Thursday, November 16, 2006


There’s been a lot of talk for years now (not just by me!) about getting a third major party established in this country – someone to give those Republicans and Democrats a run for their money. The Libertarians and Green and Reform Parties have all fielded candidates in past elections, but they just don’t get the media attention or the widespread public support they need to prove viable come Election Day.

So here’s my idea: a television show on FOX called America’s Top Politician. Why FOX? Because they're crazy enough to do something sensational like that.

Simon Cowell and Mark Burnett will team up to produce it…a weekly show on which ordinary people like you and me (who also meet the Constitutional requirements for becoming President) line up outside of auditoriums nationwide to audition in front of a panel of judges for a shot at becoming El Presidente. I know it sounds ludicrous – but I bet it would result in one hell of a candidate…and the press coverage he/she would get from week to week would make him/her a formidable opponent in the General Election!

This is how I imagine it would be done.

The show would last a full year and start with several months of broad auditioning to weed out the religious zealots, criminally stupid, car salesmen, and facially uninteresting. Can you imagine how hilarious the auditions would be? Our panel of judges would ask average people to provide practical solutions to real problems and then vote based on the quality of the responses. Who would judge? Could be anybody! I'm thinking my mom, Gary Coleman, and Bruce Willis for starters. People would learn pretty quick how difficult it is being a politician as they struggle to offer viable solutions that won’t offend SOME group of people. I'm guessing most folks would sound like complete idiots. I know I would!

“Mr. AYNtK – okay. Welcome.”

“Thanks for having me.”

“So you’d like to be President?”


“Sure? That doesn’t sounds very convincing. Why are you here?”

“I heard the job pays more than the one I have, and I could use the extra coin.”

“So you’re here for the money?”

“It’s all about the Benjamins. And having access to that private jet would be pretty sweet, too. Par-tay!”

“Fantastic. So let’s see. How would you propose the U.S. government address the troublesome flow of illegal immigrants from south of the border?”

“That’s a great question. And I have a great answer. First, I would offer them all jobs.”

“Did you say jobs? How would that help solve the problem?”

“I’m not finished. The jobs would be digging trenches. I propose we pay the largest workforce in American history minimum wage to dig a 20-foot deep, half-mile wide trench from California to the Gulf Coast. Then I’d have them it with oil and light it on fire like that kick ass scene at the end of the Beastmaster. Did you see that scene? You know which one I’m talking about? Maybe it was Beastmaster 2.”

“Let me get this straight. You’d pay a massive foreign labor team to dig a gargantuan petroleum moat and ignite a permanent barrier of flames between Mexico and the U.S.?”

“Yes, sir, I would. It’d be a real life the ones that protect computers from viruses and stuff. Except it would be a REAL firewall protecting our lower-class jobs from foreigners, thereby preserving the rich, cultural traditions of our nation’s NASCAR class.”

“That is a completely asinine suggestion…and yet also very brilliant in a way. I like how you think and I’m going to vote you through to the next round!”

This kind of Q&A would go on all over the nation until our list of viable candidates is narrowed down to 16 finalists. These 16 presidential hopefuls would then compete in a series of mock challenges in a format more like the Apprentice. Donald Trump would preside over phase 2 ensuring that the candidates not only have good ideas, but possess strong leadership skills as well. They’d be split up into teams and given a number of tasks to muddle through. Then the losing team would be sent to the board room where Trump would send one of them home: “You’re impeached!”

Phase 2 would last several more months until the list of candidates is narrowed down to 8. The remaining 8 would have to learn how to dance with the help of a professional partner and America would vote on their dance routines every week until the field is narrowed to 4.

The final 4 would then participate in a series of debates, after which America would vote, eliminating two of the candidates. The final two would then have a foot race, arm wrestling match, and ro-sham-bo for the right to run for president. The runner-up would become the VP candidate on the same ticket. It's brilliant!

I think America’s Top Politician would give the major party candidates a real scare, too. He/She would be a strong, sensitive, smart leader with a textbook tango. I know – this is all beyond genius. And here’s the best part. All those .99 cent calls to vote for your favorite politician add up in the winning candidate’s advertising fund so they are able mount a serious media challenge in the weeks leading up to the election. Gotta hit those airwaves!

So what do you think, Simon? Are you game? Let's do this!!!

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