Monday, March 26, 2007


I thought the whole point to a secret is that you DON'T TELL ANYONE WHAT IT IS. I don't know anything about this woman, but she's sure got a lot of nerve.

Now that the Secret is out, all hell is breaking loose. Fat, bald dudes are having sex with supermodels. Thousands are splitting the lottery jackpot every night. White people can jump. Even Hillary is said to have been spotted with something resembling a personality. It's been crazy, y'all. The cat is out of the bag. If you dream it, it will come. And it must be true because it was on Oprah. Just look at how well it's been working for her. She's basically become America's version of The Queen. A symbolic figure whose cultural relevance serves as a reminder of our nation's fascination with mass media. If it's good enough for Queen Oprah...

Personally, I have not read "The Secret," nor do I intend to. From what I understand, it's little more than recycled self-help pep-talk in shiny new packaging. In fact, I'm pretty sure I read everything I need to know about "The Secret" 20 years ago in a book called "Creative Visualization" by Shakti Gawain. Go ahead and look it up - the contents may sound eerily familiar: Envision what you want and the universe will get right to work on it for you.

I'm trying to remember how that worked for me back then. Oh yeah. Didn't get laid. Didn't get rich. Didn't get any taller. So much for the power of positive thinking.

So, no, haven't been swept up yet by Oprah's wave of approved spiritual content practically guaranteed to improve my existence. I do know enough about what is preached in its pages to give it another go, however. Here are ten future creations I have been actively envisioning.

Come on universe...let's do this!

President Obama

World Champion Chicago Cubs

Marijuana section at Osco

Cheney in cuffs (with a ball gag in his mouth and wearing pink satin panties)

"Happy Birthday to You" sung soulfully to me by Sting

Free wi-fi at Starbucks (what the hell are they thinking with that T-Mobil bullshit?)

Cancer-fighting bacon (that also makes you taller when eaten with cheese)

Relocation of all of the hair on my ass, back, and shoulders to the top of my head

A congressional enema - election day turnover with zero incumbency

Joe Theismann replaced by anyone

WHOA! What's that you say about Joe Theismann?!? No WAY!!

Well how about that? One for ten.'s a start.

1 comment:

slskenyon said...

Yeah, I heard about "The Secret." I suppose if you shroud something in some form of mysterious logo/title, everyone will be on that bandwagon. Too bad it isn't as exciting or tasty as the Atkin's Diet.