Monday, October 31, 2005

DUNKIN' DONUTS WITH SHAKA BAWA

The set-up:

I recently saw a nightly news program segment warning people against the many Internet scams coming out of Nigeria, where scam artists with only a rough grasp of the English language are somehow talking “greedy” Americans into sharing their person banking information.

After receiving one such scam e-mail, I decided to have a little fun with the bandit on the other end. What follows is the complete, unedited conversation I had with an enterprising gentleman named Shaka Bawa.


****************The Original Scam E-mail*****************

FOR YOUR KIND ATTENTION.

COULD YOU PLEASE CONSIDER TO HELP ME TO RELOCATE THIS SUM OF TEN MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS(US$10.5m) TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR ESTABLISHING A MEDIUM SIZE INDUSTRY IN YOUR COUNTRY.

THE SAID 10.5 MILLION DOLLARS WAS DEPOSITED IN OUR SECURITY COMPANY BY MR.ANDREAS SCHRANNER,A GERMAN CITIZEN WHO DIED IN A PLANE CRASH IN 2000.WE HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT HIS IMMEDIATE FAMILY TO COME FORWARD FOR CLAIMS BUT COULD NOT SUCCEED.WE DISCORVERED THAT THE LATE GERMAN DIED ALONG SIDE WITH HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN WHO SUPPOSED TO BE HIS NEXT OF KIN.

CLICK HERE(http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm)

I WILL GIVE YOU ALL VITAL INFORMATION CONCERNING THE GERMAN AND THE 10.5 MILLION DOLLARS IN OUR CUSTODY SO THAT YOU WILL CONTACT OUR COMPANY FOR THEM TO RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU.YOU CAN COME HERE IN PERSON OR YOU CAN REQUEST THE COMPANY TO SHIP THE FUNDS TO YOU IN YOUR COUNTRY DIPLOMATICALY.

I AM A MANAGER IN THIS COMPANY,I WILL PLAY A ROLE TO MAKE SURE THAT THE 10.5 MILLION DOLLARS IS RELEASED TO YOU.AS SOON AS I RECIEVE YOUR REPLY,I WILL GIVE YOU A DRAFT APPLICATION WHICH YOU WILL FORWARD TO OUR COMPANY.REPLY AND LET ME KNOW YOUR FULL NAME,AGE,ADDRESS,OCCUPATION,YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS IF AVALIABLE.

I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.

MR.BAWA.


****************My Initial Response*****************

Mr. Bawa,

Please help me understand what you would like for me to do. I do not understand your request.

Thomas Mann



****************Shaka Bawa's Response*****************


Dear Thomas Mann,
It is my pleasure to reply the mail which you send to me.thank you for your kind interest to help me.

my assurance to you is that i am a manager in this company.i am responsible to review any application concerning this claim and give recommendations to the company to release the fund to the person.meaning that your application is coming directly to my department and i will give you all the information about the late customer which the company will require from you as proof that you know the late customer.

i am contacting you for this business considering the fact that you are a foreigner.the deceased person is also a foreigner,the company where i work will consider a foreign application.

what i want you to do now is to apply as a business associate to the late customer and request the company to release the funds and ship to you in your destination or any nearby destination.i will draft the application for you and you will fill it and send to the company through the company email address which i will provide.i will send the draft application to you as soon as you reply this mail.

The company will ask you some questions concerning the late customer to know if you can give correct information about the late customer.you will forward the questions to me and i will give you the correct answers for you to give to the company for approval.

as soon as you recieve the 10.5 million dollars,both of us will discuss on how to build an ultra model clinic in your country or anywhere else.or we may choose to invest the money in any other lucrative business.be assured i am 100% behind the success of this business.always follow my instructions.

thank you for your understanding.my tel.number is +226 78 86 76 47.give me a call.i want to hear your voice.get back to me as soon as posible.my kind regards.

Bawa.



****************My Eager Reply*****************



Thank you, Bawa, for your response. I am eager to assist you with regard to this opportunity. I cannot call you, however, as I am at work and the number you have provided is not toll-free. But if you will send the draft application, I will be most happy to provide the information necessary to complete the transaction.

I have another question. Will I be able to use the money to start my own Dunkin Donuts franchise here in my home town? We love donuts here and do not currently have a place that makes them fresh daily. Dunkin Donuts also has 9 flavors of coffee now and my wife thinks that a Dunkin Donuts on Beech Street would make a lot of money. Do you think this is possible or do we have to use it all to build an “ultra model clinic”? Because if this is the case, I will need you to explain to me what an ultra model clinic is. Does it involve flash photography? I take very good pictures, if so.

Okay, then. Thanks for your response. I look forward to receiving the draft application and your answers.

Thomas Mann



****************Shaka Bawa's Courteous Response*****************



Dear Thomas Mann,

i thank you so much for your prompt responds to my mail. i am writing to answer the few questions that you ask in regards to the business at hand.

your idea in the Dunkin Donuts franchise is duely wellcomed. we can not invest all the money in the hospital project. i only suggested the hospital project, it does not mean that we must build a hospital.

you knows your country more than i do, you are in the best position to know what nature of investment that can be lucrative there in your country.

in my opinion,the Dunkin Donuts franchise business should be number one.we can decide to invest part of the money in any other business that will yield profit.

ultra modern hospital simply means a modern hospital.it does not require photographs.i use the word ultra modern to qualify the type of hospital i needed.it is not compulsory that we must build a hospital.let us invest in any project that will help us.

i have drafted the application for you.fill it and send to the company and get back to me.extend my greetings to your beloved wife.my wife sent her regards to your family.
my kind and profond regards.

Bawa.



****************My Playful Reply*****************


Dear Bawa,

Thank you for clarifying the projects we would like to be building. I agree that a Dunkin Donuts is more important than a hospital and we should immediately begin the processes of building one on Beech Street in my neighborhood. They also serve croissant breakfast sandwiches that are very good and I would hope that one day you will come and try one. You will not be disappointed. The croissants are light and buttery to taste, and ultra delicious. My wife thinks that hospitals are a big scam in this country anyway because their prices are not for regular people like you and me, but for the greedy insurance companies instead. So let us build an ultra modern Dunkin Donuts instead and make a lot of money selling breakfast food to busy people!

I see you have also sent an e-mail with the application. Let me review it with my wife and see if we have any more questions.

Sincerely,

Thomas Mann



****************Shaka Bawa's Application E-Mail*****************



FILL THE BELOW APPLICATION AND EMAIL IT TO THE COMPANY. CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY AS SOON AS YOU SEND IT.

PLEASE NOTE THAT THE COMPANY EMAIL ADDRESS IS


sec_guard_company@yahoo.com

or

securityguardbf@fsmail.net


THE TEXT OF APPLICATION.

ATTN.DR.BUKALA WOKOH.
THE DIRECTOR,GLOBAL SECURITY GUARD COMPANY,
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.

SIR,
APPLICATION OF INHERITANCE
I AM THE COUSIN/BUSINESS PARTNER TO YOUR DECEACED CUSTOMER MR.ANDREAS SCHRANNER WHO DIED IN A PLANE CRASH IN 2000.APART FROM BEING MY COUSIN,WE ARE ALSO ENGAGED IN REAL ESTATE/PROPERTY MANAGEMENT TOGETHER WITH EXPORTATION OF SOLID MINERALS.
MR.ANDREAS SCHRANNER HOLDS THE ACCOUNT NUMBER GSGCBF/GBX89.I HEREBY SOLICIT FOR THE RELEASE OF HIS US$10.5 MILLION DOLLARS FROM THE ABOVE MENTIONED ACCOUNT AND ALSO SHIP THE SAME TO ME USING THE BELOW INFORMATION.


NAME......................

AGE.......................

OCCUPATION................

ADDRESS........................

TELEPHONE NO.................


I WISH MY APPLICATION BE GIVEN AN URGENT ATTENTION.ACCEPT MY APOLOGY FOR THE LATE APPLICATION.IT WAS DUE TO SOME LOGISTIC PROBLEMS WHICH HAVE BEEN REGULATED RECENTLY.
THANKING YOU FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED CO-OPERATION.
YOURS FAITHFULY,

Bawa



****************My Concerned Reply*****************



Bawa,

We have reviewed the application and my wife is now telling me that we need more information from you before we move forward. She says she feels uncomfortable doing business with someone she barely knows. I do not share her concerns because I trust the good in all people, but because I love her very much I need to ask you a few questions before completing the application.

She would like to know your name, age, and occupation. And so that she feels she knows you better, she would like to know your favorite color, favorite leisure activity, and the names of any pets you may have at home. We have two pet cats named Sallie Mae and Freddie Mac, and a parakeet named Maxwell Smart. I know this sounds very silly, but I think it will help my wife feel more comfortable doing business with someone she has never met.

I look forward to making many donuts with you,

Thomas Mann



****************Shaka Bawa's Polite Response*****************



Dear Thomas Mann,
i thank you so much for your prompt responds.i am writing to satisfy the conscience of your wife as regards knowing whom i am.

as i told you in my proposal,i am a manager working with the security guard company burkina faso where the deceased person deposited the us$10.5 million dollars.

my name is Mr.Shaka bawah.i am 49 married with 3 children.i live in fada ngourma zone 5 area 311. my phone number is +226 78 86 76 47.

i want to tell you categoricaly that i love all colours,though blue is my favorite.this is business,we do not have to go into that extent as it has got nothing to do with our project.

i love domestic animals(dogs),i have one that guides my home while we are away.i have leisure in fishing and watching soccer.

i will like us to execute this business and become life time family friends.send the application and get back to me.my regards to your wife and entire family.let me know what your intended project will cost.i hope and believe that the 10.5 million dollars will be in your hands in 7 working days should you comply with all my instruction.i wait for your reply.

Shaka Bawah.



****************My Enthusiastic Response*****************


Bawa,

I must say thank you for sharing with me these personal details of your life. My wife feels much better now to know you in this way and we both look forward to our partnership together. We have already told our neighbors about the plans to bring a Dunkin Donuts shop to our neighborhood and they are very excited for us. Especially Merle, who is known for his sweet tooth. In fact, they would like also to do business with us!

I do have one final concern regarding the application you would like for us to complete. Will this be a legal transaction? I spent much of 1983 in jail because of some livestock problems. It was a horrible experience I would like to avoid if possible. If you can assure me this is a legitimate transaction, I think we will be ready to proceed with the transfer and start our business life together.

Your friend,

Thomas



****************Shaka Bawa's Confident Reply*****************



Dear Thomas Mann,

i thank you also for your understanding.extend my greetings to your beloved wife.

i am writing this time to assure you that this business is legal.all that the company requires from you is correct information about the deceased person of which,i am here to provide you with such information.

i am 100% sure that both of us will not encounter any problem.i am 100% involved of which,i have prepared grounds for a perfect execution of this transaction.your application is coming to my department.i am responsible to look into your application and give recomendation to the company to release and transfer this funds to you in your destination.

always adhere to my instructions as they will be of help to this business.be assured that you will confirm this funds in your hands before the end of next week.i will mount pressure from here to make sure that the funds are released to you.

i am of the opinion that we open the Dunkin Donuts shop in other good areas where the need is required.you will use this opportunity to make some market surveys and see where we can open other shops.i will use my time here to think of any other good project.but for now,let us open atleast,three or four shops.the shops could be opened in other cities.

fill and send the application to the company and inform me.endeavour to forward to me whatever question the company may ask you in this regards.i will give you the correct answers.be assured that i have perfected everything before contacting you.my kind regards.

Bawa.


********************


No reply from me for two days (playing hard to get)



****************Shaka Bawa's Concerned E-mail*****************



Dear Thomas Mann,

i am yet to hear from you as regards the application.update me.

Bawa.



****************My Final Response*****************

Bawa,

I must begin with an apology.

My name is not Thomas Mann – it is Michael Landon. I am not really a painter by trade, and I do not have a cautious, curious wife who loves Dunkin Donuts. That was a cover story utilized to engage you in discourse, not unlike the remarkably wild tale you invented to encourage a response from me.

In truth, I am a member of the United Nations’ new International Task Force fighting Internet fraud, CyberStrike. CyberStrike has been investigating claims of fraudulent e-mails originating from your country for 8 months. We are in the surveillance phase of the operation – collecting e-mail account information, known pseudonyms, IP addresses, Internet routing coordinates, and other information that will enable us to pinpoint the location of individuals across the globe who have been soliciting personal information from unwary Internet users for the purpose of making illegal withdrawals from financial accounts.

This final electronic correspondence is to inform you that CyberStrike has successfully completed phase one and is scheduled to launch a comprehensive crackdown of all such illegal activity at the beginning of the new year that starts January 1st, 2006. The U.N. goal is to apprehend and prosecute all individuals engaged in the practice of international fraud, including the confiscation of all computer equipment, and the freezing of all assets.

Thanks to your many responses to my e-mails, you have been marked as a live individual, and are therefore subject to indictment under international law for attempted fraud, attempted identity theft, embezzlement, and a host of lesser, related charges. This e-mail is a courtesy warning to cease and desist all such communications at once or face strict penalties. CyberStrike is currently working with a team of undercover operations specialists who will be exercising a sweep in your area in the coming months. You can plan to be in police custody some time before April of 2006.

Kind regards and best wishes,

Michael Landon
a.k.a Thomas Mann

3 comments:

Sideshow said...

Ultra hysterical.

Peter N said...

I did much the same thing with a potential spammer a couple years ago, but your's is a more detailed example of hilarity.

Anonymous said...

Well done. Years ago, I once received one of these purporting to come from some poor soul in Angola. As it happens, I speak and write Portuguese, so I answered the email in Portuguese... you know, the official language of Angola? Still waiting to hear back on that one...

I SEE YOU!