Wednesday, November 30, 2005


As you know, Chuck Norris is a living legend. A friend of mine recently sent me a list of little-known facts about Chuck Norris and I wanted to share it with you. Thanks to Heavy D for passing these along - they are good conversation starters. I won't take credit for penning these wildly amusing bits...only for spreading the gospel of Chuck.

So without further ado, here's all you need to know about Chuck Norris:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris used to be an All-American baseball player in college. He was banned however from Major League Baseball when it became known that his blood is actually a steroid.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Here's America's biggest assbeater posing with America's biggest asseater, Alan "May I toss your salad again, Mr. Hannity?" Colmes.

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