Thursday, December 15, 2005


I’ve got a pair of quitters on this morning and they’ve been driving me up the fucking wall. Don't play coy with me - you know what I’m talking about. Quitters ... older socks that no longer have the elastic wherewithal to stay up around your calves. Nobody likes a quitter, Danny.

Yeah…all morning these bastards have been sliding down my calves and hugging my Achilles like an ankle scrunchie. It totally sucks. I’m walking around like I’m doing leg lifts with 4oz. cotton ankle weights. I keep pulling them back up in the hope that “this time” they’ll stay up. But they never do. Within minutes they ooze back down my leg and open up like a Venus Flytrap.

It’s definitely time for new socks.

Speaking of which, socks are item numero uno on my Christmas list. Yes, CHRISTMAS list. Not holiday list. Strange how socks were the last thing in the world I wanted to open up on Christmas morning – and here I am today ASKING for them. Sign numer #425 that I'm getting old, right between a sunburned scalp and random acts of flatulence. I still remember my great grandmother giving me a large package of white tube socks when I was just a pup. I don’t think I could have been more disappointed. Good thing I was taught at an early age to feign excitement in the face of great disappointment. In hindsight, I may have been a little over the top.

“Socks? Socks?!?! SWEET! Socks! I LOVE socks. I can’t wait to try these on!”

And I didn’t wait to try them on, to the olfactory displeasure of the entire extended familial unit. I’ve always been good at that…trying on gifts of clothing right then and there. It’s a risk, to be sure, because you never really know how something is going to fit. But I’ve always known how to mitigate those risks – rolling the sleeves up, sucking the waist in, tucking, fluffing, etc. Sometimes I’d try something on knowing full well it would be the only time I’d ever be caught dead in it. But that’s a courtesy I've never minded extending in the spirit of the season. I'm considerate like that.

"This is the coolest belt ever! No, it's not too big. I'll just have to eat more!"

Fortunately, socks are easy. I don’t bother matching them most days, so what they look like matters little. All I ask is that they hold on for one more day. There's a little Wilson Philips action for ya. You love it, don't lie.

If you’d like to send me some socks, or a CHRISTMAS card, I’d LOVE to get one from you. Just mail your crisp dollar bill to:

My favorite monkey, AYNtK
1460 N. Sandburg Terrace, #2009
Chicago, IL 60610

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