Thanks to cindy and steve, my windy city neighbors:
Terry,
Thought you might this:
POTATO LAUNCHER
He can shoot a potato farther than 500 feet. Hey, it's something to do at a pig roast!
************
Believe it or not, my good friend Dr. Faber actually had one of these bad boys and I saw it in action a couple years ago on our annual camping trip. It's as fun as it is dangerous!
Friday, November 04, 2005
Thursday, November 03, 2005
THE CASE OF THE STICKY BUNS
When the urge to take a monster dump struck Bob Dougherty, 57, in the middle of his trip to Home Depot, he couldn’t have imagined it would go down like this.
Bob hastily stepped into the bathroom of his Home Depot in Boulder, Colorado, expecting your average everyday defacatory experience. What he got instead was stuck to the toilet seat. That’s because some ingenious prankster thought it would be a good idea to line the seat with superglue. [Warning: Do not try this at home]
According to the lawsuit filed last Friday, Bob, who was recovering from heart bypass surgery at the time, thought he was having a heart attack when he couldn’t lift himself off the pot. He immediately started calling for help but no one came to his rescue. Would YOU respond to pleas from a man in a restroom at a Home Depot claiming to be stuck to a toilet seat? Really? You would? Me too.
Anyhow, a store employee heard him calling and informed the head clerk by radio, but the head clerk believed it was a hoax. Bob spent 15 minutes on the throne before the paramedics were finally called in. The seat had to be unbolted from the porcelain commode and Bob had to be wheeled out of the store with it firmly fastened to his backside. The seat was later removed, leaving abrasions on his arse. Sounds like an episode of Nip/Tuck to me.
Bob said he doesn’t blame Home Depot, but he IS upset he was left sitting in the bathroom for 15 minutes while calling for help, hence the lawsuit.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bob was the victim of a criminal act. There’s no doubt about it. He went through a lot of pain, discomfort, and humiliation that day. But, unfortunately, not all criminals get caught. We can’t just go around awarding damages to victims because we feel bad for them. Home Depot was not to blame here, nor were its employees. The assmuncher who cemented Bob’s cheeks to the seat is the guilty party. He’s the fucknut we really need to get our hands on. Punishing Home Depot by awarding compensation to Bob for a sticky bun incident wouldn’t be an act of justice. Is Home Depot expected to hire bathroom monitors at all of its store locations to prevent future such incidents? Is McDonald’s for that matter? Or Starbucks? The fact is, you can’t prevent idiot pranksters from performing random acts of havoc like this. Sometimes you can catch them and prosecute them. But when you don’t catch them, you don’t pass the blame to the next person in line. I feel for Bob – I really do. But my decision is for the defendant. Case dismissed.
Bob hastily stepped into the bathroom of his Home Depot in Boulder, Colorado, expecting your average everyday defacatory experience. What he got instead was stuck to the toilet seat. That’s because some ingenious prankster thought it would be a good idea to line the seat with superglue. [Warning: Do not try this at home]
According to the lawsuit filed last Friday, Bob, who was recovering from heart bypass surgery at the time, thought he was having a heart attack when he couldn’t lift himself off the pot. He immediately started calling for help but no one came to his rescue. Would YOU respond to pleas from a man in a restroom at a Home Depot claiming to be stuck to a toilet seat? Really? You would? Me too.
Anyhow, a store employee heard him calling and informed the head clerk by radio, but the head clerk believed it was a hoax. Bob spent 15 minutes on the throne before the paramedics were finally called in. The seat had to be unbolted from the porcelain commode and Bob had to be wheeled out of the store with it firmly fastened to his backside. The seat was later removed, leaving abrasions on his arse. Sounds like an episode of Nip/Tuck to me.
Bob said he doesn’t blame Home Depot, but he IS upset he was left sitting in the bathroom for 15 minutes while calling for help, hence the lawsuit.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bob was the victim of a criminal act. There’s no doubt about it. He went through a lot of pain, discomfort, and humiliation that day. But, unfortunately, not all criminals get caught. We can’t just go around awarding damages to victims because we feel bad for them. Home Depot was not to blame here, nor were its employees. The assmuncher who cemented Bob’s cheeks to the seat is the guilty party. He’s the fucknut we really need to get our hands on. Punishing Home Depot by awarding compensation to Bob for a sticky bun incident wouldn’t be an act of justice. Is Home Depot expected to hire bathroom monitors at all of its store locations to prevent future such incidents? Is McDonald’s for that matter? Or Starbucks? The fact is, you can’t prevent idiot pranksters from performing random acts of havoc like this. Sometimes you can catch them and prosecute them. But when you don’t catch them, you don’t pass the blame to the next person in line. I feel for Bob – I really do. But my decision is for the defendant. Case dismissed.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
HALLOWEEN DREAMS
Geri and I only had a few minutes to throw together our Halloween costumes this year before trick or treating for drinks, so this is the best we could come up with.
With scissors and glue, we manufactured our own Chicago Cubs World Champion shirts. Surprisingly, our "costumes" ended up being a hit. People liked them because they were original and conceptual: Geri was "in denial" and I was "dreaming." WE liked them because they cost $10 and took 10 minutes to make. Plus, we got to deface a perfectly good White Sox t-shirt in the process.
Oh yeah...and I also got to wear my pajama bottoms to the bar. You really ought to try that some time - it's a whole different world out there when you're in your PJs.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
UNFAIR AND OFF BALANCE
A few years ago I discovered something called the Fox News Channel. I was immediately drawn to its colorful, sensational presentation, and soon found I was preferring it to the comparably uninspired approach of other news networks. Fox had character…and I liked that.
The flashy Fox formula was soon duplicated by MSNBC and CNN, but there was still something I found appealing about Fox. It just seemed easier to digest somehow. My tastes have since changed, however, after having taken a closer look at how they cook their "news."
It didn’t dawn on me for quite some time that if you have to keep telling people you’re “fair and balanced,” chances are you’re probably not. Yet they drilled that message home over and over again, every chance they got, and with pleasant authority like a hypnotist telling me to relax. And every morning I’d watch the talking heads on Fox spew forth commentary disguised as news. I’d listen to carefully selected experts cite suspect and often refutable statistics in defense of their points of view. I’d see guests offering alternative perspectives berated and belittled in a hostile public forum. I actually started resenting the very news presentation I’d come to prefer.
I began to note how, behind all the fancy graphics and quick-hit breaking news alerts, there was an unmistakable undercurrent that pulled strongly right. I actually found myself laughing aloud at the ludicrous opinions offered up as articles of rational thought. These people are insane, I’d think, if they honestly believe some of the things coming out of their mouths. The Fox News Channel was about as fair and balanced as 24 hours of Tucker Carlson debating with a stuffed bear (an argument I’m not so sure he’d win, incidentally). More frightening than that was the fact that people actually watched this shit. And I was one of those people!
Morning and night, the Fox News Channel beat down its cable news competitors. And people loved the one-sided approach to news for the same reason they tuned in to hear Rush Limbaugh vomit diarrhea into a microphone every afternoon – because when you tell people how to think, they don’t have to think for themselves. And the presentation of opinion as fact is a clever means of telling people how to think without telling them you’re telling them how to think. Further, they actually think they’re thinking for themselves! Not only that, but then these brainwashed disciples go out into the world and spread a gospel of nonsense like fertilizer on artificial turf – making a big, stinkin’ counterproductive mess.
I don’t know where to get my news these days. All the cable news networks seem to have gone sensationalist on me. I guess that’s why I take such pleasure in making up my own news, not unlike the wizard who put together this entertaining collection of faux Fox News Channel reports .
Good shit, y'all.
The flashy Fox formula was soon duplicated by MSNBC and CNN, but there was still something I found appealing about Fox. It just seemed easier to digest somehow. My tastes have since changed, however, after having taken a closer look at how they cook their "news."
It didn’t dawn on me for quite some time that if you have to keep telling people you’re “fair and balanced,” chances are you’re probably not. Yet they drilled that message home over and over again, every chance they got, and with pleasant authority like a hypnotist telling me to relax. And every morning I’d watch the talking heads on Fox spew forth commentary disguised as news. I’d listen to carefully selected experts cite suspect and often refutable statistics in defense of their points of view. I’d see guests offering alternative perspectives berated and belittled in a hostile public forum. I actually started resenting the very news presentation I’d come to prefer.
I began to note how, behind all the fancy graphics and quick-hit breaking news alerts, there was an unmistakable undercurrent that pulled strongly right. I actually found myself laughing aloud at the ludicrous opinions offered up as articles of rational thought. These people are insane, I’d think, if they honestly believe some of the things coming out of their mouths. The Fox News Channel was about as fair and balanced as 24 hours of Tucker Carlson debating with a stuffed bear (an argument I’m not so sure he’d win, incidentally). More frightening than that was the fact that people actually watched this shit. And I was one of those people!
Morning and night, the Fox News Channel beat down its cable news competitors. And people loved the one-sided approach to news for the same reason they tuned in to hear Rush Limbaugh vomit diarrhea into a microphone every afternoon – because when you tell people how to think, they don’t have to think for themselves. And the presentation of opinion as fact is a clever means of telling people how to think without telling them you’re telling them how to think. Further, they actually think they’re thinking for themselves! Not only that, but then these brainwashed disciples go out into the world and spread a gospel of nonsense like fertilizer on artificial turf – making a big, stinkin’ counterproductive mess.
I don’t know where to get my news these days. All the cable news networks seem to have gone sensationalist on me. I guess that’s why I take such pleasure in making up my own news, not unlike the wizard who put together this entertaining collection of faux Fox News Channel reports .
Good shit, y'all.
Monday, October 31, 2005
QUICK QUESTION
Does anyone know offhand if it is illegal to mail soiled toilet paper? I'm writing a letter to the CEO of Exxon Mobil and I need to know whether to include a return address.
DUNKIN' DONUTS WITH SHAKA BAWA
The set-up:
I recently saw a nightly news program segment warning people against the many Internet scams coming out of Nigeria, where scam artists with only a rough grasp of the English language are somehow talking “greedy” Americans into sharing their person banking information.
After receiving one such scam e-mail, I decided to have a little fun with the bandit on the other end. What follows is the complete, unedited conversation I had with an enterprising gentleman named Shaka Bawa.
****************The Original Scam E-mail*****************
FOR YOUR KIND ATTENTION.
COULD YOU PLEASE CONSIDER TO HELP ME TO RELOCATE THIS SUM OF TEN MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS(US$10.5m) TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR ESTABLISHING A MEDIUM SIZE INDUSTRY IN YOUR COUNTRY.
THE SAID 10.5 MILLION DOLLARS WAS DEPOSITED IN OUR SECURITY COMPANY BY MR.ANDREAS SCHRANNER,A GERMAN CITIZEN WHO DIED IN A PLANE CRASH IN 2000.WE HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT HIS IMMEDIATE FAMILY TO COME FORWARD FOR CLAIMS BUT COULD NOT SUCCEED.WE DISCORVERED THAT THE LATE GERMAN DIED ALONG SIDE WITH HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN WHO SUPPOSED TO BE HIS NEXT OF KIN.
CLICK HERE(http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm)
I WILL GIVE YOU ALL VITAL INFORMATION CONCERNING THE GERMAN AND THE 10.5 MILLION DOLLARS IN OUR CUSTODY SO THAT YOU WILL CONTACT OUR COMPANY FOR THEM TO RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU.YOU CAN COME HERE IN PERSON OR YOU CAN REQUEST THE COMPANY TO SHIP THE FUNDS TO YOU IN YOUR COUNTRY DIPLOMATICALY.
I AM A MANAGER IN THIS COMPANY,I WILL PLAY A ROLE TO MAKE SURE THAT THE 10.5 MILLION DOLLARS IS RELEASED TO YOU.AS SOON AS I RECIEVE YOUR REPLY,I WILL GIVE YOU A DRAFT APPLICATION WHICH YOU WILL FORWARD TO OUR COMPANY.REPLY AND LET ME KNOW YOUR FULL NAME,AGE,ADDRESS,OCCUPATION,YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS IF AVALIABLE.
I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.
MR.BAWA.
****************My Initial Response*****************
Mr. Bawa,
Please help me understand what you would like for me to do. I do not understand your request.
Thomas Mann
****************Shaka Bawa's Response*****************
Dear Thomas Mann,
It is my pleasure to reply the mail which you send to me.thank you for your kind interest to help me.
my assurance to you is that i am a manager in this company.i am responsible to review any application concerning this claim and give recommendations to the company to release the fund to the person.meaning that your application is coming directly to my department and i will give you all the information about the late customer which the company will require from you as proof that you know the late customer.
i am contacting you for this business considering the fact that you are a foreigner.the deceased person is also a foreigner,the company where i work will consider a foreign application.
what i want you to do now is to apply as a business associate to the late customer and request the company to release the funds and ship to you in your destination or any nearby destination.i will draft the application for you and you will fill it and send to the company through the company email address which i will provide.i will send the draft application to you as soon as you reply this mail.
The company will ask you some questions concerning the late customer to know if you can give correct information about the late customer.you will forward the questions to me and i will give you the correct answers for you to give to the company for approval.
as soon as you recieve the 10.5 million dollars,both of us will discuss on how to build an ultra model clinic in your country or anywhere else.or we may choose to invest the money in any other lucrative business.be assured i am 100% behind the success of this business.always follow my instructions.
thank you for your understanding.my tel.number is +226 78 86 76 47.give me a call.i want to hear your voice.get back to me as soon as posible.my kind regards.
Bawa.
****************My Eager Reply*****************
Thank you, Bawa, for your response. I am eager to assist you with regard to this opportunity. I cannot call you, however, as I am at work and the number you have provided is not toll-free. But if you will send the draft application, I will be most happy to provide the information necessary to complete the transaction.
I have another question. Will I be able to use the money to start my own Dunkin Donuts franchise here in my home town? We love donuts here and do not currently have a place that makes them fresh daily. Dunkin Donuts also has 9 flavors of coffee now and my wife thinks that a Dunkin Donuts on Beech Street would make a lot of money. Do you think this is possible or do we have to use it all to build an “ultra model clinic”? Because if this is the case, I will need you to explain to me what an ultra model clinic is. Does it involve flash photography? I take very good pictures, if so.
Okay, then. Thanks for your response. I look forward to receiving the draft application and your answers.
Thomas Mann
****************Shaka Bawa's Courteous Response*****************
Dear Thomas Mann,
i thank you so much for your prompt responds to my mail. i am writing to answer the few questions that you ask in regards to the business at hand.
your idea in the Dunkin Donuts franchise is duely wellcomed. we can not invest all the money in the hospital project. i only suggested the hospital project, it does not mean that we must build a hospital.
you knows your country more than i do, you are in the best position to know what nature of investment that can be lucrative there in your country.
in my opinion,the Dunkin Donuts franchise business should be number one.we can decide to invest part of the money in any other business that will yield profit.
ultra modern hospital simply means a modern hospital.it does not require photographs.i use the word ultra modern to qualify the type of hospital i needed.it is not compulsory that we must build a hospital.let us invest in any project that will help us.
i have drafted the application for you.fill it and send to the company and get back to me.extend my greetings to your beloved wife.my wife sent her regards to your family.
my kind and profond regards.
Bawa.
****************My Playful Reply*****************
Dear Bawa,
Thank you for clarifying the projects we would like to be building. I agree that a Dunkin Donuts is more important than a hospital and we should immediately begin the processes of building one on Beech Street in my neighborhood. They also serve croissant breakfast sandwiches that are very good and I would hope that one day you will come and try one. You will not be disappointed. The croissants are light and buttery to taste, and ultra delicious. My wife thinks that hospitals are a big scam in this country anyway because their prices are not for regular people like you and me, but for the greedy insurance companies instead. So let us build an ultra modern Dunkin Donuts instead and make a lot of money selling breakfast food to busy people!
I see you have also sent an e-mail with the application. Let me review it with my wife and see if we have any more questions.
Sincerely,
Thomas Mann
****************Shaka Bawa's Application E-Mail*****************
FILL THE BELOW APPLICATION AND EMAIL IT TO THE COMPANY. CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY AS SOON AS YOU SEND IT.
PLEASE NOTE THAT THE COMPANY EMAIL ADDRESS IS
sec_guard_company@yahoo.com
or
securityguardbf@fsmail.net
THE TEXT OF APPLICATION.
ATTN.DR.BUKALA WOKOH.
THE DIRECTOR,GLOBAL SECURITY GUARD COMPANY,
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.
SIR,
APPLICATION OF INHERITANCE
I AM THE COUSIN/BUSINESS PARTNER TO YOUR DECEACED CUSTOMER MR.ANDREAS SCHRANNER WHO DIED IN A PLANE CRASH IN 2000.APART FROM BEING MY COUSIN,WE ARE ALSO ENGAGED IN REAL ESTATE/PROPERTY MANAGEMENT TOGETHER WITH EXPORTATION OF SOLID MINERALS.
MR.ANDREAS SCHRANNER HOLDS THE ACCOUNT NUMBER GSGCBF/GBX89.I HEREBY SOLICIT FOR THE RELEASE OF HIS US$10.5 MILLION DOLLARS FROM THE ABOVE MENTIONED ACCOUNT AND ALSO SHIP THE SAME TO ME USING THE BELOW INFORMATION.
NAME......................
AGE.......................
OCCUPATION................
ADDRESS........................
TELEPHONE NO.................
I WISH MY APPLICATION BE GIVEN AN URGENT ATTENTION.ACCEPT MY APOLOGY FOR THE LATE APPLICATION.IT WAS DUE TO SOME LOGISTIC PROBLEMS WHICH HAVE BEEN REGULATED RECENTLY.
THANKING YOU FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED CO-OPERATION.
YOURS FAITHFULY,
Bawa
****************My Concerned Reply*****************
Bawa,
We have reviewed the application and my wife is now telling me that we need more information from you before we move forward. She says she feels uncomfortable doing business with someone she barely knows. I do not share her concerns because I trust the good in all people, but because I love her very much I need to ask you a few questions before completing the application.
She would like to know your name, age, and occupation. And so that she feels she knows you better, she would like to know your favorite color, favorite leisure activity, and the names of any pets you may have at home. We have two pet cats named Sallie Mae and Freddie Mac, and a parakeet named Maxwell Smart. I know this sounds very silly, but I think it will help my wife feel more comfortable doing business with someone she has never met.
I look forward to making many donuts with you,
Thomas Mann
****************Shaka Bawa's Polite Response*****************
Dear Thomas Mann,
i thank you so much for your prompt responds.i am writing to satisfy the conscience of your wife as regards knowing whom i am.
as i told you in my proposal,i am a manager working with the security guard company burkina faso where the deceased person deposited the us$10.5 million dollars.
my name is Mr.Shaka bawah.i am 49 married with 3 children.i live in fada ngourma zone 5 area 311. my phone number is +226 78 86 76 47.
i want to tell you categoricaly that i love all colours,though blue is my favorite.this is business,we do not have to go into that extent as it has got nothing to do with our project.
i love domestic animals(dogs),i have one that guides my home while we are away.i have leisure in fishing and watching soccer.
i will like us to execute this business and become life time family friends.send the application and get back to me.my regards to your wife and entire family.let me know what your intended project will cost.i hope and believe that the 10.5 million dollars will be in your hands in 7 working days should you comply with all my instruction.i wait for your reply.
Shaka Bawah.
****************My Enthusiastic Response*****************
Bawa,
I must say thank you for sharing with me these personal details of your life. My wife feels much better now to know you in this way and we both look forward to our partnership together. We have already told our neighbors about the plans to bring a Dunkin Donuts shop to our neighborhood and they are very excited for us. Especially Merle, who is known for his sweet tooth. In fact, they would like also to do business with us!
I do have one final concern regarding the application you would like for us to complete. Will this be a legal transaction? I spent much of 1983 in jail because of some livestock problems. It was a horrible experience I would like to avoid if possible. If you can assure me this is a legitimate transaction, I think we will be ready to proceed with the transfer and start our business life together.
Your friend,
Thomas
****************Shaka Bawa's Confident Reply*****************
Dear Thomas Mann,
i thank you also for your understanding.extend my greetings to your beloved wife.
i am writing this time to assure you that this business is legal.all that the company requires from you is correct information about the deceased person of which,i am here to provide you with such information.
i am 100% sure that both of us will not encounter any problem.i am 100% involved of which,i have prepared grounds for a perfect execution of this transaction.your application is coming to my department.i am responsible to look into your application and give recomendation to the company to release and transfer this funds to you in your destination.
always adhere to my instructions as they will be of help to this business.be assured that you will confirm this funds in your hands before the end of next week.i will mount pressure from here to make sure that the funds are released to you.
i am of the opinion that we open the Dunkin Donuts shop in other good areas where the need is required.you will use this opportunity to make some market surveys and see where we can open other shops.i will use my time here to think of any other good project.but for now,let us open atleast,three or four shops.the shops could be opened in other cities.
fill and send the application to the company and inform me.endeavour to forward to me whatever question the company may ask you in this regards.i will give you the correct answers.be assured that i have perfected everything before contacting you.my kind regards.
Bawa.
********************
No reply from me for two days (playing hard to get)
****************Shaka Bawa's Concerned E-mail*****************
Dear Thomas Mann,
i am yet to hear from you as regards the application.update me.
Bawa.
****************My Final Response*****************
Bawa,
I must begin with an apology.
My name is not Thomas Mann – it is Michael Landon. I am not really a painter by trade, and I do not have a cautious, curious wife who loves Dunkin Donuts. That was a cover story utilized to engage you in discourse, not unlike the remarkably wild tale you invented to encourage a response from me.
In truth, I am a member of the United Nations’ new International Task Force fighting Internet fraud, CyberStrike. CyberStrike has been investigating claims of fraudulent e-mails originating from your country for 8 months. We are in the surveillance phase of the operation – collecting e-mail account information, known pseudonyms, IP addresses, Internet routing coordinates, and other information that will enable us to pinpoint the location of individuals across the globe who have been soliciting personal information from unwary Internet users for the purpose of making illegal withdrawals from financial accounts.
This final electronic correspondence is to inform you that CyberStrike has successfully completed phase one and is scheduled to launch a comprehensive crackdown of all such illegal activity at the beginning of the new year that starts January 1st, 2006. The U.N. goal is to apprehend and prosecute all individuals engaged in the practice of international fraud, including the confiscation of all computer equipment, and the freezing of all assets.
Thanks to your many responses to my e-mails, you have been marked as a live individual, and are therefore subject to indictment under international law for attempted fraud, attempted identity theft, embezzlement, and a host of lesser, related charges. This e-mail is a courtesy warning to cease and desist all such communications at once or face strict penalties. CyberStrike is currently working with a team of undercover operations specialists who will be exercising a sweep in your area in the coming months. You can plan to be in police custody some time before April of 2006.
Kind regards and best wishes,
Michael Landon
a.k.a Thomas Mann
I recently saw a nightly news program segment warning people against the many Internet scams coming out of Nigeria, where scam artists with only a rough grasp of the English language are somehow talking “greedy” Americans into sharing their person banking information.
After receiving one such scam e-mail, I decided to have a little fun with the bandit on the other end. What follows is the complete, unedited conversation I had with an enterprising gentleman named Shaka Bawa.
****************The Original Scam E-mail*****************
FOR YOUR KIND ATTENTION.
COULD YOU PLEASE CONSIDER TO HELP ME TO RELOCATE THIS SUM OF TEN MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS(US$10.5m) TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR ESTABLISHING A MEDIUM SIZE INDUSTRY IN YOUR COUNTRY.
THE SAID 10.5 MILLION DOLLARS WAS DEPOSITED IN OUR SECURITY COMPANY BY MR.ANDREAS SCHRANNER,A GERMAN CITIZEN WHO DIED IN A PLANE CRASH IN 2000.WE HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT HIS IMMEDIATE FAMILY TO COME FORWARD FOR CLAIMS BUT COULD NOT SUCCEED.WE DISCORVERED THAT THE LATE GERMAN DIED ALONG SIDE WITH HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN WHO SUPPOSED TO BE HIS NEXT OF KIN.
CLICK HERE(http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm)
I WILL GIVE YOU ALL VITAL INFORMATION CONCERNING THE GERMAN AND THE 10.5 MILLION DOLLARS IN OUR CUSTODY SO THAT YOU WILL CONTACT OUR COMPANY FOR THEM TO RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU.YOU CAN COME HERE IN PERSON OR YOU CAN REQUEST THE COMPANY TO SHIP THE FUNDS TO YOU IN YOUR COUNTRY DIPLOMATICALY.
I AM A MANAGER IN THIS COMPANY,I WILL PLAY A ROLE TO MAKE SURE THAT THE 10.5 MILLION DOLLARS IS RELEASED TO YOU.AS SOON AS I RECIEVE YOUR REPLY,I WILL GIVE YOU A DRAFT APPLICATION WHICH YOU WILL FORWARD TO OUR COMPANY.REPLY AND LET ME KNOW YOUR FULL NAME,AGE,ADDRESS,OCCUPATION,YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS IF AVALIABLE.
I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.
MR.BAWA.
****************My Initial Response*****************
Mr. Bawa,
Please help me understand what you would like for me to do. I do not understand your request.
Thomas Mann
****************Shaka Bawa's Response*****************
Dear Thomas Mann,
It is my pleasure to reply the mail which you send to me.thank you for your kind interest to help me.
my assurance to you is that i am a manager in this company.i am responsible to review any application concerning this claim and give recommendations to the company to release the fund to the person.meaning that your application is coming directly to my department and i will give you all the information about the late customer which the company will require from you as proof that you know the late customer.
i am contacting you for this business considering the fact that you are a foreigner.the deceased person is also a foreigner,the company where i work will consider a foreign application.
what i want you to do now is to apply as a business associate to the late customer and request the company to release the funds and ship to you in your destination or any nearby destination.i will draft the application for you and you will fill it and send to the company through the company email address which i will provide.i will send the draft application to you as soon as you reply this mail.
The company will ask you some questions concerning the late customer to know if you can give correct information about the late customer.you will forward the questions to me and i will give you the correct answers for you to give to the company for approval.
as soon as you recieve the 10.5 million dollars,both of us will discuss on how to build an ultra model clinic in your country or anywhere else.or we may choose to invest the money in any other lucrative business.be assured i am 100% behind the success of this business.always follow my instructions.
thank you for your understanding.my tel.number is +226 78 86 76 47.give me a call.i want to hear your voice.get back to me as soon as posible.my kind regards.
Bawa.
****************My Eager Reply*****************
Thank you, Bawa, for your response. I am eager to assist you with regard to this opportunity. I cannot call you, however, as I am at work and the number you have provided is not toll-free. But if you will send the draft application, I will be most happy to provide the information necessary to complete the transaction.
I have another question. Will I be able to use the money to start my own Dunkin Donuts franchise here in my home town? We love donuts here and do not currently have a place that makes them fresh daily. Dunkin Donuts also has 9 flavors of coffee now and my wife thinks that a Dunkin Donuts on Beech Street would make a lot of money. Do you think this is possible or do we have to use it all to build an “ultra model clinic”? Because if this is the case, I will need you to explain to me what an ultra model clinic is. Does it involve flash photography? I take very good pictures, if so.
Okay, then. Thanks for your response. I look forward to receiving the draft application and your answers.
Thomas Mann
****************Shaka Bawa's Courteous Response*****************
Dear Thomas Mann,
i thank you so much for your prompt responds to my mail. i am writing to answer the few questions that you ask in regards to the business at hand.
your idea in the Dunkin Donuts franchise is duely wellcomed. we can not invest all the money in the hospital project. i only suggested the hospital project, it does not mean that we must build a hospital.
you knows your country more than i do, you are in the best position to know what nature of investment that can be lucrative there in your country.
in my opinion,the Dunkin Donuts franchise business should be number one.we can decide to invest part of the money in any other business that will yield profit.
ultra modern hospital simply means a modern hospital.it does not require photographs.i use the word ultra modern to qualify the type of hospital i needed.it is not compulsory that we must build a hospital.let us invest in any project that will help us.
i have drafted the application for you.fill it and send to the company and get back to me.extend my greetings to your beloved wife.my wife sent her regards to your family.
my kind and profond regards.
Bawa.
****************My Playful Reply*****************
Dear Bawa,
Thank you for clarifying the projects we would like to be building. I agree that a Dunkin Donuts is more important than a hospital and we should immediately begin the processes of building one on Beech Street in my neighborhood. They also serve croissant breakfast sandwiches that are very good and I would hope that one day you will come and try one. You will not be disappointed. The croissants are light and buttery to taste, and ultra delicious. My wife thinks that hospitals are a big scam in this country anyway because their prices are not for regular people like you and me, but for the greedy insurance companies instead. So let us build an ultra modern Dunkin Donuts instead and make a lot of money selling breakfast food to busy people!
I see you have also sent an e-mail with the application. Let me review it with my wife and see if we have any more questions.
Sincerely,
Thomas Mann
****************Shaka Bawa's Application E-Mail*****************
FILL THE BELOW APPLICATION AND EMAIL IT TO THE COMPANY. CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY AS SOON AS YOU SEND IT.
PLEASE NOTE THAT THE COMPANY EMAIL ADDRESS IS
sec_guard_company@yahoo.com
or
securityguardbf@fsmail.net
THE TEXT OF APPLICATION.
ATTN.DR.BUKALA WOKOH.
THE DIRECTOR,GLOBAL SECURITY GUARD COMPANY,
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.
SIR,
APPLICATION OF INHERITANCE
I AM THE COUSIN/BUSINESS PARTNER TO YOUR DECEACED CUSTOMER MR.ANDREAS SCHRANNER WHO DIED IN A PLANE CRASH IN 2000.APART FROM BEING MY COUSIN,WE ARE ALSO ENGAGED IN REAL ESTATE/PROPERTY MANAGEMENT TOGETHER WITH EXPORTATION OF SOLID MINERALS.
MR.ANDREAS SCHRANNER HOLDS THE ACCOUNT NUMBER GSGCBF/GBX89.I HEREBY SOLICIT FOR THE RELEASE OF HIS US$10.5 MILLION DOLLARS FROM THE ABOVE MENTIONED ACCOUNT AND ALSO SHIP THE SAME TO ME USING THE BELOW INFORMATION.
NAME......................
AGE.......................
OCCUPATION................
ADDRESS........................
TELEPHONE NO.................
I WISH MY APPLICATION BE GIVEN AN URGENT ATTENTION.ACCEPT MY APOLOGY FOR THE LATE APPLICATION.IT WAS DUE TO SOME LOGISTIC PROBLEMS WHICH HAVE BEEN REGULATED RECENTLY.
THANKING YOU FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED CO-OPERATION.
YOURS FAITHFULY,
Bawa
****************My Concerned Reply*****************
Bawa,
We have reviewed the application and my wife is now telling me that we need more information from you before we move forward. She says she feels uncomfortable doing business with someone she barely knows. I do not share her concerns because I trust the good in all people, but because I love her very much I need to ask you a few questions before completing the application.
She would like to know your name, age, and occupation. And so that she feels she knows you better, she would like to know your favorite color, favorite leisure activity, and the names of any pets you may have at home. We have two pet cats named Sallie Mae and Freddie Mac, and a parakeet named Maxwell Smart. I know this sounds very silly, but I think it will help my wife feel more comfortable doing business with someone she has never met.
I look forward to making many donuts with you,
Thomas Mann
****************Shaka Bawa's Polite Response*****************
Dear Thomas Mann,
i thank you so much for your prompt responds.i am writing to satisfy the conscience of your wife as regards knowing whom i am.
as i told you in my proposal,i am a manager working with the security guard company burkina faso where the deceased person deposited the us$10.5 million dollars.
my name is Mr.Shaka bawah.i am 49 married with 3 children.i live in fada ngourma zone 5 area 311. my phone number is +226 78 86 76 47.
i want to tell you categoricaly that i love all colours,though blue is my favorite.this is business,we do not have to go into that extent as it has got nothing to do with our project.
i love domestic animals(dogs),i have one that guides my home while we are away.i have leisure in fishing and watching soccer.
i will like us to execute this business and become life time family friends.send the application and get back to me.my regards to your wife and entire family.let me know what your intended project will cost.i hope and believe that the 10.5 million dollars will be in your hands in 7 working days should you comply with all my instruction.i wait for your reply.
Shaka Bawah.
****************My Enthusiastic Response*****************
Bawa,
I must say thank you for sharing with me these personal details of your life. My wife feels much better now to know you in this way and we both look forward to our partnership together. We have already told our neighbors about the plans to bring a Dunkin Donuts shop to our neighborhood and they are very excited for us. Especially Merle, who is known for his sweet tooth. In fact, they would like also to do business with us!
I do have one final concern regarding the application you would like for us to complete. Will this be a legal transaction? I spent much of 1983 in jail because of some livestock problems. It was a horrible experience I would like to avoid if possible. If you can assure me this is a legitimate transaction, I think we will be ready to proceed with the transfer and start our business life together.
Your friend,
Thomas
****************Shaka Bawa's Confident Reply*****************
Dear Thomas Mann,
i thank you also for your understanding.extend my greetings to your beloved wife.
i am writing this time to assure you that this business is legal.all that the company requires from you is correct information about the deceased person of which,i am here to provide you with such information.
i am 100% sure that both of us will not encounter any problem.i am 100% involved of which,i have prepared grounds for a perfect execution of this transaction.your application is coming to my department.i am responsible to look into your application and give recomendation to the company to release and transfer this funds to you in your destination.
always adhere to my instructions as they will be of help to this business.be assured that you will confirm this funds in your hands before the end of next week.i will mount pressure from here to make sure that the funds are released to you.
i am of the opinion that we open the Dunkin Donuts shop in other good areas where the need is required.you will use this opportunity to make some market surveys and see where we can open other shops.i will use my time here to think of any other good project.but for now,let us open atleast,three or four shops.the shops could be opened in other cities.
fill and send the application to the company and inform me.endeavour to forward to me whatever question the company may ask you in this regards.i will give you the correct answers.be assured that i have perfected everything before contacting you.my kind regards.
Bawa.
********************
No reply from me for two days (playing hard to get)
****************Shaka Bawa's Concerned E-mail*****************
Dear Thomas Mann,
i am yet to hear from you as regards the application.update me.
Bawa.
****************My Final Response*****************
Bawa,
I must begin with an apology.
My name is not Thomas Mann – it is Michael Landon. I am not really a painter by trade, and I do not have a cautious, curious wife who loves Dunkin Donuts. That was a cover story utilized to engage you in discourse, not unlike the remarkably wild tale you invented to encourage a response from me.
In truth, I am a member of the United Nations’ new International Task Force fighting Internet fraud, CyberStrike. CyberStrike has been investigating claims of fraudulent e-mails originating from your country for 8 months. We are in the surveillance phase of the operation – collecting e-mail account information, known pseudonyms, IP addresses, Internet routing coordinates, and other information that will enable us to pinpoint the location of individuals across the globe who have been soliciting personal information from unwary Internet users for the purpose of making illegal withdrawals from financial accounts.
This final electronic correspondence is to inform you that CyberStrike has successfully completed phase one and is scheduled to launch a comprehensive crackdown of all such illegal activity at the beginning of the new year that starts January 1st, 2006. The U.N. goal is to apprehend and prosecute all individuals engaged in the practice of international fraud, including the confiscation of all computer equipment, and the freezing of all assets.
Thanks to your many responses to my e-mails, you have been marked as a live individual, and are therefore subject to indictment under international law for attempted fraud, attempted identity theft, embezzlement, and a host of lesser, related charges. This e-mail is a courtesy warning to cease and desist all such communications at once or face strict penalties. CyberStrike is currently working with a team of undercover operations specialists who will be exercising a sweep in your area in the coming months. You can plan to be in police custody some time before April of 2006.
Kind regards and best wishes,
Michael Landon
a.k.a Thomas Mann
HAPPY HALLOWEEN
Here’s an interactive pumpkin carving instruction site you may find helpful for last-minute jack-o-lanterning.
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