TOM CRUISES INTO A BABBLING BROOKE

Have you heard about the ongoing battle between Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields? Yeah, it’s been a real “war of the in-my-own worlds.”

In case you missed any of it, I have included dialogue from a recent encounter between the two. You’re very welcome!


Shields: Drugs are helpful in dealing with depression.



Cruise: Drugs DO NOT help and telling people they help is irresponsible.












Shields: Just because you’re in some high-budget blockbuster summer movie doesn’t give you the right to lecture me. Drugs helped me tremendously and I believe they can help others. I stand by what I wrote in my book, which you should buy and read. You might learn something.

Cruise: Not only are you irresponsible, you’re just plain wrong. I know everything there is to know about psychiatry and can tell you that drugs are not helpful. Did you know the human head weighs eight pounds? I know stuff like that because I’ve done the research. And when you continue to insist drugs are helpful, you merely serve as a mouthpiece for the drug companies who invented these drugs (as well as the myths that they are helpful).

Shields: Spout off all the meaningless statistics you want, Rain Man. You wouldn’t know the first thing about post-partum depression – and what’s more, you’re short.

Cruise: Post-partum depression is a figment of your imagination. Such delusory conditions can be safely handled by vitamins and exercise. Relying on synthetic chemicals to achieve mental, emotional and psychological wellbeing is risky business.

Shields: That was a pretty clever reference, Maverick, but you’re still short. Go have a baby and get back to me on how you feel afterward. Emotions can be intense, and mood varies wildly. There are nights of ecstasy and days of thunder.

Cruise: You’ve merely assigned these feelings to a false condition. Perhaps the fact that you’re a washed-up nobody has more to do with your state-of-mind than childbirth.

Shields: You may have been the Last Samurai, but you’re NOT the last word on mental fitness. Why don’t you try honoring and respecting my rights here? If you insist on preaching to the world with your holier-than-thou attitude, you’re going to make an outsider of yourself.

Cruise: You certainly had a right to speak out in your book. Just as I have a right to speak out here, too. and I’m telling you that drugs do far and away more harm than they do good. There’s a lot of collateral damage these companies aren’t telling you about. If you want to do them – go nuts. But don’t poison your children with these toxins, and don’t poison the public by haphazardly recommending their use.

Shields: That’s nonsense. You are clearly in the minority. Reports by more than a few good men and women have advocated the controlled use of pharmaceutical therapy in treating depression, anxiety, and a host of other mental diseases and disorders.

Cruise: This mission is impossible! Let me explain something very basic. I’ll go slow so you can follow.

Shields: So *I* can follow? You’re the only follower here.

Cruise: Listen. There are a lot of young guns in the scientific community, and most of them are in the pockets of the large drug manufacturers who fund their “studies,” putting roofs over their plasma televisions and Mercedes convertibles. What you’re failing to understand is that these “diseases” and “disorders” don’t exist. Society has invented them. All kinds of people get down in the dumps for all different reasons ALL THE TIME. It can happen to anybody, anytime. It can happen to a mother after her child is born. On the 4th of July. During Christmas. Before a birthday. Random Saturdays. Feeling down is part of life. We can’t be treating every little twitch and mood swing with a new substance. It's not natural. Designer drugs are part of the problem.

Shields: How nice it would be to go through life with eyes wide shut. Countless reputable scientists have studied our bodies extensively. They’ve probed our brains. They’ve analyzed the chemical composition of our blood. The firm reality is that there ARE psychological disorders. They can be observed, and they can be safely treated with the right medication. Keep up your ridiculous argument all you want, but you’re losin’ it.

Cruise: Take all the drugs you want. Getting and staying in shape is a matter of simply making all the right moves – through diet and exercise. What’s good for the body is good for the mind.

Shields: I don’t think I can handle any more of this garbage. You’re sucking the life out of me with this inane drivel. I feel like I’m on an interview with a vampire.

Cruise: Come on, Brooke – it’s just a friendly disagreement. Your position on this really taps my curiosity. What do you say we continue disagreeing over a cocktail?

Shields: Strangely, I AM rather enjoying our little war of the worlds here. And I COULD go for a vanilla Skyy and tonic.

Cruise: I know a great place around the corner called Magnolia. You in?

Shields: Sounds fab.

Cruise: I wonder if there’s anything we would actually agree on.

Shields: That’s a tough call. How about the color of money?

Cruise: Seafoam green.

Shields: I’m thinking it’s more of a jade.

Cruise: No, no. That’s the actual name of it. Seafoam green. I’ve done all of the reading on it and know for a fact the color of money is seafoam.

Shields: How does Katie deal with your legendary ego?

Cruise: Ah, yes – my dearest Katie. We are in joyous love, Brooke. Endless love.

Shields: You’re a real pill, you know that? And not the good kind.

[Background: Brooke Shields spoke publicly about the merits of pharmacy, and wrote about her experience with anti-depressants in a book on post-partum depression. Cruise later criticized her for taking the drugs, and became particularly passionate about the issue in an interview with Matt Lauer on the Today show. Cruise, as you may know, is a hard-core believer in Scientology – the modern quasi-religion founded by L. Ron Hubbard. I went to their home page and could find no information on what these people actually believe. It’s all a bunch of slick marketing jargon and links to buy things that promise to help you live a richer, more fulfilling life. From what I could gather, their major push is to cleanse the body of unnatural, foreign agents in order to achieve physical and psychological harmony and balance (my interpretation). Not sure how this qualifies as a religion, but whatever floats their armada.]

My thoughts: Do whatever makes you happy as long as it doesn’t interfere with someone else’s happiness. And that’s all you need to know.

(BONUS: There are 27 references to 27 Tom Cruise movies in the above dialogue. They are not all easy to find. Spot them all and win a handshake from me – a $39.99 value! No, not REALLY. You think I'd really shake your hand? Please.)