IN A MORE PERFECT WORLD...

Life is far from perfect, as I'm sure you are aware. But that doesn’t prevent us from dreaming of all the different ways it could be closer to perfect. I’m in the process of compiling thoughts for a coffee table book I'm calling “In a More Perfect World,” and it's going to feature a bunch of silly statements about the world and how things could be so much better than they are.

Here are some initial thoughts:

In a more perfect world…

• Pork products would fight cancer. Of course, in a perfect world there wouldn’t likely be cancer to fight in the first place, but we could pretend while we’re eating greasy fried bacon strips out of potato chip bags.

• Postal employees would be psychic, so you wouldn’t have to spend any time addressing stuff. You could just send off a stack of blank envelopes and they’d all get to where they’re going.

• Cars would run on air, and car engines would actually purify the atmosphere as part of the combustion process – so cities would remain completely smog-free.

• Dog crap would melt into the ground the second it landed, to expedite the fertilization process and spare us the agony of having to deal with it at all.

• The advertised Lottery jackpot amount is the ACTUAL amount that you win.

• Envelope glue would be vitamin fortified.

• Nose hair would be considered “cool.”

• Health insurance, like most other forms of insurance, would be for super expensive, unexpected things – like accidents and emergencies – instead of everyday shit like exams, tests, and drugs. (There’s no co-pay arrangement with your auto insurance company when you change the oil in our car, and you don’t file a homeowner’s claim every time you have work done on our house!) If health insurance were actually treated like INSURANCE instead of a government subsidy program, it wouldn’t cost nearly as much to get coverage, and health practitioners, hospitals, and clinics would all be forced to adjust their prices to reflect what people can actually AFFORD out of pocket, instead of gouging a bloated health insurance industry already bursting at the seams.

• Cheetos would make you taller.

• There would be only one drug to cure everything, and it would grow naturally – like a weed. It would be called “weed.”

• Smoking cigarettes would be dirt-cheap and completely legal everywhere…and no one would do it.

• David Hasselhoff would be the Chancellor of Germany.

• The earth would come with a Thermostat and everyone would agree that it should be set at the same temperature.

• Paris Hilton would only be a hotel.

• People would get paid based on their disposition.

• Rebates would be taken off at the register.

• Islamist martyrs and suicide bombers would actually get their 70 virgins in heaven – and they’d all be big, strapping men, lined up and ready for their turn.

• Cauliflower would be considered junk food, while deep-fried apple fritters, glazed donuts, and bear claws would be loaded with anti-oxidents.

• Pajamas would be considered "business casual."

• Cabs would come with oxygen masks.

• Elevators would come equipped with an alert system capable of pinpointing the person who farted, and then broadcasting this information via a computerized voice: "The odor in this elevator was produced by the blonde woman in the purple suit coat carrying a black bag. This elevator will smell for approximately 9 more minutes."



If you've got any brilliant ideas on how the world would be a more perfect place, feel free to post them here!