GO FISH!

Leaving my apartment, I noticed the headline on this morning's Chicago Tribune lying outside my neighbor's door.

How safe is tuna?

How SAFE is TUNA? Not safe at all, I'd say. We keep catching them and eating them. I sure wouldn't want to be a tuna fish in today's world. In addition to all the bigger fish and sharks out there making meals out of the shiny bastards, they've got to keep a big eye out for insatiable land-borne predators who keep dragging nets through their backyards - harvesting their children so we can hungrily mash them into salad. Yeah - now is not a good time to be a tuna. Tuna is not safe at all.

What? Oh. It doesn't? I get it now. Ha. I'm so silly. How safe is tuna to EAT. I get it. Why didn't they just say that in the first place? That changes the meaning entirely.

Wait a second. How safe is TUNA? Shit! I eat tuna all the time. I've even been working on a secret holiday recipe for extra creamy tuna butter bread spread. It's going to be fishtacular. Nothing like a tuna butter and caviar jelly sandwich!

I'd better read this article here. I hope it's online.

It is. Okay, let's see. WHAT?!?! Tuna contains unsafe levels of metal? Come on. Nevermind how safe tuna is, how UNSAFE is metal? Metal is tough and hearty - chock full of the good stuff, right?

For YEARS, medical experts have been touting fish as a good low-fat source of proteins and omega-3 fatty acids, presumed to help prevent heart disease. Now it's loaded with mercury and unhealthy. Is this story for real or just another media scare drummed up to create widespread public panic for no reason? Hard to tell these days. All I know is I'm not going to stop eating tuna until refrigerator magnets start sticking to my tummy. Of course, by then I'm sure it'll be too late. And you just know someone is gonna sue, to the tuna a lot of money.

Maybe then the tuna will be safe again. To swim, that is.

Hey Cletus, what's all this business I hear about tuna?

I don't know, Ralphie, but I don't like it. If we can't eat tuna anymore, we may need to consider dragging down some of those curious bipeds always handing us poisoned fish. Fuckers.