STRAIGHT FROM THE HEADLINES

As you might imagine, I scan the online headlines day after day for interesting news and tidbits to share. One thing I’ve noticed in all my browsing is that clarity is often sacrificed for brevity. In short (so to speak), headlines are often vague – and subject to misinterpretation. Consider some of these ACTUAL headlines - given a little different spin…

FOSTER PARENTS GET PRISON FOR BEATING
Randall and Jane McAdams complained for years that their basement was too small to administer “proper” beatings to their 4 foster children, Haley, Mark, Gretchen, and Fiona. Thanks to a grant from the state, and with the support of the Cornell County Department of Corrections, they’ve been given a little extra elbow room. The McAdams Prison, set for construction in early 2006, will be a freestanding three-room beating facility located in the Foster parents’ backyard. Community supporters say…”

BUSH VOWS TO REBUILD NEW ORLEANS
In a pair of dirty overalls and holding a shiny new hammer in his hand, President George W. Bush announced late Thursday night plans to single-handedly put the city of New Orleans back together. “It’s going to take a lot of hard work,” said the President. “But I’m not afraid of hard work. Hard work is what America is all about. I’ll be working out there night and day, because there’s much work to be done. And the hard-working people of the city of New Orleans will work with me to get everything worked out. It’s a work in progress right now, but with the right work ethic, working people can work together and work wonders. Working work work is the work and work of working workers work work hard work.”

SEVERAL MINIVANS FARE POORLY IN TESTS
Despite countless hours of lectures and intensive coaching, a number of motor vehicles failed yet again to register a score on the college entrance ACT test. For the second time in as many tries, the Chrysler Town & Country, Dodge Grand Caravan, Honda Odyssey, and Pontiac Montana SV6 all failed after taking the standardized exam. “We don’t really understand the results. Something else is going on here that people aren’t talking about. Not a single participant scored even single point. It’s like they weren’t even trying,” said Insurance Industry analyst Beth Jorgenson. “The thought was that “smarter” cars would yield lower insurance premiums for consumers. These results are discouraging.” A make-up exam has not yet been scheduled.

EXPERTS BLAME FLOODING ON FAULTY LEVEES
A number of experts are now placing blame for the flooding in New Orleans on faulty levees. Blue Ribbon Chef Charlie Parsons, Gynecologist Bob Havleson, Advertising Creative Director Will Lawton, and Public Policy Specialist Sherry McDonough – all experts in their fields – say they took one look at the footage on their televisions and instinctively knew the levees were to blame. “It was clear to me,” said Bob Havleson, “The levees are there to hold back water. They were holding back water before the storm even. If the levee breaks, water is going to rush in and flood stuff.” Will Lawton echoed this observation, adding “In my expert opinion, there was an issue with the levees. It kind of reminded me of that Led Zeppelin song, actually. You know? When the levee breaks? Kind of eerie – don’t you think? It’s almost as if Robert Plant KNEW the levee would break. Is he still alive? Maybe somebody should talk to him. He may know something about Kashmir, too.”