SPAM ARTISTS

I recently saw a nightly news program segment warning people against the many internet scams coming out of countries in Africa, where scam artists with only a rough grasp of the English language are somehow talking “greedy” Americans into sharing their person banking information. Most of these scam e-mails are likely snagged by your e-mail program's SPAM filter and tossed into your junk/bulk folder next to reminders to read AYNtK, so you may have never seen one firsthand.

I have - and they're hysterical. It's really a wonder anyone would respond at all given how poorly they're written. But according to the news source, these scam operations are big business overseas where enterprising young Nigerians pack cybercafes day and night attempting to hoodwink naive Americans.

I received one such scam e-mail earlier this week, and in the interest of research, responded. You'll be interested to know that I have been communicating with an internet bandit who goes by the name of Bawa for two days now. I have saved the entire communication stream for your amusement. When our dialogue concludes, I will post it in full all to enjoy.

Big fun!

SAY IT ISN'T SULU

George Takei, the actor who steered the Starship Enterprise over three television seasons and six hit movies as Sulu, came out as a homosexual this week. Funny how some news isn't really news at all.


Warp speed ahead, Sulu. You go, girl!

OILING POINT

Exxon Mobil Corp. and Shell posted their best quarterly results ever today, with Exxon becoming the first U.S. company ever to boast quarterly sales of $100 billion.

And here I thought the war in Iraq, an OPEC supply blockade, and a trifecta of devastating hurricanes were to blame for soaring prices at the pump. Here I thought THESE were the reasons I've been paying $3.00 a gallon for gas. Yet today I read this bullshit. I feel like I've got one of those gas pump nozzles broken off in my ass.

Laugh it up, fuckwad.

Would any jury of my peers convict me for strangling the assholes who’ve been raping our wallets? Or is it just a coincidence that while we’re paying record prices for gas, the big oil companies are turning record profits? What the motherfuck is going on?


You know...if they’d just point to the free market as the reason prices have escalated, I could respect that. But all we ever hear on the news is how escalating gas prices are due to everything else under the sun. The White Sox win the World Series – gas prices expected to climb. Gas prices rise with the sale of Halloween candy. Small grease fire in the kitchen of a house in suburban Baltimore sends gas prices soaring. How about this - oil companies raise gas prices yet again in a bid to post their best quarterly results ever. I wouldn't like it, but I could respect it. They're robbing Peter to pay themselves and telling Paul there's nothing they can do about it. It's bullshit.

I see tomorrow's headline now: Man in Chicago has a hard time swallowing the truth, dies choking on it – gas inches higher.

WHY I AM A CUBS FAN

EXHIBIT A


I can't even imagine what went on in that locker room. World champions? No thanks. I think I'll stick with my lovable losers. And the bandwagon played on...

SLOW AND STEADY

Okay, so some days I do more than others. Today, in between banging my forehead against my keyboard and picking coffee grounds out of my teeth, I stumbled upon this fun maze game where you have to trace your way along a path using your mouse. It starts out pretty easy, but gets hard quick. I couldn’t get past round 4.

Oh yeah? See if you can do any better, hot shot. You're such an ass!

CATCH OF THE DAY

I love this one. A man fleeing from the Chicago police tried to get away by jumping into Lake Michigan. He must have figured the officers wouldn’t follow him in. And he was right – they didn’t follow him. They simply waited on shore until he got so cold he had to come out of the water. According to authorities, officers responded to a call of a possible carjacking and pursued a suspect to the lakefront. The chase ended when the suspect dove into the lake. Police on the shore and aboard a Marine Unit boat kept an eye on him as he waded through the water. A short time later, after getting tired and cold, the suspect returned to land where he was apprehended.

ICE-A-HOLICS

Here’s a little something you can do to pass the time.

SICK DAYS

I know, I know – you’re wondering where the hell I’ve been. Well, since you must know, I’ve been under the weather all week. I don’t know exactly what that expression is supposed to mean, as it would seem to me we’re all “under” the weather all the time, but people like to use it in place of things like:

“I’ve been vomiting more regularly than Lindsay Lohan.”

“I’ve been drowning in sinus discharge.”

“I’ve been trying to expel my lungs through my esophagus.”


Anyhow, I feel much better today. Except I’m a little constipated.