THE (ACTUALLY) NAKED CHEF

I am such a food slut and I can't help it. I just made an awesome sandwich that I simply must tell you about.

I had no idea what I was going to make for dinner tonight, so I decided to clean out some of the shit in my fridge that was borderline expired. I started by frying up a tube of Jimmy Dean spicy sausage patties. Yes, the whole thing. Once the seal is broken, I figure it's better to cook the whole damn thing than to wrap it up in plastic and send it to the back of my fridge to decompose over the next 14 months - which is the average tenure of anything wrapped in plastic in my fridge. But I digress...

After the patties were cooked down, I whipped the last three eggs from an old carton in a plastic bowl, added a little milk to fluff, and beat 'em down like the U.S. soccer team. I then scrambled them together in the grease from the sausage patties, which had not time to cool. As the egg began to coat the pan, I chased it about with a spatula keeping it all in the center. While this was going on, I had an idea.

I had just purchased a new product by Thomas English Muffins. It was a plastic bag of something called bagel bread. Each bag comes with six square bagels sliced in the middle for use as buns. I'd bought the Everything bagel variety complete with sesame, poppy, onion, garlic, and a host of other seeds I am certain will not digest efficiently.

I pulled a bagel bun out of the bag and toasted it up. As the eggs neared completion I began pushing them together to form a square to neatly match the bread. I then crumbled some of the spicy sausage on top and draped a piece of swiss cheese like a cholesterol blanket over the entire thing.

When the toaster popped, I scooped the egg out of the pan with one swift spatula stroke and perched the egg, sausage, and cheese atop the bottom of the everything bagel bun. I then fitted the top of the bun squarely upon the cheese and pressed down firmly until the it began to melt down around the sides of the egg.

I gave it a minute to cool, then pulled a knife out from the drawer and sliced it down the middle. It was perfect. Crispy bagel bread, 3 light and fluffy eggs, bites of spicy sausage, and dripping with melted swiss. I was in heaven. Still am, if you must know.

And when that was done I busted open a bag of Habanero Doritos and went to town.

Food kicks ass.