INSTALLING SOME HIGH-FIBER OPTICS

Are people always asking you why you're so damn happy all the time?

Me neither.

What's the deal with that? Why aren't more people more happy? We know what makes us happy, don't we? And we know what makes us unhappy, right? So why are so many people still so unhappy so much of the time? I've got a theory on this, and I'm putting it to the test as we speak.

One word: FIBER

That's right. Fiber is the secret to happiness. I'm not kidding. As you know, there are few things in life as satsifying as a steady, seamless evacuation. You know what I'm talking about. The kind you can feel has been coming on for awhile, but you hold off until just the right moment to let it go. Like baking bread, a good loaf of crap is a delicate thing. Pull the trigger too early and you've got a soft, doughy mess. Let it bake too long and it turns hard and black like coal. The timing of a fantastic loaf of crap is essential - but so are the ingredients.

Fiber is like yeast. It makes sure your loaves are rising properly. Make sure you get enough and things will move along effortlessly. Get too little and you end up with a colon full of flatbread. I've been noticing recently that whenever I'm in a sour mood, it's almost always because I'm constipated. Additionally, I always feel great after a good crap. ALWAYS. So if regularity enhances mood, then the goal would be to promote regularity. And this is done primarily through diet. In other words, consume more fiber!

Here's something I didn't realize until I went on a serious fiber-hunting mission. Most mass-producted commercial breads don't contain a significant amount of fiber! And here I grew up thinking fiber came from the bread/grains/cereal portion of the food pyramid. I was turning over plastic loaves at the grocery store the other day and was shocked to find that even most of the WHEAT breads had 1g of fiber or less per serving. That's essentially nothing. Why the hell even bother eating it?

According to nutritionists, 2 grams of fiber per serving is the minimum amount of fiber content that has any meaning at all to your intestinal tract. And with everything so processed these days, it's not easy to find that kind of fiber content - believe me. You have to eat things like fruits and vegetables (I force myself now), nuts (certain nuts), and baked beans (which have the side benefit of producing intestinal gas, which I LOVE letting go).

And cereal? I thought for sure cereal would be loaded with fiber. Nope. Most cereal is actually loaded with sugar and contains very little fiber. But if you look at enough box panels, you can find a few with 2, 3, 4 or more grams of fiber per serving. That's the shit you're looking for, pardon the expression, and is usually found on the top shelf above all the colorful boxes strategically placed at eye level for kids.

Friends, I can't tell you what the addition of a little fiber has done for my mood. I'm loose as a goose - and we've all seen what geese can do to a black-top parking lot.

Example? Here's one. I actually karaoked Friday night for the first time in 13 years! I'm usually the uptight chump in the corner who refuses to make an ass out of himself. Not Friday. Assdom beckoned and I heeded the call! I belted out an up tempo rendition of Mack the Knife that brought the entire house down. No joke. I couldn't believe it. My Terryoake act was met with applause, whistles, and high fives as I stepped off the stage - and not because I had turned it into a cabaret strip tease act. Complete strangers were actually congratulating me on a job well done.

Fiber.

Check your labels. Look for the whole grain breads and cereals with 2g of fiber or more per serving. Load up on nuts and beans. And eat your veggies!

Your lower GI will thank me.