Friday, December 09, 2005


Have you ever walked into your home at the end of a long day and it was so messy the theme song from Sanford and Son started playing in your head? Happened to me last night and I nearly shit my pants laughing. Yes, my condo unit is a junkyard. The furniture is all helter skelter and piled high with papers, boxes, and assorted crap. And the clothes – it looks like a Samsonite exploded. Boxer shorts, dirty socks, and t-shirts are everywhere – hanging on doorknobs, draped over chairs, and fencing in the dust bunnies that live in the corners. I will spare you a description of the smell – at least until I have identified its origin.

Stumbling in on that mess last night was made even worse by the fact that it took me a mind-numbing hour and a half to get home from work. I’ve actually WALKED to my office in less time than that. But that’s what snow during rush hour does. It activates the “idiot” gene in people, an impairment far more dangerous than any amount of alcohol one could consume. People start disregarding traffic signals altogether. They drive along the dotted line in the middle of the road. They blow red lights, block intersections, and fishtail like the Duke boys out of frustration – all without wiping the snow off their side and back windows. Makes for a real happy fucking holiday season. I actually lucked out for a little while when I managed to swing into the wake created by a passing ambulance. Then some jackass cut me off and started letting all the slow-pokes creep back in front of us. Moron. If you’re going to follow an ambulance, you gotta stick close and make it count.

Oh well – I’m glad that episode is over. Next time I’ll know to walk. Okay, time to clean up the junkyard.

Oh dis is da big one!


Stay focused on one thing and you’ll miss everything else.

Thursday, December 08, 2005


Super conservative columnist Ann Coulter sells a lot of books, but she also boils a lot of blood. She’s essentially made a living out of skewering people who don’t share her political beliefs. And every so often, the people skewer her right back. Take this week, for example. She had to cut short a speech she was delivering at the University of Connecticut thanks to a chorus of boos and jeers. But the good part is what happened next. Instead of storming off in a fit of absolute righteousness, she decided to hold an impromptu question-and-answer session instead, adding:

“I love to engage in repartee with people who are stupider than I am.”

Of course she does - it doesn't happen very often. Hey - at least she’s admitting she’s stupid. I sense healing may be underway.

If you’re a big Ann Coulter fan, you’ll probably want to avoid the following blogger post, which is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.

This is Ann Coulter. No word on whether she has eaten since this photo was taken.


Here comes the snow

(Little darlin’)

Here comes the snow

(And I say)

It’s all white.


It’s not often that the president of Iran and I agree. In fact, we usually end up getting into a heated shouting match, then fisticuffs. And his bodyguards are not gentle in pulling us apart, let me tell you. He’s a spirited bastard, that guy. But this is all beside the point, which I was going to make but forgot.

Oh yeah. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said a few things today that really had me nodding my head in agreement. If we had been in the same room, I might have knocked fists with him. Just for the cameras, though. I’m really not down with the whole Iran clan.

Anyhow, Mahmoud basically said that if Germany and Austria feel responsible for massacring Jews during World War II, then the state of Israel should be on THEIR soil instead of smack dab in the Middle East where no one feels responsible for the holocaust (or sorry about it, if they believe it happened at all). It’s a ludicrous proposition because it would never happen – but one that merits a little discussion. At least that’s what my monkey tells me. So here we go.

Let’s start with the source. To say he’s a little biased here is to say Elton John is a little gay. This Mahmoud character is the same guy who drew widespread international criticism a couple months ago when he said Israel “must be wiped off the map.” It appears he’s softened his rhetoric a little bit, now just calling for a relocation. And I bet he’d even rent a truck and help them move a few boxes if asked. A real helpful guy. Now, some folks may be thinking I am out of my MIND, wondering how in Hades moving Israel to another locale is a reasonable solution to the mid-east peace problem. Don’t worry, Mahmoud has it all worked out. But for logic’s sake, a little background is necessary.

For those of you unfamiliar, Israel was not a sovereign state until 1947 – the same year the television was invented, and aren’t our lives a whole lot richer for that? Amen. Anyhow, when the Brits divvied up the spoils following World Wars Uno y Dos and started redrawing boundaries, there were a few things they didn’t really take into consideration – minor things like the PEOPLE living there. It’s true. There were PEOPLE living in Israel before it was Israel. Can you imagine that? Yeah – kinda sucked to be them. And yes, by most accounts, it still does.

As it happens, from Sudan to India and all across the Middle East, most of today’s global hot spots can be traced back to myopic British map-alterations. But that’s a startling revelation I’ll save for the day after I’m dead.

Today we’re considering the logic behind Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s (pronounced: “President Whats-his-fuck”) controversial suggestion. Here are a number of excerpts for your reference:

“Now that you believe the Jews were oppressed, why should the Palestinian Muslims have to pay the price? Why did you come to give a piece of Islamic land and the territory of the Palestinian people to them? You oppressed them, so give a part of Europe to the Zionist regime so they can establish any government they want. We would support it. So, Germany and Austria, come and give one, two or any number of your provinces to the Zionist regime so they can create a country there which all of Europe will support and the problem will be solved at its root. Why do they insist on imposing themselves on other powers and creating a tumour so there is always tension and conflict?"

You know – that’s not horrible logic when you think about it. Of all the places in the world to pitch a tent, why there? Israel exists where it is because that’s where the nomadic Zionists wanted to be. It is, after all, according to religion, the “promised land.” So, to get it back, they made friends in high places (British Parliament) and when it came time to carve out a little slice of heaven called Israel, they were more or less given that controversial strip of terra firma – never mind the folks already chilling there. There’s been nothing but rock-throwing, fighting, shooting, suicide bombing, house razing, and war since. None of which is good for property values, as I’m sure you know.

So that’s why I’m really feeling President Whats-his-fuck’s solution. He’s putting it back on the Europeans – the people who started the whole mess by giving Israel Israel in the first place. He’s saying, you wanted to give these people their own country, and that’s great, and good for you – but for Allah’s sake, why’d you take from us to give to them?

Although the argument is somewhat logical from that perspective, the Jews would never go for it. Give up the rocky, barren Promised Land for a beautiful wooded plot in Austria? No way. After all, the Jews say it was THEIRS before it was ever the Palestinans. They way they look at it, they're just taking back what is rightfully theirs. Yes, rightfully. That's divine right I'm talking about there. A decision from the court of heaven. Hard to talk people into compromise when they're convinced they have a God-given right to something. The whole thing is about as hopeless as Terrell Owens discovering humility.


Unless there was a way to transport the “holy” out of the holy land. I don’t know how exactly – I haven’t done all the math. But can’t they just cart off pieces of Jerusalem on a flatbed truck? Come on! I’ve seen pre-fab homes cruising down the Interstate in halves – can’t we just extract portions of sacred ground and move them? The Palestinians wouldn’t have much use for those temples anyhow. Better they be carted off with old religious buildings, statues, and other assorted holy landmarks. We can do this. I know we can. Who’s with me?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Damn it. I’m only trying to help. I just want everybody to get along! Oh well, back to the drawing board. And NO – the Brits are not invited to the drawing board. Haven’t they created enough controversy already? As for President Whats-his-fuck, I’m thinking the Swiss will invade Luxemburg before the Jews move to Austria. Nice try, but – as they say – no cigar.


I am getting fat.

Happy can't be far behind!


Here’s a multiple-personality search engine you should check out. They combine the results of Google and Yahoo! Search on a single screen. I find it interesting how the results vary between the two based on an identical string of keywords. I must say, Yahoo! outperformed Google in 4 out of 5 searches I performed, delivering websites that more precisely matched what I was searching.

Try it yourself. Minutes of hot action!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


Startling new research suggests there is a strong link between consuming excessive food and becoming overweight. Scientists at the Delaware University of Health (DUH) revealed Wednesday the results of a 5-year study in which they tracked the eating behavior of 1,500 very hungry people. Lead researcher Dr. Robert Kruller says the findings are revolutionary.

"What we are seeing is a dramatic correlation between body weight and food consumption," Kruller noted. "It appears as though the more our subjects eat, the heavier they become. It's quite astonishing really."

One variable seemed to play a mitigating role, however. Exercise.

"Remarkably, those subjects who increased their level of physical activity during the research period gained little to no extra weight. It was as if the food they were eating just burned up."

Although they say they're not exactly sure how the pieces all fit together, they feel the results point them in the right direction.

"Obesity is fast becoming epidemic here in America, and we need to get to the bottom of it. This study measurably demonstrates that food intake may be playing a significant role. We're very excited about the results."

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Monday, December 05, 2005


For those of you who've been wondering, it IS possible to burp and fart at the same time. It took me a few tries to get the timing down right, the dual exhaust thing can definitely happen. I recommend practicing for tone in the privacy of a restroom before bringing your gasymphony to the masses. I finally think I'm ready for the big show!


BAGHDAD, Iraq –A witness in the trial against Saddam Hussein testified Monday that the former president's agents carried out random arrests, torture, and killings. No loud courtroom “gasps” were reported following this testimony. But in one of his many courtroom outbursts, Saddam defended his “Death to people I don’t like” policy, loudly declaring in his best Jack Nicholson, “I am not afraid of execution!”

Perhaps lost in translation was the fact that Saddam is expected to be on the receiving end this time around.

When pressed on the issue of death, the health consequences of which are generally accepted as irreversible, Saddam said he would prove he is truly fearless by becoming a contestant on celebrity dictator episode of Fear Factor.

Cuba's Fidel Castro and North Korea's Kim Jong-Il will be joining Hussein as the three gross each other out for a shot at 50,000 U.S. clams. Joe Rogan, host of the NBC reality show, was reluctant to reveal the stunts, but offered: "It's going to be wicked cool. We really wanted to push the envelope with these guys. I mean, they're ruthless. They're insane. They're going to be willing to do some stuff most normal people wouldn't even consider."

Rogan dismissed rumors that the first stunt would involve dining on a cadaver. "That's crazy, dude. Who told you that? Was he a tall dude with glasses? Don't print that. This is off the record. Seriously. Who told you that shit?"