THE NERVE OF THOSE NIGERIAN SCAM ARTISTS!

I love corresponding with Nigerian Scam Artists. I actually had one turn me down this week, which was a first. Most people delte them, but I LOVE reading those long, drawn-out stories about how they identified ME somehow as the next of kin to some wealthy businessman who was killed in an overseas accident. And how they want to liquidate their estate but have run into some legal problems and need me to claim the money so that we can split my "relative's" millions. I usually respond by describing how excited I am to have received the e-mail and start detailing how I plan to use the money once we have gone through with the transaction. Then I like to start a dialogue and go back and forth for a while until the scammer starts getting frustrated with me, at which point I reveal that I am not who I claimed to be, but instead an undercover agent working with the United Nations task force on internet fraud called Cyberstrike. They never seem to reply to that one!

Anyhow, this week I decided to try a new tactic. When the scammer ran through all of the details and offered me the standard 60/40 split - 60% for him and 40% for me - I decided to counter. I demanded 70% of the estate for helping him out, and then concluded with, 'So - deal or no deal?"

The guy writes back:

"Dear Mr. Fujita - no deal."

Can you believe the nerve of that third world criminal? He's got no room to bargain with me. I'm calling the shots, I told him. After all, I was NEXT OF KIN. He needed me. I was his ticket to fortune. But it was going to cost him.

No deal.

These scam artists are starting to get a little full of themselves, don't you think?

I don't like being told no, so I'm actually thinking about coming down. I'll let you know how it goes.

AGAINST THE LAW SCHOOL

You are not going to believe this shit. The game of Tag has been banned from recess at Willett Elementary School in Attleboro, Massachusetts. Sorry kids...no more, "Tag - you're it!" Someone might get hurt!

But wait, there's more. Also banned is the popular schoolyard pastime of touch football, as well as any other unsupervised games where kids chasing one another may get injured and pose a liability risk to the school. Our nation of laws is beginning to implode as fear of costly litigation squeezes freedom from us one harmless activity after the next.

I don't know about you, but this trend toward sterilizing our kids' physical activities is a little disturbing. We've already got an obesity pandemic in this country - our kids need to be chasing each other MORE, not less. Why would anyone in their right mind think this is a good idea?

"It's a time when accidents can happen," said Willet School Principal Gaylene Heppe. Her new rule is part of a standardized set of playground rules developed to keep kids out of the nurse's office, and the school out of court. Hey Gaylene - you said it, darlin'. ACCIDENTS can happen.

Sadly, this isn't an isolated act. There's apparently a growing movement against the simple schoolyard games you and I played growing up. School administrators around the country started by banning dodgeball, calling it an exclusionary, dangerous game. But kids were not discouraged, and they quickly found other ways to have fun. But this only frustrated those hoping to crush fun in all of its forms, and led to a new round of regulation overkill. Clearly, kids shouldn't be having fun because, as everyone knows, anything that gives you pleasure is bad for you.

This isn't a regional thing, either. In addition to Massachusetts, schools in Cheyenne and Spokane also banned tag at recess this year. It's out of fucking control. One of the primary reasons cited for buckling down on these activities was the avoidance of litigation. School administrators aren't the ones to blame here. They're merely adapting to a dog-sue-dog climate in which everyone's looking for a slice of free pie. Why is it that our reflex as a nation is to sue the moment something happens to us? Do we not understand what it means to forgive? To accept responsibility for our own actions? to understand that the world is a dangerous place and that accidents happen? People get hurt - and it's not always possible to point the finger and say, "YOU...YOU were to blame for this." And how have we decided as a nation that the best way to say "I'm sorry" to someone is with a checkbook?

If kids are chasing one another on the playground, and one of them should fall and scrape a knee, why would any parent reflexively think to sue the the school where the accident occurred? And how are so many administrators learning to fear a generation of such parents? Better safe than sorry, I guess.

The way I see it, these schools, for how ridiculous some of their bullshit schoolyard rules may seem, are only protecting themselves from the growing monster that is unchecked law. Most people have choices, remember. So if parents don't like these pussy-building playground policies, they can try placing their kids in other schools where physical social interaction is encouraged. If every parent did that, these rules would go away. Unfortunately, there are people who will send their kids to these schools BECAUSE they don't let kids play Tag.

[Dr. Rumsfeld asks: How are we going to power our mighty hegemonic war machine in the future if we're raising a nation full of pansies?]

Scary to think how, when I was a kid, I didn't wear a bicycle helmet. I played tackle football in the snowy schoolyard. I didn't even wear a seat belt in the car. There was a different socio-legal climate back then. We didn't feel the need to legislate every aspect of everyday life. People did what they did and lived their lives and every once in a while someone would get hurt, and we'd learn from that - or we wouldn't. And life would go on. Then the media started getting a hold of us - filling us with fear and stuffing numbers down our throats: all reasons to worry. Today there are laws, and rules, and regulations, and guidelines, and codes, and restrictions, and bans on everything. Practically everything you do is legislated in some way - all in the name of protecting us from, ahem, ourselves.

I don't know about you, but I liked things better the way they were. Men were men and so were boys.



Tag.





You're it!

TONGUE TWISTED

DAMN this coffee is strong. I don't understand why. I made it the same way I make it every morning. 10 cups of water in the Krups. One cup of blended kona. I just don't get it.

Unless.

UNLESS.

What if it's not the coffee that's different? What if it's ME? What if my taste buds are suddenly hyper-sensitive? What if I have a superpower I never knew I had? Extreme taste! Yes! And maybe I can use it for good, fighting crime with my extraordinary sense of taste. Folks can call me Flayva Man!

This is gold.

"We've got no leads, detective."

"Bring in that guy. What's his name. Guy with the tongue."

"Flayva Man?"

"Yeah - him. Have him lick this entire room for evidence and let me know what he tastes."

"You got it, detective. Hey Johnson! Get a holda Flayva. No visible clues yet, but I'm betting this place isn't as tasteless as it looks."

LUH-WHO-ZUH-HER

Last week I provided a photo recap of the Bears-Bills game. This week's Bears recap is provided in the form of a link to a clip that is now posted on Wikipedia under references for Arizona Cardinals Head Coach Denny Green. I'm not kidding - history sure gets updated quick these days!

In case you missed his succinct summary of the Monday Night collapse, here it is in a nutshell.

THROWING THE BOMB

Here's some exciting news from the land of terror. A website is claiming that 7 NFL football stadiums will be targeted with radiological dirty bombs this weekend, but don't worry - the government has expressed doubts about the threat.

The warning was posted last week as part of an ongoing Internet conversation creatively titled "New Attack on America Be Afraid." It specifically mentioned NFL stadiums in New York, Miami, Atlanta, Seattle, Houston, Oakland and Cleveland. My first thought was, "Good thing the Bears have a bye this week." (I've actually got tickets to the game the week after next)

The Homeland Security Department has since alerted authorities and stadium owners in those cities, as well as the NFL, of the potential threat, but said that it was being viewed "with strong skepticism." After all, why would terrorists go after teams with a combined record of 13-24? Miami? Cleveland? Houston? Those sporting environments are already polluted enough with poor play - I mean, chances are a dirty bomb wouldn't even be noticed in Oakland.

I personally think there should be a man-law against conducting terrorist activities during NFL operating hours. What do we think - man-law? Launching attacks during NFL games will henceforth be considered a neutral-zone infraction and punishable by 15 yards and a loss of Jihad.

RESTORING CHAOS ONE DAY AT A TIME

JB thinks YouTube was worth every penny Google paid for it, and I'm beginning to see why!

Here's a greatest hits reel Americans can be proud of...

HAIR MANAGEMENT 101

This here's a jam for all the fellas,
Try to do what those ladies tell us...

Yeah, I'm talking about the lesser-known faux-hygienic art of "manscaping." Many of you are not strangers the routine of trimming upper body fur, cutting back the creep of chest hair that pushes like ivy from below your collar line. Some of you may even go so far as to use a straight razor in pulling the hair border back behind your buttons. While these manscaping exercises can make a real aesthetic difference, the girls tell me there are other places we should be directing that blade.

Encroaching back hair, for example, while unavoidable, is entirely manageable. It usually starts as a few stray hairs here and there, which eventually blossom into hair patches over time. For some, these hair patches spread like wildfire until there is complete coverage. And there's nothing you can do about that - it's genetic. But you CAN do something about it once it's there. I find if I do the proper stretching exercises beforehand, I can actually reach most of mine with a disposable razor. Yes, really. Excessive hair on the upper arms and shoulders should also be given your attention if you plan on being outdoors without a shirt - or intimate with someone who might appreciate the added attention to detail. If you can't reach these areas, a little wax treatment can go a long way toward improving your desirability.

Finally, and most importantly, men must become comfortable with the idea of trimming our nether-hedges. It's only fair. If women are expected to keep a tidy hairline down there, we should afford them the same courtesy. It's really not that difficult to do - and the result, I don't mind sharing, is a decidedly more robust-looking package, making the activity a win-win proposition. Here's what you do:

Just grab a fistful of the curly stuff and pull it away from your body. Then run some scissors in the space between and clip. I recommend performing this over a garbage can...and sober. Go ahead and clip it down nice and short. Don't worry - your nuts won't freeze off. Once the excess brush is taken care of, use a straight razor where it makes sense to shape the borders. You could shave the whole thing away if you choose - but that brand of barren manscape is typically reserved for the porno male. I do not recommend the Mr. Clean Machine. But definitely give the rest of that area a good buzz every few weeks - it's easy and relatively safe. I've been doing it for years and have been accident free for most of them.

One final note: Do not ask a barber to trim that up for you.

So there you have it...hair management 101. Your lady will love the new you - you're welcome!

BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Here's an interesting clip. It's a real life Battle of the Album Covers. Thanks to Marky Mark for sharing - who submits that we should not forget to thank drugs for enabling video art of this nature. It's quite creative!

END GAME ON!

North Korea is hosting a nuclear festival and we're all invited! Do you know what you'll be wearing for the big event?

As I'm sure you've been ignoring for the past couple weeks, there's been a nuclear crisis brewing on the Korean peninsula. Hard to get excited about something going on half a world away - but let me tell you, this has the potential to affect everyone.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il has been insane much of his life - and that insanity is peaking at a dangerous time. His country, as you may or may not know, has been insolvent economically since the word "insolvent" was made popular by Social Security and Health Care watchdogs years ago. The country's chief exports are counterfeit cash and military technology. They basically make and sell weapons and cash to whoever will pay for them. And their favorite place to sell is a shady little market on Black Street. Given their penchant for shifty, underworld dealings and a leader known for making mischief, recent reports that they successfully tested a nuclear bomb underground are troubling to say the least - for a multitude of reasons:

1.) First, let's consider the source of this knowledge. The media have proven susceptible time and again to erroneous, fictional reports (reference: Iraq) - so it's important we consider the possibility that these nuclear reports have been fabricated by the CIA, eager to keep hawkish Republican stalwarts in power - remember: the U.S. war machine is in the business of staying in business and is skilled at exploiting mass media for subversive political gain. The more you and I fear the perverse, powerless dictators of corrupt, third world nations, the more power we will turn over to those already in power here. Exhibit A: the erosion of your individual rights...a program brought to you by the Bush Administration, already in progress. I would submit to you that all we have to fear is fear itself - but that's already a matter of public record.

2.) North Korea has stated that sanctions against the rogue nation for nuclear testing are tantamount to a declaration of war. Well, it doesn't take a tenured logician to tell you that the unanimously passed U.N. Security Council resolution imposing sanctions on North Korea is essentially the equivalent of the whole world declaring war on Kim Jong-Il's military cabaret show (love those media-file clips of marching North Korean soliders on the evening news!). If we choose to buy into the North Korean rhetoric, we must acknowledge that we have, as a planet, declared war on that starving nation. So have we or haven't we? They say we have - but most of us missed the memo.

3.) If Illy Jonka DOES have the bomb, what do you suppose he will do with it? Bring it to class for show and tell? Ever since President Bush's private remarks about the 5'3" North Korean leader were made public in Newsweek a few years ago (unflattering, and un-presidentlike to say the least - go look it up!), we've been at the top of their payback (s)hit list. But, North Korea knows it doesn't have to launch a missile toward Hollywood to draw us into a costly conflict overseas. They need only lob a few nukes across the border into South Korea, or in the general direction of the Japanese. The U.S. has stated such an attack would be the equivalent of declaring war against us. So there you have it - everything Kim Jong-Il ever wanted is just a red button away.

4.) Or perhaps a few nuclear suitcases might somehow find their way into the hands of a terrorist. This, of course, is Donald Rumsfeld's "wet dream" scenario - or at least that's the way it appears when he, or Dick Cheney, talks excitedly about it with Tim Russert. Those hard-line war-machine chauffers LOVE the prospect of a nuclear North Korea because it gives the American people someone real to fear. Just as they made us fear Saddam Hussein, who had - count 'em - ZERO weapons of mass destruction, they will make us fear Kim Jong-Il. They are already pushing their talking points on top Republicans, so you can expect a steady stream of fear propaganda in the weeks leading up to the mid-term elections.

5.) Finally, reports of a nuclear bomb detonation by the North Koreans are troubling because that's all they have. That is, presuming they actually have it. (See item #1) There's nothing IN North Korea save cold, barren mountains and millions of starving people suviving on aid shipments. The only two things the government supports over there are the country's robust military and the leader's appetite for the good life. What do you suppose would happen if you raise a dog to fight its entire life by starving it, beating it, and locking it up in a cold, damp basement...and then decide to let it loose in the neighborhood?

It's not all doom and gloom, mind you. There IS a solution to this problem. Are you ready? Kim Jong-Il has a documented fascination with Hollywood. The guy just loves celebrity and the chic V.I.P lifestyle. If we could line up a date with Angelina Jolie (or perhaps he would prefer Ryan Seacrest?), he would abandon his nuclear ambitions in a heartbeat.

But then we'd have to go back to fearing terrorists - and poll numbers reveal that's getting a little stale. Count on the Pentagon and the powers-behind-the-powers that be to stoke the flames of discord in the Far East.

That's what they do best...