OUI SURRENDER!

Do you know why ships and aircraft use the term “mayday” when they’re
in trouble? Of course you don’t. Nobody knows that. I am feeling
particularly generous today, though, so I will tell you. The phrase
comes from the French word “m'aidez,” which is pronounced “may day” and means “help me.” It only makes sense that the internationally
recognized call for help is of French origin. Now you know.

PLANETARY INTERCOURSE

Looks like we may have a 10th planet. Scientists in Louisiana and
Britain have independently reported that, by tracing comets through our solar system, it appears a massive planet, or perhaps even a failed star, may exist on the fringe 3 trillion miles away. But because astronomers aren’t sure, they’ve refrained from naming it just yet. In the spirit of Uranus, I’d like to offer the name Mipenus. Then Pluto and Neptune would become the most important planets in our solar system, separating Mipenus from Uranus.

POETRY CORNER

Silly kitty
Sitting pretty
On my new Corvette.
I’m concerned
You haven’t learned
Your fucking lesson yet.
Every morning
I give warning
Chasing you away.
You ignore me
Waiting for me
Every fucking day.
Silly kitty
Sitting pretty
On my bitchin’ ride.
Don’t you see cat?
Playing like that’s
Fucking suicide.
Silly kitty
What a pity
Can’t you understand?
I’m not kidding
Where you’re sitting
Cost me forty grand.
Silly kitty
Won’t be pretty
When I get you good
With a crow bar
Wipe you so far
Off my fucking hood.

ERRORIST ATTACKS

Several more unsubstantiated claims came out of Pakistan this week
reporting that Chief Operating Terrorist Osama Bin Laden remains alive
and is doing quite well. Pentagon officials were quick to dismiss these claims as Turban Legend.