Then it suggested I may have something called Adult ADD.
Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. Can you believe that shit? And guess what…there’s a drug to help with it! Can you imagine the luck??
There’s another name for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. It’s called LIFE.
Listen…there’s a lot of shit going on in the world and trying to keep track of it all is not easy. All the gadgets and devices and technology invented to make our lives easier really only make things more complicated by giving us more things to keep track of.
Remember how nice it used to be before cell phones? If someone needed to reach you, they called you at home and left a fucking message. Today, everyone you know has direct access to your person at all times. And the shit you have to pay for now? There are cable bills, Internet cable bills, cell phone bills, and countless other niche services out there nickling and diming us to death. There’s IPOD and Blackberry and BlueTooth – and warranties and rebates to keep on top of for all of that shit. Pagers and PDA’s and phones that play video. Plasma televisions, LCD monitors, DVD recorders. And technology changes so frequently you’re always upgrading something to keep up with the times. A new television. A new computer. A new MP3 player. A new digital camera. A new car. A new satellite radio. How many big-ticket electronics did you buy over the past couple years? Growing up I had a single Atari 2600 system, television was FREE, and I shared a telephone with three other people. We didn't even have an answering machine until the mid-80's, so if nobody was home, you had to call back. Those were the days. People actually had time to spend and money to save.
Shit ain’t like that today. Folks are always on the go. Gotta stay connected. And with so much information at our disposal, it’s no wonder we feel overwhelmed. It’s not Adult Attention Deficit Disorder...it’s Busy Fucking World Disorder. More shit to buy = more shit to keep track of = less time for family = less money in the bank = A.D.D.
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I’d like to update the classic Hasbro board game “The Game of Life” to be relevant to the times. There’d be plenty of new squares out there:
Try crystal meth – Lose 10 turns and $10,000
Your identity was stolen! – Lose 5 turns and $5,000
Your spouse runs off with a foreign artist – You’re single again!
Health care costs increase again – Pay $2,500
Child molested by Catholic priest – Pay $2000 in counseling for 5 turns
Insurance company refuses to pay claim on technicality – Pay $4,500
New home in suburbs much farther from work – Pay $100 per turn in gas
Hit and run drunk driver puts you in hospital – Lose 4 turns and pay $15,000
Your oldest son is an addict – Put him back in your car and pay $250 for 3 turns
Alcohol becomes a permanent part of your life – Pay $150 per turn
You’ve got Chlamydia! Wash your hands before every turn
Car towed again – Pay $50
Paternity test reveals you ARE on the father! – Pay $20000 per turn for 18 turns
Corporate scandal wipes out your 401K – Lose your entire savings
You’ve got lung cancer! – Skip ahead to House of Reckoning
War in Middle East takes the lives of half your children
Arrested committing armed robbery to feed family – Lose 20 turns, spouse, and kids
Move to Utah – Add 4 spouses and 22 children
You’ve been sued! – Hand all of your money to the lawyer on your right
Plastic surgery goes bad – Lose spouse and $20,000
Spouse has child out of wedlock – Lose spouse or pay $2500 per turn to raise child
New season of Survivor hooks you – Lose one turn
Hurricane blows through – Lose home, one child, 8 turns, and $50,000
Get hooked on designer drug to treat Adult A.D.D. - Lose $100 per turn and your sanity