Wednesday, March 01, 2006

HAMMER TIME

When it comes to crimes of passion, you can't touch this.

Last month, two Florida men got into a rather heated discussion about toilet paper...and it didn’t end well for either one of them.

According to the police report, 56-year-old Franklin Paul Crow of Moss Bluff, Florida was sick and tired of his roommate Kenneth Matthews, 58, of always using up the last of the toilet paper without replacing it. Enough was enough! Or, I suppose it would be more correct in this case to say NOT enough was enough!

An argument over the availability of clean asswipes ensued, during which Kenny decided to up the ante by pulling out a rifle and pointing it at his beloved Bunkie – a move that, in hindsight, might be considered his “last mistake.”

Whether Kenny intended to shoot Franklin over toilet tissue will forever remain unknown, as Franklin did not wait for Kenny to pull the trigger. Finding himself in the crosshairs, Franklin grabbed a pair of hammers (a sledgehammer and a claw hammer) and began beating Kenny with them. In the face. As you might imagine, Kenny's ass was wiped out. Police on the scene had to use fingerprints to identify him afterward.

As for Franklin’s ass, it will likely play host to a parade of unwelcome guests in the months and years ahead as Franklin has been charged with, and confessed to, homicide. A new bunkie eagerly awaits at the state pen.

If you're looking for a moral in this story, there are many:

Don't keep shit all bottled up until you explode - things could get messy.

This is what happens when there's an ass in charge.

Don't leave hammers in the living room.

Don't threaten to shoot someone unless you have the balls to actually do it.

There's a good reason grown men in their 50's don't live together.

Something that starts out a little pain in the ass can wind up killing you.

It's important to work out your little issues before they become big ones.

People will go to great lengths to protect their ass.

Guns kill people, but hammers kill people with guns.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Believe it or not, this does not surprise me in the least. Moss Bluff is a tiny little place in the middle of the Ocala National Forest, and coincidentally, not far from where Ma Barker and her boys had their last stand with the FBI (an event which is celebrated each year). A lot of places out there are still pretty much the same as they were discribed in the book Cross Creek.

AYNtK said...

And to think, Florida decided the 2000 election...

I SEE YOU!