THE PEOPLE NEED ANSWERS (AND I AM HERE FOR THEM)

So I found an addictive new time-waster and I can't get enough of it. No, I'm not talking about masturbation. (I consider that time well spent, actually).

It’s called Yahoo Answers and it's a growing community of people asking and answering questions.

The lure is that there’s an addictive points system that keeps track of how helpful you are. I’ve been answering relationship questions all morning long, racking up the points. The goal is provide the best answer to the question, as judged by the person who asked it. It’s not a whole lot unlike the game Apples to Apples – only these are real people looking for real answers.

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about. Someone asked the question this morning whether there was such a thing as “love at first sight.”

AYNtK replied:

**************

Love at first sight, while romantic, is not possible. You can be attracted to someone - their looks, charisma, personality, power, etc. - but you can't know you are in love with them in the way you know you love someone you have come to appreciate on a much deeper level.

That said, you CAN fall in love with someone you were attracted to upon first glance. But that's not technically love at first sight - that's luck. Love almost always starts with an attraction of some kind because it is an easy way to evaluate your interest in another person. Love is a much more complicated feeling that is devalued every time we suggest it can be achieved with a glance.

Of course, what do I know? I accidentally peed in my eye this morning.

*************

If you think you can do better, Yahoo invites you to try.

And so do I. And not just because I own stock in the company. It really IS fun.

BLOWING STUFF UP

Go ahead and click the post, Sally.

PEER PRESSURE

I don’t know exactly how to say this, so I’m just going to say it.

I peed in my eye this morning.

Yes, really. Okay – give me a second and I will explain. I’d just completed a less-than-satisfying strain atop the commode here at work and reached down to grab the garments hugging my ankles. As I rose from the pot, I pulled my boxers and jeans toward my waist. In doing so, the waistband of the boxers snagged my fleshy acorn on the ride up, causing it to snap back and slap my lower belly. This sudden motion freed a drop of urine that had been clinging to the inside of my urethra and sent it shooting like a liquid comet into my eyeball. I winced suddenly and rubbed my eye in disgust, cursing the misfortune of managing such an unlikely feat. In a thousand tries, I could not duplicate that perfectly orchestrated event. The odds against such a spectacular act ever occurring in the first place were so slim I knew I would have to share it with you – even if it meant admitting that I peed in my eye.

So there you have it.

OOOH...ME SO THORNY!

Here’s a little something you may have seen before. It’s a brainteaser called Petals Around the Rose. I thought I would remember the answer, but repeat encounters with Guinness have apparently dimmed my problem-solving skills. Took me 4 guesses to seize the pattern and declare victory.

TEST EASE

A defiant North Korea has threatened to test more missiles today in the wake of global condemnation over Tuesday’s launch of seven ballistic weapons. An anonymous source at the Pentagon said more tests were actually a good thing.

“I don’t know why everyone’s so up in arms over this testing stuff. Practically speaking, the more rockets they test, the less rockets they’ll have left in their arsenal. Our strategy all along has been to bait them on with tough talk so that they blow their entire load into the Sea of Japan. Seems to be working rather well, wouldn’t you say?”

THE WELL-HUNG BEER GARDENS OF BABYLON

Some friends and I decided to check out the patio at NoMi for drinks on Saturday evening, listed as one of Chicago’s finest outdoor adult beverage consumption destinations.

We arrived at around 7:30 and were fortunate enough to be seated at the last available table. The temperature was comfortably warm, with a gusty summer breeze that made for some really interesting hair. The patio itself was only seven stories up, but high enough you definitely felt like you were on top of things. We were surrounded by many other, far taller buildings and removed enough from surface streets that the only sounds from below were your occasional ambulance siren or fire engine. It was pleasantly peaceful - an oasis in the sky - and an ideal nesting place for an evening of mellow fun in one of the Gold Coast's finest steel trees.

As the sun began to dip lower in the west behind a bank of high rises, we agreed that the atmosphere was hard to beat for a beautiful summer evening – and almost worth the price of drinks there. $12 mixed beverages. $13 martinis. $7 imported bottles. We realized quickly that our drinking locale came with an environmental surcharge. I did a little spot math and figured the cost of the atmosphere to be roughly $30 per 6-pack, or close to $5 a Guinness. We could sit and drink all night in the lap of luxury - but we were going to pay for it.

Shortly after 8pm, and mid-way through my second pint of the black stuff, my eyes caught something in the Peninsula Hotel directly across the street – which is the #1 rated hotel in the U.S., according to Zagat’s. My friend noticed that I was fixed on the view and asked what I was staring at.

“I don’t know," I said. "It looks like two kids keep touching that window on the top floor up there for some reason.”

I motioned in the direction of the Peninsula and everyone at the table glanced up. We all then immediately made the same discovery. I had not been looking at a pair of curious kids touching their room window. I had been studying the back of a woman having sex for all the world to see. Or, at least that corner of the world where Chicago Avenue meets Rush Street.

I say “woman having sex” for two reasons: Her partner could not be immediately identified from our POV, and presuming there was someone else involved, she was definitely the one having the sex.

She was tall and slender with long dark brown hair and a deep tan. We noticed that her arms were bent straight back behind her body, both hands pressing hard against the glass window as she writhed and bucked enthusiastically – all in plain view of a nearby beer garden with a seating capacity of close to 75. I heard the sound of iron chairs turning on brick as the exhibition continued. We laughed aloud, unable to take our eyes off the show. This went on for several minutes before Captain Viagra revealed himself, lifting his sun goddess from the window and spinning around, her knees bent flexibly atop his shoulders as they whirled out of sight. Despite the collective hope of a patio full of eager onlookers, there was no encore.

While overpriced and understaffed, I highly recommend NoMi's outdoor patio at the Park Hyatt Hotel in Chicago for a few stiff drinks and an early evening experience second only to the penthouse suite at the Peninsula.

Bottoms up!

FROM N. KOREA WITH LOATHE

North Korea is back on the International Pain-in-the-Ass radar again after firing off a few fireworks on the 4th of July. The country's long-range missile test launch has drawn worldwide scorn despite proving, in pyrotechnic terms, a series of duds.

It is believed that North Korean leader, the real Kim Shady, planned the tests to coinicide with America's Independence Day for maximum impact. The goal of the test was to demonstrate a military might some believe could threaten the U.S. mainland someday given some technological refinements. While this round of missiles dove into the Sea of Japan like a Flock of Seagulls, dropping off the radar faster than Ashleigh Simpson, experts say they are just a few years away from being taken seriously.

As a result, Californians are being told they can lively safely under normal watches for earthquakes, mudslides, brushfires, smog alerts, and power failures for another 5 to 7 years before "incoming missiles from rogue dictatorships" will be added to the Impending Widespread Hardship and/or Disaster list.

GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD

It was reported this morning that Enron founder Ken Lay died in Aspen, Colorado. He was awaiting sentencing after being found guilty of conspiracy and fraud. According to a spokesperson for the family, he collapsed suddenly and died of a heart attack. Medical experts are skeptical, however, pointing out that heart attacks are uncommon in people who do not have hearts.

The Tin Man's journey ends here.