And all these studies aren’t just taking place in a vacuum. Someone is funding them all. Universities are lobbying for both private and public monies to support their thirst for the truth (or at least their VERSION of it!). I started to wonder if I could dream up a study that would really benefit mankind in some way. That’s when I remembered an old idea of mine: The Pickens Diet. Try to follow me here.
How many boogers are in a pound? Think about it. How many boogers, crusty or slimy, would you have to extract from your nose to get to a pound? That’s a tough one, I know. Hard to even guess at. But if we did a study – got some money, wrote up a plan, hired some researchers, and crunched the numbers – we’d have a really close idea. And that’s something worth knowing because it could be the secret to a healthier you. Stay with me.
Here’s how I’d do it:
I’d get a sample size of a couple dozen or so pretty reliable nose-pickers. People of all backgrounds if possible. People with big noses, small noses, thin noses, button noses, hook noses, Roman noses, flat noses, stuck-up-in-the-air-with-perpetual-contempt noses, etc. Then I’d send them all home with “log sheets” on which to log their boogers. Logging would be done by removing the booger and placing it (or wiping it, if necessary) on the log sheet. Each time a booger is added to the log sheet, it is tallied on a separate piece of paper.
At the end of the week we would collect the log sheets and weigh them. Subtracting the weight of the paper (which will have been measured prior to distribution), we would have a total booger weight, or TBW. Dividing the TBW by the number of tally marks logged will give us an average weight per booger, or WPB. We would then take an average of all the WPB figures for all participants to derive a statistical mean - an AVERAGE average weight per booger, if you will. This mean WPB then becomes our basis for calculating how many boogers are in a pound.
First we divide the mean WPB into a single ounce, then multiply that figure by 16. Voila! That’s how many boogers are in a pound.
Once we have this figure, we can put together a weight loss regimen I call The Pickens Diet. The Pickens Diet would consist of nose-picking techniques for maximum extraction. The idea is that if you pick your nose enough, you will lose weight. Hey, don’t knock the diet – it will have been scientifically proven!
I’ve already got the print ad done:
WHY MORE PEOPLE ARE PICKING THE PICKENS DIET
It’s easy. Everybody does it. Do it a little more and it could mean a big difference in your life! It’s called the Pickens Diet – you keep eating all the same foods you love... just pick your nose a whole lot more.
Nose picking isn’t just for the car anymore. Do it on the train, on the sidewalk, in the shower, on the couch, at the dinner table. The more you pick, the more you lose. Here’s why!
Clinical studies have shown that nasal discharge measurably contributes to total body weight. Responsible, supervised removal of proboscis mucous can mean inches off your waistline. By following our step-by-step program, you can clean house like never before and get the body you’ve always wanted – without giving up the foods you love!
Order your Pickens Diet starter kit and get started today!
Please note that eating your boogers is not recommended by the Pickens Diet. Please see your nasal hygeinist for more on which boogers can be safely eaten for optimal calorie burn.
I just need someone to fund this bad boy and we’re off to the races. There’s a mint in this, I can feel it. I love science.
1 comment:
How will you define your control group? I live in Arizona, where boogers are notoriously drier than yours would be in Chicago! Also, if you wait until the end of the week to weigh said boogers, won't some of the juicy boogeriness have evaporated?
Just a few thoughts about scientific testing!
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