TOILETIQUETTE • A TOP TEN

Chances are you’ve used a restroom before. And if you’ve used a restroom, you've probably made one of the 10 classic bathroom blunders. Here they are – a handy list of common bathroom mistakes you’ll want to avoid if at all possible.






#10 The Lockdown
Whether your workplace shares a single-commode bathroom, you’re at a roadside Carl’s Jr., or you’re visiting relatives over the holidays, here’s one you’ll want to heed: lock that door. There are few life moments as tense as realizing, mid-loaf, that you may be stormed upon at any moment due to an unlocked door. Every second hangs like an eternity in the balance. And there are few moments in life as awkward as when it actually happens. Trust me – I’ve been on both ends of this bad boy. Play it safe and lock the door whenever possible.

#9 The Roll Check
This one’s bathroom 101. If you’re planning to make a deposit, make sure there are enough deposit slips to complete the transaction. It really destroys the mojo of a good dump when you realize immediately after that there’s nothing within arms reach to wipe with. I had a friend so insistent on a post-game wipe-down he actually used the socks on his feet to get a little fabric between his cheeks. The only reason I ever found out about his coup d’toilet was because he couldn’t flush them and “accidentally” left them rolled up in the corner of my bathroom. The entire situation was hard to handle. Literally. Anyhow, your better bet is to be in the habit of checking the roll before you sit down just to make sure there’s enough paper to do the job. Then you won’t end up doing the penguin dance, sashaying awkwardly across the bathroom floor with your ass in the air and your pants around your ankles in search of the Charmin.

#8 Forget to Flush
Who hasn’t made this “faux poos” once or twice? You get preoccupied by a knock on the door or a cellphone call and leave the stall without giving the handle a crank. Life happens, and with it, shit. Think of all the times you forgot to flush and didn’t even realize it – right before a co-worker, romantic interest, or new acquaintance followed you into the bunghole jungle to discover your pet anaconda swollen and coiled up like a fire hose in a porcelain pot. Not exactly the kind of impression you’d knowingly leave on anyone, unless you by chance found yourself entertaining the Cheneys. Sometimes I’ll actually stand above the bowl and watch everything go down to make absolutely certain it’s gone. You’d be surprised how many dumps warrant the double flush, as remnants and pieces float back up into the bowl for another go. Don’t leave ass shrapnel for the next guest to uncover when they lift the lid – always flush until the job is done.

#7 Check the Floor
When in a foreign restroom, always check the floor around the base of the commode before dropping trou. If the seal isn’t sound, there may be standing water – which isn’t that big of a deal until your pants hit the tile and start soaking it all up. You won’t even know it’s happening until you hike your drawers up afterward and discover your entire crotch is sopping with toilet runoff. Since you can’t take your pants off and ring out the damage like a dishrag, you’ll end up having to blast your pelvic region with the hand dryer for a good ten minutes until things are just uncomfortably damp. Trust me – always LOOK down before you SIT down.

#6 Paper Shoe
This one’s been around so long I’m surprised I still see it – but I do still see it. It all starts when, at some point during your rest stop, your shoe gets a little moist from the water on the floor. If you then happen to step upon a loose piece of toilet paper, the moisture causes the paper to stick to your foot. If it’s thin enough, you won’t even feel it’s down there. So you start dragging it around with you everywhere you go. Sometimes these pet paper trails drift for feet in your wake like the snaking ribbons in a Chinese gymnastics routine. It can create quite the scene. To avoid the embarrassment, just check your shoes on the way out. Takes half a second and will spare you all kinds of unwanted attention.


#5 The Blind Rinse
I bet you never thought your good hygiene would turn against you, but if you aren’t careful, it may do just that. I’ve been in many a restroom where the paper towel supply is completely out or the hand dryer is out of order – only I didn’t realize it until after I washed my hands. So I basically end up standing there with soaking wet hands and nothing to dry them on except my tie. Worse – sometimes there’s no soap either. This happens a lot at the ballpark where I think I am setting a good example for the thousands of slobs who are in and out of the loo without even glancing at the sink. Instead, I often end up getting my dirty hands wet, then realize I have no soap to wash them with, no dryer to dry them with, and no paper towels to wipe them with. And as fellow fans stream freely about me on either side, I’m standing there like a moron in the middle hurriedly wiping my dirty wet hands all over my jeans so I don’t miss anything good. Sometimes it’s a good idea to learn from the mistakes of others, eying up the successes and failures of fellow patrons before committing yourself to a quick rinse.

#4 Sitting On The Back of Seat
Here’s one that doesn’t happen too frequently, but I’ve witnessed enough of it second hand to warrant listing it here. Folks – I know you like to make yourselves comfortable when you’re settling in for a nice long dump session…but you must mind how far your ass works itself back on the toilet seat. If your rear is too far back on the rear of the seat, when you pull the trigger on your shit pistol there’s going to be some collateral damage. Depending upon the angle of your asshole and the force behind your lower bowel’s initial thrust, you may inadvertently leave a thumb sliver of the brown round on an otherwise tidy bowl. And the worst part is, you’d never know to look for it. You’d just wipe as normal and be on your way. Meanwhile, the next person to visit ground zero is left wondering why there is a thumb sliver of brown round on the back of the seat. My advice to you is simple – shit down, not back. Don’t lean forward too much, don’t sit back too far, and don’t push too hard if you anticipate a gassy mix.

#3 Forgetting to Put the Seat Down
As a child, I was brought up to raise the seat before peeing and to put it down when I was done. Seemed like a lot of extra work to me, so when I was older and off on my own I decided to just leave it up all the time to expedite my trips. I didn’t see the logic in the constant up and down until the day I had to shit something fierce, barged into my apartment, scrambled to the john and unexpectedly dunked my entire ass into a frigid pool of bowl water. When seconds count, having the seat down can save your ass an unexpected dip in the drink. This is a long-time battle between men and women that I came around on in one fateful afternoon. Keeping the seat down doesn’t just help in case of emergencies, it’s also good for crapping in the dark and/or when you’re under the influence of one or more controlled substances. Or so I hear.

#2 Lean and Lose
The odds of this happening to you dramatically increase with the number of alcoholic beverages you’ve consumed. You’ve just tidied up after a relieving release, tucked your shirt in, straightened out your pants, and buckled up your belt. To complete the trip, you lean forward to flush away the unidentifiable remains of yesterday’s bean burrito when – SHIT! – your cellphone slips out of your jacket pocket and into the bowl. This has almost happened to me more times than I can count. To date, my cat-like reflexes have spared me the agonizing decision of whether or not to attempt a marine rescue of my Motorola lifeline. It helps to be aware of your angle when reaching across a loaded bowl, as well as any valuable articles on your person with the potential to slip from your possession during the reach. I often stash spare dollars in my shirt pocket, keys in my jacket, or my phone somewhere on my upper body so I can hear it ring when I’m walking about. A number of close calls later I now know to lean and flush from the side of the bowl and not over it. You would be wise to do the same.

#1 Don’t Realize You’re Not Alone
There’s nothing like having the entire restroom to yourself to actually REST. Relax. Whistle your favorite tune. Tap your toes innocently. Sing the theme from the Love Boat. Give the acoustics a test with some bassy blasts from your hind quarters. Moan with satisfaction as you unleash the Kraken. Whatever. It’s all good in the privacy of a restroom that’s all your own. Until you step out from your stall and realize there was someone sitting next to you the entire time. I once gave some dude a courtesy heads-up because I felt embarrassed for him. I had just sidled up to a urinal to take a leak when I heard his ass sputtering in a nearby stall like an idling chainsaw. Suddenly, he rips this gargantuan fart with all the force he could muster and I could just tell he had no idea I was there. So I gave him a vote of confidence to get him through it. “Nice one, bro,” I offered politely. There was dead silence.