YEAR OF THE ASS

Did you vote this week?

I did. Used one of those unwieldly optical scan ballots that are the size of cafeteria trays. The whole experience was very Alice-in-Wonderland for me. After connecting all of the arrows to my choices for public servant, I took the over-sized sheet to the tabulator, which operates much like a paper shredder. It sucked my ballot in and that was that. A lady with her name stickered to her blouse handed me a generic “receipt” that I suppose was to make me feel better about the process because now I had PROOF that I had voted. But all it really did was give me a meaningless piece of paper that I promptly discarded on the way out the door. More meaningful would have been an itemized receipt - like the bill they give you at a restaurant, with all my choices clearly listed so I could verify that I had voted correctly. Imagine playing Super Lotto and having them hand you a generic, "Thanks for playing!" ticket. What good is that? I want to see the numbers I picked so I know who I'm rooting for.

As I walked away from the scanner machine I pointed back at it and announced, "There's the winning ballot, right there!" Everyone looked at me like I was insane. "That's the winner, right there. I just picked all the winners. Trust me - I have a knack for these things." The registrar at the entry table wiped horseradish off her mouth with a napkin and said, "That's not how it works, sir."

"Watch the news, tonight. I bet you I win." And I walked out.

It turns out I missed two. But that's not a bad percentage. I believe this may be the first time in my life that I have ever voted and came out on the majority side of things. I voted for Dole in '96 and he was trounced by Slick Willie. I voted for Bush in 2000 and he was beat by Al Gore (although the powers that be made sure he ascended to the throne) – so I suppose that qualifies as a win. Although, considering where he’s taken our country over the last 6 years, it's hard to call that a win. Then voted for Kerry in ’04 and he was mauled by the Republican rhetoric and marketing machine. Every successful politician in this country since 1776 has been a "flip-flopper," but Kerry was officially branded one...and that made all the difference.

But this election year was different. It was good to see people are finally coming around to my way of thinking.

South Dakota rejected a law that would have banned virtually all abortions. That’s a pretty conservative state, but like I’ve been saying for years – church-going farm folk get knocked up unexpectedly, too. What people don’t want to admit in public, they will vote for in private. Or against, in this case.

Speaking of which, Arizona voted against banning gay marriage. And good for them. I’m sure the temptation was overwhelming – thousands of heterosexuals standing in those cramped poll booths with the power to legislate the boundaries of love. They easily could have been Wedding Nazis: “No love for you!” But instead they chose the enlightening path of compassion and empathy. Lots of old people out there - maybe the rest of us could learn something from them. Such as: There are all kinds of people in this world – why not love them all? The institution of marriage promotes monogamy, which is healthier for all of society. Why would we discourage ANYONE from participating in that?

And then there was the passage of the stem cell measure in Missouri – a hotly contested debate that plumbed the depths of decorum when Rush Limbaugh accused Michael J. Fox of hamming up his debilitating illness for the camera. The measure was a big win for the advancement of medical science in the Show Me state, while the incumbent Senator who publicly opposed it will soon be collecting unemployment. For your files, here’s a file photo of Rush in rehab. He’s a little thinner here because he’s battling a fierce addiction to over-the-border pain killers.

So, yeah – it was encouraging to see that the American majority, by and large, has had enough of our Administration’s blind leading the deaf leading the dumb policies. Tuesday’s sweeping Democratic victories were essentially a referendum against Lord Bush and his elite Republican cronies. The only two candidates for whom I voted NOT elected to office were the two Republican candidates I felt were better for the job. I threw them my support, but it just wasn’t enough to overcome public suspicion that the elephant in the room is actually an elephant.

Who's got a Chinese calendar handy? Is this the year of the ass or what?

CHOO CHOO!

We hosted a Halloween party last Friday night and things got a little out of hand. Pirate Brad took a ride on the Night Train, which derailed around 2:15 am.

No worries, Bradley - we've all been there!


[give yourself a courtesy flush, buddy!]

EXERCISING THE VOICE OF AMERICA

I have a voice. You have a voice. If we use them together we have a louder voice. Voices are used to communicate, to let others know how we feel and what we are thinking. Voices are important because they can be used to influence behavior and change the world. And that’s why it’s important to exercise your voice when you have something to say.

I like knowing that I a voice, even if it’s a small one. And size definitely matters. Think about all of the worthless crap Rush Limbaugh submits for public discourse on a daily basis. Why should his opinions matter any more than yours or mine? In substance, they don’t – but because he has a much bigger voice, he enjoy far more influence.

AYNtK is my voice, and I like knowing there’s a place I can exercise it with people outside of shouting distance. The Internet is a teeming hive abuzz with voices.

I derive great satisfaction using mine because it lends the illusion I have some control over what's going on out in the world, even if I know the absolute controls of law and policy are shaped more by bribes and money than bitching and moaning.

In addition to this voice, where I spread my own intoxicating brand of "common sense" propaganda (let's call it what it is), I’ve a second voice in the voting booth, and a third through participation in public opinion polls. Polls, you say? Mos def. Polls,not unlike advertising, don’t just reflect the attitudes and beliefs of society, they have the power to shape it. Polls are the pulse of a people, and a good indication of whether you’re going with the flow, or resisting. So whenever I am asked to participate in a poll, I do it without hesitation. It’s a voice.

I'm currently registered with www.pollingpoint.com, which solicits opinions from time to time on important issues, and yesterday morning I received one surely aimed at predicting the outcome of next week's mid-term elections. I eagerly dove into it, anxious to let the world know I felt it was high time we make some changes in those houses on the hill. I read the very first question to myself and knew I had to share it with you because it really got me thinking about America.

Question:

What is the Most Important Problem facing the coutnry today?

• Education

• Immigration

• Health Care and Health costs

• Energy Supply/Gas and Oil Prices

• Taxes/Deficit

• Economy and Jobs

• Abortion

• Housing

• Gay Marriage

• Terrorism

• Poverty

• Corruption in Government

• Crime

• Social Security and pensions

• War in Iraq

• Pollution and the Environment

• Drug Abuse

• Rising Prices

• Other, (please specify):

Wow! How could I choose just ONE at the expense of ignoring all of the other ones? Surely, one of these would stand out as the BIGGEST problem, right? It was difficult, but I rationalized my way through the list until I arrived at my answer. I began at the top.

Education is a major problem, but probably not our nation’s biggest. We definitely need to figure out a way to pay teachers more so we can attract a reliable supply of highly qualified public educators, level the playing field between low- and high-income communities, and improve standards and performance in public schools so parents don't feel like they have to send their kids to private schools for a quality educations. Either privatize public schools and let parents decide where to send their kids (only the strong will survive, thereby improving the quality of education via market forces), or overhaul public schools so they can compete with private schools. What’s the hold up here? Oh yeah, the billions we’re spending to secure and rebuild a country we invaded on poor intelligence.

Immigration is also problem, but how can we send back millions of illegal immigrants who are already here and peacefully contributing to GNP? Not practical or logistically feasible. Why not register them by granting temporary amnesty and enrolling them in some kind of guest worker program so we can get them on the books, thereby establishing a legal process for handling the flow of wanna-be Americanos – making English a prerequisite for citizenship in order to preserve the unity afforded by our national language, of course. I understand there’s an immediate need to secure our borders, and the great wall of America they're building down there now will be an interesting (and costly) experiment in low-tech security. I am neither for nor against it – but I do have my doubts. A massive wall couldn't keep the Mongolian horde from steamrolling into China – I sincerely doubt a razor-wire fence will prevent starving Mexicans from finding a way in. One final note: A lot of people argue that immigrants are only taking jobs that Americans don't want. But we've got a MASSIVE workforce available to perform these jobs: They're called criminals, and right now they sit behind bars bleeding our coffers dry while giving NOTHING back to society. Put those fuckers to work...and all these LOW-paying jobs we're squabbling over suddenly become NO-paying jobs. The only jobs left to fight over would be the ones that require a grasp of the English language. Illegals are coming to America to work, not because the weather is nicer. If there aren’t any jobs up here either, maybe they’ll stop making a run for the border. It’s a problem…but not our nation’s biggest.

Health Care and Health costs – This one is up there all right. Health care is currently priced out of the ballpark, and insurance companies are the primary reason. The symbiotic relationship between the two industries has resulted in an unending escalation of health care costs. I think health insurance should be treated more like car insurance...as an INSURANCE policy against accidents and whatnot, not a medical fund you pay into every month to subsidize routine visits. If my twice-daily asthma control medication, Advair, sold for $130 on the market (listed retail price), it wouldn’t survive as a product because people wouldn’t be able to afford it! But propped up by insurance company subsidies, it finds its way into millions of homes month after month. Why is an insurance company paying for my medicine? Instead of having me (and my employer) pay huge premiums to my insurance company so that my insurance company can turn around and pay off the pharmaceutical company, why not just lower the fucking price of the medicine and I’ll pay for it myself? Corporations make this econo-savvy adjustment all the time…it’s called cutting out the middle man. The bureaucracy and overhead associated with maintaining today's Health Maintenance Organizations keeps ballooning, and we keep footing the bill. It's not a healthy situation at all.

Energy Supply/Gas and Oil Prices – I'm not worried so much about the supply as I am the demand. If we reduced our energy needs, then prices would come down and this “problem” wouldn't even be on the list. But it IS on the list, primarily because the American standard of living is intimately tied to a steady flow of oil – most of which comes from the land of Jihad. Oil is the lifeblood of our economy; without oil, the American empire crumbles quickly to dust. Our enemies know this, by the way. Where do we start? Alternative forms of power exist, but big oil companies currently have the lobby to resist their development. We need major policy change here. Another very big problem, perhaps on its way to becoming our biggest...

Taxes/Deficit – Yeah, taxes are a bitch…aren’t they? But I think most reasonable people agree that they are necessary evil in today’s world. They pay for our protection and infrastructure. The problem here, in my always-humble opinion, is the cannon of indecipherable tax code even CPAs call laughable. It's far too easy to find loopholes in that mountain of legal mumbo-jumbo, and the IRS admits it can only catch a tiny fraction of the people who are knowingly breaking the law. The tax structure as it is set up doesn't work. A major overhaul is required. I say scrap the entire fucking thing and start over with something new and simple. I've heard a lot of great ideas on this, including a plan that would replace income tax with a general consumption tax – so people keep more of what they earn, and pay tax only on what they consume. It's just an idea, but a place to start. I sometimes wonder if anyone in power will ever have the balls to try something new.

Economy and Jobs – Hey...you gotta keep the people busy or they'll resort to mischief. Or starve. Fortunately, we are among the planet’s richest people. A democracy of goods has made a comfortable life more accessible to more people today than at any other time in history. But you have to be able to afford these goods to enjoy them, which means bringing home the bacon. Our problem here is that we have become a white-collar service society with too many people counting on blue collar manufacturing jobs to live the American dream. We can't compete with overseas labor, so our workforce needs to adapt to this paradigm shift or risk a future on skid row. There will almost always be some percentage of the population out of work – the challenge in keeping this figure low in any society is matching the skills of the employees with the needs of the employers. This is becoming more and more of a problem as the global economy picks up steam and we become, in essence, one world. To compete, we must adapt to America’s new economic role. Still, I don’t get the feeling this is our nation’s biggest problem right now.

Abortion – How can you possibly reconcile two viewpoints so diametrically opposed? The Supreme Court tried with its Roe v. Wade decision, establishing the concept of viability as the centerpiece of its decision to give states the right to make legal this controversial medical procedure. Viability was essentially a stab at defining when a "life" becomes a life with legal rights, and they determined that this right to "life" comes when the person-to-be can survive and develop naturally independent of the mother. According to the medical community, the viability threshold is around the end of the second trimester. For an issue so hotly debated and emotionally charged, I have to say I found the Supreme Court's wisdom remarkably rational – given, of course, the fact that this is a zero-sum issue with virtually no room for compromise. While abortion remains a hot topic, and will remain a lightning rod issue for some time, I don't personally consider it one of our nation's biggest problems.

Housing – A big part of living is having a place to live. Unfortunately, most places to live cost money – and if you don’t have enough of it, housing can become a real problem. Take a look at the people who are homeless. Many are mentally ill. They don’t know what’s best for them. They can’t hold down a job like the rest of us. They’re alcoholics or drug addicts. The bottom line is that people are typically homeless because they are either mentally sick or physically lazy, not because they can't find jobs. Separating the unwilling to work from the unable to work is the first step in tackling homelessness. And then we need a policy of some kind for sweeping the streets and getting these folks off of them. There should be a place for everyone…and the street is not one of them. This is definitely a problem, but no where near our nation’s biggest.

Gay Marriage – I can't imagine there would be a single person in America who would sincerely argue that gay marriage is the biggest problem facing our country today. I personally don't see it as a problem at all, let alone a MAJOR problem that requires an Amendment to our Constitution. But that's what separates me from President Bush. That and a 6th grade reading level. Is gay marriage a problem? Absolutely. The problem is that a significant percentage of the population can’t enter legally recognized, long-term committed relationships like the rest of us. All men are created equal, unless they happen to prefer other men.

Terrorism – Ah...the Dick Cheney special. Get them before they get us. Fight them over there instead of over here. The best defense is a good offense. ATTACK! It's true – terrorism is a real problem. It was a problem before 9/11 (see: World Trade attack numero uno, bombing of U.S. embassies, U.S.S. Cole, etc.) – and will continue to BE a problem so long as our foreign policies result in the systematic oppression of people half way around the world – particularly impoverished people who happen to be religious fanatics. It really doesn't matter how aggressively we pursue these third world henchmen, their distaste for us is cultural. Wherever our presence is regarded as an unholy occupation, terror will grow. It feels good to know we’re being proactive about the problem, but ridding the world of these zealots is complicated because our war machine is decapitating a hydra in disguise – every time we cut off its head, two more grow back. Decapitation actually creates more danger, not less. To defeat this beast, we have to take it out at the belly, where attitudes and behavior fuel action. The pull-string Bush doll likes the phrases: "Bring 'em to justice" and "Hold 'em to account." But you wouldn’t go after a bee that stung you by squeezing your fist into its beehive. That's just fucking stupid. And in this case, the beehive is a vast and venomous Middle East. It’s not like we can carpet bomb the entire desert and wipe out a billion Muslims (although I’m sure that was Rumsfeld’s Plan A). So yeah – I'd say terrorism is definitely one of our nation's biggest problems...because the people in charge of preventing it are haphazardly promoting it. How about we explore ways to foster good will in other parts of the world instead of aggressively imposing our will everywhere we go? Bush insists such a radical approach won’t work because they hate our whole way of life. But of course they do! Our way of life is what keeps them hopeless and destitute. This is a national problem not likely to go away any time soon.

Poverty - You can't have a list like this one without mentioning the poor. Poverty is a cultural institution in this country. And the people with the power to make a difference have done virtually nothing to change the prevailing mindset in poor communities that this is "as good as it gets." The result is a permanent welfare state – a population of people who for generations have been born and raised in an economically disadvantaged environment. A lower class without aspiration. We throw food stamps at them and raise the minimum wage every once in a while – token gestures that do more to keep them in poverty than help them out of it. While this is another big problem...it’s not what I would consider our greatest.

Crime – Crime is an unfortunate byproduct of some of the other problems on this list, such as poverty, drug abuse, and rising prices. As a result, it improves as the other problems improve, so it doesn’t make my list of top national concerns. One thing I will note is that I think we’re too quick as a society to lock up non-violent criminals, when they could be far more valuable to us all serving time on the outside. If we were to weed out the non-violent criminals from the violent ones, we’d discover that our nation's crime rate is actually a lot lower than the fear-inspiring media would have it seem. I’m not saying crime isn’t a problem – but how we deal with it may be more of one.

Social Security and pensions – Another doozy right here. We've been hearing for YEARS that our nation's security net is an insolvent mess. It's a hot topic every election year, and then it somehow drops completely off the radar. To address the issue, some have suggested we let people invest a portion of their social security in private accounts. Others call this gambling. The way I understand it, Social Security was created to protect people from themselves. The government recognized that, as Americans started living longer lives, they couldn't all be trusted to save up enough money to support themselves post-retirement. As a result, the social security net was established to help protect our "tribe elders." Privatizing a portion of that money is just another misguided, token gesture designed to preoccupy us with the illusion of control, when the overarching problem is that our government is spending our social security money on other things! This is definitely a major problem – and it may soon become our biggest if it continues to go unaddressed.

War in Iraq – I'm guessing this option will likely garner the poll’s highest percentage of responses. And I can understand the sentiment...war is among the costliest of national endeavors – in more ways than one. At least when we went to Afghanistan it was to chase down known terrorists and deliver payback, Tony Montana style. Rock and roll, Rummy. Go do that thing you do. Our invasion of Iraq, however, proved a horrible miscalculation based on erroneous information that has since served to create more terroristas (would you like whipped cream on your Skim Latte Jihad?) than it has disrupted. We can’t get any support from the rest of the world on this, but if we bailed, the U.N. would be forced to come in and mitigate the ensuing chaos. Hey, the rest of the world hates us anyhow, right? Major problem, for certain.

Pollution and the Environment – Al Gore had me on the rampage after his "Inconvenient Truth" flick, which I found both fascinating and inspiring. I then read the book 'State of Fear' by Michael Crichton on the advice of a good friend. I’ve never been much a fan of fiction, but properly annotated, a good novel can be every bit as informational as – and often more compelling than – a purported “truth,” inconvenient or otherwise. Assimilating knowledge from both sources, and consulting available arguments in support of both positions, I must say that I no longer share in the panic of hard-core environmentalists. Instead, I have cultivated a frightening appreciation for how our national political-legal-media machine works. Everyone has a motive…even the well-intended folks who cry “warming!” But as Crichton delicately illustrated (in a book I recommend every American reads), good intentions coupled with bad information is a recipe for disaster. Bottom line: in systems as chaotic and complex as our global environment, it is virtually impossible to detect reliable cause-effect relationships. So while I believe that pollution is a problem and that it would be nice to clean up the environment, I no longer think of global warming as a catastrophe in the wings.

Drug Abuse – A problem, yes. But our nation’s biggest problem? Clearly not. Drugs are cool. That was a joke. What concerns me more than the incidence of illicit, illegal drug abuse is the proliferation of FDA-approved crap foisted upon the masses by massive pharmaceutical companies. Somehow marijuana is bad, but Paxil is good. I have had them both, and can testify that marijuana is much healthier for the mind than Paxil. Without question. But slick marketing would have us believe otherwise. Apparently, we’re a nation of clinically depressed, sexually dysfunctional insomniacs with bad heartburn, high cholesterol, crippling arthritis, and a scorching case of herpes. But we can live the good life through good pharmacy. It doesn’t happen often, but I side with Tom Cruise on this one. Just say no to designer drugs.

Rising Prices – Inflation happens. But more unsettling to me is the financial industry’s vast takeover of American real estate. Think about this. It’s called “owning” your own house if you pay a mortgage, but you don’t really own your house – the bank does. Homeowners are still renters – we just write our checks out to the bank every month instead of the landlord. Worse, if something goes wrong at your hizzouse, there’s no super to call. You gotta fix that shit yourself. Yeah…there are benefits to owning your own home – benefits routinely summed up with grown-up words like equity and appreciation – if you’re lucky. And if you happen to live in the same house 30 years after you buy it, you just may end up owning it outright. The rest of us are just paying rent with interest, hoping the housing market happens to be hot when it comes time to move. Further, there was a time when the nuclear family was supported by a single breadwinner. Not anymore. No one understands the two-income household cultural revolution better than the actuaries in the mortgage industry. Today it takes two incomes to afford the same houses families used to be able to afford on one. It’s no wonder there’s a brand spanking new bank on nearly every city corner of the city. They’re flush, baby! It’s not exactly ironic, I suppose, that the banks have all of the money…or is it? We are but serfs, working in the fields of the financial industry, paying our wages right back to the landowners and investment lords of the manor. The rest goes to Best Buy and Verizon because flashy toys keep us preoccupied. I see rising real estate prices as a huge national problem, but not the very worst.

Corruption in Government – At first I skimmed over this option because, well, everyone just assumes there’s corruption in government. But then I thought about it. Why does everyone just assume there’s corruption in government? Is it true that absolute power corrupts?

Our nation’s Fathers fashioned a rather intricate system of government that has served us well for 2 and a quarter centuries. I suppose it’s hard to complain about corruption in government when you’re the world’s lone superpower. But that’s all we are anymore – a power. A military machine. We’re no longer admired or respected overseas for our values, ideas, and charity. Our values are mocked. Our ideas are questioned. Our good will is more often mistaken for subornment. Why is that? And that’s only the beginning.

The economies of backwards countries are being turned around while ours flirts with stagflation. Obesity is epidemic. Our children are not realizing their potential (U.S. ranks 55th in literacy). Third world countries are going completely wireless, while we remain chained to our copper, cabled infrastructure. China has stricter emissions regulations on its cars. CHINA! The legal system takes forever and costs a fortune to go through – so justice belongs to the wealthy. The tax codes are a nightmare. We are still a great country in many, many ways – full of great people (like me) – but our claim to “greatest nation on earth” is certainly in question.

It’s sewn into our cultural fabric somewhere that America is the greatest nation on the planet. We grow up recursively hearing it, and can’t help believing it. But statistics bear out that we are not the great world leader we tell ourselves we are when we are drunk. And for this, I believe, we have our leaders to blame.

They squabble over stupid shit, distorting the voting records and public statements of their rivals for political gain. There’s pork in every bill that gets passed around. Many of them have been proven liars and hypocrites. And it seems even the most well-intended of public servants ultimately succumb to the (two-party) system that prevents us from progressing like so many other less encumbered nations around the world.

So that was my choice. Government Corruption. Biggest problem in my America. I believe it is responsible for our failure to address so many of the other problems on this list. Now…chances are good it wouldn’t be your choice, and I’d wager it doesn’t even come in the top 10 when all the other votes are added up. But I wanted my voice to be heard, so that’s how I voted.

And on this note, I wish you a fantastic weekend out in the world. Think about voting next Tuesday and what it means. Exercise your voice. Be the change you want to see in the world.

Peace out.

UNBEARABLE!

It was one of the most egregious violations of human rights ever reported - and the whole thing was captured on tape. Just this past weekend, at least 40 Americans were forced to endure hours of degrading, humiliating, and painful treatment at the hands of fellow American citizens in an episode that many international watch groups are calling a senseless tragedy. Perhaps you saw the footage on the Sunday evening news, or heard it discussed around the water cooler on Monday morning. Yes, I am talking about the Chicago Bears publicly flogging the San Francisco 49ers in front of a nationally televised crowd.

I am almost ashamed to admit that I was on hand to witness the event in person - and did nothing to prevent it. Nor did the other 60,000+ screaming fans who encouraged the Bears to pour on the punishment play after play after play. In case you do not follow football, the Bears scored early and often against the hapless Niners...mounting an almost unfathomable 41-0 FIRST HALF lead. If you left your seat for any reason at any point during the first half, you missed a Bears score. It was a remarkably dominating performance that saw the Bears covering a 16.5 point spread in the first 8 minutes of play.

The highlight for me was the singing. The folks at Soldier Field cue up the Chicago Bears fight song every time they put points on the board. So after every field goal and following every extra point, the loudspeakers start crackling and buzzing and 60,000 drunk people start singing, "Bear Down...Chicago Bears...put up a fight with a might so fearlessly...Bear Down..." It's enough to produce chills, even if your officially-licensed down jacket is doing its job. We sang that damn song 7 times in the first half, roughly every 11 minutes. I am certain the Niners had it stuck in their heads the whole flight back to San Francisco. I honestly started feeling bad for them and wondered why football doesn't have a slaughter rule.

Fortunately, the Bears took pity on their prey - letting them fly back with a small bit of esteem: The Niners salvaged the second half of the game, winning 10-0 and preventing the Bears from completely trouncing them into oblivion. Next victim: the Miami Dolphins.

Growl.

COUGH! COUGH ! COUGH!

Do you know why people get sick this time of year? It's not because of the cold, damp weather. It's because we share a lot of nasty germs - and one of our favorite ways to share these germs is by covering our mouths when we cough. Yes, it's considered polite to cover your mouth when you cough. But did you know there's a right and a wrong way to do it?

I dare say MOST people do it the wrong way.

This video was developed to demonstrate the difference, and to promote a healthier world through proper cough-covering technique.

BUSH MUST BE LOOKING FOR A JOB

I found his resume on Craig's list.

BOOK WORMS OF THE WORLD UNITE

Looking for a book to read this winter? Someone has compiled a list of 1001 books you should read before you die. That's a lot of page-turning. I was surprised to find I've actually read a few of them. Or, at least I was SUPPOSED to have read them back in college. Cliffs Notes count, right? Drat.

It's broken up by eras so you can get a variety by time period. Check it out here!

THE MIRACLE OF THE MIND

This is friggin' amazing. Here's a movie about a guy who sees numbers everywhere. Part of the movie shows his trip to America to meet the real Rain Man, the autistic savant about whom the movie of the same name was based. Apparently, the real Rain Man can read a whole page of any book in about 8-10 seconds and has a completely photographic memory. He remembers everything he has ever read in his entire life...right down to the last letter or number. It's simply unfathomable what this man's brain can do - a man who was diagnosed as retarded at 12 months.

Anyhow, if you've got 10 minutes to be amazed, watch this short documentary. I found it quite astonishing. I've queued up part 2 for you so you can get to the good stuff. Science is wild...but even more so when it involves mysteries about ourselves.

And when you're done with that one, check out this savant. He didn't speak his first words until he was 5, but he is amazing beyond explanation. He takes a 45 minute helicopter ride over Rome and then is able to draw an accurate aerial view of the entire city. It almost doesn't seem possible.

ACTION!

Everyone who looks at Chicago's Marina Towers for the first time wonders the same thing: How do they get those cars so close to the edge? The tall, round apartment buildings in the heart of River North are actually an open-air parking garage for a third of the way up, and the parking spots go all the way to the edge.

If you've ever wondered what would happen if someone decided to gun it and fly out into the Chicago river from 18 stories up, check this out.

LONG WAY DOWN

Check this shit out. Some ambitious folks are hoping to build the highest man-made structure on earth. Guess where? A glass bridge that spans the Grand Csnyon.

Not for those with a fear of heights.

THE NERVE OF THOSE NIGERIAN SCAM ARTISTS!

I love corresponding with Nigerian Scam Artists. I actually had one turn me down this week, which was a first. Most people delte them, but I LOVE reading those long, drawn-out stories about how they identified ME somehow as the next of kin to some wealthy businessman who was killed in an overseas accident. And how they want to liquidate their estate but have run into some legal problems and need me to claim the money so that we can split my "relative's" millions. I usually respond by describing how excited I am to have received the e-mail and start detailing how I plan to use the money once we have gone through with the transaction. Then I like to start a dialogue and go back and forth for a while until the scammer starts getting frustrated with me, at which point I reveal that I am not who I claimed to be, but instead an undercover agent working with the United Nations task force on internet fraud called Cyberstrike. They never seem to reply to that one!

Anyhow, this week I decided to try a new tactic. When the scammer ran through all of the details and offered me the standard 60/40 split - 60% for him and 40% for me - I decided to counter. I demanded 70% of the estate for helping him out, and then concluded with, 'So - deal or no deal?"

The guy writes back:

"Dear Mr. Fujita - no deal."

Can you believe the nerve of that third world criminal? He's got no room to bargain with me. I'm calling the shots, I told him. After all, I was NEXT OF KIN. He needed me. I was his ticket to fortune. But it was going to cost him.

No deal.

These scam artists are starting to get a little full of themselves, don't you think?

I don't like being told no, so I'm actually thinking about coming down. I'll let you know how it goes.

AGAINST THE LAW SCHOOL

You are not going to believe this shit. The game of Tag has been banned from recess at Willett Elementary School in Attleboro, Massachusetts. Sorry kids...no more, "Tag - you're it!" Someone might get hurt!

But wait, there's more. Also banned is the popular schoolyard pastime of touch football, as well as any other unsupervised games where kids chasing one another may get injured and pose a liability risk to the school. Our nation of laws is beginning to implode as fear of costly litigation squeezes freedom from us one harmless activity after the next.

I don't know about you, but this trend toward sterilizing our kids' physical activities is a little disturbing. We've already got an obesity pandemic in this country - our kids need to be chasing each other MORE, not less. Why would anyone in their right mind think this is a good idea?

"It's a time when accidents can happen," said Willet School Principal Gaylene Heppe. Her new rule is part of a standardized set of playground rules developed to keep kids out of the nurse's office, and the school out of court. Hey Gaylene - you said it, darlin'. ACCIDENTS can happen.

Sadly, this isn't an isolated act. There's apparently a growing movement against the simple schoolyard games you and I played growing up. School administrators around the country started by banning dodgeball, calling it an exclusionary, dangerous game. But kids were not discouraged, and they quickly found other ways to have fun. But this only frustrated those hoping to crush fun in all of its forms, and led to a new round of regulation overkill. Clearly, kids shouldn't be having fun because, as everyone knows, anything that gives you pleasure is bad for you.

This isn't a regional thing, either. In addition to Massachusetts, schools in Cheyenne and Spokane also banned tag at recess this year. It's out of fucking control. One of the primary reasons cited for buckling down on these activities was the avoidance of litigation. School administrators aren't the ones to blame here. They're merely adapting to a dog-sue-dog climate in which everyone's looking for a slice of free pie. Why is it that our reflex as a nation is to sue the moment something happens to us? Do we not understand what it means to forgive? To accept responsibility for our own actions? to understand that the world is a dangerous place and that accidents happen? People get hurt - and it's not always possible to point the finger and say, "YOU...YOU were to blame for this." And how have we decided as a nation that the best way to say "I'm sorry" to someone is with a checkbook?

If kids are chasing one another on the playground, and one of them should fall and scrape a knee, why would any parent reflexively think to sue the the school where the accident occurred? And how are so many administrators learning to fear a generation of such parents? Better safe than sorry, I guess.

The way I see it, these schools, for how ridiculous some of their bullshit schoolyard rules may seem, are only protecting themselves from the growing monster that is unchecked law. Most people have choices, remember. So if parents don't like these pussy-building playground policies, they can try placing their kids in other schools where physical social interaction is encouraged. If every parent did that, these rules would go away. Unfortunately, there are people who will send their kids to these schools BECAUSE they don't let kids play Tag.

[Dr. Rumsfeld asks: How are we going to power our mighty hegemonic war machine in the future if we're raising a nation full of pansies?]

Scary to think how, when I was a kid, I didn't wear a bicycle helmet. I played tackle football in the snowy schoolyard. I didn't even wear a seat belt in the car. There was a different socio-legal climate back then. We didn't feel the need to legislate every aspect of everyday life. People did what they did and lived their lives and every once in a while someone would get hurt, and we'd learn from that - or we wouldn't. And life would go on. Then the media started getting a hold of us - filling us with fear and stuffing numbers down our throats: all reasons to worry. Today there are laws, and rules, and regulations, and guidelines, and codes, and restrictions, and bans on everything. Practically everything you do is legislated in some way - all in the name of protecting us from, ahem, ourselves.

I don't know about you, but I liked things better the way they were. Men were men and so were boys.



Tag.





You're it!

TONGUE TWISTED

DAMN this coffee is strong. I don't understand why. I made it the same way I make it every morning. 10 cups of water in the Krups. One cup of blended kona. I just don't get it.

Unless.

UNLESS.

What if it's not the coffee that's different? What if it's ME? What if my taste buds are suddenly hyper-sensitive? What if I have a superpower I never knew I had? Extreme taste! Yes! And maybe I can use it for good, fighting crime with my extraordinary sense of taste. Folks can call me Flayva Man!

This is gold.

"We've got no leads, detective."

"Bring in that guy. What's his name. Guy with the tongue."

"Flayva Man?"

"Yeah - him. Have him lick this entire room for evidence and let me know what he tastes."

"You got it, detective. Hey Johnson! Get a holda Flayva. No visible clues yet, but I'm betting this place isn't as tasteless as it looks."

LUH-WHO-ZUH-HER

Last week I provided a photo recap of the Bears-Bills game. This week's Bears recap is provided in the form of a link to a clip that is now posted on Wikipedia under references for Arizona Cardinals Head Coach Denny Green. I'm not kidding - history sure gets updated quick these days!

In case you missed his succinct summary of the Monday Night collapse, here it is in a nutshell.

THROWING THE BOMB

Here's some exciting news from the land of terror. A website is claiming that 7 NFL football stadiums will be targeted with radiological dirty bombs this weekend, but don't worry - the government has expressed doubts about the threat.

The warning was posted last week as part of an ongoing Internet conversation creatively titled "New Attack on America Be Afraid." It specifically mentioned NFL stadiums in New York, Miami, Atlanta, Seattle, Houston, Oakland and Cleveland. My first thought was, "Good thing the Bears have a bye this week." (I've actually got tickets to the game the week after next)

The Homeland Security Department has since alerted authorities and stadium owners in those cities, as well as the NFL, of the potential threat, but said that it was being viewed "with strong skepticism." After all, why would terrorists go after teams with a combined record of 13-24? Miami? Cleveland? Houston? Those sporting environments are already polluted enough with poor play - I mean, chances are a dirty bomb wouldn't even be noticed in Oakland.

I personally think there should be a man-law against conducting terrorist activities during NFL operating hours. What do we think - man-law? Launching attacks during NFL games will henceforth be considered a neutral-zone infraction and punishable by 15 yards and a loss of Jihad.

RESTORING CHAOS ONE DAY AT A TIME

JB thinks YouTube was worth every penny Google paid for it, and I'm beginning to see why!

Here's a greatest hits reel Americans can be proud of...

HAIR MANAGEMENT 101

This here's a jam for all the fellas,
Try to do what those ladies tell us...

Yeah, I'm talking about the lesser-known faux-hygienic art of "manscaping." Many of you are not strangers the routine of trimming upper body fur, cutting back the creep of chest hair that pushes like ivy from below your collar line. Some of you may even go so far as to use a straight razor in pulling the hair border back behind your buttons. While these manscaping exercises can make a real aesthetic difference, the girls tell me there are other places we should be directing that blade.

Encroaching back hair, for example, while unavoidable, is entirely manageable. It usually starts as a few stray hairs here and there, which eventually blossom into hair patches over time. For some, these hair patches spread like wildfire until there is complete coverage. And there's nothing you can do about that - it's genetic. But you CAN do something about it once it's there. I find if I do the proper stretching exercises beforehand, I can actually reach most of mine with a disposable razor. Yes, really. Excessive hair on the upper arms and shoulders should also be given your attention if you plan on being outdoors without a shirt - or intimate with someone who might appreciate the added attention to detail. If you can't reach these areas, a little wax treatment can go a long way toward improving your desirability.

Finally, and most importantly, men must become comfortable with the idea of trimming our nether-hedges. It's only fair. If women are expected to keep a tidy hairline down there, we should afford them the same courtesy. It's really not that difficult to do - and the result, I don't mind sharing, is a decidedly more robust-looking package, making the activity a win-win proposition. Here's what you do:

Just grab a fistful of the curly stuff and pull it away from your body. Then run some scissors in the space between and clip. I recommend performing this over a garbage can...and sober. Go ahead and clip it down nice and short. Don't worry - your nuts won't freeze off. Once the excess brush is taken care of, use a straight razor where it makes sense to shape the borders. You could shave the whole thing away if you choose - but that brand of barren manscape is typically reserved for the porno male. I do not recommend the Mr. Clean Machine. But definitely give the rest of that area a good buzz every few weeks - it's easy and relatively safe. I've been doing it for years and have been accident free for most of them.

One final note: Do not ask a barber to trim that up for you.

So there you have it...hair management 101. Your lady will love the new you - you're welcome!

BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Here's an interesting clip. It's a real life Battle of the Album Covers. Thanks to Marky Mark for sharing - who submits that we should not forget to thank drugs for enabling video art of this nature. It's quite creative!

END GAME ON!

North Korea is hosting a nuclear festival and we're all invited! Do you know what you'll be wearing for the big event?

As I'm sure you've been ignoring for the past couple weeks, there's been a nuclear crisis brewing on the Korean peninsula. Hard to get excited about something going on half a world away - but let me tell you, this has the potential to affect everyone.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il has been insane much of his life - and that insanity is peaking at a dangerous time. His country, as you may or may not know, has been insolvent economically since the word "insolvent" was made popular by Social Security and Health Care watchdogs years ago. The country's chief exports are counterfeit cash and military technology. They basically make and sell weapons and cash to whoever will pay for them. And their favorite place to sell is a shady little market on Black Street. Given their penchant for shifty, underworld dealings and a leader known for making mischief, recent reports that they successfully tested a nuclear bomb underground are troubling to say the least - for a multitude of reasons:

1.) First, let's consider the source of this knowledge. The media have proven susceptible time and again to erroneous, fictional reports (reference: Iraq) - so it's important we consider the possibility that these nuclear reports have been fabricated by the CIA, eager to keep hawkish Republican stalwarts in power - remember: the U.S. war machine is in the business of staying in business and is skilled at exploiting mass media for subversive political gain. The more you and I fear the perverse, powerless dictators of corrupt, third world nations, the more power we will turn over to those already in power here. Exhibit A: the erosion of your individual rights...a program brought to you by the Bush Administration, already in progress. I would submit to you that all we have to fear is fear itself - but that's already a matter of public record.

2.) North Korea has stated that sanctions against the rogue nation for nuclear testing are tantamount to a declaration of war. Well, it doesn't take a tenured logician to tell you that the unanimously passed U.N. Security Council resolution imposing sanctions on North Korea is essentially the equivalent of the whole world declaring war on Kim Jong-Il's military cabaret show (love those media-file clips of marching North Korean soliders on the evening news!). If we choose to buy into the North Korean rhetoric, we must acknowledge that we have, as a planet, declared war on that starving nation. So have we or haven't we? They say we have - but most of us missed the memo.

3.) If Illy Jonka DOES have the bomb, what do you suppose he will do with it? Bring it to class for show and tell? Ever since President Bush's private remarks about the 5'3" North Korean leader were made public in Newsweek a few years ago (unflattering, and un-presidentlike to say the least - go look it up!), we've been at the top of their payback (s)hit list. But, North Korea knows it doesn't have to launch a missile toward Hollywood to draw us into a costly conflict overseas. They need only lob a few nukes across the border into South Korea, or in the general direction of the Japanese. The U.S. has stated such an attack would be the equivalent of declaring war against us. So there you have it - everything Kim Jong-Il ever wanted is just a red button away.

4.) Or perhaps a few nuclear suitcases might somehow find their way into the hands of a terrorist. This, of course, is Donald Rumsfeld's "wet dream" scenario - or at least that's the way it appears when he, or Dick Cheney, talks excitedly about it with Tim Russert. Those hard-line war-machine chauffers LOVE the prospect of a nuclear North Korea because it gives the American people someone real to fear. Just as they made us fear Saddam Hussein, who had - count 'em - ZERO weapons of mass destruction, they will make us fear Kim Jong-Il. They are already pushing their talking points on top Republicans, so you can expect a steady stream of fear propaganda in the weeks leading up to the mid-term elections.

5.) Finally, reports of a nuclear bomb detonation by the North Koreans are troubling because that's all they have. That is, presuming they actually have it. (See item #1) There's nothing IN North Korea save cold, barren mountains and millions of starving people suviving on aid shipments. The only two things the government supports over there are the country's robust military and the leader's appetite for the good life. What do you suppose would happen if you raise a dog to fight its entire life by starving it, beating it, and locking it up in a cold, damp basement...and then decide to let it loose in the neighborhood?

It's not all doom and gloom, mind you. There IS a solution to this problem. Are you ready? Kim Jong-Il has a documented fascination with Hollywood. The guy just loves celebrity and the chic V.I.P lifestyle. If we could line up a date with Angelina Jolie (or perhaps he would prefer Ryan Seacrest?), he would abandon his nuclear ambitions in a heartbeat.

But then we'd have to go back to fearing terrorists - and poll numbers reveal that's getting a little stale. Count on the Pentagon and the powers-behind-the-powers that be to stoke the flames of discord in the Far East.

That's what they do best...

BEAR DOWN!

ROOOOAAARRR!

It sure is a great time to be a Chicago Bears fan. I actually tailgated before the game last Sunday and it was WILD. I'd never seen so many motor vehicles and drunk people gathered together in one spot before. There were even girls pushing a shopping cart full of Jell-O shots up and down the rows of parked cars, handing them out to complete strangers. I was told, "They do that every game." I'd been to Bears games before, but had never witnessed firsthand the pre-game debauchery that takes place in the parking lot. I now understand how it is possible that grown men will expose their bare chests in sub-zero weather.



Anyhow - I'm not sure if you caught the Chicago Bears vs. Buffalo Bills game last week, but here's a recap:

DO NOT PASS GO!

The Monopoly Game is back at McDonalds. I know...I don't care either. But it must boost sales because it seems like forever that they've been running the same damn promotion. I remember when I was a kid I used to run across Western Avenue to the McDonalds across the street from my house and dig around in the hedges that separated the drive-thru from the parking lot. I'd find all kinds of those little game pieces in there - many of them unopened. By the end of summer, I'd have almost an entire board built, minus the winning pieces, of course. And that was always the hardest part - collecting enough pieces to know which ones were common and which ones were potential prize-winners.

Fortunately, someone else has done that legwork for me this year. Below is a list of the "money" property game pieces for this year's Monopoly game at McDonalds. Next time you peel a chip off your extra super large beverage, check it against the list below. If it's the "money' piece, hang onto that bad boy until you collect the other two common pieces to win the prize!

Mediterranean
Vermont
Virigina
Tennessee
Kentucky
Ventnor
Pennsylvania
Boardwalk
Short Line

The prizes get progressively more valuable as you work your way down the list, and the keystone pieces more difficult to find. If you do score any of these unlikely gems in your travels, head over to eBay and order up the other pieces in the set and claim your prize. Just don't forget to grease my palm for making your life a little easier. You know - a little something for the effort.

SUCCESSORIZING

Here are a couple of posters I made using the online Successories generator. I would share the link with you, but then you'd be as cool as I am...and I must guard against that.

EVEN FLOW

I just found out that "Pearl Jam" is a term used to describe a substance that is more commonly referred to as jizz.

Who knew? And I own several Pearl Jam albums!



I get the unsettling feeling my world will never be the same again.

BEHIND THE HORN

I will honk at you.

Yes, I'm that guy. The honker.

Drive like an ass and I'll let you know you're driving like an ass. Endanger my life and the lives of others, I'll lay on my wheel hard. Block traffic and I'll give you a blaring earful. Why? Because cops can't sit at every intersection to enforce every breach of basic traffic law. We need to police ourselves sometimes, and by laying on the horn I'm letting your dumb ass know I didn't appreciate your jerk move. What move? You know the move.

How about the one where the light turns red, but you figure you can chase the car in front of you into the intersection anyhow and it'll be okay. It's not okay. Red means stop. Doesn't matter if the car in front of you is moving or not. If the light is red, you stop. You don't roll out into the intersection. The reason is simple - because there's not always room on the other side and you end up blocking the whole fucking intersection! That's why. Have some common fucking sense already.

So, yes. I WILL honk at you. I will pull the front of my car right up to your driver side door in the middle of intersection you are blocking and I will honk my horn. Long and hard. You will shrug your shoulders and make words at me: "Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do?"

I'll tell you what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to drive with your fucking eyes open and realize that if you can't make it all the way through the intersection, you shouldn't enter it to begin with, dumbfuck.

So eat my horn, beotch, and bask in shame. All it takes is one over-eager moron to back-up rush hour traffic for a half mile with this move. Pay afuckingttention!

SAY WHAT?

Almost as dangerous is the man who doesn't know what he doesn't know as the man who knows what he knows.

TOTAL(ITARIAN) BULLSHIT

Written by Garrison Keillor, sent by JB, and posted without permission here because I think it is important that we keep track of the people responsible for destroying our democracy one broad stroke at a time. I pray the masses hold these idiots accountable when they ask us for our vote.

********

A SHAMEFUL RETREAT FROM AMERICAN VALUES

By Garrison Keillor

Tribune Media Services

I would not send my college kid off for a semester abroad if I were you. This week, we have suspended human rights in America, and what goes around comes around. Ixnay habeas corpus.

The U.S. Senate, in all its splendor and majesty, has decided that an "enemy combatant" is any non-citizen whom the president says is an enemy combatant, including your Korean greengrocer or your Swedish grandmother or your Czech au pair, and can be arrested and held for as long as authorities wish without any right of appeal to a court of law to examine the matter. If your college kid were to be arrested in Bangkok or Cairo, suspected of "crimes against the state," and held in prison, you'd assume that an American foreign service officer would be able to speak to your kid and arrange for a lawyer, but this may not be true anymore. Be forewarned.

The Senate also decided it's up to the president to decide whether it's OK to make these enemies stand naked in cold rooms for a couple days in blinding light and be beaten by interrogators. This is now purely a bureaucratic matter: The plenipotentiary stamps the file "enemy combatants" and throws the poor schnooks into prison and at his leisure he tries them by any sort of kangaroo court he wishes to assemble and they have no right to see the evidence against them, and there is no appeal. This was passed by 65 senators and will now be signed by Mr. Bush, put into effect, and in due course be thrown out by the courts.

It's good that Barry Goldwater is dead because this would have killed him. Go back to the Senate of 1964 -- Goldwater, Dirksen, Russell, McCarthy, Javits, Morse, Fulbright -- and you won't find more than 10 votes for it.

None of the men and women who voted for this bill has any right to speak in public about the rule of law anymore, or to take a high moral view of the Third Reich, or to wax poetic about the American Idea. Mark their names. Any institution of higher learning that grants honorary degrees to these people forfeits its honor. Alexander, Allard, Allen, Bennett, Bond, Brownback, Bunning, Burns, Burr, Carper, Chambliss, Coburn, Cochran, Coleman, Collins, Cornyn, Craig, Crapo, DeMint, DeWine, Dole, Domenici, Ensign, Enzi, Frist, Graham, Grassley, Gregg, Hagel, Hatch, Hutchison, Inhofe, Isakson, Johnson, Kyl, Landrieu, Lautenberg, Lieberman, Lott, Lugar, Martinez, McCain, McConnell, Menendez, Murkowski, Nelson of Florida, Nelson of Nebraska, Pryor, Roberts, Rockefeller, Salazar, Santorum, Sessions, Shelby, Smith, Specter, Stabenow, Stevens, Sununu, Talent, Thomas, Thune, Vitter, Voinovich, Warner.

To paraphrase Sir Walter Scott: Mark their names and mark them well. For them, no minstrel raptures swell. High though their titles, proud their name, boundless their wealth as wish can claim, these wretched figures shall go down to the vile dust from whence they sprung, unwept, unhonored and unsung.

Three Republican senators made a show of opposing the bill and after they'd collected all the praise they could get, they quickly folded. Why be a hero when you can be fairly sure that the Court will dispose of this piece of garbage.

If, however, the Court does not, then our country has taken a step toward totalitarianism. If the government can round up someone and never be required to explain why, then it's no longer the United States of America as you and I always understood it. Our enemies have succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. They have made us become like them.

I got some insight last week into who supports torture when I went down to Dallas to speak at Highland Park Methodist Church. It was spooky. I walked in, was met by two burly security men with walkie-talkies, and within 10 minutes was told by three people that this was the Bushes' church and that it would be better if I didn't talk about politics. I was there on a book tour for "Homegrown Democrat," but they thought it better if I didn't mention it. So I tried to make light of it: I told the audience, "I don't need to talk politics. I have no need even to be interested in politics -- I'm a citizen, I have plenty of money and my grandsons are at least 12 years away from being eligible for military service." And the audience applauded! Those were their sentiments exactly. We've got ours, and who cares?

The Methodists of Dallas can be fairly sure that none of them will be snatched off the streets, flown to Guantanamo, stripped naked, forced to stand for 48 hours in a freezing room with deafening noise, so why should they worry? It's only the Jews who are in danger, and the homosexuals and gypsies. The Christians are doing just fine. If you can't trust a Methodist with absolute power to arrest people and not have to say why, then whom can you trust?

(c) 2006 by Garrison Keillor. All rights reserved.

Distributed by Tribune Media Services, INC.

***************

RIDE 'EM AND WEEP

Here's an online quiz for which I was woefully underprepared. If there's one thing in this world I know nothing about, it's cars. Actually, if there's one thing I know NOTHING about, it's hot man love. But if there are TWO things I know nothing about, it would be hot man love and cars.

Markie T sent me this picture quiz featuring close-up shots of classic cars and the goal is to identify as many of them as you can. I am almost embarrassed to say I got zero. None. But then, another part of me is glad to have saved that part of my brain for other things, like Bingo. What do you mean it's impossible to be good at Bingo? I studied Bingo strategy for years in Tibet. I kick ASS at Bingo.

Anyhow, if you'd like to test your knowledge of classic cars, hop on in.

BEER ME, BABY, ONE MORE TIME

A friend of mine recently asked me, "Why do we drink so much?"

I thought this question deserved serious consideration, so I resolved to formulate a long response for him and post it here. There are, after all, MANY reasons we drink. But since I haven't had a lot of time to write this week, I will share with him this short answer instead:

Beer has magical properties.

LEAVING A MESSAGE

Here's something that fucking steams me.

I'm a writer by trade, so I can be hypercritical at times when reviewing the work of other professional writers, just as fellow writers likely cringe at the imperfections scattered about my meandering prose (intentionally, of course).

But one error I can forgive no longer is a faux pas in basic storytelling so prevalent it shakes me to reason's core. I'm talking about the omission of a technology that has so permanently penetrated our lives it simply cannot be ignored - and yet it IS ignored...over and over and over again.

I am talking about Caller ID.

When was the last time you actually took a call without knowing exactly who was calling? It's virtually impossible to purchase a telephone these days that doesn't come equipped with Caller ID. Business lines have them. Cell phones have them. Cordless phones have them. Most calling plans include them. Only the oldest of old people refuse to pay $3.95 for the monthly service. Caller ID has saturated the telephone service market.

So why the fuck do people on television and in movies answer the phone like they have no idea who is calling? This has always been a pet peeve of mine - a recurring oversight I figured would correct itself over time. But it hasn't. Watch television tonight and you'll know what I'm talking about. 90% of the time, when the phone rings, the caller remains unidentified until the receiver picks up. I have identified two possible reasons for this:

1.) The writer is presuming that such a level of detail is unnecessary in telling the story and leaves it out
2.) It is necessary for the story's sake that the caller remain anonymous because if the receiver knew who it was beforehand, they wouldn't pick up the phone!

To ignore the existence of Caller ID is to deny that it has changed the way people communicate in the 21st century. And it HAS changed how we communicate. We no longer blindly answer the phone with that curious up-ending "hell-O??" These days we know who it is before we say hello, and often acknowledge the caller in answering: "What's up, dickhead?" or "Did you call to apologize? Well, forget it!"

Watch how the characters in movies do it, though. The phone rings and they all look at each other as if to silently say: "Who could THAT be?" Look at the damn caller ID, moron! But either they A.) don't use their caller ID, or B.) don't have it - both of which are completely unreasonable assumptions in this day and age. Writers need to start writing caller ID into their storylines instead of pretending we're still living in the 80's - an illusion now bolstered by the ridiculous return of skinny black pants and clogs.

Further, while I'm bitching about oversights, why don't people have answering machines in the movies? Half the time the phone keeps on ringing and ringing and ringing. This is supposed to provide a bit of drama, I suppose - but in real life, good luck making it past 4 rings without an automated message intercepting your call and prompting you to leave a message. All I want is a little realism in my entertainment.

I'm onto you, Hollywood. You'd better quit being so sloppy. I hereby demand better quality!

CHEER UP!

Things could always be worse...

GET YOUR SWERVE ON

Last year, the City of Chicago banned the use of hand-held cellular telephones, but I don't get the feeling the law has been very effective. People continue to dial and drive on a daily basis pretty much everywhere I go. I must admit, I'm guilty of it myself - although I prefer to use the handy speakerphone feature on my Q so that my hands are free to do other things. I won't appall you with the gripping details.

I do have to say, while their intentions were good, drafting and passing a law they hadn't the means to enforce was a waste of time and taxpayer money. And in my less-than-humble opinion, they failed to address the REAL problem, which was not the phone, but rather the distracted driver.

For example, on my way in to the office this morning I observed a danger far greater than the cellphone gabber: the mobile make-up studio. In my short 12-minute commute down LaSalle Street, I saw no fewer than a dozen women in their cars applying cosmetic products of some kind WHILE DRIVING - a practice that not only requires at least one hand off the wheel, but also both eyes off the road. How is chatting on the phone any more dangerous than applying mascara and lip-liner while listening to Eric & Kathy on the Mix? I'm not saying we need to ban cosmetic commuting, or that talking on a cell phone while driving isn't a big deal - I would just like to see a little more thought and consistency from the folks making the rules instead of cherrypicking hot topics to address.

In the case of the cell phone, it's not the phone that causes accidents - it's the distracted driver. Banning the use of the cell phone doesn't prevent the driver from becoming distracted by other things. Like taking off your suit jacket while driving. Doing a sudoku puzzle. Adding sugar to your McDonald's coffee. Turning around to crack the kids in the mouth. Putting hot sauce on your Beef Meximelt. There are plenty of legal activities that distract us while driving. Singling out one lends the illusion that politicians are protecting us from harm, when they're really just protecting their jobs.

The goal here is safer roads. Why should there have to be laws itemizing all activities deemed unsafe while operating a motor vehicle? Can't there be a single law that says the driver must refrain from any activities that divert attention from the act of driving? Such a sweeping edict might irk a lot of multi-tasking commuters, but if safer roads are what we're going for, wouldn't it be better than a handful of capricious laws banning arbitrary activities? Driving is a privilege, remember...not a right. That's the first thing they teach you in Driver's Education, and the first thing everybody forgets.

If we're so interested in making the roads safer, why stop at cell phones? Why not ban smoking while driving? Dropping a cellphone in your lap seems a little less likely to cause an accident than dropping a half-smoked Marlboro. Why not ban changing CDs? It diverts your eyes from the road longer than it takes to quick dial yout friend on the phone. And applying make-up directly competes with the act of driving for visual attention. By the logic invoked in a ban on cellphones, laws prohibiting these other activities would also make the roads safer - would they not? So where do we draw the line?

Safer roads are the result of increased awareness and greater responsibility on the part of the operator. But people are people, and laws are sometimes required to legislate what should be common sense. I know that I am in constant violation of the of rules of common sense. Don't stick that knife in the toaster. Don't microwave tin foil. Don't drink that expired milk. Don't leave your apartment unlocked. But such violations are primarily threats to MY well being, not the well being of others, which is why the law leaves me alone. It's those behaviors that are dangerous to others that we feel compelled to control. And so I relent that it is probably a good idea that there are laws prohibiting certain behaviors, such as the use of hand-held mobile phones, while driving.

I just wish we could be a little more thorough if we're going to tackle safer roads, because Maybelline application at 45 miles an hour frightens me a lot more than the bloke conducting business from the comfort of his Beamer.

COSTUME BALL

In this photo, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice sports this year's Halloween Costume for reporters outside of the National Center for Media Studies in Washington. She said her "StormKitty" outfit did a good job of capturing the spirit she brings to the Administration: a hard-nosed assassin with a touch of gratuitous femininity.

GAS GUZZLING HOTTIES, VOLUME 2

If I've learned one thing in my life, it's that people, by and large, are fucked up. Yes, you too. We're all completely nuts. Seriously, you'll be better off if you just admit it. There's no such thing as normal.

I need no further proof in support of this proposition than the following link.

It's a website where people send in video clips of themselves humping Hummers. Yes, the vehicles.

I don't know when this became a "thing," but it clearly points to the impending collapse of our civilization. Thanks to JD for sharing this wild ride...

(The one titled "Call On Me" is too hot for words)

OBJECTIFICATION

You know what really fucking sucks? That women in our society are treated as sex objects. I hate it. Everywhere you look women are coveted for the way they look instead of being appreciated for who they are or what they do. It's just wrong...and it's not FAIR!

Just once I'D like to be objectified for the way I look - to be judged on my physical appearance and sex appeal. To have people ignore my other qualities and say things like, "He only got that job because of the humongous bulge in his Dockers." Or, "He looks like a slut...but I'd wear those jeans, too, if I had his ass." To get whistled at just for getting into my car. To notice all the heads turn as I sashay my sizzlin' rump down the sidewalk. To get people to stop what they're doing and help me out just because, in some twisted fantasy world in their head, I may be so grateful I will decide to sleep with them.

Yeah...just ONCE I'd like to wield that kind of power. Then it's back to being all about what I do and what I drive. Oh, he's a lawyer with twin Mercedes. Oh, she's married to a doctor - drives a Land Rover. Oh, he used to play football at Purdue...nice Escalade. Oh, he's the problem gambler with the Corvette.




[Yes, I am kidding. No need to comment on my enormous package.]

TWISTED

American television takes a lot of knocks for having virtually no cultural value whatsoever. But we're not the only ones drowning in a sea of sensationalism. In fact, I'd argue that the Japanese are way beyond the Americans where crap programming is concerned.

You be the judge.

Say this tongue twister...OR ELSE!

Or else what? Tune in and find out!

CRUISING THROUGH HELL AT 4 MPH

Anyone who commutes knows that traffic can be hell. My buddy JD KNEW he was in hell when he looked up and saw the back of this school bus.

He said he got another chuckle when he noticed that, as it rounded the corner, it was a short bus. That's the one good thing about hell - you can do and say all those awful things you used to say you were going to go to hell for...and it doesn't matter because you're already there!

Like giggling at the short bus...

STREAMING AUDIO

You know what I'm REALLY good at? Pissing in the dark. An underdeveloped skill in most people, I can piss with expert precision in zero-illumination environments. I wasn't always this sharp a marksman. There was a time it took me several test blasts before I was able to hone in on the porcelain target. But now I have everything worked out.

Why would anyone want to piss in the dark? Because when you're still half asleep at four in the morning, flipping on a light switch and blasting fully dilated pupils with 75 watts can be downright painful. Sometimes you just want to meander in, piss, and meander back to bed with your eyes closed - as if sleepwalking. Makes the exercise less disruptive to an otherwise good night's rest. Here's what I do:

I take small steps up to the pot until I can feel the cold porcelain touching my shins. I adjust my position so the coldness feels equally spaced. Once centered, I take a half step back with each foot to create a little distance. I fish Nemo out of hiding, stretch him fully to clear the urethra for safe passage, direct him straight out to where I imagine the back of the bowl is, then straight down at the floor, then bring him back up half way between the two points at what I would estimate to be a 45 degree angle. I relax the smooth muscles and whiz away. As the stream hits the water, I gauge my proximity from the center by sound - like a bat echo-mapping its way through the darkness. This enables me to fine tune my stream, preventing excess mist from accumulating on the rim.

As I feel myself nearing completion, I lean forward slightly to ensure my entire unit is above the bowl, directing Nemo straight down to squeeze out those last few drops. Urination complete, I stuff him back into my boxers and reach forward to flush. From my sonar exercises I know precisely where the handle is. And then I shuffle back to bed with an empty bladder for several more hours of peaceful slumber.

THE WHEELING WALLENDA

A guy at work captured this photo yesterday of Mario Wallenda, an original member of "The Flying Wallendas." Mario was left a paraplegic by a fall over 40 years ago, but he didn't let that stop him from riding the rope again. In this picture, the 66-year-old daredevil can be seen balancing his special "sky cycle" as crosses the Chicago River.

I'm told there was quite a crowd there, as the stunt was arranged by a local radio station. You can see a lot of pedestrians stopped on the bridge in the distance. I'm told the tight-rope ride was rather anticlimactic - Mario reached the other side without incident. The guy who snapped this shot was disappointed, saying: "The least he could have done was wobble a little bit or something. He cruised across like it was no problem. It was kind of boring actually."

STICKS AND STONES...

Does anyone else think there's something fundamentally wrong with Islamic Fundamentalists?

Many have been calling for the Pope's execution. Yes - they want the Pope dead because of some remarks he made about the prophet Mohammed - remarks the Vatican says were taken out of context. It was actually a quote from some 13th century know-it-all no one's ever heard of. No matter - it gave Mulsims another excuse to hate westerners and declare Jihad on the non-Muslim world. Another day in the life...

This political cartoon captures the irony perfectly.

It seems to me a good chunk of the nation of Islam is perpetually on the verge of violent protest. They seem to thrive on it. At first, the Pope's remarks, which were delivered in a speech (he wishes he could take back, I'm sure) last week, only invited rebuke. Top clerics merely demanded an apology from the Pontiff. But once the apology came, suddenly it wasn't good enough. Now, nothing short of his execution will suffice. "Sorry, you quoted a dude who, centuries ago, had some disparaging things to say about Mohammed, and for that you must die." They're burning effigies of the Catholic pointman in streets all around the world. Why can't these folks just settle down already?

Now that Christianity is in the crosshairs, why don't we see bloodthirsty Roman Catholic protesters burning pictures of Mohammed in the street? Where's the call to execute radical Muslim clerics? Is this a media bias? Or is it possible that one of the fundamental differences between Islam and other world religions is an emphasis on the sword? These folks are a sensitive bunch, and passionate about their protests. Remember the cartoon controversy? Pictures and words. If I were an image consultant hired to clean up the reputation of Islamic zealots, my advice would be:

"Settle the fuck down already. This isn't good PR for you folks. You keep telling the world that Islam is supposedly a "peaceful" religion, but the proof is in the protest. Every time someone says something you don't agree with, there's worldwide outrage and chants of death to [fill-in-the-blank]. You're promoting the perception that you're not a reasonable bunch. You need a new approach here. From now on, here's your sound byte: Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will never hurt us. That's it. No more death threats. No more riots in the street. No more holy wars. Only sticks and stones."

POLLING PLACES, SO TO SPEAK

My buddy Ed and I were talking about the ancient art of self-gratification last week when he wondered aloud how many of the United States he had "mastered," so to speak. I'd never thought of that before, but estimated my count to be somewhere around 7 or 8. Not an impressive stat for the self-proclaimed Jolly Llama of hand-to-gland combat. So Ed suggested I put the question to the public so we could get a feel for the national mean.

So? In how many of the American States have you achieved libidinal enlightenment by becoming one with yourself?

THE LAST DASH

Here's a little something sweet and sentimental for those who may have lost someone recently. It's a beautiful slide slow called The Dash. I've lost a friend and a relative in the past 6 months, so I found the thought behind this rather meaningful.

And now, if you will excuse me, I am going through pork withdrawal and need a fix.

COOL GIFT IDEAS

Stumbled upon this site accidentally this morning and thought to myself, "Gee! These would make great gifts for some people I know!"

And now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to go back to losing my hair.

GAS ATTACKS

You know what I love? Stinking up the elevator.

Here's what I do. I feel a good one locked and loaded in the ass chamber and I wait. I watch the numbers tick down (or up if that's where I'm headed) and when I'm just three floors away, I let rip. I then shake my pants a bit to work the aroma out, and exit confidently knowing the next person to step inside that ass locker is going to gag on the stench. Don't lie - I know you do it too! People fart in elevators as readily as they pick their nose in the car. It's just the natural thing to do. Elevators are already cramped, uncomfortable places - we can't help but get the urge to dish a little gas. And I, for one, don't fight it.

Have you ever stepped onto an elevator all by yourself and smelled something awful? Yeah - that was me. And the worst part is when the doors open up and someone else gets on. They immediately assume you were the one responsible for that aromatic catastrophe. And you desperately want to explain that you had nothing to do with it - that some monkey with a typewriter on the intenet was the one to blame.

But who'd believe that monkey business?

If I'm in a stinky elevator with a bunch of people, I figure I've got farte blanche to make a deposit of my own. If the air pool is already tainted, what's the point in holding back?

This whole conversation has got me worked up for my next elevator ride. Gotta run!

AYNtK - IN AND OUT AND ABOUT

Last week was a pretty good week. I started reading again for one. It’s been a while since I picked up a book and couldn’t put it down. The hook? “State of Fear” by Michael Crichton. It was a book recommended to me by Dr. “I don’t have to wear pants if I don’t want to” Faber months ago, following my review of Al Gore’s rousing documentary (I never thought I’d put THOSE words together in a sentence), “An Inconvenient Truth.” I dismissed his recommendation out of hand on the grounds that I don’t waste my time with fiction. I’m an information junkie who’s never had much patience for storytelling, and a naïve, closed-minded information junkie at that.

Turns out I had the book “State of Fear” on my bookshelf – it was a gift I forgot I’d received for Christmas. Discovered it last Friday night when my recreational options included, as usual, get drunk and pass out or read. For the first time in my life, I opted to read – and boy, am I glad I did. Couldn’t put that book down. By Sunday I was through 300 pages (which is a lot for someone who has to get up and check his fantasy scores every 20 minutes).

The storytelling is superb, and the premise is based on sound science – Crichton actually goes to the trouble of footnoting the scientific assertions of his characters so you can look them up if you want. I don’t want to spoil it for you (as I know you are going to run out tonight and buy the book), but I will recommend it highly for anyone personally invested in either side of the global warming debate. The perspective afforded by Crichton’s insight was intriguing, if a little unsettling. It’s not a masterful work of literature…but it moves quickly, and the short chapters lend the illusion you’re making good progress. That kind of positive reinforcement roped me in and got me invested. There is actually a very good chance I will finish this book – a rare accomplishment indeed.

But I did more than just read last week.

I also took an architectural tour of the city of Chicago by boat. Fascinating how the city you grew up in looks so different when you’re floating down the middle of it. I found a whole new appreciation for the massive buildings I drive past every day without a thought. It’s easy to forget that people had to design and build these enormous things – and I take them for granted because they’ve always been there. Kind of like my wonderful parents, who always find time to read AYNtK. *wink* I think all city residents should be required to take the tour on its educational merits.

I also went to the Taste of Polonia, which was a crowded Polish street festival on the city’s far northwest side. Most ethnic fests I’ve been to are opportunities for city dwellers to experience the cultural contributions of a featured/celebrated people. The Taste of Polonia, we learned, was an opportunity for Polish people to get drunk together. We were surrounded by Polish people speaking Polish, eating Polish food, reading polish magazines, and drinking Polish beer (called Okacim, which is interestingly, and appropriately, abbreviated O.K. on the bottle). No, I'm not Polish, but when in Polonia… It’s really no wonder I ended up on a dance floor later that night, cutting up rugs with eyes closed, hands jerking like pistons in a sputtering car engine. I highly recommend checking out an ethnic street festival near you.

I also saw a puppet show. No, I’m not pulling your leg. Improv Olympic (now known simply as I/O) has nightly comedy shows at their theater on Clark Street, which is just down the street from historic Wrigley Field. My buddy saw that an improv comedy puppet show entitled “Felt” was playing for just $5, so a bunch of us decided to check it out. We figured for $5,we couldn’t go wrong. That was some seriously funny shit. Probably even worth $8 or $9 – but that stays between you and me. I highly recommend improvisational puppet shows.

I've also been jogging again because my muffin top is starting to spill down to my thighs.

A THOUSAND WORDS

The Senate Intelligence Committee declassified an interesting document today.

The envelope please...

According to the Senate report on prewar intelligence on Iraq, there's NO evidence Saddam Hussein had a relationship with Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and his Al Qaeda associates. The lack of support for the Bush theory that Saddam was in league with Al Qaeda is nothing short of mindblowing considering where we are now, several years later. How did we let him talk us into this fiasco? Oh yeah, he didn't. He dictated our national interest in classic Patrick Swayze style: "It's my way or the highway."

(Where's that highway again? Oh yeah, it's coming up in a couple years.)

Actually, Bush said you're either with us or with them (the terrorists). Wow - I guess that means I'm with, er, the terrorists. That sucks! I don't want to be with the terrorists! Ugh. But I don't want to go to war for no reason either. That would only create MORE terrorists. Dammit - why didn't we have a third choice? "You're either with us, with them, or patient enough to get all of the facts before commiting troops to a cause that's as misguided as it is hopeless." I'll take C!

So now that it's "official," is the Bush echo chamber going to keep insisting the invasion was in our nation's best interest? Of course they will. The phrase "My bad!" wouldn't make for a good official State Department response. Nor would, "Oops!" Or, "That which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." How about, "Everything happens for a reason!" A lot of people already believe that - Bush ought to use it as his justification for the war. Case closed!

I'm just worried by all of this stuff I'm reading about North Korea and Iran. Clearly unimpressed by our resolve in Iraq, they've actually stepped UP their rhetoric. Wait a second - I thought by going to war in Iraq we were showing the other card-carrying members of the Axis of Evil we meant BID-NESS! Well, to borrow a phrase from death metal band, Megadeth (as I often do), "Killing is our business...and business is good!"

Cue Ice T: On with the body count!

By this administration's vaunted logic, we must now invade every nation that poses an indirect threat to our national security - since the direct threat was, at best exaggerated, and at worst completely fabricated. And that's a pretty long list of nations who pose an indirect threat, starting with Fred & Ethel: Mexico and Canada. Did you know a majority of Canadians actually believe the U.S. is at least partially responsible for 911! Those are fightin' words in the Oval Office. Heigh ho, heigh ho - it's off to war we go!

[try whistling this]

Better order your fatigues now so you're sure to get your size.





Amazing how a single photo can sum up the Bush Administration policy on pretty much everything.

Bush on the environment...
Bush on the Constitution...
Bush on foreign policy...
Bush on middle-class taxpayers...

DOGS AND PARENTS AGREE

Sending the kids back to school is fucking great!

JIFFY LUBED

My buddy Wetnap (don't ask) sent me this news expose on the popular oil change chain Jiffy Lube. The jig is up! Apparently, these folks are serial scam artists. 5 out of 9 Jiffy Lube locations recommended and charged for work they didn't do. And it seemed the franchise general managers were completely aware it was going on!

Great investigative reporting, complete with Stossel style confrontations and hidden cameras. A fun few minutes if you've got 'em.

Thanks to da nap, and oh yeah, caveat emptor!

WE CARE WHY?

Yes - it's a fucking baby. Bald with balled up fists. It cries a lot. And craps without warning.

People have been having them for a long time. As long, in fact, as people have been around.

I was one once. As I suspect were you. I doubt either of us made it to the cover of a magazine, though. What's all the fuss about anyhow? Why is this child so newsworthy? Because she was born with a gold spoon in her mouth, or because our culture is hopelessly obsessed with celebrity?

And what's with that name? If you've got the last name Cruise (which is not his original surname, incidentally), you may as well have a little fun with it. How about Caribbean Cruise? People could just call her Carrie for short. Or Control Cruise? I imagine it would look nice on a directory: Cruise, Control. Or what about Motley? Kickstart my heart! Here are all of my favorite alternatives:

Caribbean
Control
Motley
Booze
Carnival
Midnight
Princess
J
Ground
Missile
Casino

But, alas, Suri it is. And good for them. Now go make me another movie, dammit! Or at the very least insult another pill-popping celebrity. This whole procreation routine isn't impressing me. At least the picture is on the cover of the right magazine. Vanity Fair is right!

FANTASY GUYLAND

I have a problem. I am living in a fantasy world.

Fantasy football world, to be precise.

The problem is that I can't tell people "no" when they ask me to join their league. I am a fantasy sports junkie and I reflexively accept every invitation I receive. This year I may have gone too far.

This year I am in 9 leagues.

Okay, it's not as bad as it sounds. They're not all full-scale fantasy leagues with drafts and player rosters and trades. Just most of them. Here's an inventory of my NFL-season-related activities. I'm in 1 Yahoo Fantasy football PLUS league, 3 Yahoo Fantasy Football standard leagues, 1 CBS Sportsline fantasy football league, 1 Yahoo survivor football Pick'em league, 1 Yahoo Salary Cap Fantasy Football League, 1 PoolHost survivor football Pick'em league, and 1 PoolHost standard football pick'em league. It's a lot to keep track of, but I'm committed to being competitive, especially when I've got $$ riding on most of these.

I actually need a Spreadsheet to keep track of my teams, strategies, and activities. It's a full time job, let me tell you. I don't know when I'm going to find the time to actually WORK. Besides bathroom breaks, of course.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to prepare for my final draft of the season by pre-ranking the league's top 250 players. Shouldn't take but a couple hours...

SCAM ALERT!

My good friend in corrections sent me a "heads up" to share with any guy friends who may be regular Home Depot customers. Since I am all about sharing, I figured I would post his warning here for everyone. This is a relatively new scam that I was unfamiliar with.

**********

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are loading your shopping.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, "No," and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, and three times just yesterday.

Again - please beware!!

**************

Thanks to KH for passing this along. I am heading to Home Depot now to investigate...

FYI

I just wanted you to know that, as I type this post, I am completely naked.

It feels good to strut around in the nude like this, lounging about without a care in the world, hoping nobody decides to come into the office this late.

BE AFRAID...BE VERY AFRAID!

Do you remember where you were on September 11th? Do you remember what you did? Of course you do - we all do!

I went to work that morning just like I did every morning - hungover. The weather was cool, but sunny in Champaign, Illinois - so I hoofed it. I didn't hear anything about the twin towers until around 9:30 CST. I hadn't yet made my rounds of the news websites. No one had called me to share their disbelief. I hadn't been in my car to listen to the radio. And because I was late for work, again, I didn't even have time to flip the tube on. I was completely in the dark about the whole thing until I saw a bunch of coworkers huddled around a tiny television at the office.

'What's going on?" I asked. They all turned and looked at me as if to say, "That wasn't funny." But I wasn't joking. I really had no idea. After realizing what was going on, I headed straight for the office fridge and uncapped a Corona. If we were under attack, I wanted to be sure I was properly sedated. And as the rest of the day unfolded, we all found it difficult to do anything but stare at the images. Yeah...I remember September 11th like it was yesterday.

So what's with this new ad campaign asking us to remember? Yeah - an advertising campaign created to remind us how awful we felt that morning. But do we really need an ad campaign to remind us?

Here’s a link to an article by a guy who has some pretty strong feelings about these ads. Why do we need an ad campaign to remind us of September 11th?

The answer, of course, is that we don't. But there are some people in this country who are willing to spend a lot of money to keep those horrible events at the forefront of our national psyche - people who stand to gain politically from the promotion of fear.

Having us relive that day is not a public service. We remember it just fine and we're not going to forget it. This campaign is clearly a shameless attempt to garner support for a hawkish foreign policy agenda built upon the dangerous and costly premise that we need to pre-emptively invade every country that has the potential to arm terrorists with weapons, by which logic we would need to invade every nation on the planet.

Instead of chasing our problems overseas with bombs and infantry, perhaps we should consider developing alternative forms of energy so we can pull out of the Middle East altogether and let the terrorists shift their attention and ire to the industrious Chinese.