SUPERSIZE YOUR FRIDAY

It’s been a busy week, my friends. Glad it's almost over.

The first face transplant was performed this week, and surprisingly, Joan Rivers was not involved. I would have thought she'd have been higher on the list.

Blackberry users found out they may no longer be getting e-mail service on their personal hand-held communications pieces – electronic devices so addictive they’re often called Crackberries. If you need access to e-mail every minute of every day, you’re either doing something illegal or you need intense therapy. In my case, it’s therapy – possibly because I don’t have a crackberry. I love e-mail. Really. When's the last time YOU sent me one, you bastard?

Oprah showed up on Letterman last night. Yeah – I got sucked into watching that crap, too. Kind of anticlimactic, no? After all the fuss about this supposed “feud” between the two, they could have at least arm-wrestled or something. Or sumo wrestled in a vat of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Russia is selling missiles to Iran, but most Americans are too troubled by the Nick and Jessica break-up to concern themselves with such trivial matters.

President Bush laid out his roadmap to victory in Iraq in a speech entitled “Déjà Vu” because most of us remember him declaring victory a year and a half ago. Maybe someone should help him with his "roadmap" so he doesn't keep taking us in circles.

I tweaked a nerve in my back this week and ended up at the chiropractor, where I practically had to sign a two-year contract for treatment before the bastard would “adjust” me. What’s all this “wellness” crap – just punch me in the spine already and send me home. I'm not looking for a partner in health here - I just want the fucking pain to stop. But job security is a powerful incentive, so I forgive him...even if I don't plan on going back.

Jennifer Garner had her baby, but had a hard time naming it since she herself goes by an alias.

And then someone got into my secret condom stash and stole my last “Big Red.” It turned up this morning on the Obelisk in Buenos Aires. I wonder if they plan on giving it back when they’re done making their point so that I can use it the next time I make mine.

Alright folks - have a great weekend. Be good or good at it.