THE DAILY PICK ONE

I just pulled out the longest nose hair of all time. I’m thinking it may have been attached to the back of my eyeball as my left eye is now tearing up uncontrollably.

It all started as an innocent nose pick. I had a little itch I tried to scratch by curling up the knuckle of my forefinger and rubbing it against the side of my nose. When that didn’t work, I brushed the outside of my nostril over the back of my hand a few times. When the itch persisted, I decided I was going to have to go in with the finger. Fortunately, things were pretty dry as I fished around for the source of my discomfort. Unfortunately, when I finally found it, it was clinging tightly to a long, thick hair. So I started twisting and pulling it, hoping the offending goober would break free. But it would not. It was a stubborn little bastard. So I started to yank and pull, inserting the tips of both my forefinger and thumb for better leverage. I focused my chi and with one swift stroke pulled down firmly. That’s when I felt the sky open up and a cold breeze rush over me.

I blacked out for a moment, then glanced down to see what had to have been the single longest hair ever extracted from a human proboscis. I am not exaggerating when I tell you I could have used it to floss my teeth. For your appetite's sake I will assure you I did not. Was it painful? Yeah – it hurt like hell. But there was no blood, which was good. There did appear to be some gray matter on the very end, however, which I am guessing originated somewhere in the neighborhood of the frontal cortex. But I’ll leave that determination to William Petersen.

Anyhow, the itch is gone now and my vision has returned enough for me to type this up for you. Just wanted to keep you in the loop…