LONG LIVE THE KING

At 7:45 a.m. Eastern Time the incredible happened. I don't know why I am giving you Eastern Time when I live in the Midwest, but bear with me. It's been a long day.

Were the mysteries surrounding the universe to thank for this anomalous occurrence, or had Mother Nature simply hiccupped? I really cannot say. Have I been witness to the next stage in human evolution and development? Again, I cannot say. All I know for certain is that this morning’s freakish incident was the strangest thing to have ever happened to me in all the years I’ve been alive.

I need a moment to think about this.

Our government is constantly working on top-secret projects involving stealth technologies. Folks at the Pentagon have spent billions developing an array of highly destructive weapons possessing signatures so small no radar can detect them – yet these munitions, and the remarkably swift vehicles designed to deliver them, remain hopelessly visible to the naked eye. Are there any among us who can testify to having witnessed firsthand a sparrow carve up the firmament at mach 2? I would presume not.

Today, by the Gods, I perfected a technology.

At 7:45 a.m. Eastern Time, from the comfort of my bathroom, I unwittingly perfected the physics of stealth technology. My prototype possessed no signature. Long into existence, it’s physical composition and location remained unknown. Here is what I remember.

Having completed a satisfying strain over my commode, I readied a wad of Charmin to mark the event’s conclusion. As I reached back and looked down, I made a startling discovery. The bowl was empty. I immediately stood up, turned around and inspected the porcelain depository. I studied it from every angle, but saw only my ghost in its reflection. There was nothing there – nothing at all. Yes – I had produced the world’s first documented case of invisible poo.

Now, for background, you should know that I've produced a varied collection of colonic products over my many years, but never anything like this. It was as though I had conducted my own private Philadelphia Experiment in the laboratory of my tiny, one-bedroom apartment. Doug Henning would have been proud.

In retrospect, I’m hoping this was not just a one shot deal. I've since taken care to catalogue every edible consumed in the hours leading up to that fateful event in an attempt to reproduce the transparent stool. If there is a formula, it must be documented for science. The implications of a discovery like this on the hope and future of mankind are monumental.

I understand there will be dissenters among you. Proof of an invisible turd is not easy to come by – I couldn't very well ask a neighbor to fish around in my toilet for independent verification of the discovery. At least not while I wasn’t willing to do perform that “doo” diligence myself.

Suffice it to say, I know what I accomplished. And should I be fortunate enough to manage an equally untraceable movement again, you can bet I will be bringing this remarkable advance in the development of stealth technology to the attention of the greater science community.

A molecular physicist I am not, but I believe reconstructing this momentous singularity is a de-stinked possibility. And now, if you will excuse me, I must get back to the throne for more research.