Friday, April 07, 2006


Gotta love this link.

Here are some titles I’ve been working on.

You can make your own book cover here.


Did you know there's a Starbucks on the Great Wall of China? No joke. Word is they actually plan to open five more.

Looks like American Coffee Flu has made its way East. Anthropologists are uncertain whether it spread via trade winds from west to east around the globe, or whether it was carried west across the Pacific on a trans-oceanic flight from Seattle to Beijing. No matter - now that it's there, the pandemic is predicted to wreak widespread havoc on the Orient. No one is safe from the clutches of morning coffee.


I got it off the wall.

"The number you have dialed: Eight. Six. Seven. Five. Three. Zero. Nine. is being checked for trouble."

Just in case you were curious.


I checked my e-mail this morning and saw something remarkable: an e-mail from myself! Curiously, I'd been filed in the Bulk folder.

This wasn't the first time I've ever received an e-mail from myself - only the first time I'd ever seen one that I didn't send to myself. Unsolicited e-mail from yourself is a scary thing. I thought it might be the beginning of a modern-day tech-savvy thriller flick called "When a Stranger E-mails."

I was curious as to what I could possibly be sending me, so I opened it and read the e-mail word for word. It turns out I was offering myself something called v_1_a_g_r_a, and promising longer, firmer erections. I was shocked. I had no idea I had become a boner salesman in my sleep, but apparently I've been hocking pharmaceutical lumber online without even knowing it.

And if you've got an e-mail address, chances are you're selling something, too. That's how these SPAM machines work - they crawl websites looking for e-mail addresses, and then use them to send out millions of junk e-mails. And most people never find out they'vee been pimping dildoes or inviting strangers to view their webcam until they get an evil reply from an angry recipient. I sent myself a reply politely declining interest in longer, firmer erections, saying they cause me much embarrassment in the shower at the gym.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


April Fool’s Day came and went and I didn’t play a single prank on a single person. I usually send out at least one e-mail to my closest friends announcing something shocking. Not this year. This year was prank-free.

Is it just me or is April Fool’s Day losing steam? I personally think people have become so jaded and joke-savvy, it’s nearly impossible to fool anyone anymore. We wake up expecting pranks, so the element of surprise is gone. Maybe we ought to change things up a little bit and start playing April Fool’s Day jokes on every OTHER day of the year. Make April 1st the only prank-free day – a day off from a busy year full of clever ruses and mean-spirited shenanigans.

April Fools needs new rules. Right now we’re just too savvy for our own good. Think about all of the BAD shit that actually happened on April 1st. All the car accidents across the country. All the people given bad medical news. All the people who broke up with people. Life doesn’t stop on April 1st so we can all play jokes on each other – real shit happened to real people. Now imagine these folks trying to share their bad news with anyone on that day. Pretty much any story - particularly good, tragically bad, or exceedingly ugly, is going to be suspicious on April 1st.

“You’re kidding right? April Fool’s? Ha – you got me!”

“No, Brian – my dad really has cancer. You’re such an asshole sometimes.”

This conversation, and conversations like it, went on all over the place last weekend. People trying to talk about serious shit had to break the Fool barrier – a society obsessed with pulling pranks, if only for a day.

“You really expect me to believe that you ran over Roscoe P. Coltrane with the Land Rover? I’m not buying that for one second. Here Roscoe! Come Roscoe! Where are ya boy?!”

“No – I REALLY did. It was horrible! There was a single yelp and then nothing.”

“Right. Whatever. Come on – where is my furry little sheriff?”

Or, maybe, somewhere, it worked to someone’s unexpected advantage.

“Jeff – someone called here earlier saying she was your girlfriend.”

“Oh, honey. Please. I can explain.”

“No need. I understand completely.”

“You do? You understand?”

“Yes, Jeff. I get it. April Fool’s Day. Your ‘girlfriend’ calls. Ha ha.”

“Right. April Fool’s Day! Pretty good one, huh? Bet that had you going.”

“Please, Jeff. If you’re going to play an April Fool’s joke on someone, at least make it believable. Like any girl would have anything to do with your fat, balding ass. I played right along with her.”

“You did? What did you say?”

“I told her I was your wife and that it was good to finally know where your herpes came from. She must have been speechless because she hung up right away. Who was she anyhow? Didn’t sound like your secretary.”

I think next year I’m going to pull out the jokes a day or two early to reinstate the element of surprise. I'm breaking out new rules for April Fools!


I was just thinking about all of the crap I have to deal with at work and I came to the realization that I'd get a lot more done if it weren't for other people. Really. People get in my way. People make issues out of things that shouldn't be issues just to have something to say. People slow down the process. People call meetings to talk about doing stuff instead of actually doing stuff. People who aren't in charge make decisions that end up getting overturned by people who ARE in charge. People are a liability to progress. People impede workflow. People sit on things until the day after they need them and then make it someone else's problem.

Can I get a witness?


I guess technically it's no longer considered "March Madness" once you hit April.

Maybe that explains why ratings fizzled Monday night for the NCAA College Basketball Championship between Florida and UCLA. Or maybe it was because all of the favorites, both sentimental (George Mason) and statistical (UConn, Duke, etc.) were eliminated. Let's face it - for all of its hype, the tournament is really only interesting as long as you're invested emotionally or financially. Once your school is done, it's all about your pool picks. And once those are gone, it's all about next year.

So it really doesn't surprise me that the game didn't pull a bigger audience. I WAS surprised to learn, however, that it was the first time that the annual event didn't win its time slot. Frighteningly, more people watched Deal or No Deal Monday night on NBC than the NCAA Championship game. I am now officially worried about about the state of our nation's mental health.

Have you seen that show? It's like a game show without a game. You don't have to be smart, clever, intuitive, quick-witted, or anything. You don't have to be good at spelling, deductive logic, or trivia. You don't really have to be anything other than breathing and mildly lucid.

It's a "game" show that features a series of contestants making uneducated guesses. Sometimes they're right and sometimes they're wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day (which, I feel obliged to point out, is more than can be said for Sean Hannity).

Basically, Deal or No Deal goes like this.

A or B?


Sorry, it was B.

A or B?


Sorry, it was A.

A or B?


Yes, it was! A or B?


Yes, it was again - boy you're good at this. A or B?


Sorry, it was B again.

It's like the kind of game desperate parents make up to amuse an anxious 3 year old child in the waiting room at the doctor's office. And now it's pulling more viewers than the college basketball championship game. Apparently our lowest common denominator is lower than I thought.

More money for education - stat!

Monday, April 03, 2006



I just had a rockin' sandwich for lunch. Did I just get through telling you people it's all the same? Never mind all that. The new prime rib sub at Quizno's rocks balls. If you are a carnivore, you have to get your mitts on one of these bad boys. It's incredibly tender and super delicious - and a little spicy for those of you who dig on that slight burning sensation. They brag about a double portion of beef and to make sure it's a double portion, they actually weigh it on a little scale beforehand to make sure! The beef itself is thinly shaved, and there aren't any of those unchewable strings of gristle you find in other roast beef sandwiches. This thing was like sucking down a stick of butter from start to finish. I recommend it "with everything on wheat."