DINGLE WARY

I just got through wrestling with the single most stubborn dingleberry I’ve ever encountered. I knew it was there because I could feel it pulling upon my right cheek ever so gently as I whistled frivolously upon the throne. I figured it would let go on its own at some point – but this was a determined little bas-turd.

Since, to my knowledge, there’s no folk literature on removing a stingy dingleberry, I found myself woefully unprepared for the encounter. I couldn't just get up, I thought. I need to do SOMETHING. I glanced about hopefully for a stray pair of scissors, but alas, in a workplace restroom my chances of cutting clean the opportunistic parasite were about as good as a 16-seed cutting down the nets with an NCAA Championship title. Next to zero.

So I executed plan B, raising myself off the pot and descending quickly in an effort to gain gravity’s assistance. As I came to a sudden halt upon the seat, I felt the dingle-menace clutch tighter. I knew there was only one way I was going to exorcise this das-turdly demon free of my ass. I needed to talk to the hand.

I will spare you the explicit details of the excision – just know that it was an unpleasant experience, and explains why I am standing as I type this. If you are ever cursed with a similarly stingy-berry, I am now confident in recommending that you just pull up your shorts and let erosion do the work for you.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

SLAM DUNK MARKETING

What's in a name?

I was just thinking today of some ways to leverage the names of celebrities in selling popular consumer goods, since people tend to gravitate toward the familiar in making purchase decisions. That's the power of the brand name, you know. And few sports leagues have marketed its "brand name" superstars as well as the NBA.

It was with the NBA and Newman's Own in mind that I had another one of my genius ideas: Officially-licensed products bearing the names of some of the National Basketaball Association's most beloved superstars. Here's what I've got so far...

Alonzo's Blueberry Mourning

Eddy's Lamb Curry

Shaquille's O'atmeal

Elton's Brandy

Tim's Duncan Donuts

Jason's Terry Cloth Dish Towel

Channing's Pork Frye Rice

Tracy's McGrade-A Eggs

Donyell's Marshmallows

Steve's Nashed Potatoes

General Yao's Chicken

Gold Ron's Artesticle Cream

Paul's Piercing Pagoda

Kevin's Garnett-Flix

Latrell's Snackwells

TELEVISIONARY

Sometimes I wonder if I watch too much television. What IS too much television? How many hours a week are considered okay? At my age, isn't that just a judgment call?

When I was a kid I remember there being strict regulation on the number of hours spent watching television. My sister and I had a set number of hours per week and we spent them like cash, watching parent-approved programming. Maybe that's why, now, my television is on every waking moment...because I am my own boss now, and those old school rules no longer apply. My time is my own and I can do what I want with it. I also buy a lot of sugary kids cereal because I can. Getting older has a lot of drawbacks - from bills to anxiety - one of its perks is that you can watch as much television as you want.

I must admit there are other, more productive things I could be doing with the idle hours I spend fusing with the cushions of my couch. I could be playing poker online, for example. Or annoying the neighbors by playing guitar. Or reading books - I hear reading is good for mental fitness. Or maybe I could be writing the book everyone says I need to write. No one has any idea what the book would be about, least of all me, but everyone agrees I need to write one. Every time I have an idea for a topic, the comment is the same: "Sounds good, I can't wait to read it." Yeah. And I can't wait to write it. On the commercial, of course.

I like television. Sweet, glorious television. When I come home from work I religiously do two things, in this order: Remove pants, turn on television. Most of the time there's not even anything worth watching - I just like the sound of stuff going on in the background. Makes me feel connected somehow. So I go about my chores or other business while listening to ESPN news, CNN, or that funky jazz music they're always jamming on the Weather Channel. Or Fox News Channel when I need a good laugh. Doesn't really matter - I just like the company...even when I'm in the company of others.

I personally don't think I watch too much television because I'm not really WATCHING it most of the time. It's just on. In terms of actual programming, there are really only a few shows I get excited about, and the total number of hours spent watching is roughly comparable to the number of hours I watched as a kid.

Here's my top 10:

1. Survivor - there's nothing like the real thing, baby. The Amazing Race is fun to catch every once in a while, but Survivor hooked me early on and I never gave it up. Gotta love people playing mind games in the tropics. Yeah, I'm a huge dork.

2. Lost - I was addicted to the DVD collection of season one, but missed the start of season two. So now I have to avoid it every week in order to preserve the integrity of the story. Hoping to catch it in reruns over the summer. Best drama by a mile.

3. The Office - I can actually sit through the same episode more than once. Back to back. The best comedy hands down.

4. The Sopranos - I'm thankful HBO gives us a number of chances to catch this bad boy over the course of the week, especially since it's on opposite Desperate Housewives.

5. Desperate Housewives - I admit it...I watch it, and I enjoy it. Not as much as last season, of course, but I still enjoy tuning in to find out what those zany ladies are going to do next.

6. Grey's Anatomy - Didn't really care for this one when it first came out, but the use of popular music as a story-telling device gave it a curious appeal. I must admit, I do enjoy this dramedy one as well.

7. Scrubs - Close second to the Office for best comedy on television. I don't laugh out loud often, but this show consistently makes me do it.

8. My Name is Earl - Love the concept here, and Randy is a riot. Interesting how my three favorite comedies are among the few on television that don't insult me with a laugh track. Don't tell me when I'm supposed to be laughing - if it's funny, I'll do it on my own. In fact, a fourth favorite comedy would have been Arrested Development, had the show made it.

9. The Apprentice - Big mistake moving it to Monday. I didn't even realize they'd started a new season until it was two weeks in. But Burnett knows how to put together compelling hour-long dramas, so it's always an hour well wasted.

10. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - That Scottish dude is fucking hilarious. Have you ever listened to his monologues? He just rambles on about nonsense for minutes on end - not unlike myself on these very pages, come to think of it. Good stuff.

I also watch a shitload of sports - but that doesn't really count because it's biologically unavoidable. Watching sports is hard-coded in my Y chromosome.

Oh - hey, gotta run. Commercial's over.

URINALYSIS NEGATIVE

Thanks to Karen and Randy for sharing this. According to their forward, the following mural was created by Edge Designs, a woman-run company that designs interior office space. With free rein to design anything they wanted for an office project in NYC, the following design was presented.

If you thought you had stagefright before...












Stagefright is actually a pretty interesting phenomenon that has escaped scientific explanation for years. Also known as Urinalzheimer's, Stagefright is the propensity for the body to "forget" how to discharge urine while the host body is standing in a crowded restroom. The more people in the restroom, and the closer their proximity to the subject, the more severe the symptoms of Urinalzheimer's. Researchers have noted two exceptions to this.

1.) Alcohol's ability to inhibit social awareness actually enables the body to perform as normal in these situations, regardless of how many other people are in the immediate vicinity.

2.) A temporary condition informally referred to as "Fat Dick Days" can facilitate the public urination process. Unfortunately, the "Fat Dick Days" condition is equally mysterious.

"On Fat Dick Days, the male member actually appears more massive in stature - fuller, girthier, and more robust," says Dr. Frank Borscht of the Research Institute for Well Hungarians. "Just as the male sex organ reflexively shrivels up in cold temperatures, it can also swell and expand under other conditions...even in a flaccid state. Armed with an usually fat dick, Urinalzheimer's is not an issue. We just haven't figured out what causes fat dick yet, but it may be the key to defeating Urinalzheimer's for good."

Until then, men will have to rely on alcohol, urinal dividers, and courtesy distance ettiquette when relieving themselves in the presence of other men.

COLOR UNCOORDINATED

So we're sitting in a shoe store over the weekend and Geri asks me a question that may or may not have been rhetorical.

"You DO know that those colors don't go together, right?"

I glanced down at what I was wearing. A light brown sweater over a chocolate brown t-shirt, light brown cords, and a tan coat.

"No, Geri," I admitted. "How would I know that? I'm a fashion retard. I figured everything was a shade of brown, so it all would match."

"No," she replied. "That's not how it works."



This may go a long way toward explaining why people don't always take my ideas seriously at work.

(It couldn't be the ideas themselves!)