THE CASE OF THE STICKY BUNS

When the urge to take a monster dump struck Bob Dougherty, 57, in the middle of his trip to Home Depot, he couldn’t have imagined it would go down like this.

Bob hastily stepped into the bathroom of his Home Depot in Boulder, Colorado, expecting your average everyday defacatory experience. What he got instead was stuck to the toilet seat. That’s because some ingenious prankster thought it would be a good idea to line the seat with superglue. [Warning: Do not try this at home]

According to the lawsuit filed last Friday, Bob, who was recovering from heart bypass surgery at the time, thought he was having a heart attack when he couldn’t lift himself off the pot. He immediately started calling for help but no one came to his rescue. Would YOU respond to pleas from a man in a restroom at a Home Depot claiming to be stuck to a toilet seat? Really? You would? Me too.

Anyhow, a store employee heard him calling and informed the head clerk by radio, but the head clerk believed it was a hoax. Bob spent 15 minutes on the throne before the paramedics were finally called in. The seat had to be unbolted from the porcelain commode and Bob had to be wheeled out of the store with it firmly fastened to his backside. The seat was later removed, leaving abrasions on his arse. Sounds like an episode of Nip/Tuck to me.

Bob said he doesn’t blame Home Depot, but he IS upset he was left sitting in the bathroom for 15 minutes while calling for help, hence the lawsuit.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bob was the victim of a criminal act. There’s no doubt about it. He went through a lot of pain, discomfort, and humiliation that day. But, unfortunately, not all criminals get caught. We can’t just go around awarding damages to victims because we feel bad for them. Home Depot was not to blame here, nor were its employees. The assmuncher who cemented Bob’s cheeks to the seat is the guilty party. He’s the fucknut we really need to get our hands on. Punishing Home Depot by awarding compensation to Bob for a sticky bun incident wouldn’t be an act of justice. Is Home Depot expected to hire bathroom monitors at all of its store locations to prevent future such incidents? Is McDonald’s for that matter? Or Starbucks? The fact is, you can’t prevent idiot pranksters from performing random acts of havoc like this. Sometimes you can catch them and prosecute them. But when you don’t catch them, you don’t pass the blame to the next person in line. I feel for Bob – I really do. But my decision is for the defendant. Case dismissed.