MAPPING YOUR FUTURE

Want to go from Rag to Riches in less than 24 hours? Here's how!

But if you want to get there from here, you'd better use these directions instead.

Although if you've only got 14 hours left to live, you'll be better off making this trip instead From Here to Eternity.

Here's the slowest ride in the world: Zero to Sixty in 10 hours.

And finally, the shift nobody wants. A 22-hour trip from Nine to Five.

IT'S THE SAME OLD SONG

COME ON...THE DUDE IS AWESOME

[LOOKS LIKE THIS VIDEO WAS PULLED FROM YOU TUBE - PROBABLY FOR COPYRIGHT VIOLATION. IT WAS AN AMUSING EXCHANGE BETWEEN RON PAUL AND JAY LENO ON THE TONIGHT SHOW THIS PAST MONDAY.]

Presenting the ONLY Republican candidate who understands terrorism. After finishing with 10% of the popular vote in the Iowa Caucuses (more than twice the votes as Rudy Giuliani), Fox News Channel made the decision to exclude Ron Paul from participating in this weekend's New Hampshire debate. Interesting decision that seems to fly in the face of "fair" and/or "balanced" journalism. It's a testament to the substance of his ideas that he was denied the exposure he deserves. But the real tragedy here is that the American people are denied access to a broader selection of Republican Party candidates. Why would FNC unilaterally limit our choices? What are they afraid might happen? The fact is, they're catering to their viewers - the brainwashed masses.

Kudos to Leno for stepping up and giving Paul a little press. He's far from perfect, but Paul has integrity and he's the closest thing the Republican Party has to a brain. Here's part two of the interview...

PICKING UP (WHERE I LEFT OFF...)

I was recently sent these "redneck" pick-up lines and found them quite amusing. I shared them with my bride-to-be (yes, I am getting married - in case you haven't heard) and she laughed aloud at a number of them. In fact, she told me that if a guy ever tried one of these on her, she'd probably end up talking to him.

The lines are so obnoxious and unexpected, they're actually amusing - and a refreshing change of pace from the standard crap girls are used to hearing. In other words, these lines are so crazy they just might work! And since I can't experiment with them myself, I share the wealth with you.

Take notes all you single cats. One of these awkward come-ons may get your foot in the door...which might get your something else in something else. Just be sure to report back your progress.


Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.


Are your parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.


My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.


Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out.


Is there a mirror in your pants? Cuz I can see myself in 'em.


Fat Penguin.................Sorry. I just wanted to say somethin' that would break the ice.


I know I'm not no Fred Flinstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.


I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.


Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.


If you're gonna regret this in the morning, we can sleep til afternoon.


Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up!!!

MY KIND OF TOWN NEWSPAPER

President Bush paid a visit to Chicago today. He received this warm welcome from the Chicago Sun-Times. Nice.

THINGS I HATE: 2007

It's no secret - America is FUCKED up. We're not as fucked up as, say, North Korea. But we've got problems. Don't get me wrong. America is still a great place to live - especially if you cherish your inalienable rights to go into debt buying as much stuff as you can on credit, eat until you're so full it hurts, and sue whoever is in the vicinity when something unfortunate happens to you.

Okay, maybe I'm being a little hard on Mother America. But it's only because I love her and wish she weren't so lost. How did we end up here? I mean, for criminy's sake, how can it be that a 15 year-old pregnancy is more newsworthy than an outrageously bloated military budget? It is seriously laughable (how oxymoronic is that?) that we spend the percentage of our national budget that we do on guns and ammo. And equally laughable that we remain culturally obsessed with celebrity, instead of accountability in government - where our elected leaders continue approving obnoxious amounts of OUR tax dollars to support the insatiable appetite of the military industrial complex.

Fucking nuts, I tell you.

It's simple math. When over HALF the national budget every year is funneled into military (past and present) spending. That means over half of the money the government takes out of YOUR paycheck every two weeks is buying more bombs, tanks, jets, bombers, satellites, guns, and oil to support them all. We are so focused on military spending, things like education, infrastructure, and health care continue to get the shaft. Entire fucking third world countries are wireless hotspots. We're way behind the curve here and the only way to get this country back on track is to deny incumbency to the elected officials who keep us here.

This kicks off my year-end rant on things that pissed me off in 2007. It's been a while since I went off on shit that annoys me, so this is going to feel good. But I need to get it out of my system now because 2008 is going to be fucking rock star.

THINGS I HATE

***** Universal Health Care Naysayers *****

Can't be done. Doesn't work. Costs too much. Long lines. Poor service. Blah blah blah. These people have been force-fed a line from the billion-dollar health care establishment that runs the risk of getting cut out of the middle if we make the radical (read: rational) decision to follow the lead of far healthier nations in providing guaranteed health care for every man, woman, and child in America.

Newsflash - it CAN be done. It DOES work. It actually costs LESS when there's an an emphasis on preventive care. There aren't long lines for medical treatment in a healthy society. Believe it or not, medical service is actually BETTER when medical practitioners are given incentives for encouraging patients to make healthier lifestyle decisions (i.e. wear a condom, quit smoking, lose 15 pounds, etc.). If people lead healthier lives, they require less medical attention - it's really not that complicated. But you know who that hurts, right? The pharmaceutical companies who LIVE off of the dying and the sick. They're spending a lot of money in Washington to fight universal health care because it's bad for business. And they pay slick spinsters to tell campfire horror stories in front of the cameras to scare us into thinking health care must remain privatized for our own safety. And that's simply not true.

It's easy to buy into the hype about "socialized" medicine when corporate-funded talking heads are relentlessly bashing it in the media. Sometimes all people need are a few soundbytes of information to form an opinion about something. People - we need to stop listening to what these assclowns are telling us about health care and take a LOOK at what's actually happening out there. People around the world...in nations where health care is provided as a fundamental human right, are laughing at how backwards we have it. It's inconceivable to them that America can continue failing to meet the most basic health care needs of millions of people year after year.


***** RADNDOM-OPOLY *****

Holy shit this franchise is out of control. Everywhere you look these days there's a gimmicky version of Monopoly. I'm done with it. The original game is a classic. Why would they feel the need to pimp out their good name and turn the monopoly man into a co-branded whore? And I've seen some really bad ones. Fishing-opoly. Are you fucking kidding me? Who buys this crap? These novelty games exploit affiliations and interest for the purpose of luring last-minute shoppers into buying something that will get a 2-second laugh and then get stashed in the crawlspace for time immemorial. It's time to put these dumbass product extensions to bed. Here are a few of the more ricockulous Monopoly-based spin-off titles I've seen (actual titles with my custom enhancements in parens).

I Love Lucy Edition (Red properties are wild cards that can be paired with others)

Dale Earnhardt Edition (You're instantly out of the game if you roll an 8)

Lord of the Rings Edition (Only $25 for passing "Go", for a much LONGER game)

Pokemon Edition (You have to collect every single property on the board to have a Monopoly)

Coca-Cola Edition (Start with a full set of teeth and lose one tooth every trip around the board)

Red Sox Edition (CHANCE CARD = "Get caught with HGH, pay $100,000 and lose 3 turns")

Star Trek: The Next Generation Edition (Can be played alone since it is unlikely the owner of this would have any friends)

Snoopy Edition (No cash - played with peanuts)

Ford Thunderbird Edition (The railroads are gas stations and cost $500 to land on)

Transformers Edition (Game pieces can change shape, so when you land on a space occupied by another player, you can destroy them)

U.S. Air Force Edition (Every time you land on a spot it is obliterated and you must pay a billion dollars to fix it up before it can be used)

World Cup Edition (Sorry - no hands allowed. Roll with your toes.)

X-Men Edition (See Star Trek Edition)

Golf Edition (Adult rules for "swingers." Will YOU get a hole in one?)

Harley Davidson Edition (I know better than to make fun of this franchise)



You can even "make-your-own-opoly"! It's out of control and someone needs to stop it.


***** Consumerism *****

Did you see the news reports of people sleeping in tents outside of big box stores all over the country on Thanksgiving night so they could be the first people in the stores the following Friday morning? You'd think it was the last day of shopping - EVER. What was the big rush? Were the Cabbage Patch Kids making a comeback?

Haven't we figured it out yet? These open-at-4am "sales" are promotional stunts to get people to buy more stuff we don't need by masking over-priced, disposable consumer goods as must-have deals of the century. And we're in hook, line, and sinker. These stores aren't doing us any favors by opening up at 4am - we're doing THEM the favor by showing up! It is actually a pretty reliable mark of insanity that an otherwise "sane" person would brave the elements for the privilege of "saving" $5 on something they won't be using in 6 months. We need to get out of line and get back into the lives of the people who are important to us.

***** Crocs *****

One word: Fugly. They're not even remotely cute on kids, and adults who wear them look even sillier. There's just something about a nation of people who don't grow (or cook) their own food pretending to be casual gardeners and chefs. It sure is nice to have shoes you can hose off, though - right? Just in case something spills? Might be nicer if they didn't have fucking holes in the top so that anything you might want to hose off later can infiltrate your sock. Crocs are as remarkable an invention as high-heel galoshes. You can find them on sale at the intersection of "unattractive" meets "impractical." I've been told they're comfortable. So are slippers, but we don't wear those to work. Who sets these trends in motion and why are so many people eager to hop on board?

***** Gift Cards *****

It's amazing. Now I can buy gift cards at the GROCERY store that can be redeemed at OTHER stores - like Target, Starbucks, and Best Buy. I see the big display there with all of those colorful plastic cards on pretty cardboard hangers and can't help but wonder, "Who the fuck buys these?" If I want to buy someone a gift, I'll buy them a GIFT - not a gift card. And if I want them to give them a choice so they can buy something they want, I'll give them the universal gift card known as CASH, which is good at EVERY store - not just the one with the pretty logo. News Flash - retailers make a killing on gift cards because people don't use them. Cards get lost. They get filed away for another time when the same $20 won't get you $20 worth of merchandise. Some cards get old and lose value. Some cards won't entitle the user to cash back for the difference, which means you have to spend all of it to get all of it, which usually means spending money out of your pocket to cover any difference. Gift cards do look pretty and sound convenient - but they're one of the biggest scams ever perpetrated on the American consumer.

***** Whining Smokers *****

The State of Illinois and the City of Chicago recently made it illegal to smoke in public, aside from specially designated areas. This includes restaurants, bars, parks, theaters, sports venues, and other places where people come into contact with other people as part of being out in the world. It's fucking sweet. I don't have to choke on someone else's life-shortening habit while I'm trying to enjoy a concert or cup of chili at the neighborhood bar. Doctors have been telling us for decades that smoking WILL kill you, but people are not always rational. All most smokers care about is getting their next nicotine fix. So it's no surprise they feel like their rights are being trampled upon. Unfortunately for smokers, the right to kill yourself does not coexist well with the right NOT to kill yourself - an argument non-smokers finally won in successfully championing legislation that banned the dirty habit from all places public. Most people are digging the change hard core. But every so often you'll hear someone bitching about the fact that there's "no where left to smoke." So fucking quit you fucking baby. I was cloaked in your second-hand smoke for YEARS - coughing and gagging on your wretched exhaust without a single word. And when my asthma kicked in and I could barely fucking breathe, did I complain about it and ask you to stop? No. I fucking bummed a smoke from your pathetic ass so I could join club cool and be a sport. (Probably not the smartest idea, in hindsight) The new law is a wake up call. Smoking is out, baby. Drop it.

***** Global Warming *****

Our globe is warming. This comes after millennia of cooling. After it warms gradually for another 40,000 years or so, it will likely cool again. But we won't be around to enjoy the fresh air conditioning because we'll have wiped ourselves out by then. Global warming, man-made or not, is not the end of the world. It's the end of the world as we know it - which is not the same thing. This chunk of rock that we're on? It's going to be around for a lot longer than we are. It was here for millions of years. Back then it was hot, but habitable. There were these things called dinosaurs that ruled the air, land, and sea. And then they were gone. And then it got really cold, but habitable, and there were woolly mammoths and other thick-skinned mammals that looked like something hatched in the privacy of a secluded, off-shore, third-world lab. They, too, met their demise. And now here we are. Lucky for us. Global warming will be a test of our ability to adapt. We're not quite as nimble as we once had been. There was a time when we were all responsible for feeding, protecting, clothing, and housing ourselves. These days we count on farmers, police, military, textile companies, builders, plumbers, electricians, and so on and so forth, to provide for us everything we need to survive. What happens when our predictable world becomes less predictable? Can we marshal our resources and make the necessary adjustments to survive? Can we migrate to higher ground? Will we be able to rebuild in previously inhabitable places? If the temperature skyrockets, we'll need to move north and south to cooler climes. Who will be left when the world warms, the oceans rise, and coastal communities worldwide are 40 feet under water? Makes for great science fiction, doesn't it? An asteroid or solar flare will probably spell our demise long before we have to wrestle with that reality. All I know is it's 65 degrees in Chicago today. Global warming sure feels good to me.

***** Change *****

The incomparable Geri Lynn and I had some friends over this weekend and we decided to turn the Democratic Party Debate in new Hampshire into a drinking game. The rules were simple. We each picked a candidate and had to drink whenever:

Edwards used the words "Mill" or "Sharecropper"
Obama used the word "Hope"
Clinton used the word "Experience"
Richardson said something remotely intelligible

And then we had a social every time any of the candidates used the word "change."

This last rule was the killer. It had us chugging at times as the candidates hammered home the rhetoric on this abstract promise repeatedly. You couldn't go thirty seconds without hearing the word. We had two beers down and decided to quit just 12 minutes into the game because our livers were not going to do well with so much change. This got me thinking - all 4 of the candidates are current members of Congress in the majority party. Why aren't they forcing change now if they're so big on it? They have the numbers. They have the mandate from the people. They have the means. They just don't have the balls. The only Democratic candidate with the balls to take some action on real, significant change was Dennis Kucinich - who initiated impeachment proceedings for Vice President Cheney. His reward? Exclusion from participating in the debate! Don't rock the boat, Denny.

Do we really want change or do we just want to hear about it? I'm ready for real change. Change in the tax code. Change in social security. Change in foreign policy. Change in our national priorities. I want to see one of these Democratic Party candidates step up and initiate some real change before November instead of yammering on and on about it. Don't tell me what you want to do and what you plan to do - do something NOW and prove you are an actual agent of change.

***** Polls *****

I want polls banned from all public discourse. I don't want to hear what "the people" think. I AM the people. I don't want to know who is leading in South Carolina. I don't want to know who wins what match-up. It's all hypothetical, and all of this reporting on hypothetical scenarios is going to have an impact on the real one. We let the media inside our minds with all of these numbers. They infect our senses so we're not sure what to do or who to support or whether we should even bother voting because "the American people" have already decided. But we're addicted to polls. They're part of every newscast now - and often used to support the most asinine of conclusions depending on the editorial spin. Is it 45% support X, or 55% oppose X? Same study, different message. There's a new poll out every 14 minutes it seems. Stop the madness!

Okay - I'm good now. Wow that felt good. I need to clear the air around here more often. Let's make something great of 08.

COMPUTER BRILLIANCE

This animation is amazing. Took the artist 5 months to build, but it's wildly creative and a joy to watch. Check it out!

NICE RANT ON '07

I was going to do a little bitching about shit I hate when I stumbled upon this gem. It's a link to 50 loathsome people and it's a scream. I thought I'd end up skimming just a few of the entries, but found myself reading ALL of them for their entertainment value. This is language art.

And now it's so jammed it's having capacity problems. Well, hope it's back up by the time you decide to check it out. And you will. It's that good.

PORN LINK OF THE DAY

I've been around for quite some time. And in that time I've seen a lot of sick, twisted shit on this thing called the internet. But this site has got to be the sickest shit I have EVER seen. Dudes be warned - not for the weak of stomach.

Although something tells me the ladies might dig it.

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL'S MAJOR MUSCLE HUSTLE

Everyone's been wondering - is A-Rod actually A-Roid?

Nope.

Not according to the names listed in the Mitchell Report at least. Who DID make it? Here's the list of well-known MLB players that will be announced at 1pm CST. You get it now because I know people who know people who know people. You're welcome. (Of course, I cannot vouch for the accuracy of all of the names, so read at your own risk. This is just what I hear.)

All-stars and MVPs galore!

Chad Allen
Manny Alexander
Rick Ankiel
Mike Bell
David Bell
Gary Bennett Jr.
Marvin Benard
Larry Bigbie
Barry Bonds
Kevin Brown
Paul Byrd
Ken Caminiti
Jose Canseco
Mark Carreon
Jason Christiansen
Howie Clark
Roger Clemens
Jack Cust
Brendan Donnelly
Lenny Dykstra
Bobby Estalella
Matt Franco
Ryan Franklin
Eric Gagne
Jason Giambi
Jeremi Giambi
Jay Gibbons
Troy Glaus
Jason Grimsley
Jose Guillen
Jerry Hairston Jr.
Matt Herges
Phil Hiatt
Glenallen Hill
Darren Holmes
Todd Hundley
David Justice
Chuck Knoblauch
Tim Laker
Mike Lansing
Paul Lo Duca
Nook Logan
Josias Manzanillo
Gary Matthews Jr.
Cody McKay
Kent Mercker
Bart Miadich
Hal Morris
David Naulty
Denny Neagle
Jim Parque
Andy Pettitte
Adam Piatt
Todd Pratt
Stephen Randolph
Adam Riggs
Brian Roberts
John Rocker
F.P. Santangelo
Benito Santiago
Gary Sheffield
Scott Schoeneweis
David Segui
Mike Stanton
Miguel Tejada
Ismael Valdez
Mo Vaughn
Randy Velarde
Ron Villone
Fernando Vina
Rondell White
Todd Williams
Jeff Williams
Matt Williams
Steve Woodard
Kevin Young
Gregg Zaun

Wow - Barry BONDS? That is unbelievable! Say it isn't Sosa? This is too much for me to handle. I may never go to another Cubs game again!

What? They did what? They signed Japanese sensation Fukudome? With a name like Fuck-You-Do-Me he's got to be great. Sign me up for a jersey and season tickets.

Let's play ball!

STUFF MADE SIMPLE

Thanks to JB for sharing this wonderfully insightful gem.

It's called the
Story of Stuff and it will walk you through our system of consumption from start to finish - in simple terms. Where does our "stuff" come from? Where does it go when we get rid of it?

It's quite eye-opening, I have to say. 20 minutes of facts delivered at a comfortable pace so you can actually absorb it. (NOTE: One of the sections had trouble loading - just skip ahead if it happens to you)

Did you know that 99% of the "stuff" we consume - virtually all of it - is trash within 6 months? It's true. Not only that, but it was specifically DESIGNED to end up in the trash. If "stuff" lasted longer, we wouldn't have a need to buy more of it!

Seems hard to believe at first, but think about it. All of the stuff harvested, mined, crafted, manufactured, assembled, shipped, stored, sold, and used by Americans is trashed within 180 days. Practically everything we buy is disposable - and priced that way so we can go out and buy more. That's an awful lot of "stuff" we're going through - and fast.

It doesn't take a Rhodes Scholar to recognize that this level of consumption is a problem.

I highly recommend you check out the Story of Stuff. It's making me re-think my holiday shopping list, as well as my resolution for the New Year - which will be to use less stuff. It's not that hard, really, if you ignore trends, forsake fashion, and invest in things that are built to last.

Everything else is just passing slowly through your house on the way to the dump. The first step is awareness - which is the goal of this great presentation. We won't be motivated to change our behavior if we don't understand why it is harmful. Understanding how our collective consumption habits are affecting the environment, our happiness, and the global economy is a key first step toward moving us off of goods for a greater good.

TOILETIQUETTE • A TOP TEN

Chances are you’ve used a restroom before. And if you’ve used a restroom, you've probably made one of the 10 classic bathroom blunders. Here they are – a handy list of common bathroom mistakes you’ll want to avoid if at all possible.






#10 The Lockdown
Whether your workplace shares a single-commode bathroom, you’re at a roadside Carl’s Jr., or you’re visiting relatives over the holidays, here’s one you’ll want to heed: lock that door. There are few life moments as tense as realizing, mid-loaf, that you may be stormed upon at any moment due to an unlocked door. Every second hangs like an eternity in the balance. And there are few moments in life as awkward as when it actually happens. Trust me – I’ve been on both ends of this bad boy. Play it safe and lock the door whenever possible.

#9 The Roll Check
This one’s bathroom 101. If you’re planning to make a deposit, make sure there are enough deposit slips to complete the transaction. It really destroys the mojo of a good dump when you realize immediately after that there’s nothing within arms reach to wipe with. I had a friend so insistent on a post-game wipe-down he actually used the socks on his feet to get a little fabric between his cheeks. The only reason I ever found out about his coup d’toilet was because he couldn’t flush them and “accidentally” left them rolled up in the corner of my bathroom. The entire situation was hard to handle. Literally. Anyhow, your better bet is to be in the habit of checking the roll before you sit down just to make sure there’s enough paper to do the job. Then you won’t end up doing the penguin dance, sashaying awkwardly across the bathroom floor with your ass in the air and your pants around your ankles in search of the Charmin.

#8 Forget to Flush
Who hasn’t made this “faux poos” once or twice? You get preoccupied by a knock on the door or a cellphone call and leave the stall without giving the handle a crank. Life happens, and with it, shit. Think of all the times you forgot to flush and didn’t even realize it – right before a co-worker, romantic interest, or new acquaintance followed you into the bunghole jungle to discover your pet anaconda swollen and coiled up like a fire hose in a porcelain pot. Not exactly the kind of impression you’d knowingly leave on anyone, unless you by chance found yourself entertaining the Cheneys. Sometimes I’ll actually stand above the bowl and watch everything go down to make absolutely certain it’s gone. You’d be surprised how many dumps warrant the double flush, as remnants and pieces float back up into the bowl for another go. Don’t leave ass shrapnel for the next guest to uncover when they lift the lid – always flush until the job is done.

#7 Check the Floor
When in a foreign restroom, always check the floor around the base of the commode before dropping trou. If the seal isn’t sound, there may be standing water – which isn’t that big of a deal until your pants hit the tile and start soaking it all up. You won’t even know it’s happening until you hike your drawers up afterward and discover your entire crotch is sopping with toilet runoff. Since you can’t take your pants off and ring out the damage like a dishrag, you’ll end up having to blast your pelvic region with the hand dryer for a good ten minutes until things are just uncomfortably damp. Trust me – always LOOK down before you SIT down.

#6 Paper Shoe
This one’s been around so long I’m surprised I still see it – but I do still see it. It all starts when, at some point during your rest stop, your shoe gets a little moist from the water on the floor. If you then happen to step upon a loose piece of toilet paper, the moisture causes the paper to stick to your foot. If it’s thin enough, you won’t even feel it’s down there. So you start dragging it around with you everywhere you go. Sometimes these pet paper trails drift for feet in your wake like the snaking ribbons in a Chinese gymnastics routine. It can create quite the scene. To avoid the embarrassment, just check your shoes on the way out. Takes half a second and will spare you all kinds of unwanted attention.


#5 The Blind Rinse
I bet you never thought your good hygiene would turn against you, but if you aren’t careful, it may do just that. I’ve been in many a restroom where the paper towel supply is completely out or the hand dryer is out of order – only I didn’t realize it until after I washed my hands. So I basically end up standing there with soaking wet hands and nothing to dry them on except my tie. Worse – sometimes there’s no soap either. This happens a lot at the ballpark where I think I am setting a good example for the thousands of slobs who are in and out of the loo without even glancing at the sink. Instead, I often end up getting my dirty hands wet, then realize I have no soap to wash them with, no dryer to dry them with, and no paper towels to wipe them with. And as fellow fans stream freely about me on either side, I’m standing there like a moron in the middle hurriedly wiping my dirty wet hands all over my jeans so I don’t miss anything good. Sometimes it’s a good idea to learn from the mistakes of others, eying up the successes and failures of fellow patrons before committing yourself to a quick rinse.

#4 Sitting On The Back of Seat
Here’s one that doesn’t happen too frequently, but I’ve witnessed enough of it second hand to warrant listing it here. Folks – I know you like to make yourselves comfortable when you’re settling in for a nice long dump session…but you must mind how far your ass works itself back on the toilet seat. If your rear is too far back on the rear of the seat, when you pull the trigger on your shit pistol there’s going to be some collateral damage. Depending upon the angle of your asshole and the force behind your lower bowel’s initial thrust, you may inadvertently leave a thumb sliver of the brown round on an otherwise tidy bowl. And the worst part is, you’d never know to look for it. You’d just wipe as normal and be on your way. Meanwhile, the next person to visit ground zero is left wondering why there is a thumb sliver of brown round on the back of the seat. My advice to you is simple – shit down, not back. Don’t lean forward too much, don’t sit back too far, and don’t push too hard if you anticipate a gassy mix.

#3 Forgetting to Put the Seat Down
As a child, I was brought up to raise the seat before peeing and to put it down when I was done. Seemed like a lot of extra work to me, so when I was older and off on my own I decided to just leave it up all the time to expedite my trips. I didn’t see the logic in the constant up and down until the day I had to shit something fierce, barged into my apartment, scrambled to the john and unexpectedly dunked my entire ass into a frigid pool of bowl water. When seconds count, having the seat down can save your ass an unexpected dip in the drink. This is a long-time battle between men and women that I came around on in one fateful afternoon. Keeping the seat down doesn’t just help in case of emergencies, it’s also good for crapping in the dark and/or when you’re under the influence of one or more controlled substances. Or so I hear.

#2 Lean and Lose
The odds of this happening to you dramatically increase with the number of alcoholic beverages you’ve consumed. You’ve just tidied up after a relieving release, tucked your shirt in, straightened out your pants, and buckled up your belt. To complete the trip, you lean forward to flush away the unidentifiable remains of yesterday’s bean burrito when – SHIT! – your cellphone slips out of your jacket pocket and into the bowl. This has almost happened to me more times than I can count. To date, my cat-like reflexes have spared me the agonizing decision of whether or not to attempt a marine rescue of my Motorola lifeline. It helps to be aware of your angle when reaching across a loaded bowl, as well as any valuable articles on your person with the potential to slip from your possession during the reach. I often stash spare dollars in my shirt pocket, keys in my jacket, or my phone somewhere on my upper body so I can hear it ring when I’m walking about. A number of close calls later I now know to lean and flush from the side of the bowl and not over it. You would be wise to do the same.

#1 Don’t Realize You’re Not Alone
There’s nothing like having the entire restroom to yourself to actually REST. Relax. Whistle your favorite tune. Tap your toes innocently. Sing the theme from the Love Boat. Give the acoustics a test with some bassy blasts from your hind quarters. Moan with satisfaction as you unleash the Kraken. Whatever. It’s all good in the privacy of a restroom that’s all your own. Until you step out from your stall and realize there was someone sitting next to you the entire time. I once gave some dude a courtesy heads-up because I felt embarrassed for him. I had just sidled up to a urinal to take a leak when I heard his ass sputtering in a nearby stall like an idling chainsaw. Suddenly, he rips this gargantuan fart with all the force he could muster and I could just tell he had no idea I was there. So I gave him a vote of confidence to get him through it. “Nice one, bro,” I offered politely. There was dead silence.

MAKER'S MARK

Winter hasn't even started yet and I'm already dreaming of spring. Here's a little ditty I wrote back in 2007. I call it Maker's Mark.

MAKER'S MARK

I'm melting away in the February sunset
Sure enjoyed my stay, I guess I've no regrets about it
All that's left to say is thanks for everything

I'm swimming in myself as the wind is getting warmer
Drowning in my tears as I'm slowly losing form
You're moving onto something else as winter moves to spring

You made me beautiful
You gave me this nose
And when I'm gone you'll go on with your life
Until it snows
I suppose that's the way life goes

I'm drifting to sleep as I drip away the hours
Watering the weeds beneath me so there will be flowers
It's the least that I can do for all you've done for me

Like the soul behind my eyes and the spirit in my humor
When a snowman dies you know I think I heard a rumor
I'll be back again someday...just you wait and see

You made me beautiful
You gave me this nose
And when I'm gone you'll go on with your life
Until it snows
I suppose that's the way life goes

I'm melting away in the February sunset
Sure enjoyed my stay, I guess I've no regrets about it
All that's left to say is thanks for everything

IMAGINE A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE

TIGHT FITNESS

A buddy here at the office told me he was hanging out with Chuck Norris last night. The guy is so VIP I actually believed him for a short time - until he revealed that he was merely partying with someone who RESEMBLED Chuck Norris. So much for that vicarious brush with greatness. I almost had a cool story to share. Instead, all I have for you is verification from the alternative community that Tom Cruise does, in fact, butter his bread on both sides. But you didn't hear that from me. I don't want to incur the wrath of the greater Scientologist community.

On a somewhat unrelated note, the thing I love most about Chuck Norris, besides his well-tailored beard (of course), now that I think about it, is how versatile that motherfucker is. Here's a martial arts expert who Hollywood turned into a no-nonsense Texas Ranger and he was totally cool with it. They said, "Chuck, hear us out. We're going to put you deep in the heart of Texas in cowboy boots and tight jeans and have you work some of your karate magic. How does that sound?"

Could they have made it any more difficult? "Wait - you want me to kick ass wearing cowboy boots and skin tight Wranglers? I suppose I could do that. How much does it pay?"

The whole idea makes me appreciate Chuck Norris even more.

HOLY NIGHT!

FOR AMERICA

***************************

America Heads for the Trash Can of History

by Paul Craig Roberts (Reposted without permission in the interest of saving America by the silly monkey AYNtK)

[http://www.opednews.com]

Tell A Friend

****************************

11/28/07 "ICH" --- -- In new books writers as disparate as Naomi Wolf and Pat Buchanan conclude that America as we know her is disappearing. Both writers hope, but are not confident, that enough Americans will catch on in time to find the leadership to pull America back from the brink.

If polls are reliable, a majority of Americans are dissatisfied with President Bush and Congress. However, Americans are far short of Wolf and Buchanan's grasp of our peril.

Americans are unable to connect their dissatisfaction with the current political leadership with their choice of new leaders. All polls show that Hillary Clinton is far in the lead for the Democratic presidential nomination and Rudy Giuliani is far in the lead for the Republican nomination These are the only two candidates guaranteed to be worse than Bush/Cheney.

Both Hillary and Rudy are committed to the war. Both refuse to rule out expanding the war to Iran and beyond. Both are totally in the pocket of the Israel Lobby. Indeed, practically every Giuliani advisor is a member of the Lobby. Both defend the police state measures that "protect us from terrorism." And neither gives a hoot for the US Constitution and the civil liberties it guarantees. The Republican Giuliani is likely to overturn the Second Amendment even quicker than the Democrat Hillary.

Both Hillary and Rudy are creatures of ambition, not of principle. Both are one up on Karl Marx. Marx said truth serves class interests. For Hillary and Rudy, truth is what serves their individual interests. They both wear black hats, and the horse they ride is called power.

Yet in November polls, Republicans prefer Giuliani by a margin of five or six to one over Ron Paul, the only principled Republican candidate and a person who without any doubt believes in the Constitution and would protect it.

Democrats prefer Hillary by a margin of twenty to one over Dennis Kucinich, the only member of Congress sufficiently concerned and courageous to introduce impeachment against the notorious war criminal Dick Cheney. By margins as much as forty-four to one, Democrats prefer Hillary to Senator Christopher Dodd, who promises to give America back its Constitution in the first hour of his administration. Former Alaska Senator Mike Gravel does not even register in the polls.

Obviously, the American people haven't a clue. In November 2007 they show a distinct preference for leaders who are even worse than the ones with whom they are currently dissatisfied. What does this tell us about the American people and their commitment to be sufficiently informed for democracy to function?

It tells us that they are not up to the challenge. It is only a matter of time before America succumbs to the plutocracy, against which Warren Buffet recently warned Congress, or the fascist tyranny that Naomi Wolf sees in our future.

A LITTLE CREATIVITY

This Mini owner and devoted Buckeye fan didn't care for her Michigan state license plate options, so she made the best out of what she had.

Rivalries are cool.

SUB-PRIMAL FEAR

It seems the word "foreclosure" has been popping up more and more these days - due in large part to the predictable (if only in hindsight) collapse of the sub-prime mortgage market, a dangerous lending practice recently uncovered as an institution-wide money-making scheme gone south.

If you are unfamiliar with exactly how a handful of financial giants ruined the dream of home ownership for millions of hard-working, low-to-middle-income Americans, I recommend you watch this clip. The participants break down the sub-prime mortgage scandal in such a way as to make it both accessible and entertaining.

Thanks to JB for sharing...

ANOTHER BRICK ON THE MALL

If you're a Chicago White Sox fan or a St. Louis Cardinals fan, you've got to take advantage of this amazing opportunity to stick it to the Chicago Cubs! I'm a Cubs fan, and it pains me to see they're shamelessly hawking personalized plaza stones to bring in a few extra bucks. There's no way I'd fork over $175 to have people step all over my good name. But if I were a Sox fan, I'd sure as shit invest in a brick that forever jams their recent World Series victory down the north-siders' throats. Whose brilliant idea was this?

THE MONKEY HAS A SISTER?

Is that my little sister running for elected office? You'd better believe it. And if she ever lets me spill ALL the beans, you're not going to believe the stories I have to tell about the sorry state of our nation's twisted political system. Grisham-esque.

What we need is complete turnover of every publicly held office in America. New blood. New leadership. New ideas. And this lady sure knows her stuff. She ought to - she and I are cut from the same simian cloth. Monkey see good, monkey do good.

IT'S NOT IN THE BAG, IT'S IN THE TEA

There's a Tea Party brewing...and you're invited! The establishment and fourth estate can jam Rudy and Hillary down our throats all year long, but they can't step into the voting booth with us. Let's shake shit up, people.

Viva la Revolucion!

FOX NEWS PORN

Here's a brilliant follow-up to the expose on Fox News Channel's smut affinity. It's called Fox News Porn - a mock website assembled from actual Fox footage that mimics the look and feel of an adult entertainment site. May as well be hosted by the pimp dad himself, Bill Oh!Reilly.

TO HILLARY IN A HANDBASKET

Here's an enlightening article on how campaign aides at a recent Clinton appearance prepped audience members by assigning them softball questions to ask. The student in the article blew the whistle after a staffer told her not to ask the question she wanted to ask, but to instead ask her this OTHER question, which was all typed up and ready to go in a campaign binder.

At some point, after initially going along with the charade, it dawned on the student that the entire episode was a load of fucking horseshit - so she squealed like a good little American piggy. Yes - I suppose it does make answering questions a little easier if you know what they are in advance. In school, this is called "cheating." Students are warned that behavior of this nature is a violation of ethics, and punishable by expulsion. Sadly, in politics, it's par for the course.

If you're not cheating, you're not trying hard enough.

PUERCO RICO

Every so often I have one of those "heaven on earth" moments where I think to myself life just can't get any better than it is right now. About ten minutes ago I had another such moment while eating what was, without question, the very best roasted pork burrito I have ever had.

Wow.

Still recovering from the experience. And now I'm lapsing into a post-burrito funk - that emotional low following the sensory high of eating something so perfect. I may be in the early stages of addiction here. What was in that burrito? Cilantro! The cilantro gets me every time.

I need more. I have to have more.

A PUCKIN' SHAME

The subject of hockey cheerleaders came up at work the other day. Don’t ask me how. But I did take a pretty firm stance on it that surprised some people. I don’t like it. Period. First period. Second period. Third period. Don’t like the idea at all. Not in favor it.

I don’t know if you’ve been to an NHL hockey game recently, but I can tell you that during timeouts at Chicago Blackhawks games, a squad of skinny girls in tight-fitting clothes cruises out onto the ice with shovels to clear away slush from around the goalie boxes. It's a pretty important job that stadium management determined would be best handled by a crack crew of exotic dancers and night-club bartenders on their day off.

Of course, clearing away slush isn't REALLY their purpose. (The fact is, they clear away very little slush from around the net.) Their REAL purpose is to sex up the sport a little by giving all of the men in the arena something to look at while the athletes are catching their breath. To be completely honest, I find it a little insulting. "Why?" the oversexed heterosexual male might ask. Because I don’t go to hockey games to ogle women. I just don’t. I don’t go to strip clubs to ogle women, either – but if I wanted to ogle women, that’s where I would go...a strip club. Not a fucking hockey game. I go to a hockey game to eat cold, overpriced stadium food, drink flat domestic beer, and watch men with wooden sticks run into each other at high speeds. Gawking at big-bosomed women in tight lycra jumpsuits isn't on the agenda.

So, no, I don’t care for the cheap-ass peep show on ice. And the more I thought about it, the more I started realizing how some element of sex seems infused into virtually everything these days. Even the NEWS! Fox "News" Channel, not surprisingly, is the worst. While they claim to take the high road, it's clear to even the casual viewer what's going on here. Check out this fine segment undressing FOX one hypocritical example of poor taste after the next.







Okay. So sex sells, they say. I get it. But where does it end? I’m already in the ice rink – I already bought the ticket. I already bought the beer. What are the ice girls selling me? An experience? Come on. Can we stop objectifying young women already, perpetuating the illusion that the primary measure of their worth is in turning heads. Women are more valuable to society than this, aren't they? Seriously.

ICE GIRLS: I bet more than a few of these ladies can make a mean ham sandwich, too. It's a real puckin' shame...













Here it is in a nutshell. Just as women resent being portrayed as sex objects, I resent when men are viewed as sex-obsessed objects. I have other interests, you know. Like sports. And gambling. And bar trivia. I am more than a sexual impulse. I am more than a desire to procreate. I am more than a seed seeking purchase. So, yes, it’s a little insulting when it is presumed that women in provocative dress will add value to my experience as a hockey fan. And I also find it disrespectful to the female partners of the fans, who just roll their eyes when the ice girls skate out and do their thing. What's the point to all of this visual temptation anyhow? It's not going anywhere. Come to think of it, neither is this post.

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE, #17

Michael Jackson on the cover of Ebony magazine.

Wow.

That's like putting Jesus on the cover of Scientific American.

Or Hillary on the cover of the New Yorker.

THE WRITERS STRIKE BACK

The terrorists have won. I concede. They finally did it. America is about to become a crippled shadow of its former self.

Somehow Al-Qaeda managed to infiltrate Hollywood, persuading the Writer's Guild of America to go on strike, a move expected to force much of American television entertainment programming into repeats! YES, REPEATS! Just when it's about to get cold outside they hit us with re-reruns. This is simply unthinkable.

They really know how to hit us where it hurts, don't they?

In all seriousness, the WGA did go on strike, and that could mean lights out for some of your favorite shows this year. Here's a select breakdown of shows I have actually heard of for your files:

Late Night TV

"Colbert Report" and "The Daily Show"
Status: Will go into repeats immediately.

"The Tonight Show" and "The Conan O'Brien Show"
Status: Will go into repeats immediately.

"Jimmy Kimmel Live"
Status: Staffed with WGA writers, so it would probably go to repeats. But Kimmel may decide to wing it.

"Nightline"
Status: Will remain live and in originals. Sadly, I more Americans will likely prefer to watch Conan reruns than learn something new and interesting about the world around them.

ABC
"Lost"
Status: Expected to have eight out of 16 episodes ready.

"Cavemen"
Status: Expected to have 12 out of 13 episodes completed; has not received an order for a full season.

"The View"
Status: Will continue uninterrupted, according to a spokesman. Thank heavens.

"Dirty Sexy Money"
Status: Expected have between 11 and 13 episodes completed.

"Brothers & Sisters"
Status: Expected to have either 11 or 12 episodes completed.

CBS

"Jericho"
Status: Will have seven of seven episodes.

NBC

"Friday Night Lights"
Status: Expected to complete 15 of 22 episodes.

"Scrubs"
Status: Expected to complete 12 of 18 episodes.

Fox

"24"
Status: Will have eight or nine out of 24 episodes completed. Midseason, none have aired yet.


FX

"Nip/Tuck"
Status: 22 episodes planned for two cycles: 14 to run from now to February and eight next year. All 14 in the first cycle have been written.

"The Shield"
Status: The final season is written, no date set for airing.

"Rescue Me"
Status: 5th season, just announced, would be affected since production is expected to start in early '08.

HBO

"Entourage" and "Big Love"
Status: Are currently in the writing stages and were scheduled to air in the summer of 2008.

"The Wire"
Status: Completed and will air as scheduled.



******


Soaps are also screwed, as they rely on day-to-day writing staff. But Survivor and other reality programming like Big Brother and the Amazing Race will likely survive the WGA strike.

So WHY are the writers on strike? Did someone replace the regular coffee with decaffeinated? Not exactly. It's all about the internet and how more original content is being broadcast, syndicated, and made available online. The networks are claiming ownership of their online content without affording the writers an opportunity to benefit from residuals - an industry term for additional income earned when content is rebroadcast, or in the case of the internet, re-accessed by an audience. The writers see their residuals being affected by the internet and would like to negotiate a revenue sharing deal with the networks execs, who apparently seem to think modern television programming writes itself.

All I know is, this is my big shot! Time to get a writing sample in front of the Conan folks!

THE MIRACLE OF DUCT TAPE

Looks like duct tape also fixes cracks.

Very good to know.

MILK IT UNTIL IT TURNS TO CHEESE

As you may have heard, there’s a new Rambo flick coming out in a couple of months. Stallone resumes his role as John Rambo, this time leading an expedition into the jungle where they, not surprisingly, find themselves ambushed by bad guys with an endless supply of firearms and explosives.




What you may not have heard is how long it took them to come out with a name for the film. For some reason, they were torn between the simple “John Rambo,” the overdone “To Hell and Back,” and a handful of other ridiculous names. Here are a few Rambo IV titles that didn’t make the cut.




REJECTED MOVIE TITLES FOR RAMBO IV

Rambo IV: The Revenge of Old Feller

Rambo IV: Viva Sylvestra

Rambo IV: Last Blood

Rambo IV: Arthritic Bugaloo

Rambo IV: Cashing In Again

Rambo IV: Headband of Brothers

Rambo IV: I Make Dead People

Rambo IV: For Shoots and Giggles

Rambo IV: Trail of Senility

Rambo IV: The Old Man and the Jungle

Rambo IV: Geritol to Hell!

MAKING FACES AT THE PHOTOSHOPPING MALL

In case you weren't aware, I am the Creative Director at an advertising agency. It's not a bad gig most days. It's my job to direct creative, which means spotting talent when I see it, and making people go back to the drawing board when I don't. Since I came up on the copy side, which is writing-based, it never ceases to amaze me what creative people can do with some of these design programs. A friend of mine forwarded me the following pictures this morning with the subject line: When your daddy is a graphic designer.

Love the photo manipulation here. Just had to share as we all recover from our Halloween hangovers. Great stuff. Thanks, JB!

It all starts with the original shot. Helps to have something with a little attitude to it, like this one, which is a great shot without any touch-up work at all.

Then the fun starts. All you need is the right software, a vivid imagination, and a little free time.

COSTUME OF THE YEAR

And the winner is...the chap who dressed up as You Tube. Fuckin' A awesome right down to the comments.

Imagination rules.

CROC HUNTER

I've been directed to this guy's site a number of times in the past and have always enjoyed my stay. I'm fairly convinced he is me - 10 years ago. Still has some fight in him. Still has an edge.

My edge has dulled over the years. I've been reduced to a sorry state of kvetching. I used to have spunk. I used to rant and rave about senselessness and the social ills of our day. Now I just throw my arms up and say, "What are ya gonna do?"

Anyhow, here's a professional bitch-master after my own heart.

For the record - I hate Crocs, too.

INTERVIEW WITH A PRIMATE

The following excerpts are from an interview I recently conducted with myself. I was quite saucy that day!

********TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2007***********

Q: What time do you normally get up?
A: At 7:07 I get up – and nothing gets me down. You got it tough? I’ve seen the toughest around.

Q: Van Halen. Nice. So - if you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be with?
A: Who's paying? I don't know. People don't really impress me. Plus, I'm an introvert - so I wouldn't have much to say to someone I don't already know personally.

Q: Gold or silver?
A: My teeth are all still their original white. Although I have been promising my girlfriend a new grill. Let's go silver on that.

Q: What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
A: I don't remember, but I know I'm still paying off the second mortgage I had to take out on my house to pay for it. No wonder the box office is hurting.

Q: What is your favorite TV show?
A: I have three, actually. The Office, Lost, and Survivor. I move heaven and earth to clear my schedule for them.

Q: What did you have for breakfast?
A: A big bowl of oxygen soup. I usually drink coffee for breakfast. Lots of coffee. And then I chase that with water until I'm ready to squeeze mud.

Q: Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with?
A: That's a toss up between Sean Hannity and a well-wired suicide bomber. Let's go with the latter - I'd have better luck reasoning with a suicidal extremist than that narrow-minded Neanderthal.

Q: What/who inspires you?
A: A really good crap. Every time. Seems all of my best ideas seem to come to me on the toilet.

Q: What is your middle name?
A: I don’t tell anyone that it’s Valentine. That's just between you and me, by the way, and off the record. Seriously. Don't print that.

Q: Beach, City or Country?
A: City, of course. It’s the only way to have an appreciation for the other two.

Q: Butter, plain or salted popcorn?
A: Load on the butter and salt. All old people seem to do is bitch about how miserable they are - sign me up for the express check-out.

Q: Favorite color?
A: I don’t consciously practice discrimination. I think I gravitate toward green, though.

Q: What kind of car do you drive?
A: I don’t see how that is germane to this conversation.

Q: Favorite sandwich?
A: Italian Beef combo, dipped, with hot and sweet peppers, and smothered in melted mozzarella. Can I get cheese fries and a root beer with that?

Q: What characteristic do you despise?
A: Resolve. When you’re in a hole, the best thing to do is stop digging.

Q: Do you have a favorite flower?
A: De-

Q: If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
A: Did you catch the joke about the flower? De-. Get it?

Q: Noted. So if you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
A: La Grange. No, scratch that. I’ve been to La Grange. It’s okay. I would like to see the UK, Australia, and Iceland. And Bermuda once they get that triangle issue worked out.

Q: What color is your bathroom?
A: You seriously did not just ask me that. Antique white, I think. Funny I would know that.

Q: Favorite brand of clothing?
A: If it fits, I dig it. I'm really more into shoes than clothes. A great set of wheels can really bring the ensemble together, don't you think?

Q: Where would you retire to?
A: The couch. Love the couch.

Q: Favorite day of the week?
A: Does anyone ever pick Tuesday? I should pick Tuesday just because no one ever picks Tuesday. But that would be a lie. I hate Tuesdays. Saturday is clearly the best day. What kind of question is that? Someone needs to take your interview card away. Do they even certify people like you?

Q: Not exactly. So what did you do for your last birthday?
A: Probably went drinking, but who keeps track anymore? Really.

Q: Where were you born?
A: Memories surrounding my birth are sketchy, but I seem to recall it was a hospital.

Q: Favorite sport to watch?
A: ESPN seems to think Texas Hold ‘Em is a sport now and I do enjoy watching it…but nothing beats NFL Football. March Madness rocks, too. I tried watching soccer once since they made such a fuss about this Beckham character, but it was like receiving a really slow handjob - mildly enjoyable, but I wasn't sure if anything was ever going to happen. And then ultimately I fell asleep. So there you go.

Q: Coke or Pepsi?
A: I avoid both, actually. I once read that carbonation isn't good for your swimmers and I've been off the stuff ever since. Plus, it all tastes the same to me. I’m not particular in the least when it comes to elastic goods like milk, soda, and cheap domestic beer. I think the Pepsi Challenge proved that most people can't tell the difference, anyhow - even after stating a strong preference. We love to think we know, don't we? We insist we like one better. But we really don't know. The fact that we even have a choice is a beautiful thing, though. We shouldn't take that for granted.

Q: Are you a morning person or a night owl?
A: I’m best between 9-11 in the morning and get a second wind between 5-7 at night. The rest of the day I’m a nap waiting to happen. I could fall asleep right now, actually.

Q: Do you have any pets?
A: No pets...but I do have a lot of pet peeves. Like jackasses who turn suddenly without signaling. I always imagine accelerating through the back of their car as they're winding slowly through the turn. Signaling is fundamental.

Q: Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
A: I’m 6 months pregnant with a great idea. The doctor offered to tell me what it was but I told him I wanted it to be a surprise. I’m very excited to see how this idea changes my life.

CARVIN' MARVIN

What would Halloween be with a little pumpkin carving fun?

Enjoy!

POLLARY CLINTON AND THE NEO-CONSPIRACY

Contrary to what you may have been hearing, Hillary Clinton does NOT have a 33-point advantage over her Democratic rivals for President.

Now there’s a bold statement.

I submit to you that this reported “news” is simply untrue - a fabrication foisted upon the unknowing masses by a neo-conservative media machine responsible for parsing out information in the interest of steering us toward war with Iran, Syria, North Korea, Mars, and Mercury. In case you’re new to politics, the same neo-cons behind the Bush II debacle ADORE Hillary. She’s like ordering up a round of cold Bush Light.

How can I make these bold assertions without any facts to back them up? Fortunately, one of the few freedoms I have left as we wind down Bush’s “reign of error” is the freedom of speech. I can make these claims on suspicion alone because this is a forum for sharing ideas, a basic right (at least as of this morning) still protected by the First Amendment.

Want proof that I’m right? Do a little impromptu research. Ask around. I know a LOT of people. Different people in different states. People who know people. And I have a hard time finding ANY people willing to admit they are planning to vote for Hillary. What I don’t find hard to come across are people who loathe her with every fiber of their being. Democrats, Republicans, and Independents alike. It’s actually been easier to find people who will admit to voting for Bush than people supporting Hillary. That’s saying something.

So where does her insurmountable 33-point lead come from? Are they conducting these polls exclusively in upstate New York? With a lead like that, one might expect to see highways from coast to coast overrun with “Hillary ’08” bumper clings. But here I live in the nation’s third largest metropolitan area and I see virtually no evidence of any support for Hillary anywhere. And she’s FROM here. The people I know – people who vote Democratic more reliably than Britney ends up in rehab – tell me they’ll vote for anyone but Hillary.

Obviously, my personal findings weren’t meshing with the hard numbers, so it forced me to come up with some possible reasons for this. One theory is that people who are planning to vote for Hillary are afraid to tell their friends because they would prefer to keep their friends. Let’s face it – she’s a lightning rod. No one wants to come near her politically. And yet a 33-point lead suggests people are falling all over one another to profess their admiration for her. I think there’s something else going on: poll-fixing.

It certainly does sound far-fetched to suggest that polling data has been misrepresented, or our news so audaciously manufactured. But we know that information in this country is controlled by a few powerful media machines in the business of selling fear, fads, and fashion. So is it REALLY out of the realm of possibility that a handful of powerful decision-makers at the top of the media chain directed a few people behind closed doors to cook the numbers a little to make Hillary’s nomination seem inevitable?

Think about what that lead does to the psyche of your average voter.

Seeing a lead so formidable makes me feel like voting for anyone else would be a waste of my time. And since I’d sooner castrate myself with a butter knife than punch for Hillarobot, the net result is voter apathy. I stay home that night and watch the massacre from the comfort of my couch. The media machine wins.

Look where the money has been coming from. Hillary is loading up on lobby cash. You name the lobby, there’s a cashed check somewhere with her campaign’s stamp on it. Edwards and Obama, meanwhile, have been raising their money from working people who want to see a change in government – not the same corporate-controlled bullshit we’re used to. Takes a lot more people to raise the same amount of money, and a lot more integrity.

Who do you think has a better chance of getting Clinton’s ear were she to be elected – you? Or the lobbyists who put her in office? Why do you think she feels obligated to take all of that campaign cash from lobbyists? Because she doesn’t have the grass roots support. Which brings us back to that 33-point lead. How could Obama possibly be that far behind given that he’s broken virtually every grass roots fundraising record on the books? Seems to me the only way to prevent him from winning with support like that is to prevent his network from voting, and the best way to do that is to make sure they believe they’re so far behind they’d never stand a chance.

A 33-point deficit is a good start.

So why would neo-conservatives love Hillary? Think outside the box here. Their idea of fun is keeping the military industrial complex humming, so they need someone in office steadfastly dedicated to keeping the 21st century Crusades alive. With popular support for Republicans (and Democrats unwilling to take them on) reeling, the best shot they’ve got is a weak opponent. And, believe it or not, despite her whopping “33-point” lead, Hillary is probably the only Democrat in the field capable of losing to fear-mongering morons like Giuliani and “sharp as a catcher’s mitt” Romney.

But let’s say she manages to beat the odds. Let’s say the Republican nominee commits some catastrophic blunder on the campaign trail, accidentally advocating a solution with some semblance of common sense and decency. And let’s say they are promptly alienated by the holier than Yao Christian right as a result. BAM – Hillary wins by 7 votes. And so do the neo-cons – because, of all the Democrats running, she’s the one candidate most likely to continue the policy positions of the current administration. Bush Light.


Let’s recap. Not only did Clinton vote in favor of the Iraq war, she refuses to concede now that it may not have been the best idea. Further, she refuses to commit to pulling U.S. troops from Iraq by 2013! Rumsfeld would be proud of old girl.

More scary facts for your files. Hillary Clinton voted for the Patriot Act, and then, once it was revealed how its language undermined the basic freedoms we had been guaranteed under the Constitution, she voted in favor of reauthorizing it. She also voted for building a wall on the U.S.-Mexican border. She voted to enforce "decency" standards in television and music. And the one that kills me personally is her most recent vote on the Kyl-Lieberman Amendment, giving the Bush administration authority to declare Iran’s 125,000-member Revolutionary Guard Corps a foreign terrorist organization. Why is this amendment so dangerous? Because President Cheney and Vice President Bush could use its language to justify keeping our troops in Iraq so long as they can point to a threat from Iran. They could even use this language to justify an attack on Iran as a part of the ongoing war in Iraq. It’s another step down the path toward expanding our war in the Middle East. Obama did not support it. Edwards did not support it. Hillary supported it. Look at the voting record. Not exactly the kind of change we're looking for.

I wonder if her “33-point” lead realizes what it’s supporting. I can’t imagine THAT many Democrats would prefer our nation continue to pursue these failed policies when the balance of our alternatives is pitching a far more sincere brand of change. Again, it forces me to doubt that 33-point lead.

They can sell it on the evening news every night of the week, but I'm just not buying it.

FEAR FACTOR

THE GREENLIGHT

Want to do something for the environment? Don't just change your light bulbs, change your leaders. Great article from Thomas Friedman, author of "The World is Flat," about how all the individual steps we take from recycling to conservation mean very little unless we choose leaders equally committed to making a difference.

HEADS UP!

I would never advocate suicide, but if you WERE going to kill yourself, this is the way to go out.

BASELESS CHARGES

Check this shit out. Ecuador's President, Rafael Correa, said his country will not renew Washington's lease on the Manta air base, which is set to expire in 2009. Anticipating pressure from the U.S., Manta had this to say:

"We'll renew the base on one condition: that they let us put a base in Miami -- an Ecuadorean base."

I love it. We can have an air base in their country if they can have an air base in ours. It isn't all that unreasonable, is it?

Is it anti-American of me to love that? Because I REALLY love it. It does sadden me as well. There was a time when nations around the globe actually appreciated us. Now these same countries resent us more than they trust us - and that's pretty fucking sad. I have to say - I don't blame them. I resent us more than I trust us right now with the Viva Viagra clan running the show. That doesn't make me anti-American...just pro-human.

President Correa is serious, though. He actually went so far as to say he would cut off his arm before allowing the U.S. to renew its lease. We might as well start calling him "Lefty" now.

NOT SUCH A GRATE IDEA

Everyone is up in arms about the toys we're importing from China being unsafe. Whatever. A little lead-based paint will put hair on your chest.

I'm more concerned about the toys they're making in Wisconsin. This fancy slide was recalled after the first 10 were installed.

Grate ideas always get ripped to shreds, don't they?

MY WORD!

Here's an addictive vocabulary tester you can play and help feed the world at the same time. Try to beat my high score of 44.

BOMBERMAN, START!

Every time I think Bush has completely lost his mind, he proves he had just a little bit left to lose. The evidence continues to mount that an attack on Iran is imminent. G-Dubs was pounding his war gong loud and clear at today's press conference where he declared that if Iran continues its nuclear program, it is essentially starting World War III.

Yes, my fellow Americans, George Bush threatened World War III today. I think I can hear Ozzy cackling somewhere: "All aboard!"

We're definitely headed off the rails on a crazy train. Dubya's war fetish is far worse than Hoover's cross-dressing tendencies ever were. And almost as expensive. There's simply no longer any defense left for the man. He's off the charts out of his fucking mind. It makes me seriously question the intelligence of anyone still making excuses for his policies - all of the brainwashed lemmings unwilling or unable to remove their blindfolds as the lying piper leads us all off the cliff.

Is there anything we can do to prevent the inevitable? Or are we truly paralyzed and helpless? Democrats will badmouth the President to the press over and over again - but when it comes time to pass a war budget, they line up and sign on the line that is dotted. There's dissent coming from every corner of the globe and every state in the nation. Yet a handful of powerful neoconservatives have managed to hijack America and they are now driving all of us, hostages in our own country, to the brink of yet another war we don't want and can't afford. This is absolute madness - and if you aren't outraged, you haven't been paying attention.

The writing is on the wall, and it's in the broken English of a bumbling American dictator.

NOTES ON BEING, ON TIME

Sometimes, in my private moments, I find myself speculating about really important things. Not things about me and my insignificant little life here in a small section of a big city in the middle of a large country that's part of a much bigger world - but important things. Like how to tell time in space.


Thinking about it made my head hurt.


Let’s say you’re floating about in space. Maybe you’re flying in a ship of some kind, or taking a nice, relaxing float in the tightly swaddled comfort of a boundless, black cosmos.


Whatever.


Now let’s say your watch stops. Batteries die or something. You tap it a few times, but nothing. It's done. Digital instrumentation and communications with mission control back on earth would help you keep track, but what if those too failed. What if you're out there and you have no idea what time it is. Does time even matter? And if it doesn't really matter out there, does it really matter down here?

Imagine being alone in space. Time as you know it would come to mean less and less. Sunrise and sunset really don’t apply in the way that they do now. Way out in deep space you’re surrounded by tons of flickering little specks – none quite so helpful as our own flickering little speck, the sun, at giving us the time. So drifting about in space, I imagine, isn’t a whole lot unlike spending a week inside a casino…minus the clanging jackpots and flashing lights.

No clocks. No windows to the sun. No sense for time at all. Just two hands in front of you and a laundry list of biological needs and urges.

And that’s when it dawned on me. Time as we know it – the 24-hour cycle we have neatly broken up into morning, afternoon, and night – is irrelevant in space!

Of course, we would still experience the linear passing of time from now to now-again-but-later to now-again-but-later-than-later, and so on. But without a clock or a sun to set and keep time by, there would be no way (or need) to schedule anything. No meetings to miss. No appointments to keep. No dates to circle on the calendar.

Because there's nothing to keep track of passing time. Even talking in terms of the increments we use today would be pointless. Seconds, minutes, and hours are all derived from a 24-hour day, which only matters here on earth. Out in space, everything is now or never. What is natural here becomes synthetic and man-made as soon as you leave orbit.

***

Interestingly, a recent 60 Minutes report on an indigenous tribe in the south Pacific made note of the fascinating fact that the natives did not have a word in their language equivalent to our word for “when.” They had no need for one because they don't project things out in time. Everything is now. They don’t experience time in the same way that those of us in the hustling, bustling “civilized” world do. Marooned in space, they’d probably far a lot better than we would.

I’d go insane. I am all about time. It drives me up a wall to be late to anything. I would rather be an hour early than a minute late. Wow. Read that again, will ya. Seeing that in print made me realize that maybe I already AM insane. And maybe my relationship with clocks has made me so.

So here I am, thinking about very important things, and I just realized how much time I’ve spent doing it. Was it too much time? Too little? Just enough? I guess when I put things in perspective and remember that I’m really just floating around in space on a spinning chunk of matter, time isn’t the important thing.

The important thing is that I’m floating around in space on a spinning chunk of matter.

And that's pretty cool.

FUN AND GAMES

Just in time for Halloween, here's a great time-waster called Cat Bowling. Entertaining and addictive. Start a league at work and cackle with delight with every pumpkin toss.

PRIMARY SCHOOL

So you're weighing your Presidential options and thinking, this sucks, I'm surrounded by Democratic milquetoasts and Republican war mongers. You don't want another bought-and-paid-for corporate sponsored politician to do the bidding of big business, catering to the very same lobbies currently running our country, from AIPAC to the American oil cartel. You don't want 9/11 profiteers, scarecrows or sissy-ass pander bears. You just want a

If I didn't feel obligated to vote against our nation's growing bureaucratic machine (Hillary) in the February Primary, I'd likely register as a Republican and vote for Ron Paul. He's the Republican version of Dennis Kucinich and only Republican candidate for President with testicles.

Seriously. If you're voting Republican, he's the only one who upholds the true values the party was built upon. He's the only one who understands the consequences of our foreign policy decisions (You Tube recent debates for evidence of this scary fact and pay special attention to the things that come out of Giuliani's mouth). And when he's alone in a room with Mitt Romney, he's the only one with an IQ over 80.

Given the lackluster crop of candidates we're stuck with, the dream card for the general would be a Kucinich-Paul smackdown - America couldn't lose either way. Not even the poised optimist, Obama, can take down Hillary's lobby money, so Dennis is out. But Ron Paul may have a shot yet. Give him a look.

FAMILY VALUES

Hilarious.

LOST IN TRANSLATION

Thanks to Steve for sharing this lovely reminder that men are not very good with the phone.