Friday, March 10, 2006


Have you noticed how a lot of news these days really isn’t news at all? Consider all of the blockbuster stories from just the past week.


The bachelor and his pick to click are no longer seeing one another. Actually, they were never really seeing one another. Following the taping of the final show, producers forbid the two would-be lovebirds from spending any time together for the purpose of keeping Dr. Bachelor’s selection a secret. That secret is what made the show a draw each week. Both the bachelor and his prize pick now claim that the 4 months between their Paris matchmaking adventure and now have forced them apart. Makes the feelings they confessed to one another sound about as genuine as Barry Bonds.


Speaking of Barry…I’m sure you heard the word on his ass. Literally. Barry did steroids. Ho hum. Anything else we need to know? The difference this time is that the book detailing his rampant abuse was written by a couple of respected journalists – not an ex-ball player with dollar signs in his eyes. Everybody (yes, everybody) has been suspecting it all along, but no one has been able to prove anything – probably because people who use steroids don’t keep videotaped journals of their asscapades. The book reportedly describes Barry’s steroid regimen in such detail it would be virtually impossible to refute. Nevertheless, the story has been refuted.


Here’s another shocker for you. According to the AP, a report on the Roman Catholic archdiocese of Dublin says over 100 priests are suspected of sexually or physically abusing AT LEAST 350 children since 1940. Frightening how sexual predators gravitate to a career in the cloth, where the twisted interests of their libido can be served under the protection of service to God. Is there a pervert handbook that recommends the priesthood to aspiring child molesters? I don’t understand how so many pedophiles wind up becoming champions of morality.


Interior secretary Gale Norton resigned today. Another one of Bush’s cabinet members bailing for “personal” reasons. Shock! I’m surprised she lasted as long as she did. There’s more turnover in the Bush Administration than the late-night shift at Taco Bell. Bush’s approval rating, meanwhile, continues to plummet, reaching its all-time low this week at just 37%. For comparison, Clinton and Reagan both enjoyed approval ratings in the mid-60s at this point in their second terms. Doesn’t look like Dubya will be receiving an Employee of the Month plaque.


What else? Iran threatened the U.S. with “harm and pain” over our insistence that the nation be referred to the U.N. Security Council over the suspected pursuit of nuclear arms. La-dee-da. People in the Middle East shaking their fists at America’s interventionist foreign policy. That’s not news – that’s par for the couscous.


So yeah – no real surprises this week. Just more of the same news packaged as information you need to know, when all you really need to know is that none of this matters to the hamster tirelessly trotting away in a little spinning wheel in the basement of the sun, keeping it burning bright while we pretend life is all about us.

When the hamster gets tired, we all go away.

Thursday, March 09, 2006


Want to see something cool? Don’t pretend you’re not interested when you know you are.

Here’s a video that imagines what the Simpsons would look like if it wasn’t animated. Very well done!


My buddy Ed just sent me this screen capture of the highest Kitten Cannon score I've ever seen. Ed would not tell me how many hours he spent firing a cartoon cat out of a cannon to get this score, but the ancient Egyptians were likely able to cobble together a Sphinx in less time. This score is a modern day wonder.



After a third day of intense cross-examination in the case against Saddamassacre Hussein, the deposed dictator finally cracked. Standing up suddenly a fit of rage, he confronted the court, shouting:

"You wanted the truth about your weapons of mass destruction? I gave you the truth! But you can't handle the truth!"

He then struck a James Bond pose, winked at the jury, and farted loudly. He later denied farting as the courtroom was cleared.


"Life is tragic for those who have plenty to live on and nothing to live for."

- Unknown


I don't know who this Unknown guy is, but he ought to write a book or something. He's always got such clever, insightful things to say!

Better yet, maybe I'll just change my name to "Unknown" so I can take credit for all of his shit. And then I'll change my name back to Terry Mertens! YES! It's brilliant! Prince changed his name a half dozen fucking times - once to a fucking Rorschach blob! If he can do it, so can I. From now on my name is Unknown and I am the greatest unsung genius of our time. But you already knew that. Here are some other pearls of wisdom I've got for you.

"A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top."

"Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."

"True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable."

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and sings it back to you when you have forgotten how it goes."

"The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing."

"It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

"Don't be afraid to take one large step because you can't cross a chasm in two small leaps."

"If a man shits in the woods and there's no one around to hear it fall, did he really shit at all?"

(That last one keeps me up at night)

Yeah, one day you'll think back upon your life and be glad you knew me. Maybe not today. But one day.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006


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Tuesday, March 07, 2006


It finally happened. It was only a matter of time.

I finally contracted Asian Bird Flu. I don’t know how, but I’ve been sick for two days now. Geri tells me it’s just a cold, but I know better. Sore throat, stuffy head, sinus issues, malaise. Yeah, malaise. All the signs are there. Asian bird flu. I’m totally fucked.

I’m guessing it had to be those filthy pigeons staking claim to Geri’s balcony. Or the day I ran to my car without a coat on. But Geri informed me that people don’t get sick from going outside without a coat on.

“This isn’t just sick, Geri. It’s the Asian Bird Flu!”

Okay – so I probably don’t have Asian bird flu – but from news reports I find it hard to believe we’re not all going to have some form of it within a few months. Is the global epidemic simply scare journalism, or something I really need to be concerned about? Last I read, you practically have to French kiss an infected duck to contract it, and yet it’s a recurring news report day after frightening day.

Here comes the Asian bird flu – starts with them, jumps to you!

To be honest, I’ve been more perplexed about this common cold thing we haven’t managed to whip. How can we possibly tackle avian influenza when we can’t even beat the sniffles?

And why are we told to stay warm or we’ll catch a cold…when there’s zero chance of getting sick from lack of clothing? It’s true. You can’t catch a cold from cold weather. Try it. Roll around in the snow naked. I do it all the time, as far as you know. Sure, you’ll freeze your ass off – possibly lose your ears and fingers – but you won’t catch a cold. This bit of wisdom is hammered home by Geri every time I try to blame a sneeze or bad cough on old man winter. She’s not a doctor, but she tells me she was always good at science back in school..and that's good enough for me. I was good at gym class, which may explain why I excel at fantasy sports. Or not. Let's move on.

Seriously, kids. Colds are caught from germs, not from freezing your ass off. This sounds reasonable enough – and yet we’re always told to wrap up with scarves and mittens and boots so we don’t get sick. All swaddling will do is prevent you from getting cold. To avoid getting sick, you need to avoid PEOPLE! For awhile it was even suspected that colder temperatures may lower the body's natural defenses, rendering the immune system hopelessly incapable of fighting back, thereby making us more vulnerable to catching colds. But this hypothesis has since been proven scientifically invalid. People do tend to catch ill more in the winter months, something doctors suggest may be due to changing weather patterns.

According to research, the absolute best way to catch a cold, if you’re hell bent on catching one, is to shake hands with someone who has sneezed into them. Doesn’t that sound delicious? You can also catch a cold by touching something an infected person has touched, and then inserting the germs into your mouth or nose. I bite my nails, so I am more at risk of catching colds than people who don’t. I also have the curious habit of picking my nose while I’m taking a shit, but that’s a conversation better saved for my therapist.

All you need to know is, if you don’t want to get sick like me, wash your hands, and don’t make out with geese. And don't drink that Avian bottled water crap. Huh? Evian? Same difference.

This bird flu thing is bad news!