I WON'T STAND FOR THIS!

I found out something really disturbing a few weeks ago and I don’t know who to talk to about it, so I am just going to share it here. I have lived my entire lifetime unaware that there are people in this world who stand up to wipe their ass. And the people who informed me that this was the way they cleaned their house were equally shocked to discover that there are people in this world who wipe their ass while seated.

I remember it came up in casual conversation among friends during my New Years trip to Austin. I can’t say exactly how we arrived upon the topic of asswiping, but it is really not so uncommon for conversations with me to plunge into the defacatory realm. I guess you could say I like to talk a lot of shit. Shit is something we all know about because we all do it. I personally find the topic a nice icebreaker. It’s like the new weather.

OLD: Did you hear about that storm headed that way?

NEW: I find bananas really clean me out. Have you enjoyed similar success with any other fruits with peels?

But back to the fecal matter at hand. I remember a comment was made, and for clarification I delved a little deeper, at which point it became quite clear that the folks I was speaking with preferred to stand while wiping their ass. The ensuing look of shock on my face gave me away as a sitter. There was suddenly silence. No one knew how to react to this earth-shattering revelation.

It really felt like two worlds had collided – we just stared at one another, awkward and a little afraid, adrenalin pumping…not unlike, I would imagine, the colonists and natives coming face to face for the very first time. Who ARE these people, we thought of each other. So similar to us...and yet so very exotic and strange.

We immediately demanded from one another our rationales for sitting/standing to wipe and were awestruck to realize they were identical! I was told that the only way to really get access is to stand up. And yet, when I stand up, my ass cheeks naturally swing back together like saloon doors – which, frankly, I find dangerous. One moist dingleberry and you’ve got ass pancakes. Not pretty.

I’ve always just reached back from my seated position since my cheeks are already at maximum spread. It just seems it would be a safer, more effective method for asskeeping than standing up and trapping anything that may not have pinched entirely free.

I don’t know – I just don’t see it. And yet I was told by several people (whose hands I will never shake again) that they preferred to stand and wipe. Me? I won't stand for it.