KNOW YOUR CURRENT EVENTS

Here's the latest installment of Know Your Current Events...ripped lovingly from the headlines. How much do you know about your world?

(Answers in the comments field below)

1.) 7-11 in Japan announced this week they would start carrying:

A. Sushi Slushees
B. Extra EXTRA small condoms
C. Canned Oxygen
D. Plastic thong underwear
E. Over the counter birth control pills

2.) A high school teacher had to apologize this week for asking students to write an essay about:

A. Who they would like to kill and how
B. What celebrity they would like to sleep with and where
C. When they lost their virginity and with who
D. How they would like to die and why
E. Pork chops

3.) According to a recent poll, Miami topped the list of American cities for:

A. Metamucil parties
B. Dennis Rodman sightings
C. Illegal alien abductions
D. Road rage
E. Accidental colonoscopies

4.) In a speech on the topic of immigration reform, President Bush said this about amnesty for illegal immigrants:

A. "I loved Amnesty, or am I thinking about Falcon Crest?"
B. "I am all for it, but only when the life of the mother is at risk."
C. "I'm going to go with Dick on this one, but don't quote me on that."
D. "I oppose it."
E. "They can drink whatever they want so long as they pay their taxes."

5.) This week, new White House Press Secretary Tony Snow surprised many when he:

A. Dropped the F-bomb
B. Admitted he was gay
C. Wept openly
D. Told a correspondent to take the marbles out of her mouth
E. Quit

6.) The FBI began digging in a farm field in Michigan this week looking for:

A. A briefcase believed to contain enriched uranium flakes
B. The remaining remains of Jimmy Hoffa
C. A tunnel used to import cheap Mexican labor
D. Xanadu
E. Love in all the wrong places

7.) Ex-American Idol hopeful and dubiously iconic William Hung (She Bangs!) was recently named:

A. Artist of the Year by Disney Radio
B. The Artichoke King
C. “Long Strapper” by Well Hung magazine
D. #24 on the People magazine’s list of World’s Sexiest People
E. Mark Cuban's hairdresser

8.) A new law passed by the Iranian parliament:

A. Bans voting for an American Idol
B. Requires Jews and Christians to wear color-coded I.D. badges in public
C. Outlaws pudding baths
D. Makes it illegal to leave your camel in a handicapped spot
E. Changed the national anthem to the Flock of Seagulls song "I Ran"

9.) Saddam Hussein’s novel, which hit the shelves in Japan this week, is titled:

A. “Oil Be Back”
B. “Get Out of Here, Curse You”
C. “Brokeback Camelboy”
D. “The Gentle, Breaking Wind”
E. "W Stands for Wuss"

10.) This week, the United States Senate made…:

A. English the national language of the United States
B. Brownies from scratch
C. A run for the border
D. Love out of nothing at all
E. Hay

TEN PLACES YOU CAN ALWAYS LAY THE BLAME

The media

The man

The rain

Big business

Big brother

Lawyers

Fate

The dog

The agency

Communists

PAGING DR. FREUD

I don’t know how someone makes a slip of this nature, but it was a good one. And embarrassingly public. Mountain climbing is risky enough without some dizzy news anchor calling you a flame-broiled Whopper.

Thanks to Greggy Tah for this masterful gaffe.

AMERICA VOTED

I received n e-mail alert from Ticketmaster.com this morning letting me know that some great shows have been scheduled for venues in my area. The feature show in the e-mail was the "Pop-Tarts presents American Idols Live" show at the Allstate Arena.

Pop-Tarts presents American Idols?

My first thought was how the hell did Pop-Tarts win sponsorship of the American Idol tour? And why? What do toaster pastries have in common with an internationally televised talent search? I must confess, the connection was not immediately clear. There HAD to be more relevant sponsors than Pop-Tarts. And then I figured it out. I just think they got the order wrong.


AMERICAN IDOL PRESENTS POP TARTS


Yeah - that's much better.

THE DAY AFTER

I’ve been adding things up on my end and I have come to a conclusion. It’s definitely better to be overhung than hungover.

I have found a new cure for the common hangover, by the way. A beef Meximelt at Taco Bell magically erased a number of symptoms at once earlier today. Fatty, cheap faux-mexican cuisine restores me to full health every time. I am deeply grateful for the man who made my Meximelt.





And another thing. Don’t feel obligated to agree with me just because I’m always right.

NO SPANK YOU

Spanking someone else's monkey is not cool.

DRUNKEN BETS YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE, #4

You are going to love this clip. It’s short and salty.

Have you ever had the urge to slide head first through a urinal trough? Don’t answer that. Instead just watch this clip of someone who actually did.

It is widely believed the feat was performed at Wrigley Field, although my team of forensic urinal experts tells me this is not Wrigley. I was actually at Wrigley last night and the troughs in the restrooms under the main stands are not wide enough to accommodate acrobatic watersports of this nature. The restrooms under the bleachers may be more conducive to an act like this, although I would have to inspect the material composition of the structure to know for certain. Stainless steel basins provide a slick surface considerably more favorable for the otterslide glide than the industrial ceramic troughs commonly found in the restrooms of older stadiums like Wrigley.

What gives it away for me, however, are the red SOLO cups strewn about in the clip. Wrigley Field doesn’t serve beverages that come in red SOLO cups, leading me to believe this act occurred elsewhere on God’s yellow earth.

Regardless, the clip is a fantastic endorsement for a revival of the temperance movement.

ORBITOGRAPHY

Here’s a sweet fucking look at our home planet as seen from the eyes in the sky. Takes a bit to load, but it opens in another window so you can keep reading AYNtK while it does. Isn't that convenient? When it's done loading, don't forget to read the little tag in the bottom of the frame to know what you’re looking at.

The pic of Mt. Etna’s smoke tail is fantasmo. Me thinks you will dig.

And if you don’t, that’s okay too.

IT WAS DARK THIS MORNING!

I just looked down and feel obliged to confess that if my socks matched any less I'd technically fall into the DSM-IV's classification for Severe Fashion Retardation. The only way I've been able to explain it is to say they match my underwear, which is a complete fabrication considering I am not wearing any. Didn't have any freshies this a.m.

HOMESPUN FUN

Here’s what you can do with a little dialogue and a video camera. It’s a clip called Jedi Breakfast and I found it pretty damn inspiring.

AND NOW LET'S TURN TO AN EXPERT FOR MORE...

This story is fucking great. The BBC has admitted it accidentally interviewed a man on live television they thought was an expert on technology, when he was actually a graduate from central Africa in the studio for a job interview.

Apparently, there was a mix-up of some kind behind the scenes, where Guy Goma was waiting patiently to interview for the position of data support cleanser. He was reportedly met in the reception area by a producer who led him to a studio, sat him on a stool, and clipped a microphone to his lapel. He wasn't exactly sure what was going on and thought perhaps it was part of the interview process, so he went along with it, even though the job for which he was applying would not require a good on-screen presence. You should also know that English is NOT Mr. Goma’s first language, which likely contributed to his confusion.

Once seated, a presenter introduced him as Guy Kewney, editor of a technology website.

[Cue lights. Go camera two.]

“Tell us…were you surprised by the verdict in the trademark dispute between Apple and The Beatles' Apple Corporation?”

It was the perfect fucking question because in that moment, Guy was VERY VERY surprised. So he did what anyone thrust suddenly into the spotlight would do. He answered the question.

“I am very surprised at the verdict,” he replied. “Because I was not expecting that when I came.”

Then the BBC's instant expert on technology answered another question. Then another.

He later recalled his 30 seconds of fame: “(It was) very stressful,” said Guy, whose first language is French. “When I was on set already and we started already the presentation, I couldn't stop ... so at that time I said 'keep going'...”

What a great sport.

Meanwhile, Guy Kewney, the ACTUAL technology expert, was watching the whole thing live on a monitor in the studio wondering who in fuck was presuming to be HIM on television.

Guy was since invited back for a second interview, but there has been no word on whether he has been hired for the position of data support cleanser. If that doesn't work out, they ought to consider giving him a shot at co-anchoring the evening's international news. Grace under pressure.

THE TALL-TALE HEART

As you may be aware, legendary baseball star and alleged prince of performance enhancing drugs, Barry Bonds, has been struggling to hit the home run that would tie him for second with Babe Ruth on the all-time home run list. The whole thing sounds like an Edgar Allan Poe story to me.

The Tall-Tale Heart is a modern day fable about a man who steadfastly denies the use of steroids as he nears a great athletic achievement – only he just can’t seem to reach the mark because his guilty conscience won’t allow it.

Night after night he takes the field and swings for the fences, but instead of the happy crack of ball meeting bat, all Barry hears is the beating of his enlarged heart. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump.


And - somewhere - the Babe smiles.

TIME WASTERS

This link could possibly be more worthless than Ann Coulter.

On second thought…


Click around until you hit the magic spot.

BORDER-LINE PLAGARISM

El Presidente gave a prime-time speech on immigration reform last night. It was the first time he addressed the nation from the Oval Office on an issue of domestic concern during his two terms. I watched it from the edge of my seat, poised to pounce on every ludicrous word he was certain to utter regarding the millions of illegal aliens on permanent holiday in our great country.

But as my ears searched his quivering prose for absurdity, I grew shocked at how little there was to criticize. He was, for perhaps the first time in his presidency, making complete sense to me. I wondered how it was possible that he could suddenly articulate rational points of view, particularly on a topic so hopelessly charged with controversy. And then it all started coming into focus. Word after word. Point after point. There was something familiar about it all. Where had I heard such perfect sense expressed with such crystal clarity before? Eureka!

He was reading my blog post titled Random Notes on Immigration!

I couldn't believe it. Everything was there - the guest worker program, the "make them wait in line behind the folks who are applying legally," making English comprehension a prerequisite for citizenship, all of it! As he delved into the details of his plan, I could see the paper in front of him on his Oval desk was a print out of my post. He was using AYNtK as Cliff's Notes for a presidential address! It was all too much to handle - I fell off my couch in shock. Hearing my jokes on late night monologues is one thing, especially considering jokes on current affairs tend to be obvious. I can't really take credit for those. But here I was clearly providing major domestic policy insight for a world power. The only thing he didn't mention was the Great Moat of North America. That's okay, G-dubs - gotta hold back a little something for next time.

This is going to look really good on my resume.

MYTOPIA

The other day I was pondering the question, “How do you see yourself in 10 years?” and I honestly couldn’t.

I couldn’t even see myself in five years.

I’ve never been good at picking a point in the future and imagining life then. I’ve always been more concerned with things like what I’m going to have for lunch. Frankly, I don’t like thinking about 10 years from now because every time I've ever imagined something pleasant that didn't materialize, I felt like a catastrophic failure. I don't want my life to be a series of unrealized visions.

Rather than risk the disappointment, I figure it’s better to assume things will be good in 10 years – however things are. I would never say that in an interview, though. Those folks like to hear that you’ve got a plan – something that motivates you from day to day. That’s why it’s important to say something like, “In five years I plan to have your boss’s job.” Then laugh like you’re joking and stop suddenly so they wonder what's really going on in your head.

The fact that I can't imagine myself 10 years from now had me wondering: how far in the future can I see? Turns out it's not very far. Most of the time I can’t even see what I’ll be having for dinner, much less how things are going to be in 5 years. Some go-getters might preach that this lack of vision has likely prevented me from becoming more than what I am today – but since I’m not unhappy in the least at what I’ve become, I can’t say that lack of vision is a bad thing. Without vision, I have become what I am and trust that this is what I was supposed to be. Thanks to my short-sightedness, I've been spared a lifetime of disappointment! How's that for looking on the bright side?

Self-help tutorials on success tell you it all begins with a vision. You need to be able to picture a point in time and focus on that – I suppose the shorthand term for this would be something called a “goal.” I think I have goals, even if I lack vision. Yes, really. I have a general idea of where I’d like to be and what I’d like to be doing – but mostly it’s about how I’m going to feel when I get there: which is good. I’d like to feel good in five years. And ten. And if God gives me 15 or 2 more, I'd like to feel good then, too. I might still be in advertising then. Or not. I might be an author or a columnist. Or a masturbatory consultant. Whatever becomes of me, I think the goal is to be good. It's a little different from envisioning myself the owner of a company, or chief creative officer of a marketing boutique, and far less restrictive. I don't want to box myself in like that. Not when the world can change in a day.

So yeah - I lack vision. But I don't see anything wrong with that.

I rarely lament the things I did not become. I don’t feel like my career as a budding musician was prematurely nipped. I don’t feel like I should have been a banker. I don’t wish I’d taken the LSAT, for which I very nearly signed up after college. Who knows how my life would have been had I taken a different path. I think a lot of people think back and imagine it would have been better – so much better – if only they had done something else. If only they had chosen to BE something else.

But we are who are and we do what we do. And we can’t know that things would have been better had we gone a different way, so presuming as much only serves to fuel discontent in what we have actually become. And that’s what’s real. That's what matters.

Now, if you will excuse me, I just envisioned the Prime Beef sub at Quizno's and know exactly where to find one.

WHY GAS PRICES ARE REALLY SO HIGH

In case you were wondering.

I love this guy's stuff.