Tuesday, October 02, 2007


Despite the best efforts of the mainstream media to crown Hillary queen of the Democratic Party, I am sticking to the game plan: out with the same old, in with the new. It’s time to bring this dizzying Bush-Clinton-Clinton-Bush-Bush-Clinton merry-go-round to a screeching halt, my friends. Enough of these pandering, two-faced, bought-and-paid-for puppets!

As someone who thinks this country needs to crank the steering wheel hard left, I’d strongly advise Hillarians to review and consider their alternatives if they want to see a Democrat in the White House come 2008. Seriously. I warned people about nominating Al Gore in 2000. He didn’t appeal to the monkeys in the middle – and national elections are all about the monkeys in the middle.

Let me explain.

You’ve got 20% of the left-wing monkeys swinging on the left side and 20% of the right-wing monkeys swinging on the right side. And then you've got a big monkeypile where the rest of us are going apeshit in the middle. The monkeys on the left and the right balance each other out – so it’s really the monkeys in the middle who decide. We’re also called swing voters, as it happens.

It’s important to understand simian psychology when electing our leaders. The monkeypile doesn’t just vote for people they like…they vote AGAINST people they don’t like. That’s how Al Gore narrowly won the election in 2000, and was narrowly defeated in the process. Too many monkeys in the middle voted against him. We kept swinging back and forth in the polls, but when we stepped into the booth to decide, we just couldn’t go with someone we couldn’t stand. So we swung the other way. That’s the business of monkeys - we swing.

Hillary has the same problem. She only appeals to the 20% of monkeys on the left. Monkeys in the middle go bananas just thinking about her. I actually start flinging feces at my television whenever she’s on it, which is not easy to clean up depending on what I ate. So if you plan to vote in the Democratic Primary, just be aware that a vote for Hillary is basically a vote against the Democratic Party in the general election.

To avoid another electoral fiasco, smart Democrats will look to nominate someone who isn’t loathed by nearly half the American people. I’m just one monkey in the middle, but I’m personally keen on Obama, whose popular support continues to swell. Hillary did outraise him in Q3 thanks to more big money from big donors with big interests in big business and much bigger government. But Obama continues drawing record support from little people with big hearts; people whose votes count the same as the people playing Clintonopoly.

Why Obama? For one, he's inherently likable - blessed with the gift of charisma…something Hillary may have accidentally bumped into once at a fundraiser, but never really got to know. Once people listen to him and find out what he’s all about, they can’t help but root for the guy. He has an infectious presence. He’s smart, pragmatic, and optimistic – everything our current President is not (which is a great start, don’t you think?).

The only knock you’ll hear is the ridiculous assertion (from the Clinton camp, primarily) that, somehow, he lacks the "experience" required to be an effective leader. Excuse me while I hurl turds at this preposterous suggestion. Since when did “Years in Washington” become a prerequisite for President? Given Congress’s record-low 11% approval rating, I’d wager the monkeys in the middle may be looking for a leader who HASN’T spent a whole lot of time in Washington. Further, if experience IS what you’re looking for, then it’s important to note that Obama has actually held elected office longer than Capitol Hillary. (Yes, really) He’s passed more bills and has been in public service for over two decades. Hillary, meanwhile, was busily inventing right-wing conspiracies and covering up shady land deals – also relevant experience in Washington, but not exactly the kind that inspires people to action.

In American politics, it's all about getting the monkey in the middle to swing your way. I'm sticking with the plan: out with the same old, in with the new. And if the masses insist on Hillary, I'll be flinging lots of poo.

No comments: