Friday, June 16, 2006


Can I get a witness? Come on now. Testify, my brother!

Thursday, June 15, 2006


I am such a food slut and I can't help it. I just made an awesome sandwich that I simply must tell you about.

I had no idea what I was going to make for dinner tonight, so I decided to clean out some of the shit in my fridge that was borderline expired. I started by frying up a tube of Jimmy Dean spicy sausage patties. Yes, the whole thing. Once the seal is broken, I figure it's better to cook the whole damn thing than to wrap it up in plastic and send it to the back of my fridge to decompose over the next 14 months - which is the average tenure of anything wrapped in plastic in my fridge. But I digress...

After the patties were cooked down, I whipped the last three eggs from an old carton in a plastic bowl, added a little milk to fluff, and beat 'em down like the U.S. soccer team. I then scrambled them together in the grease from the sausage patties, which had not time to cool. As the egg began to coat the pan, I chased it about with a spatula keeping it all in the center. While this was going on, I had an idea.

I had just purchased a new product by Thomas English Muffins. It was a plastic bag of something called bagel bread. Each bag comes with six square bagels sliced in the middle for use as buns. I'd bought the Everything bagel variety complete with sesame, poppy, onion, garlic, and a host of other seeds I am certain will not digest efficiently.

I pulled a bagel bun out of the bag and toasted it up. As the eggs neared completion I began pushing them together to form a square to neatly match the bread. I then crumbled some of the spicy sausage on top and draped a piece of swiss cheese like a cholesterol blanket over the entire thing.

When the toaster popped, I scooped the egg out of the pan with one swift spatula stroke and perched the egg, sausage, and cheese atop the bottom of the everything bagel bun. I then fitted the top of the bun squarely upon the cheese and pressed down firmly until the it began to melt down around the sides of the egg.

I gave it a minute to cool, then pulled a knife out from the drawer and sliced it down the middle. It was perfect. Crispy bagel bread, 3 light and fluffy eggs, bites of spicy sausage, and dripping with melted swiss. I was in heaven. Still am, if you must know.

And when that was done I busted open a bag of Habanero Doritos and went to town.

Food kicks ass.


George W. Bush's approval rating actually did something rare this week - it went UP.

Political analysts say it was the result of a week positive headlines - which included the capture of a slippery terrorista by the name of Al-Zarqawi.

The small jump in Bush's approval also happened to occur just days after the President paid a surprise visit to troops in Iraq - a strong indication that Americans like Bush more when he is out of the country. In fact, the further away he goes, it appears the higher the spike in his approval. It is no wonder, then, that as he trudged about in the mess his administration made in the Middle East, his approval ratings were hiking upward.

Some have speculated that Bush could enjoy much higher approval ratings if only he decided to stay there.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


Here's a little something to help you celebrate hump day. A very little something.

Feel free to submit your own captions below...

- The impossible dream

- Carlito has his way

- The little Chihuahua that could

- Dubya meets Freedom

- “Lapdog? I’ve always been more of an ass dog.”

- Yo quiero fucko belle

- Please be gentle

- Horace patiently waits his turn

- I like big butts and I cannot lie

- Just do it


There was a time when I had some less than kind words for Al Gore.

The year was 2000. I was still running for my health and he was running for President. I remember there being something I just didn’t like about the guy. He seemed arrogant when he spoke – and came off as condescending at times. There was little question Gore was a smart guy, but he was also a self-aggrandizing know-it-all…and nobody likes a know-it-all. His whole persona rubbed me the wrong way, so much so that I helped send the village idiot to Washington instead. Given his totalitarian "my way or the highway" style of rule, I would not be surprised if Bush tried to force through an end to term limits before all is said and done. AFTER he's through stamping out the torch of liberty, of course. But that's a fear for another day.

Back to reminiscing 2000.

Like nearly half of the people who voted for a President that year, I decided to hire the guy I liked better instead of the guy who was more qualified. It goes on every day all across the country and it’s considered bad for business. Every successful manager knows the secret to success is hiring people smarter than you (and paying them less than they're worth).

In hindsight, I recognize that my judgment in 2000 was poor and I admit I made a mistake – and not a small one. It was a mistake a single vote for John Kerry in 2004 could not fix. A mistake that gets bigger by the day. A mistake more and more once-proud Americans are coming to realize we must remedy, and the sooner the better.

This is all prelude to something far more important than the ruinous course of American policymaking in the new century.


I saw Al Gore’s movie on global warming “An Inconvenient Truth” over the weekend.

Yes, willingly. It was actually my idea, believe it or not. I was curious to see what Al-G (pronounced "algae") has been up to since the Supreme Court’s ruling in favor of G.W. Bush 6 long years ago. I was also hungry for really big words, and I knew Al Gore could not disappoint.

An Inconvenient Truth, as you may have heard, is an hour and forty minutes of Al Gore giving a PowerPoint presentation on the sorry state of the environment. I knew this walking into the theater, but was hung over and figured a nice long nap in a cool, dark theater would do me some good. An hour and forty-five minutes later I left feeling refreshed and energized – that was certain – only I hadn’t slept a wink.

To say I was impressed with the effort would not do justice the sense of awe I felt downloading fact after nauseating fact on global warming. Gore has a real talent for making a point. It's a gift I believe he's had all along, but didn't open until after his run for the White House.

Algae recognizes the obstacles that stand in the way of progress on this issue, and one by one he deconstructs them, offering hard scientific proof as support. Looking around the crowded theater I could actually see light bulbs going on. People were getting it. This wasn’t some rogue environmental zealot hammering home a message of doom and gloom. It was a practical man with a distinguished history of public service passionately invested in the future of our planet, trying to create a little urgency for REAL problems at a time when there has been virtually none.

Whether you voted for Al Gore in 2000 or reveled at his “Supreme” misfortune as I did, you owe it to yourself to see this film. It is, in my less than humble opinion, a documentary that should be required viewing for every American. It is accessible. It is informative. It is eye-opening. Further, it is something Al Gore was definitely not in 2000 – it is inspiring.

I was actually so moved by his message I left wanting to drag everyone I knew back with me. I would pay for them to see it, I thought. That would be my contribution to the cause – information. It all starts with information, after all, and right now there are mixed messages in the media that would have the masses believe we just don’t know enough to be certain global warming is real, or that we are the cause of it. But the scientific fact of the matter is that global warming is most certainly real, it is happening at a pace so rapid it is beginning to affect us NOW, in our lifetimes, and human activity is without question the primary cause of it. Most importantly, we have reached the tipping point much faster than we ever thought we would.

Over the past ten years there have been a total of 928 peer-reviewed articles on global warming. Can you guess what percentage of these articles expressed doubt as to the cause of global warming? Humor me.

A. 66%
B. 50%
C. 43%
D. 25%
E. 18%

The media has been complicit in our collective ignorance with regard to this issue, perpetuating a culture of agnostic science – "we just don’t know for sure, so let’s be careful not to say one way or the other." The truth is, we DO know for sure. Of the total of 928 peer-reviewed articles on global warming over the past decade, 0% of them expressed any doubt as to the cause of global warming. Zero fucking percent. All 928 peer-reviewed articles on the subject agreed that we are soiling our own pants here. Consensus is unanimous!

According to the politicians and the media, there is widespread speculation and scientific uncertainty as to the exact causes. According to the scientific community, however, the cause of global warming is not subject to debate. Who are you going to believe, the Senator whose reelection depends on campaign contributions from Exxon-Mobil, or the ecologist next door who’s seen species loss skyrocket in just the last ten years? There’s more than one canary in this coal mine.

The point to the film? Acting now is critical to the survival of our species. Many will be quick dismiss the idea of spending their precious time and hard-earned money on an environmental lecture by one of the most long-winded know-it-alls of our time. I went in a little skeptical myself. I suggest wiping your slate clean and giving it a go - I think you will be surprised. It is not a two-hour commercial for the Democratic Party, nor is it a fundraising infomercial for Greenpeace. It stays above politics in presenting only what we know by virtue of science – and the conclusions from what we know are all too clear.


My sister turned to me half way through the film and whispered, “I get the feeling this isn’t going to have a happy ending.” Sure it will, I whispered back. Everyone who sees it will get pissed off enough to do something about this bullshit and we’ll reverse course. Let the information be our inspiration.

People actually clapped when it ended (and not BECAUSE it ended, like at the end of anything starring Madonna). Next time you’re thinking about taking in a movie, consider foregoing the standard Hollywood fare and exercise your mind a little. I highly recommend An Inconvenient Truth.

If you’re curious to learn more about this flick, you can read about it here.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006


My friend Ed is a real swinger, as evidenced by the impressive total he managed playing that addictive Flash game I linked in my Pendulonium post.

He dares you to beat him and doubts you can.

Sunday, June 11, 2006


Have you ever had one of those life-changing moments when you realized that you were headed down the wrong path and really needed to make some changes?

For me, that moment came a short while back when I woke up really, really hungover, accidentally swallowed a capful of Listerine, and discovered that the cat had taken a sizable crap in my Zen garden. Actually, that wasn't the exact moment. The exact moment came about twelve seconds later when I crawled back into bed, closed my eyes to rest, and remembered that I don't have a cat.