PRESIDENT AHMADINEJAD FALLS OFF THE WELCOME WAGON

It’s not often that the president of Iran and I agree. In fact, we usually end up getting into a heated shouting match, then fisticuffs. And his bodyguards are not gentle in pulling us apart, let me tell you. He’s a spirited bastard, that guy. But this is all beside the point, which I was going to make but forgot.

Oh yeah. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said a few things today that really had me nodding my head in agreement. If we had been in the same room, I might have knocked fists with him. Just for the cameras, though. I’m really not down with the whole Iran clan.

Anyhow, Mahmoud basically said that if Germany and Austria feel responsible for massacring Jews during World War II, then the state of Israel should be on THEIR soil instead of smack dab in the Middle East where no one feels responsible for the holocaust (or sorry about it, if they believe it happened at all). It’s a ludicrous proposition because it would never happen – but one that merits a little discussion. At least that’s what my monkey tells me. So here we go.

Let’s start with the source. To say he’s a little biased here is to say Elton John is a little gay. This Mahmoud character is the same guy who drew widespread international criticism a couple months ago when he said Israel “must be wiped off the map.” It appears he’s softened his rhetoric a little bit, now just calling for a relocation. And I bet he’d even rent a truck and help them move a few boxes if asked. A real helpful guy. Now, some folks may be thinking I am out of my MIND, wondering how in Hades moving Israel to another locale is a reasonable solution to the mid-east peace problem. Don’t worry, Mahmoud has it all worked out. But for logic’s sake, a little background is necessary.

For those of you unfamiliar, Israel was not a sovereign state until 1947 – the same year the television was invented, and aren’t our lives a whole lot richer for that? Amen. Anyhow, when the Brits divvied up the spoils following World Wars Uno y Dos and started redrawing boundaries, there were a few things they didn’t really take into consideration – minor things like the PEOPLE living there. It’s true. There were PEOPLE living in Israel before it was Israel. Can you imagine that? Yeah – kinda sucked to be them. And yes, by most accounts, it still does.

As it happens, from Sudan to India and all across the Middle East, most of today’s global hot spots can be traced back to myopic British map-alterations. But that’s a startling revelation I’ll save for the day after I’m dead.

Today we’re considering the logic behind Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s (pronounced: “President Whats-his-fuck”) controversial suggestion. Here are a number of excerpts for your reference:

“Now that you believe the Jews were oppressed, why should the Palestinian Muslims have to pay the price? Why did you come to give a piece of Islamic land and the territory of the Palestinian people to them? You oppressed them, so give a part of Europe to the Zionist regime so they can establish any government they want. We would support it. So, Germany and Austria, come and give one, two or any number of your provinces to the Zionist regime so they can create a country there which all of Europe will support and the problem will be solved at its root. Why do they insist on imposing themselves on other powers and creating a tumour so there is always tension and conflict?"

You know – that’s not horrible logic when you think about it. Of all the places in the world to pitch a tent, why there? Israel exists where it is because that’s where the nomadic Zionists wanted to be. It is, after all, according to religion, the “promised land.” So, to get it back, they made friends in high places (British Parliament) and when it came time to carve out a little slice of heaven called Israel, they were more or less given that controversial strip of terra firma – never mind the folks already chilling there. There’s been nothing but rock-throwing, fighting, shooting, suicide bombing, house razing, and war since. None of which is good for property values, as I’m sure you know.

So that’s why I’m really feeling President Whats-his-fuck’s solution. He’s putting it back on the Europeans – the people who started the whole mess by giving Israel Israel in the first place. He’s saying, you wanted to give these people their own country, and that’s great, and good for you – but for Allah’s sake, why’d you take from us to give to them?

Although the argument is somewhat logical from that perspective, the Jews would never go for it. Give up the rocky, barren Promised Land for a beautiful wooded plot in Austria? No way. After all, the Jews say it was THEIRS before it was ever the Palestinans. They way they look at it, they're just taking back what is rightfully theirs. Yes, rightfully. That's divine right I'm talking about there. A decision from the court of heaven. Hard to talk people into compromise when they're convinced they have a God-given right to something. The whole thing is about as hopeless as Terrell Owens discovering humility.

UNLESS.

Unless there was a way to transport the “holy” out of the holy land. I don’t know how exactly – I haven’t done all the math. But can’t they just cart off pieces of Jerusalem on a flatbed truck? Come on! I’ve seen pre-fab homes cruising down the Interstate in halves – can’t we just extract portions of sacred ground and move them? The Palestinians wouldn’t have much use for those temples anyhow. Better they be carted off with old religious buildings, statues, and other assorted holy landmarks. We can do this. I know we can. Who’s with me?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Damn it. I’m only trying to help. I just want everybody to get along! Oh well, back to the drawing board. And NO – the Brits are not invited to the drawing board. Haven’t they created enough controversy already? As for President Whats-his-fuck, I’m thinking the Swiss will invade Luxemburg before the Jews move to Austria. Nice try, but – as they say – no cigar.