It's known as Search Engine Optimization and its what web developers do to their code when programming a site to ensure it ranks high on the major search engines. Sometimes you'll get a site that's optimized a little too well. So well, in fact, it tricks the search engine "spiders" perusing the world wide web for relevant content.
Here's a fun example. Go to google.com and type in "failure." Then click the "I'm feeling lucky" button which will take you to the top search result for your keyword. Someone was having a little fun with SEO.
Friday, September 16, 2005
KATRINA'S LATRINA
Blame. Blame. Blame. We're obsessed with it. Every web poll is asking the same question: Who do YOU blame for the mess? Um, I don't know...KATRINA?
But that's not good enough for some people. We need to be able to point at specific individuals and say, "That person right there fucked up and now I'm suffering." It's a miracle anybody bothers helping anybody at all these days. All we hear is criticism. Thanks for helping - what took you so long? Why didn't you do this? Why didn't you try this?
When are we going to have a massive human tragedy that goes RIGHT for a change? Every time something horrible happens we focus on all the things people are doing wrong instead of all the wonderful things people are doing RIGHT. I guess nobody wants to watch a big lovefest on the news - controversy, agony, and plight get much better ratings. It has almost become central to our existence as individuals that we be able to assign blame for everything that happens to us. There are no more accidents, mistakes, and misunderstandings. We've all become victims of someone else's negligence. But that's what happens in a nation of laws - we're conditioned to presume every unfortunate event is the direct result of someone else's behavior. God can't even throw a hurricane anymore without his children blaming each other in the afternath. He's up there thinking, "That was MY deadly storm and they're giving all the credit to this Mike Brown guy!"
For your reference - this is the best article I have read since that damn hurricane turned New Orleans into a port-o-let. !
If you're not a subscriber, it's worth giving them your e-mail address just to read. Funny, funny stuff...
CLICK AROUND
Here are a couple cool sites for your browsing pleasure. I don't understand what the first one is...other than wildly amusing to navigate. Its designer helped create a couple other sites for musicians that are worth checking out, one for a guy by the name of Bob Schneider who I'm seeing live this weekend.
If you've got a few minutes, check out this bad boy and
this jam daddy.
If you've got a few minutes, check out this bad boy and
this jam daddy.
LANGUAGE ARTS
I’ve got two brand new terms that I’d like to introduce into folk vernacular and I thought I’d roll them out right here for you fine people. Are they juvenile and disgusting? You know it!
CRAP CIRCLES: Those mysterious, circular rings that appear on your thighs just above your knees while you’re taking a monster dump. At first you freak out and wonder if aliens are responsible for the spherical, perfectly symmetrical impressions on your skin – but ultimately you come to realize they’re just routine marks leftover from where you were resting your elbows.
"How strange! You've got two red marks in exactly the same spot on both your legs!"
"They're just crap circles - they usually fade in a few minutes."
CRAP DUSTING: The practice of flying over a lawn full of dog shit in a riding mower so you don't have to pick up all the piles piece by piece.
"Why is dad out mowing the lawn in the middle of November?"
"He's just doing a little crap dusting is all."
CRAP CIRCLES: Those mysterious, circular rings that appear on your thighs just above your knees while you’re taking a monster dump. At first you freak out and wonder if aliens are responsible for the spherical, perfectly symmetrical impressions on your skin – but ultimately you come to realize they’re just routine marks leftover from where you were resting your elbows.
"How strange! You've got two red marks in exactly the same spot on both your legs!"
"They're just crap circles - they usually fade in a few minutes."
CRAP DUSTING: The practice of flying over a lawn full of dog shit in a riding mower so you don't have to pick up all the piles piece by piece.
"Why is dad out mowing the lawn in the middle of November?"
"He's just doing a little crap dusting is all."
SOMEBODY'S WATCHING YOU
Cindy and Steve sent me a link a couple weeks ago that freaked me out. It's a Beta program for Amazon.com's online map service that goes a little farther than simply showing you an intersection on a cartoon grid. It shows you actual photographs of the fucking street corner. (Was it really necessary to swear right there? You're damn right it was!) Everywhere I clicked on the map of Chicago, there were photos of buildings, people, cars - like I was actually there with a camera snapping pics of random shit. I almost felt like I was walking around the city. And if you plan on driving some place you've never been, you can actually SEE landmarks in the photos and will know to look for them. It just all seems a little Big Brotherish to me, minus Howie flexing in front of all the mirrors with his light sabre.
Here's the intersection near where I work.That's Greektown Gyros on the corner, where they serve up a fantasmic Italian Beef/Sausage Combo. So damn tasty. Across the street is the Paradox Gentleman's Club outside which I park my car every morning. (That's how rumors get started, incidentally, and I deny them all!) The currency exchange behind you is where the crackheads hang out. I'd turn around if I were you! Then there's the Holiday Bar & Grill - a decent greasy spoon...but they've yet to master the art of a good tuna melt (their tuna's always cold!)
This A9 web-pic-map thing is a relatively new deal, so it's only available in select cities. Go for a walk in a city you've never been to!
Here's the intersection near where I work.That's Greektown Gyros on the corner, where they serve up a fantasmic Italian Beef/Sausage Combo. So damn tasty. Across the street is the Paradox Gentleman's Club outside which I park my car every morning. (That's how rumors get started, incidentally, and I deny them all!) The currency exchange behind you is where the crackheads hang out. I'd turn around if I were you! Then there's the Holiday Bar & Grill - a decent greasy spoon...but they've yet to master the art of a good tuna melt (their tuna's always cold!)
This A9 web-pic-map thing is a relatively new deal, so it's only available in select cities. Go for a walk in a city you've never been to!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
GIVE ME A BREAK
I just got through leaving a book review on Amazon.com and it dawned on me - why not share it with the people I love?
"We've been trained by the media to believe that big business is what's wrong with America. We hear every day new stories of the corporate elite sticking it to the little guy. But what we're forgetting is that free market systems are run by PEOPLE. It's all very basic, really.
Stossel commendably shines a light on how a competitive, sensationalist media often exaggerates the truth in giving business a bad rap. And instead of letting the free market work, we tend to regulate ourselves to death - creating more costs and problems through legal wrangling than the products and industries we're legislating ever did!
Stossel provides eye-opening example after example of how a few overzealous reporters or bureaucratic missionaries can significantly impair the free market – limiting the freedom that makes a free market possible.
Clear and concise, it's an easy-to-access book that makes for a great weekend read. I highly recommend."
"We've been trained by the media to believe that big business is what's wrong with America. We hear every day new stories of the corporate elite sticking it to the little guy. But what we're forgetting is that free market systems are run by PEOPLE. It's all very basic, really.
Stossel commendably shines a light on how a competitive, sensationalist media often exaggerates the truth in giving business a bad rap. And instead of letting the free market work, we tend to regulate ourselves to death - creating more costs and problems through legal wrangling than the products and industries we're legislating ever did!
Stossel provides eye-opening example after example of how a few overzealous reporters or bureaucratic missionaries can significantly impair the free market – limiting the freedom that makes a free market possible.
Clear and concise, it's an easy-to-access book that makes for a great weekend read. I highly recommend."
WHERE CAN ALL THE COWBOYS GO?
Have you heard about this photo? Apparently, Reuters released it and it's become quite popular. It's an image of George W. Bush's hand scribbling a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in the middle of a Security Council meeting at the 2005 World Summit and 60th General Assembly of the United Nations.
I'm no handwriting expert, but it looks to me like he's asking:
"I think I may need a bathroom break? Is this possible. Wh-"
Is this possible? George...you singlehandedly strongarmed your way into Iraq with utter disregard for practically every other nation on the planet - you can certainly get up and take a leak if you want to. And when you get back, let's finish up the game of hangman we started on the back of the note.
Actually, I've done some case analysis of the text on the page and noticed the interchanging of upper and lower case letters is not wholly gratuitous. I believe there's a pattern. Let's look at just the words/letters he has chosen to capitalize:
I - I NEED A BATH.
It's a secret code! G-Dubs is telling Condo Minelli he's suffering from chronic stinkitosis and requires a hosedown - stat!
[CLICK THE HEADER FOR THE REAL STORY BEHIND THE NOTE]
I'm no handwriting expert, but it looks to me like he's asking:"I think I may need a bathroom break? Is this possible. Wh-"
Is this possible? George...you singlehandedly strongarmed your way into Iraq with utter disregard for practically every other nation on the planet - you can certainly get up and take a leak if you want to. And when you get back, let's finish up the game of hangman we started on the back of the note.
Actually, I've done some case analysis of the text on the page and noticed the interchanging of upper and lower case letters is not wholly gratuitous. I believe there's a pattern. Let's look at just the words/letters he has chosen to capitalize:
I - I NEED A BATH.
It's a secret code! G-Dubs is telling Condo Minelli he's suffering from chronic stinkitosis and requires a hosedown - stat!
[CLICK THE HEADER FOR THE REAL STORY BEHIND THE NOTE]
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
ENGINERDS REJOICE!
Here's a fun game if you're into reading lots of directions and then tinkering with mathematical equations. Actually, I'm into neither and I still managed to waste a good 20 minutes today. Build your own Trebuchet!
http://www.globalspec.com/trebuchet/
http://www.globalspec.com/trebuchet/
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
POLL POSITIONS
A CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll released yesterday illustrates a stark divide in the way black and white Americans view the federal response to Hurricane Katrina.
6 out of 10 black Americans said that the reason the federal government was slow to rescue those stranded in New Orleans was because most of the people stranded there were black. Only 1 in 8 white respondents agreed that race played a factor in the government's tortoise-like response. Instead, just over half the white respondents said they believed bureaucratic inefficiency was the primary failure. In other words, two many idiots with too few ideas. When asked if the rescues were slower because the victims were poor, 63% of black respondents said yes, but only 21% of their white counterparts agreed.
What do YOU think?
Personally, I don’t think the federal government was slow to rescue those stranded BECAUSE they were black. Forgive me, but I just have a hard time believing that the people in charge of emergency rescue efforts consciously collaborated in putting on a very public display of widespread neglect. And I have a hard time believing that, somewhere in Washington, there was a room full of racists debating on how long to let the people wait before finally going in. And I have a hard time believing ex-FEMA Chief Mike Brown was watching reruns of the Simpsons while people were starving. I simply can’t imagine a state-sanctioned indifference to human suffering like that in my America. But then, I'm about as white as white people get.
Plenty of people are certainly at fault for making poor decisions prior to Katrina’s landfall, and for moving slowly after. Think about it - this is the GOVERNMENT we're talking about here. It was out of gross incompetence and inexperience that they were slow to respond - not out of malice or prejudice. These were simple people like you and me in cushy state jobs with great benefits who didn’t know what to do in the face of highly unusual circumstances. (And they're probably not all white, either.)
Correlation does not equal causation. People were stranded and most were black - but were they stranded BECAUSE they were black? Depends who you ask, I guess.
President Bush had this to say regarding the rescue efforts: “The storm didn't discriminate, and neither will we in the recovery effort.” What does he mean storms don’t discriminate? He's from Texas. Isn't he aware of the affinity tornadoes have for trailer parks? Twisters are not equal opportunity natural disasters - they've been unfairly targeting poor white people for years. But now I jest.
Anyhow, if you're looking for an official announcement, Gee-Dubs is expected to give a complete breakdown of the government’s response in a nationally televised prime-time address this Thursday night. But don’t worry – it won’t be until after the premiere of Survivor. Hell yeah.
6 out of 10 black Americans said that the reason the federal government was slow to rescue those stranded in New Orleans was because most of the people stranded there were black. Only 1 in 8 white respondents agreed that race played a factor in the government's tortoise-like response. Instead, just over half the white respondents said they believed bureaucratic inefficiency was the primary failure. In other words, two many idiots with too few ideas. When asked if the rescues were slower because the victims were poor, 63% of black respondents said yes, but only 21% of their white counterparts agreed.
What do YOU think?
Personally, I don’t think the federal government was slow to rescue those stranded BECAUSE they were black. Forgive me, but I just have a hard time believing that the people in charge of emergency rescue efforts consciously collaborated in putting on a very public display of widespread neglect. And I have a hard time believing that, somewhere in Washington, there was a room full of racists debating on how long to let the people wait before finally going in. And I have a hard time believing ex-FEMA Chief Mike Brown was watching reruns of the Simpsons while people were starving. I simply can’t imagine a state-sanctioned indifference to human suffering like that in my America. But then, I'm about as white as white people get.
Plenty of people are certainly at fault for making poor decisions prior to Katrina’s landfall, and for moving slowly after. Think about it - this is the GOVERNMENT we're talking about here. It was out of gross incompetence and inexperience that they were slow to respond - not out of malice or prejudice. These were simple people like you and me in cushy state jobs with great benefits who didn’t know what to do in the face of highly unusual circumstances. (And they're probably not all white, either.)
Correlation does not equal causation. People were stranded and most were black - but were they stranded BECAUSE they were black? Depends who you ask, I guess.
President Bush had this to say regarding the rescue efforts: “The storm didn't discriminate, and neither will we in the recovery effort.” What does he mean storms don’t discriminate? He's from Texas. Isn't he aware of the affinity tornadoes have for trailer parks? Twisters are not equal opportunity natural disasters - they've been unfairly targeting poor white people for years. But now I jest.
Anyhow, if you're looking for an official announcement, Gee-Dubs is expected to give a complete breakdown of the government’s response in a nationally televised prime-time address this Thursday night. But don’t worry – it won’t be until after the premiere of Survivor. Hell yeah.
CAN'T SEE THE FOREST FOR ALL THE TREES (HAVE BEEN CUT DOWN)
There's a lot of wasted paper in this world. Tons. Think of all the paper all around you. It's everywhere - and most of it is future garbage. I was thinking of all of these tons and tons and tons of wasted paper and how much of it is actually very useful, if only for a small time. Like the little sticky note I have affixed to my license plate over the registration sticker to alert the ticket nazis in the neighborhood where I work that my renewal has been submitted and I am awaiting the arrival of a new sticker. I don't want my car to look like this guy's car, which I noticed parked on the same block as mine this morning.
These parking violation notices are an excellent example of people wasting paper. The driver of this vehicle is quite clearly deceased...probably decomposing in the sweltering confines of his own trunk.
Anyhow, I've decided after much consideration that the single greatest preventable waste of paper in modern times is the Credit Card Convenience Check mailing. It arrives roughly every 4 days and tries to get you to access your credit card account with a "special" check - special because it carries a massive transaction fee and is typically processed at the cash advance rate of 19.99%. The terms are so obnoxious I can't help but wonder - who the hell is using these things that it's profitable for these companies to keep mailing them out? Convenience checks are a poor financial decision - worse than taking Nicole Richie to an all-u-can-eat Chinese buffet.
Think about it. You're actually PAYING for the "convenience" of writing out a check. What's the convenience? You write out a check, stuff it into an envelope, put a stamp on it and walk it down to the mailbox. That's exactly what people do everyday with the rest of their bills without paying convenience fees.
When I pay $2 for a Starbucks Frappucino at the Shell "Convenience" Mart, it's because I really NEED caffeine and at 2am and I'll pay a little extra to get it. Now THAT'S convenience.
These parking violation notices are an excellent example of people wasting paper. The driver of this vehicle is quite clearly deceased...probably decomposing in the sweltering confines of his own trunk. 
Anyhow, I've decided after much consideration that the single greatest preventable waste of paper in modern times is the Credit Card Convenience Check mailing. It arrives roughly every 4 days and tries to get you to access your credit card account with a "special" check - special because it carries a massive transaction fee and is typically processed at the cash advance rate of 19.99%. The terms are so obnoxious I can't help but wonder - who the hell is using these things that it's profitable for these companies to keep mailing them out? Convenience checks are a poor financial decision - worse than taking Nicole Richie to an all-u-can-eat Chinese buffet.
Think about it. You're actually PAYING for the "convenience" of writing out a check. What's the convenience? You write out a check, stuff it into an envelope, put a stamp on it and walk it down to the mailbox. That's exactly what people do everyday with the rest of their bills without paying convenience fees.
When I pay $2 for a Starbucks Frappucino at the Shell "Convenience" Mart, it's because I really NEED caffeine and at 2am and I'll pay a little extra to get it. Now THAT'S convenience.
Monday, September 12, 2005
HAVE YOU PINNED MY GUESTMAP YET?
Why not?
Oh - it is??
Oh. Hmmmmm. That sucks. Well have you tried the zoom button? I didn't think so! If you can't place a pin on your location because there are too many people jammed in, you need to hit the zoom button and the map will enlarge to give you a better angle. It'll still be a tight squeeze, and it will require a little finesse on your part to get the cursor close, but you should be able to get in relatively near your home (I just tried it and had no problem at all).
Now you've got no excuse not to try! (And if you still can't jam a pin where you'd like to, try the Ukraine - I happened to notice there's a lot of room over there. :)
As extra incentive for you to pin my guestmap, I've decided that for every pin I will do one shot of tequila on Thanksgiving Day. The more pins you wonderful folks stick in my map, the better story you'll have to read once I've been released from the hospital!
Oh - it is??
Oh. Hmmmmm. That sucks. Well have you tried the zoom button? I didn't think so! If you can't place a pin on your location because there are too many people jammed in, you need to hit the zoom button and the map will enlarge to give you a better angle. It'll still be a tight squeeze, and it will require a little finesse on your part to get the cursor close, but you should be able to get in relatively near your home (I just tried it and had no problem at all).
Now you've got no excuse not to try! (And if you still can't jam a pin where you'd like to, try the Ukraine - I happened to notice there's a lot of room over there. :)
As extra incentive for you to pin my guestmap, I've decided that for every pin I will do one shot of tequila on Thanksgiving Day. The more pins you wonderful folks stick in my map, the better story you'll have to read once I've been released from the hospital!
DRIVE ALOHA
You know what really pisses me off? People ahead of me in the left hand turn lane who don't get their asses out into the intersection when the light turns green. Move your shit already so we can get at least two cars through this bad boy. Who taught these folks how to drive? It's okay to creep forward and turn from the center of the intersection. Really. I promise. Makes me want to blast through their rear bumper when they just sit there waiting for the green to turn to yellow to turn to red before finally making the turn. Hey moron - you're not the only one who's got places to be today. A little courtesy for the rest of us, please.
Speaking of better driving, want to see a television commercial I wrote? Of course you do. You love me. Click on the header, or visit www.drivealoha.com and watch the Drive Aloha television commercial. I wrote it for an auto insurance client a couple of years ago at my previous ad agency. It was filmed in Hawaii, but I didn’t get to go. The owner’s son got to go to “direct” MY spot, but not me. I had nothing against the owner's son (I actually liked the guy), but it was my friggin' spot. It was my concept, my script, and my shot direction. There was no one more qualified to shepherd the visual direction and protect the integrity of the creative concept than I was. Yeah – it’s really not so much of a mystery that I don’t work there anymore.
The Drive Aloha website is also my handiwork. They wanted a page of safe driving tips - so I made some up off the top of my head. I forgot to include inching out into the intersection when you're turning left to limit the development of road rage in fellow motorists.
Speaking of better driving, want to see a television commercial I wrote? Of course you do. You love me. Click on the header, or visit www.drivealoha.com and watch the Drive Aloha television commercial. I wrote it for an auto insurance client a couple of years ago at my previous ad agency. It was filmed in Hawaii, but I didn’t get to go. The owner’s son got to go to “direct” MY spot, but not me. I had nothing against the owner's son (I actually liked the guy), but it was my friggin' spot. It was my concept, my script, and my shot direction. There was no one more qualified to shepherd the visual direction and protect the integrity of the creative concept than I was. Yeah – it’s really not so much of a mystery that I don’t work there anymore.
The Drive Aloha website is also my handiwork. They wanted a page of safe driving tips - so I made some up off the top of my head. I forgot to include inching out into the intersection when you're turning left to limit the development of road rage in fellow motorists.
COME NOW
There's been much debate surrounding which orgasm is better - a man's or a woman's. I've not experienced them both firsthand, so I'm not qualified to provide an informed comparison. But I do suspect men got the raw end of the deal on the pleasure meter. What we're missing in quality, however, we certainly make up for in quantity. Sure, women can have several consecutively - but it usually takes some coaxing to get there (batteries not included). Guys usually don't require a whole lot of coaxing, so our orgasms are a matter of routine. That is most certainly a benefit.
Granted everyone is different, the basic difference is this: Would you rather have multiple, earth-shattering, mind-blowing, leg-numbing orgasms every once in a while or one quick pleasure burst pretty much any time you want? Unfortunately, you don't get to pick.
But, as fortune would have it, our good friend Peter was kind enough to send along a link that will let you experience both orgasms! Click the header and give yourself a little love. Then - after you've experienced BOTH - come back and vote for your favorite!
Granted everyone is different, the basic difference is this: Would you rather have multiple, earth-shattering, mind-blowing, leg-numbing orgasms every once in a while or one quick pleasure burst pretty much any time you want? Unfortunately, you don't get to pick.
But, as fortune would have it, our good friend Peter was kind enough to send along a link that will let you experience both orgasms! Click the header and give yourself a little love. Then - after you've experienced BOTH - come back and vote for your favorite!
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