Friday, February 17, 2006

THE WHITEHOUSE EFFECT

Bad news, friends. According to satellite imagery, the Greenland Ice cap is melting far faster than anyone had predicted it would. Twice as much ice is dropping into the ocean today as just five years ago. It’s a dramatic trend environmental scientists fear could have major impact on the world climate.

And do you know what’s REALLY scary? The folks in Washington don’t want you to know about it.

The Bush Administration originally dismissed the concerns as “fuzzy science,” but has since announced the development of a “roadmap” to environmental wellness called “No ice left behind.” The 600-page proposal, which has not been made public yet, is said to be littered with practical, if less-than-helpful, suggestions on how to deal with the global warming, like moving away from the beach. The ambitious initiative also includes a plan to counter rising temperatures by enforcing a one-week period every year during which every home and business in the world with air conditioning must jam their unit on high with their doors and windows open. According to a section of the report released to the media on Friday, “The collective effort of all those cooling systems blasting at once should be sufficient to reverse the trends we’ve been seeing. And if we need to run a few fans, too, that can’t hurt either.”

All joking aside, the Bush Administration actually tried to prevent a NASA scientist from making these reports public. Jim Hansen is the director of the NASA Goddard Institute for Space Studies in New York, and President George Bush's top climate modeler. When he approached the administration with this news, they more or less told him to put a sock in it. Here’s a quick link to the article for your reference.

On the other side of the spectrum, hard core environmentalists are now predicting all of humanity will be under water within the next 72 hours. RUH-ROH!

The truth, as always, is neither here nor there.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

YOU LOVE ME

You love me not.

You love me.

You love me not.

You love me.

You love me not.

You love me.

You love me not.

You love me not?

What?

No. I don't think so. Don't lie.

You know you love me.

ASS TRAFFIC

I work at a small marketing firm, and our office is located on the top floor of a renovated loft building in Chicago’s West Loop Warehouse District. Our office bathroom, for your reference, is situated just outside our main office in a common hallway. While the hallway is common, our agency bathroom is not. Or, at least it’s not supposed to be.

All week we’ve been noticing an awful lot of traffic out in that hallway and yesterday morning our worst fears were realized. It turns out folks from the office next door have been john-hopping – descending upon our throne whenever theirs is occupied!

Late yesterday, one of the partners here decided to casually bring it up to it up to one of the partners next door, who was quick to apologize for the extra business they’ve been sending our way. According to our neighbor, their architecture firm has been on a hiring spree of late and, with only one bathroom in their office, there’s been a lot of crapper traffic. Because we possess the only other commode of transpooptation on the floor, we’ve been catching their daily overflow. To make matters worse, the increase in activity has been occurring at particularly busy times, between 9-10:30am (after morning coffee), then again between 1-2:30pm (after lunch). In the business world, these time slots are also known as Flush Hour.

Since it is OUR private bathroom, and stocked with OUR private supplies, we politely asked if they would be able to keep their bathroom activities to their own bathroom. They apologized and agreed to stink to their own side. As I am sure you have already guessed by now, it was not long before they reneged.

This morning, after taking a visual audit of office occupants, I scampered off to use the restroom – confident it was vacant. But it was not! I tried the handle twice to be sure and it was locked. I was not pleased. To let the occupant know how surprised I was to find it locked, I rammed my shoulder into the door forcefully as if to bust it open. The offending occupant uttered meekly, “Just a mo-ment!” The tone in his voice assured me I had scared the shit out of him…literally perhaps.

I immediately retreated to my desk, bursting at the seams in more ways than one. My first instinct was to walk into the office next door, drop my pants, and dangle a hearty russet coil all over their nicely-buffed wooden floor. But that’s always my first instinct when surrounded by architects. My second instinct was to urinate in a plastic cup and – honestly, it’s really not important. The important thing is what I actually did, which was my 6th instinct.

I lifted a sheet of blank white paper from the printer tray and uncapped a Sharpie. The marker squeaked loudly as I scrawled a note in large CAPITAL LETTERS:

ENOUGH ASSHOLES USE THIS BATHROOM ALREADY – WE DON’T NEED YOU IN HERE, TOO.

I marched back out into the hallway and slid it under the bathroom door.

I’m hoping the unwelcome crapper got the message. If not, I am going to have to resort to plan B.

Plan B: The door handle has one of those small holes in the center, so to unlock it, all one needs is a toothpick or a needle. If our john gets raided again tomorrow, I am going to pick the lock, swing the door open, snap a photo, and disappear into the stairwell. I will then wallpaper the neighborhood with fliers featuring that photo:

“WANTED: Suspect known only as the “Turd Burglar” has been reported breaking into the bathrooms of area businesses to steal unflushed excrement. The suspect should be considered armed and pungent. Please avoid direct contact and always keep a clean bowl."

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

VICE PRESIDENTS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

Vice President Dick Cheney inadvertently made a case for stronger gun control this week when he “accidentally” shot a hunting buddy firing at a rising covey of quail. The victim was an acquaintance and contributor who thought Cheney meant something entirely different when he said the Republican Party needed a “shot in the arm” prior to upcoming mid-term elections. Initially outraged, most Americans were quick to forgive the Vice President upon learning that the man he shot was a lawyer.

The news got a little worse for Cheney when it was later reported the victim had suffered a minor heart attack thanks to some birdshot that had penetrated his internal organs. THEN today it was revealed that Dick had sucked down a beer at lunch that fateful afternoon. Tomorrow I'm expecting they will announce that Cheney has been legally blind for over a decade.

President Bush has remained out of the spotlight over the course of this drama, but unconditional support for the Veep has been implicit in his Foreign Policy philosophy: Shoot first and ask questions later.

Some have expressed concern over Cheney's admission to drinking a single beer at lunch, as everyone knows that one beer means at least three. Ask any state patrol officer who's ever pulled over a DUI suspect. They've got a cheat sheet for assessing true consumption levels based on admission:



If they admit to..........Then they likely had...
1 beer........................3-4 beers
2 beers......................5-8 beers
A few beers................No fewer than 9 beers
4 or 5 beers...............12 beers and several shots
6+ beers....................A controlled substance of some kind

According to administrators at the event, a small situation developed after the hunt when, on the way back to the parking lot, Dick asked, "Who wants shotgun?" and everyone within earshot scrambled for cover.

Want to try your hand at a little quail hunting Dick Cheney style? Click here. Be sure to check out the featured article after you take your best shot – it's a fucking scream.

A White House Story: "I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!"

Don't be silly, Dick. You'll shoot a contributor's eye out!



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Get yours today! Hot off the presses...a bright orange “Duck! Cheney” T-shirt.

You know you want one.

BROKEBACK TO THE FUTURE

McFly is open! Check out this nicely crafted trailer for the upcoming movie starring Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd called Brokeback to the Future.

What’s up, doc?

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

OINK AND CLICK

I never knew how much a simple drawing of a pig could reveal about my personality! According to this Draw a Pig Personality Test, I’ve got a great sex life. Sweet! Of course, I didn’t need to draw a pig on a computer to know that. The alarming rate at which I lose underwear is testimony enough. But enough about makin’ bacon – go draw a pig and find out what it says about you!

Besides, naturally, the fact that you have too much time on your hands.

HAPPY V-D!

Something about that doesn't sound quite right.

Monday, February 13, 2006

TRAFFIC JAM

Stacy Keibler naked. Stacy Keebler naked. Stacy Kiebler naked. Stacey Keebler naked. Stacey Keibler naked. Stacey Keebler naked. Stacy Kebler naked. Stacy Keibler pics. Stacy Keebler pics. Stacy Kiebler pics. Stacey Keebler pics. Stacey Keibler pics. Evangeline Lilly nude. Evangeline Lily nude. Evangeline Lilly naked. Evangeline Lily naked. Evangeline Lilly pics. Evangeline Lily pics. Stacey Keebler pics. Stacy Kebler pics. Stacy Keibler nude. Stacy Keebler nude. Stacy Kiebler nude. Stacey Keebler nude. Stacey Keibler nude. Stacey Keebler nude. Stacy Kebler nude.

Don’t mind me – just an experiment to see if this drums up a few more web hits.

From what I understand about Search Engine Optimization, people searching for naked celebrities will be directed to visit AYNtK. They might consider it misleading of me to advertise naked pics of celebrities in this way, but I call it fate.

If you are reading this post because you came here looking for naked pictures of celebrities, don’t be discouraged. You were meant to find AYNtK. I am fate’s monkey, and I type what you are thinking. I am here to tell you that looking at photographs of naked women is not what you need to be doing right now. You need to be getting back to work – you ARE the President of the United States, after all. I would have expected this search string out of Bill, but not YOU!

DECORATIVE TOPOGRAPHY

Some close friends of ours just had a beautiful baby girl, so Geri and I drove out to meet their newest edition over the weekend. During the drive out, Geri’s 5-year-old (the H-man) initiated a very interesting discussion on breasts. In the question-and-answer session that followed, Geri carefully explained to the H-man that girls have boobs so they can feed their babies. The H-man was noticeably perplexed upon learning this interesting factoid, so Geri asked him, “Why did you THINK girls have boobs?”

“I don’t know,” he wondered aloud, “For decoration?” It is clear that the H-man is wise beyond his years.

“Well…” I chimed in with a laugh, “That’s not entirely untrue.” Geri could not disagree as we both admired his profound insight. Hard to fight the logic of a 5-year-old when there’s an entire cosmetic enhancement market thriving on the concept of decorative topography.

Given his new understanding of the biological purpose for breasts, the H-Man went on to make several brilliant observations, including: “So girls with big boobs don’t have babies, because if they did then they wouldn’t have the big boobs. They need babies,” he said, sure of himself. Or attention, we mumbled to each other. And then, of course, came the question that was sure to follow.

"Why do boys have boobs?"

Walking him through the mysteries of gender differentiation from Asexuality to Zygote would not have been a good use of time, so we defaulted to your standard blow-off-the-child-with-too-many-questions-phrase and offered only: "I don't know, dude. That's a good question."

In related news, a team of researchers studying the possible causes of homosexuality have identified one of the first signs a male child might be gay, illustrated in this photograph. Results of the study are not expected to be final for another 14-18 years.

I SEE YOU!