HERE COMES OLD MAN WINTER!

The winter solstice is fast approaching and I wanted to remind everyone to eat their cheese.

Because the earth is tilted on its axis, the northern and southern hemispheres do not enjoy equal access to the sun’s light and heat year round. So we have to SHARE. If only the folks in the Middle East could work on the same principle, there’d be a whole lot more peace. Half the year Jerusalem belongs to the Jews, the other half the year it belongs to the Muslims. See how the earth does it with the sun? It’s easy!

But back to our place in the cosmos. While one half of our spinning orb is blessed with extra sunshine this time of the year, the other is cursed with bonus darkness. And that added darkness can really add up. In fact, a lot of people end up suffering from something called Seasonal Affective Disorder this time of year. It’s a condition caused by lack of exposure to natural sunlight…combined, of course, with all the normal shit that makes this time of year suck: long lines, bad traffic, crappy customer service, slush, sub-zero wind chills, retail stampedes, strollers at the mall, annoying commercial jingles playing over and over and over again, advertisers trying to convince me that giving a Lexus as a gift is a good idea, etc. Never mind the decrease in sunlight, rampant seasonal consumerism is depressing enough!

But Seasonal Affective Disorder is real, and people suffering from it report having many of the symptoms of clinical depression:

- Constant buzzkill sensation
- Excessive sleeping
- Excessive eating
- Weight gain
- Craving for strarchy, sugary foods
- Lack of motivation
- General intolerance for Ben Affleck

If this short list describes you, fear not – the symptoms typically subside come March. That's when panic usually kicks in as you realize you've got just 60 days to squeeze into a bathing suit.

So why is S.A.D. such a common phenomenon? As the seasons change, so do our circadian rhythms. Circadian Rhythms are the body’s normal changes over a 24-hour period. Most of these changes are automatic, controlled by a biological clock we aren’t even aware is ticking. Your clock helps regulate things like body temperature, hormones, sleep patterns, feeding patterns, cell regeneration, and much more. As our exposure to sunlight changes, our biorhythms adjust accordingly. For example, the body’s level of melatonin typically increases with darkness, making us feel naturally drowsy. If it gets darker earlier, we get sleepier earlier as a result. That’s one of the reasons we feel so damn lethargic in the dead of winter. As the sun goes down, we find ourselves POOPING out instead of going out.

Here’s an interesting side note. Through light deprivation experiments, scientists have learned something I find creepy. Our biological clocks actually operate on a 25-hour cycle, not 24. So it’s only natural that we’re gong to be off from time to time. Or is it? Why are we set to a 25 hour cycle when our days are and always have been 24 hours? Is that a magic number of some kind? There’s a screenplay in this – I can feel it.

Anyhow, for those of us stuck in the northern hemisphere this time of year, we’re fast approaching what will be our farthest point from the sun. It occurs every year between December 20 and 22 and is called the winter solstice. You and I know it as the shortest day of the year. In Chicago, there will be just 9 hours and 20 minutes of sunlight on that day. Just remember to eat your cheese and you'll be fine. I recommend Taco Bell. In fact I'm rewriting the lyrics to Silver Bells to pay tribute to the fast food palace.

Taco Bells. Taco Bells. It's feeding time for my belly.
Nachos please. Extra Cheese. Soon I will be very full.

Hark to the Bells!

Here comes old man winter! Hide! No - don't hide. Hit him with a snowball in the head. Yeah! Fuck you, old man winter!

GOOD FOR YOU

Seems like everywhere you turn these days you're faced with more bad news. Postage is going up to .39 cents in January. Interest rates are still on the rise. People dying over here. People dying over there. Fires, floods, and famine. Abduction, murder, and conspiracy. Job cuts. Pollution. Terror. Price gouging. Deadly tuna. Gridlock. Red tape. Filibusters. Nuclear threats. Scandal. Rape. Arrest. Conviction. Execution. Environmental disaster. Health risks. Epidemics. Warning after warning after warning.

For those of you sick of being inundated daily with news stories full of fear and smear, here’s a little good news for a change. It’s a web site that aggregates good news only. Nice to see some folks are looking on the bright side for a change. After all, there’s a lot of good going on out there, too!

Thanks to Dr. Faber for sharing this gem.

FIGURES OF SPEECH THERAPY

Who came up with the phrase “screwed the pooch”? Someone used it the other day here at the office and it got me thinking, how did making a blunder become associated with having sex with a dog? I’m not an expert on bestiality, but it would seem to me that if you’re having relations with a canine, you KNOW you’re having relations with a canine. Make no mistake about it – that’s an intentional act.

“They printed off the wrong presentation deck before heading to the airport? That sucks – sounds like they really screwed the pooch this time.”

A statement like this one doesn’t really seem to work, as sex with a dog doesn’t signify “catastrophic blunder” to me. “Screw the pooch” sounds more like an intentional act so embarrassing the committing individual can’t tell anyone about it. As in:

“High Grant got caught soliciting oral from a prostitute? Man, did he screw the pooch!”

That seems a little more accurate to me…but in such cases we walk a fine line between the literal and the metaphorical. “Screw the pooch” is simply not an easy expression to pull off, which is why I recommend this colorful phrase be retired and replaced with something a little more universal in appeal – like the standard go-to phrase “fucked up.”

That way there’s no confusion over whether there was an error made or whether someone just did something grossly unacceptable, like pork the pet.

If someone told me this guy "screwed the pooch," I'd believe it!

For your files, I did look up the origin of the phrase and it turns out it's a derivative of the old phrase "fuck the dog," which originally meant to waste time, or loaf around on the job. In addition to being a little more abrasive, the original expression doesn't work so well in its intended context. A friend just called me at work and asked what I was up to. "Not a whole lot," I said. "Just fucking the dog."

That opened up a line of questions I'd rather not get into. All you need to know is that confusion can be safely avoided by sticking to more widely accepted figures of speech.

SEASON'S FEETING'S

I’ve got a pair of quitters on this morning and they’ve been driving me up the fucking wall. Don't play coy with me - you know what I’m talking about. Quitters ... older socks that no longer have the elastic wherewithal to stay up around your calves. Nobody likes a quitter, Danny.

Yeah…all morning these bastards have been sliding down my calves and hugging my Achilles like an ankle scrunchie. It totally sucks. I’m walking around like I’m doing leg lifts with 4oz. cotton ankle weights. I keep pulling them back up in the hope that “this time” they’ll stay up. But they never do. Within minutes they ooze back down my leg and open up like a Venus Flytrap.

It’s definitely time for new socks.

Speaking of which, socks are item numero uno on my Christmas list. Yes, CHRISTMAS list. Not holiday list. Strange how socks were the last thing in the world I wanted to open up on Christmas morning – and here I am today ASKING for them. Sign numer #425 that I'm getting old, right between a sunburned scalp and random acts of flatulence. I still remember my great grandmother giving me a large package of white tube socks when I was just a pup. I don’t think I could have been more disappointed. Good thing I was taught at an early age to feign excitement in the face of great disappointment. In hindsight, I may have been a little over the top.

“Socks? Socks?!?! SWEET! Socks! I LOVE socks. I can’t wait to try these on!”

And I didn’t wait to try them on, to the olfactory displeasure of the entire extended familial unit. I’ve always been good at that…trying on gifts of clothing right then and there. It’s a risk, to be sure, because you never really know how something is going to fit. But I’ve always known how to mitigate those risks – rolling the sleeves up, sucking the waist in, tucking, fluffing, etc. Sometimes I’d try something on knowing full well it would be the only time I’d ever be caught dead in it. But that’s a courtesy I've never minded extending in the spirit of the season. I'm considerate like that.

"This is the coolest belt ever! No, it's not too big. I'll just have to eat more!"

Fortunately, socks are easy. I don’t bother matching them most days, so what they look like matters little. All I ask is that they hold on for one more day. There's a little Wilson Philips action for ya. You love it, don't lie.

If you’d like to send me some socks, or a CHRISTMAS card, I’d LOVE to get one from you. Just mail your crisp dollar bill to:

My favorite monkey, AYNtK
1460 N. Sandburg Terrace, #2009
Chicago, IL 60610

CHUCK WAGGIN'

There’s a lot of shit online these days that makes absolutely no sense to me. But this link speaks for itself. I don’t know how you teach judo to a dog, but I would imagine it takes a great deal of patience. These canines kick ass!

WARNING: DO NOT DRINK OR EAT WHEN YOU CLICK THE ABOVE LINK. CONTENT IS SO UNEXPECTEDLY FUNNY, YOU MAY SPIT SOUP OR RC COLA ALL OVER YOUR KEYBOARD, MONITOR, AND CORDUROY PANTS.

GO FISH!

Leaving my apartment, I noticed the headline on this morning's Chicago Tribune lying outside my neighbor's door.

How safe is tuna?

How SAFE is TUNA? Not safe at all, I'd say. We keep catching them and eating them. I sure wouldn't want to be a tuna fish in today's world. In addition to all the bigger fish and sharks out there making meals out of the shiny bastards, they've got to keep a big eye out for insatiable land-borne predators who keep dragging nets through their backyards - harvesting their children so we can hungrily mash them into salad. Yeah - now is not a good time to be a tuna. Tuna is not safe at all.

What? Oh. It doesn't? I get it now. Ha. I'm so silly. How safe is tuna to EAT. I get it. Why didn't they just say that in the first place? That changes the meaning entirely.

Wait a second. How safe is TUNA? Shit! I eat tuna all the time. I've even been working on a secret holiday recipe for extra creamy tuna butter bread spread. It's going to be fishtacular. Nothing like a tuna butter and caviar jelly sandwich!

I'd better read this article here. I hope it's online.

It is. Okay, let's see. WHAT?!?! Tuna contains unsafe levels of metal? Come on. Nevermind how safe tuna is, how UNSAFE is metal? Metal is tough and hearty - chock full of the good stuff, right?

For YEARS, medical experts have been touting fish as a good low-fat source of proteins and omega-3 fatty acids, presumed to help prevent heart disease. Now it's loaded with mercury and unhealthy. Is this story for real or just another media scare drummed up to create widespread public panic for no reason? Hard to tell these days. All I know is I'm not going to stop eating tuna until refrigerator magnets start sticking to my tummy. Of course, by then I'm sure it'll be too late. And you just know someone is gonna sue, to the tuna a lot of money.

Maybe then the tuna will be safe again. To swim, that is.

Hey Cletus, what's all this business I hear about tuna?

I don't know, Ralphie, but I don't like it. If we can't eat tuna anymore, we may need to consider dragging down some of those curious bipeds always handing us poisoned fish. Fuckers.

GEORGE W. BUBBLE

I have no idea what this is, why it is so amusing, or how it managed to keep me occupied for so long. But I share it with you because you need to know it is out there. Thanks to my Windy City neighbors Cindy & Steve for this time-waster…

(Hint: Make sure you click and drag to make the most out of this seemingly pointless cyber-experience!)

NOTES FROM THE FOXXHOLE

Have you ever walked into your home at the end of a long day and it was so messy the theme song from Sanford and Son started playing in your head? Happened to me last night and I nearly shit my pants laughing. Yes, my condo unit is a junkyard. The furniture is all helter skelter and piled high with papers, boxes, and assorted crap. And the clothes – it looks like a Samsonite exploded. Boxer shorts, dirty socks, and t-shirts are everywhere – hanging on doorknobs, draped over chairs, and fencing in the dust bunnies that live in the corners. I will spare you a description of the smell – at least until I have identified its origin.

Stumbling in on that mess last night was made even worse by the fact that it took me a mind-numbing hour and a half to get home from work. I’ve actually WALKED to my office in less time than that. But that’s what snow during rush hour does. It activates the “idiot” gene in people, an impairment far more dangerous than any amount of alcohol one could consume. People start disregarding traffic signals altogether. They drive along the dotted line in the middle of the road. They blow red lights, block intersections, and fishtail like the Duke boys out of frustration – all without wiping the snow off their side and back windows. Makes for a real happy fucking holiday season. I actually lucked out for a little while when I managed to swing into the wake created by a passing ambulance. Then some jackass cut me off and started letting all the slow-pokes creep back in front of us. Moron. If you’re going to follow an ambulance, you gotta stick close and make it count.

Oh well – I’m glad that episode is over. Next time I’ll know to walk. Okay, time to clean up the junkyard.

Oh dis is da big one!

FOCUS POCUS

Stay focused on one thing and you’ll miss everything else.

QUEEN ANN: I.Q. > YOURS

Super conservative columnist Ann Coulter sells a lot of books, but she also boils a lot of blood. She’s essentially made a living out of skewering people who don’t share her political beliefs. And every so often, the people skewer her right back. Take this week, for example. She had to cut short a speech she was delivering at the University of Connecticut thanks to a chorus of boos and jeers. But the good part is what happened next. Instead of storming off in a fit of absolute righteousness, she decided to hold an impromptu question-and-answer session instead, adding:

“I love to engage in repartee with people who are stupider than I am.”

Of course she does - it doesn't happen very often. Hey - at least she’s admitting she’s stupid. I sense healing may be underway.

If you’re a big Ann Coulter fan, you’ll probably want to avoid the following blogger post, which is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.





This is Ann Coulter. No word on whether she has eaten since this photo was taken.

DREAMS OF THE ANGELMAKER

Here comes the snow

(Little darlin’)

Here comes the snow

(And I say)



It’s all white.

PRESIDENT AHMADINEJAD FALLS OFF THE WELCOME WAGON

It’s not often that the president of Iran and I agree. In fact, we usually end up getting into a heated shouting match, then fisticuffs. And his bodyguards are not gentle in pulling us apart, let me tell you. He’s a spirited bastard, that guy. But this is all beside the point, which I was going to make but forgot.

Oh yeah. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said a few things today that really had me nodding my head in agreement. If we had been in the same room, I might have knocked fists with him. Just for the cameras, though. I’m really not down with the whole Iran clan.

Anyhow, Mahmoud basically said that if Germany and Austria feel responsible for massacring Jews during World War II, then the state of Israel should be on THEIR soil instead of smack dab in the Middle East where no one feels responsible for the holocaust (or sorry about it, if they believe it happened at all). It’s a ludicrous proposition because it would never happen – but one that merits a little discussion. At least that’s what my monkey tells me. So here we go.

Let’s start with the source. To say he’s a little biased here is to say Elton John is a little gay. This Mahmoud character is the same guy who drew widespread international criticism a couple months ago when he said Israel “must be wiped off the map.” It appears he’s softened his rhetoric a little bit, now just calling for a relocation. And I bet he’d even rent a truck and help them move a few boxes if asked. A real helpful guy. Now, some folks may be thinking I am out of my MIND, wondering how in Hades moving Israel to another locale is a reasonable solution to the mid-east peace problem. Don’t worry, Mahmoud has it all worked out. But for logic’s sake, a little background is necessary.

For those of you unfamiliar, Israel was not a sovereign state until 1947 – the same year the television was invented, and aren’t our lives a whole lot richer for that? Amen. Anyhow, when the Brits divvied up the spoils following World Wars Uno y Dos and started redrawing boundaries, there were a few things they didn’t really take into consideration – minor things like the PEOPLE living there. It’s true. There were PEOPLE living in Israel before it was Israel. Can you imagine that? Yeah – kinda sucked to be them. And yes, by most accounts, it still does.

As it happens, from Sudan to India and all across the Middle East, most of today’s global hot spots can be traced back to myopic British map-alterations. But that’s a startling revelation I’ll save for the day after I’m dead.

Today we’re considering the logic behind Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s (pronounced: “President Whats-his-fuck”) controversial suggestion. Here are a number of excerpts for your reference:

“Now that you believe the Jews were oppressed, why should the Palestinian Muslims have to pay the price? Why did you come to give a piece of Islamic land and the territory of the Palestinian people to them? You oppressed them, so give a part of Europe to the Zionist regime so they can establish any government they want. We would support it. So, Germany and Austria, come and give one, two or any number of your provinces to the Zionist regime so they can create a country there which all of Europe will support and the problem will be solved at its root. Why do they insist on imposing themselves on other powers and creating a tumour so there is always tension and conflict?"

You know – that’s not horrible logic when you think about it. Of all the places in the world to pitch a tent, why there? Israel exists where it is because that’s where the nomadic Zionists wanted to be. It is, after all, according to religion, the “promised land.” So, to get it back, they made friends in high places (British Parliament) and when it came time to carve out a little slice of heaven called Israel, they were more or less given that controversial strip of terra firma – never mind the folks already chilling there. There’s been nothing but rock-throwing, fighting, shooting, suicide bombing, house razing, and war since. None of which is good for property values, as I’m sure you know.

So that’s why I’m really feeling President Whats-his-fuck’s solution. He’s putting it back on the Europeans – the people who started the whole mess by giving Israel Israel in the first place. He’s saying, you wanted to give these people their own country, and that’s great, and good for you – but for Allah’s sake, why’d you take from us to give to them?

Although the argument is somewhat logical from that perspective, the Jews would never go for it. Give up the rocky, barren Promised Land for a beautiful wooded plot in Austria? No way. After all, the Jews say it was THEIRS before it was ever the Palestinans. They way they look at it, they're just taking back what is rightfully theirs. Yes, rightfully. That's divine right I'm talking about there. A decision from the court of heaven. Hard to talk people into compromise when they're convinced they have a God-given right to something. The whole thing is about as hopeless as Terrell Owens discovering humility.

UNLESS.

Unless there was a way to transport the “holy” out of the holy land. I don’t know how exactly – I haven’t done all the math. But can’t they just cart off pieces of Jerusalem on a flatbed truck? Come on! I’ve seen pre-fab homes cruising down the Interstate in halves – can’t we just extract portions of sacred ground and move them? The Palestinians wouldn’t have much use for those temples anyhow. Better they be carted off with old religious buildings, statues, and other assorted holy landmarks. We can do this. I know we can. Who’s with me?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Damn it. I’m only trying to help. I just want everybody to get along! Oh well, back to the drawing board. And NO – the Brits are not invited to the drawing board. Haven’t they created enough controversy already? As for President Whats-his-fuck, I’m thinking the Swiss will invade Luxemburg before the Jews move to Austria. Nice try, but – as they say – no cigar.

I CAN FEEL IT

I am getting fat.

Happy can't be far behind!

SEARCH PARTY

Here’s a multiple-personality search engine you should check out. They combine the results of Google and Yahoo! Search on a single screen. I find it interesting how the results vary between the two based on an identical string of keywords. I must say, Yahoo! outperformed Google in 4 out of 5 searches I performed, delivering websites that more precisely matched what I was searching.

Try it yourself. Minutes of hot action!

NEW RESEARCH LINKS OVEREATING TO OBESITY

Startling new research suggests there is a strong link between consuming excessive food and becoming overweight. Scientists at the Delaware University of Health (DUH) revealed Wednesday the results of a 5-year study in which they tracked the eating behavior of 1,500 very hungry people. Lead researcher Dr. Robert Kruller says the findings are revolutionary.

"What we are seeing is a dramatic correlation between body weight and food consumption," Kruller noted. "It appears as though the more our subjects eat, the heavier they become. It's quite astonishing really."

One variable seemed to play a mitigating role, however. Exercise.

"Remarkably, those subjects who increased their level of physical activity during the research period gained little to no extra weight. It was as if the food they were eating just burned up."

Although they say they're not exactly sure how the pieces all fit together, they feel the results point them in the right direction.

"Obesity is fast becoming epidemic here in America, and we need to get to the bottom of it. This study measurably demonstrates that food intake may be playing a significant role. We're very excited about the results."

TWO HOT GUYS AND A SMOKIN CHICK

Simply delicious!

BROKEN WIND CHIMES

For those of you who've been wondering, it IS possible to burp and fart at the same time. It took me a few tries to get the timing down right, the dual exhaust thing can definitely happen. I recommend practicing for tone in the privacy of a restroom before bringing your gasymphony to the masses. I finally think I'm ready for the big show!

SADDAM TO APPEAR ON FEAR FACTOR

BAGHDAD, Iraq –A witness in the trial against Saddam Hussein testified Monday that the former president's agents carried out random arrests, torture, and killings. No loud courtroom “gasps” were reported following this testimony. But in one of his many courtroom outbursts, Saddam defended his “Death to people I don’t like” policy, loudly declaring in his best Jack Nicholson, “I am not afraid of execution!”

Perhaps lost in translation was the fact that Saddam is expected to be on the receiving end this time around.

When pressed on the issue of death, the health consequences of which are generally accepted as irreversible, Saddam said he would prove he is truly fearless by becoming a contestant on celebrity dictator episode of Fear Factor.

Cuba's Fidel Castro and North Korea's Kim Jong-Il will be joining Hussein as the three gross each other out for a shot at 50,000 U.S. clams. Joe Rogan, host of the NBC reality show, was reluctant to reveal the stunts, but offered: "It's going to be wicked cool. We really wanted to push the envelope with these guys. I mean, they're ruthless. They're insane. They're going to be willing to do some stuff most normal people wouldn't even consider."

Rogan dismissed rumors that the first stunt would involve dining on a cadaver. "That's crazy, dude. Who told you that? Was he a tall dude with glasses? Don't print that. This is off the record. Seriously. Who told you that shit?"

SUPERSIZE YOUR FRIDAY

It’s been a busy week, my friends. Glad it's almost over.

The first face transplant was performed this week, and surprisingly, Joan Rivers was not involved. I would have thought she'd have been higher on the list.

Blackberry users found out they may no longer be getting e-mail service on their personal hand-held communications pieces – electronic devices so addictive they’re often called Crackberries. If you need access to e-mail every minute of every day, you’re either doing something illegal or you need intense therapy. In my case, it’s therapy – possibly because I don’t have a crackberry. I love e-mail. Really. When's the last time YOU sent me one, you bastard?

Oprah showed up on Letterman last night. Yeah – I got sucked into watching that crap, too. Kind of anticlimactic, no? After all the fuss about this supposed “feud” between the two, they could have at least arm-wrestled or something. Or sumo wrestled in a vat of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Russia is selling missiles to Iran, but most Americans are too troubled by the Nick and Jessica break-up to concern themselves with such trivial matters.

President Bush laid out his roadmap to victory in Iraq in a speech entitled “Déjà Vu” because most of us remember him declaring victory a year and a half ago. Maybe someone should help him with his "roadmap" so he doesn't keep taking us in circles.

I tweaked a nerve in my back this week and ended up at the chiropractor, where I practically had to sign a two-year contract for treatment before the bastard would “adjust” me. What’s all this “wellness” crap – just punch me in the spine already and send me home. I'm not looking for a partner in health here - I just want the fucking pain to stop. But job security is a powerful incentive, so I forgive him...even if I don't plan on going back.

Jennifer Garner had her baby, but had a hard time naming it since she herself goes by an alias.

And then someone got into my secret condom stash and stole my last “Big Red.” It turned up this morning on the Obelisk in Buenos Aires. I wonder if they plan on giving it back when they’re done making their point so that I can use it the next time I make mine.

Alright folks - have a great weekend. Be good or good at it.

DID GOD SPILL COFFEE ON HIS MASTER PLAN?

Perhaps you’ve heard of the recent uproar over Intelligent Design. It’s the latest development in the war between the right and the left over what we should teach our children in school.

On the one side you’ve got the hard core fundamentalist Christian right who believe evolution is bunk and espouse a strict curriculum of Creationism. Then you’ve got the whole liberal, scientific, atheist crowd invoking Darwin’s ghost in promoting an evolutionary agenda. It’s an ideological tug of war with compromise seemingly impossible.

Enter the Intelligent Design folks. These enterprising minds have essentially merged the two disparate beliefs in building an ambitious theory that effectively satisfies neither side.

The theory behind Intelligent Design is really only attractive to people (like me) who’d just like to see everyone get along for a change. It suggests that the science of evolution is a consequence of divine intention. In other words, there is something (God, perhaps) behind the science of our existence. "Yes, we came from apes - but God made it so!"

The bible and science give us very different reasons for being. Intelligent Design attempts to reconcile the two, claiming to provide an objective perspective on the question of our existence. Where the bible says God created everything in under a week, including human beings in His own image, and science says we evolved over millions of years from apes, Intelligent Design leaves room for the possibility that evolution was God’s way of getting us here. Not surprisingly, both scientists and bible huggers reject this notion out of hand.

What is the true origin of our species? Are we truly the result of divine inspiration? Are we a complex evolutionary accident? Or are “we” merely an illusion in one of Doug Henning's masterful performances? Perhaps “we” are, in fact, one…and these words are not mine, but OURS. You read them as though they are external to you, when they actually live inside of you. I live inside of you. We are each other. Did we forget our medication this morning?

I'm not going to tell you what to believe - that's up to you. All I really wanted to say today was that we shouldn’t rule out the very real possibility that a flying spaghetti monster is responsible for this mess we call life. Hey, it’s just a theory.