LONG WINDED

I hope you’ll forgive me for sharing, but I’ve just got to get this out. I just finished releasing the single longest continuous stream of rectal wind in my entire life. Gross? Not really. Completely disgusting is more like it. I’ve had some long ones in the past, but nothing like what I just experienced. What’s with the snickering? Gas is a completely natural bodily function, people. Can we talk about this like adults please? Okay. So this is what happened.

[If you don’t want the details, I advise you to stop reading now. Otherwise, proceed at your own risk.]

I hastily stepped into the bathroom here at work after my third cup of coffee with an emergency plan to evacuate Poo Orleans. There was a lot of pressure to move fast – I knew that if I didn’t hurry, my boxers weren’t going to see tomorrow. I took a seat and my cheeks immediately started exhaling loudly into the bowl. It resembled gunfire at first, rippling like a howitzer at the bottom of a deep ravine. This gave way to the ominous blowing of a foghorn, accompanied by a distant whistle. I half expected to hear the ringing of an offshore bell buoy. The final salvo sputtered like an old engine choking, then transitioned to a long sigh - like the sound an air mattress makes when you're pushing all of the air out of it - followed by what could only be described as a cymbal crash.

I couldn’t believe my ears, or my rectum. How was this much gas possible? I’d never been this long-winded before – at least not without a keyboard in front of me. The gas exodus must have gone on for a sustained 6 full seconds. That doesn’t sound like much, but in dog years that’s 42 seconds. And let me tell you about the smell. No – I’d better not. You may be eating.

Anyhow, the episode made me curious about farts, so I did a little digging around online and found some interesting facts. Like, for example, people fart on average once per hour. It’s true. And adults can produce up to about 2 liters of farts every day. (I am certain I let loose several liters in just that one sitting) Contrary to what you may have heard, men and women fart equally as often. Yes, there’s a lot of information out there for those who want it. In fact, all you need to know about farts (and much more – I PROMISE) is right here:

http://www.heptune.com/farts.html

Check it out. You know you want to. Don’t lie. Yours stink, too. Go ahead. It’s cool. Everybody does it. Really. Speaking of everybody doing it, have you put a pin in my Guestmap yet? Why NOT? There’s a little button on the left margin that will take you to my Guestmap. Click on it. It only takes 2 seconds. It’s not like I’m asking you for money here.