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You know what I'm REALLY good at? Pissing in the dark. An underdeveloped skill in most people, I can piss with expert precision in zero-illumination environments. I wasn't always this sharp a marksman. There was a time it took me several test blasts before I was able to hone in on the porcelain target. But now I have everything worked out.

Why would anyone want to piss in the dark? Because when you're still half asleep at four in the morning, flipping on a light switch and blasting fully dilated pupils with 75 watts can be downright painful. Sometimes you just want to meander in, piss, and meander back to bed with your eyes closed - as if sleepwalking. Makes the exercise less disruptive to an otherwise good night's rest. Here's what I do:

I take small steps up to the pot until I can feel the cold porcelain touching my shins. I adjust my position so the coldness feels equally spaced. Once centered, I take a half step back with each foot to create a little distance. I fish Nemo out of hiding, stretch him fully to clear the urethra for safe passage, direct him straight out to where I imagine the back of the bowl is, then straight down at the floor, then bring him back up half way between the two points at what I would estimate to be a 45 degree angle. I relax the smooth muscles and whiz away. As the stream hits the water, I gauge my proximity from the center by sound - like a bat echo-mapping its way through the darkness. This enables me to fine tune my stream, preventing excess mist from accumulating on the rim.

As I feel myself nearing completion, I lean forward slightly to ensure my entire unit is above the bowl, directing Nemo straight down to squeeze out those last few drops. Urination complete, I stuff him back into my boxers and reach forward to flush. From my sonar exercises I know precisely where the handle is. And then I shuffle back to bed with an empty bladder for several more hours of peaceful slumber.