UNDOCUMENTED

As I write this, the choppers buzz noisily above.

Today is the day of the big rally – the May Day multi-city march toward immigration reform. And here in Chicago, a couple hundred thousand Hispanic folks are marching down Randolph Street toward Grant Park, right past the corner outside of the building where I work. I just ran up to the roof to check it out and it is something to see. It actually resembles a parade. A lot flags (mostly American), families, singing, and plenty of applause everytime one of the helicopters zooms close overhead. No beads, though. I even took my shirt off and swung it around in the air for a few minutes. Nothing. How can you have a parade without beads?

My sister asked me last week if I planned to drive to work today and park on the street like I normally do. I told her I didn’t anticipate people would be throwing bottles, turning over cars in the street, and setting things on fire. This wasn't going to be that kind of get-together. That’s the kind of rally you get in a college town after an NCAA upset. When thousands of hard-working, God-fearing folks with strong family values hit the streets, you basically just get a traffic headache. So I drove and I parked and I expect the car will be just fine when I leave work today.

Getting dressed this morning, I elected to wear my new Italian soccer jacket. The Italian flag has the same colors as the Mexican flag, so when I make my one man march to Quiznos in a few minutes, I should blend right in. I just hope Quizno's is open. Most of the restaurants in the area are expected to be closed for the day, since a majority of their workforce will be cooking up support for amnesty instead of lunch for the locals.

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Yeah…immigration sure is a hot topic these days. At issue? What to do with all the people in this country illegally – and how to prevent more people from sneaking in.

Some people say we ought to just grant them all amnesty. “Congrats, you made it, you’re already here – you may as well stay.”

Other people say we need to round up every last illegal alien (estimates vary wildly, but many say there are an estimated 11 million of them) and send them all back to their countries of origin. The argument here is that we are a nation of laws and these people are breaking our laws by being here. Granting them amnesty would only encourage more illegal aliens to crash the party. Better to send them all back.

And then there are others who believe in compromise and suggest we institute some kind of guest worker program to encourage all of these illegal folks to register with the government. Such a program would serve to transition undocumented workers to citizenship by offering rights over time as they meet certain conditions.

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Looking for something really juicy to sink your teeth into? Here's the scoop.

According to several high-up sources in food services, an industry famous for employing undocumented kitchen staff, the government has been complicit in permitting illegal aliens to work - refusing to enforce immigration laws where it is known there are undocumented workers. And you're never going to guess why.

According to my sources, one of the biggest misconceptions about illegal aliens is that they work for cash and don’t pay any taxes. It turns out this is not so true anymore. When restaurants are audited by the government, like all businesses, they must account for their operating expenses by demonstrating they have paid people to perform work. The government is strict with businesses on this because it wants to make sure it is getting its payroll tax and social security money. If they weren't strict with businesses on this, a lot more people would be getting paid in cash to avoid paying taxes. As a result, paying illegal aliens cash under the table is a good way to get pinched by the IRS.

More often, I was told, this is how it works:

For $15, an illegal alien buys fake identification in the form of a social security number. Apparently this fake documentation is not hard to get once you make it here. Hell, I remember a couple guys back in college who turned out fake drivers licenses at $20 a pop using a hand scanner and a Kinko's copy machine. With ID so easy to come by, today's “undocumented” workers are quickly documented, and able to use this phony personal information to apply for jobs and complete tax forms. This satisfies the employer, who can then say they have fulfilled their obligation to the government.

The government proceeds to withhold taxes and Social Security from all wages paid, just as it skims a good percentage off the top of YOUR paycheck every couple weeks. The only difference is that workers with fake documentation who are paying into Social Security will never have a claim to that money when they retire, nor do they qualify for many other social services, like Unemployment Insurance. Its FREE money!

Money paid by illegal aliens in taxes is essentially free money that can be used to pay out Social Security benefits. Illegal immigrants are actually subsidizing our national budget! Politicians and policymakers are fully aware of Social Security’s insolvency issues, and they also understand the impact this extra money has on the system. It buys them all time.

So let’s think about immigration reform from the Government’s perspective.

Sending 11 million workers back home, in addition to being a logistical nightmare that would cost billions of dollars and cripple countless local economies, would also cut off a very important stream of revenue. Not such a great idea.

Making 11 million illegal aliens instantly legal, on the other hand, would compound Social Security’s insolvency and potentially overwhelm social services. Another bad idea.

It’s actually in the government’s best interest to turn its head wherever undocumented workers are paying taxes. Further, the more people paying into Social Security without ever collecting on it the better, right? It's all about the Benjamins, hermano.

The U.S. has a widely known immigration policy that's as undocumented as the workers it seduces: You can stay and play so long as you pay.