FREE GIFT-RAPPING

I haven't had many opportunities to catch Saturday Night Live over the past decade. Such is the VIP lifestyle. But a couple weeks ago I caught the replay of their 06 holiday show hosted by JT (Justin Timberlake for those over 40). This was one of the funniest SNL sketches I have ever seen.

Thanks to Marky Mark for passing along the uncensored You Tube link.

WHERE TO STASH THE CASH

Here's another bit of wisdom from the Simple Dollar. It's a list of 20 places to hide your money at home besides the mattress. I do not recommend the broiler.

If you're not familiar with this guy's work, there's a feed in the left sidebar featuring links to his latest stuff. Great advice in there - I do recommend you give it a peek-a-boo some time.

By the way - here's some info on the best hiding place of all. Thanks, Dan!

HERE YA GO, DAVE

Create your own motivational posters.

Just don't tell anyone where you got this link because I don't want a bunch of link-starved strangers e-mailing me for hot shit. Actually, I think I'd kind of enjoy that. Go ahead and tell who you want.

Enjoy!



Fun for HOURS, people. I may have this one blown up.

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN!

As the snow slowly melts into the ground, and frigid streams trickle through slippery sewer grates, the sidewalks become clear again - so that we can see all of the piles of dog crap abandoned since our last big snow.

Walking to work this morning was like negotiating a minefield perilously loaded with menacing turd bombs. I carefully leaned and dodged the soaking remains of pile after pile of (presumably) canine feces that clearly had been left steaming in the icy whiteness for WEEKS by lazy dog owners who really ought to know better. Worse, because the piles had been snowed over, they were stamped into the concrete below by passers-by so that they now resembled half-cooked pancakes, or perhaps the exploded remains of a shit-packed water balloon tossed from a nearby rooftop.

Yeah - pretty fucking gross. And I discovered that if you run your finger through it for a sample, it feels exactly like peanut butter. The flavor, however, is nothing like it.

Ah, yes. It is definitely that time of year again.

EVERYTHING IS NEGOTIABLE

Here's a classic scam I know you're going to love. And I know you're going to love it because YOU are going to be able to use it to save hundreds on electronics at Best Buy, Circuit City, and other stores of that ilk.

How does it work? It involves turning one of their bullshit cash cows into a gravy train of your own. You know those extend service plans they're always pushing down your throat? Instead of reflexively declining it, this guy suggests a lucrative alternative.

It's bold, daring, and genius!

IT'S NOT EASY EATING GREEN

Have you ever had a salad that really hit the spot?

Me neither.

Been trying to eat healthier of late and not having an easy go of it. I have identified a direct correlation between taste satisfaction and the number of fat grams per serving. The higher the fat grams per serving, the more I enjoy the food. That's not to say I can't enjoy a plain roast beef sandwich at Subway with less than 6g of fat. I do get those sometimes and find them somewhat satisfying. Just no where near as satisfying as when I double the meat, smother it in cheese, and douse it in horseradish. Now THAT'S a sandwich. Don't forget the bag of Cheetos.

I'm training my tastebuds to appreciate foods with less fat and it's not easy. I grew up on fat. Red meat. Real butter. Crisco. Homemade baked goods and a pantry full of deep fried snacks. You can't just quit that shit cold turkey. You need to cut back little by little until a tomato and imitation bacon bit sandwich makes the mouth water. But for now, every fork full of lettuce I stuff into my piehole feels like an abandoned garnish lost and longing for its greasy, half-pound Angus host.

I will reunite you tonight my green, leafy lunch. There will be meat on the menu come dinner time.

GOING POSTAL

Did you hear what those crazy cats at the U.S. Post Office are planning to do next? They're increasing the price of a first class stamp - yes. But they're also introducing what they call the "forever" stamp. From now on, first class stamps won't be printed in monetary denominations. They'll actually be good forever, regardless of when you bought them. So you'll be able to mail a letter in 2050 using a .39 cent stamp you buy today. Pretty sweet deal, right?

So now I bet you're wondering how many to load up on ahead of the next price hike. Before the math makes you sweat too much, click here for a money expert's take on it. There's definitely a strategy to maximizing the financial impact of the everlasting stamp.

JONAH & THE BEANSTALK

"Religion is the bureaucracy between man and God." -- Bill Maher on Scarborough Country

This guy used to really get under my skin back when it was stll remotely chic to vote Republican. These days he's the preacher and I'm the choir, baby. Logic is perplexing. He asks a very interesting question of his host in this interview regarding religious belief. If instead of a man trapped in the belly of a whale we were taught that Jack climbed a mighty beanstalk into the sky, would we today know the difference between religious fact and fairy tale? Both stories seem wildly implausible - yet one is embraced by millions of people as fact, while the other dismissed as fantasy. Why? Could it be that one is drilled into children under threat of eternal punishment while the other is read from a make-believe pop-up-book of bedtime stories? I won't presume to know the answer to that, but it's certainly thought-provoking.

Maher closes the interview making another curious distinction - that you don't have to be religious to believe in God. It's a concept I've been contemplating for some time, and one I believe has great merit. If you enjoy a good debate, check out the 8 minute segment.

WWW.BANEOFMYEXISTENCE.COM

You wanna know what really drives me fucking apeshit? Well shut your piehole and listen up anyway because I'm going to tell you.

It's that fucking Microsoft Word macro that automatically turns world wide web addresses into hyperlinks in the middle of your document. Why the hell do I want that? And why is that the default setting? I have never once typed a web address in a Word document that I wanted to visit at the time I was typing it - or even upon reading it later. I think that would make a nice OPTION for the three people in the world who actully use hyperlinks in Word documents, but I believe the rest of us use word processing programs to TYPE things.

When I want to visit a website, I am quite capable of double clicking my browser icon - I don't need a shortcut that turns www.whateverthefuckitypehere.com into a hyperlink so that everytime I try to highlight the text or move my cursor over it I end up launching a new browser window, which slows down my machine and irritates the living shit out of me.

Yes, I am aware that this macro can be disabled. They just don't make it very easy to find. Intentionally, I'm sure - so as to irk me to no end.

Is it really 2 already? Oh my! I forgot to take my medication.

STEAMED RICE

This clip is must-see TV. Keith Olbermann has always had a way with words. Here he rips Condi a new one following a statement she made last Sunday regarding the unprecedented powers the Bush administration feels it needs to efficiently prosecute its pet “war” on terror, which might be better termed “The U.S. Terrorist Recruitment and Global Resentment Project.” (For the record: This is not to say our armed forces aren't deserving of our full support and respect - only that the architects behind the war may have been high on the fumes of fighter jet fuel when they built their case for it.)

Anyhow, this clip is a good 8 minutes long, and by good I mean GREAT. He really calls into question her knowledge of world history and U.S. policy - in amusing, intellectually stimulating fashion!

BOBBY BROWN ARRESTED AT CHEERLEADING COMPETITION

Made you look!

Headlines like these really grab your attention, don't they? I know it grabbed mine this afternoon on CNN. And, man, did I feel robbed when I clicked to find out he'd merely been picked up on a warrant for missing a court hearing while watching his daughter's cheerleading competition. Here I was salivating for something downright disgusting.

If you ask me, that headline is false newsvertising! If you tell me Bobby Brown is arrested at a cheerleading competition, I'm expecting a sordid tale of indecency and impending scandal. What's all this missed alimony and child-support payment bullshit? Where's the scandal in that?

Bobby Brown arrested again. Ho hum.