INTERVIEW WITH A PRIMATE

The following excerpts are from an interview I recently conducted with myself. I was quite saucy that day!

********TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2007***********

Q: What time do you normally get up?
A: At 7:07 I get up – and nothing gets me down. You got it tough? I’ve seen the toughest around.

Q: Van Halen. Nice. So - if you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be with?
A: Who's paying? I don't know. People don't really impress me. Plus, I'm an introvert - so I wouldn't have much to say to someone I don't already know personally.

Q: Gold or silver?
A: My teeth are all still their original white. Although I have been promising my girlfriend a new grill. Let's go silver on that.

Q: What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
A: I don't remember, but I know I'm still paying off the second mortgage I had to take out on my house to pay for it. No wonder the box office is hurting.

Q: What is your favorite TV show?
A: I have three, actually. The Office, Lost, and Survivor. I move heaven and earth to clear my schedule for them.

Q: What did you have for breakfast?
A: A big bowl of oxygen soup. I usually drink coffee for breakfast. Lots of coffee. And then I chase that with water until I'm ready to squeeze mud.

Q: Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with?
A: That's a toss up between Sean Hannity and a well-wired suicide bomber. Let's go with the latter - I'd have better luck reasoning with a suicidal extremist than that narrow-minded Neanderthal.

Q: What/who inspires you?
A: A really good crap. Every time. Seems all of my best ideas seem to come to me on the toilet.

Q: What is your middle name?
A: I don’t tell anyone that it’s Valentine. That's just between you and me, by the way, and off the record. Seriously. Don't print that.

Q: Beach, City or Country?
A: City, of course. It’s the only way to have an appreciation for the other two.

Q: Butter, plain or salted popcorn?
A: Load on the butter and salt. All old people seem to do is bitch about how miserable they are - sign me up for the express check-out.

Q: Favorite color?
A: I don’t consciously practice discrimination. I think I gravitate toward green, though.

Q: What kind of car do you drive?
A: I don’t see how that is germane to this conversation.

Q: Favorite sandwich?
A: Italian Beef combo, dipped, with hot and sweet peppers, and smothered in melted mozzarella. Can I get cheese fries and a root beer with that?

Q: What characteristic do you despise?
A: Resolve. When you’re in a hole, the best thing to do is stop digging.

Q: Do you have a favorite flower?
A: De-

Q: If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
A: Did you catch the joke about the flower? De-. Get it?

Q: Noted. So if you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
A: La Grange. No, scratch that. I’ve been to La Grange. It’s okay. I would like to see the UK, Australia, and Iceland. And Bermuda once they get that triangle issue worked out.

Q: What color is your bathroom?
A: You seriously did not just ask me that. Antique white, I think. Funny I would know that.

Q: Favorite brand of clothing?
A: If it fits, I dig it. I'm really more into shoes than clothes. A great set of wheels can really bring the ensemble together, don't you think?

Q: Where would you retire to?
A: The couch. Love the couch.

Q: Favorite day of the week?
A: Does anyone ever pick Tuesday? I should pick Tuesday just because no one ever picks Tuesday. But that would be a lie. I hate Tuesdays. Saturday is clearly the best day. What kind of question is that? Someone needs to take your interview card away. Do they even certify people like you?

Q: Not exactly. So what did you do for your last birthday?
A: Probably went drinking, but who keeps track anymore? Really.

Q: Where were you born?
A: Memories surrounding my birth are sketchy, but I seem to recall it was a hospital.

Q: Favorite sport to watch?
A: ESPN seems to think Texas Hold ‘Em is a sport now and I do enjoy watching it…but nothing beats NFL Football. March Madness rocks, too. I tried watching soccer once since they made such a fuss about this Beckham character, but it was like receiving a really slow handjob - mildly enjoyable, but I wasn't sure if anything was ever going to happen. And then ultimately I fell asleep. So there you go.

Q: Coke or Pepsi?
A: I avoid both, actually. I once read that carbonation isn't good for your swimmers and I've been off the stuff ever since. Plus, it all tastes the same to me. I’m not particular in the least when it comes to elastic goods like milk, soda, and cheap domestic beer. I think the Pepsi Challenge proved that most people can't tell the difference, anyhow - even after stating a strong preference. We love to think we know, don't we? We insist we like one better. But we really don't know. The fact that we even have a choice is a beautiful thing, though. We shouldn't take that for granted.

Q: Are you a morning person or a night owl?
A: I’m best between 9-11 in the morning and get a second wind between 5-7 at night. The rest of the day I’m a nap waiting to happen. I could fall asleep right now, actually.

Q: Do you have any pets?
A: No pets...but I do have a lot of pet peeves. Like jackasses who turn suddenly without signaling. I always imagine accelerating through the back of their car as they're winding slowly through the turn. Signaling is fundamental.

Q: Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
A: I’m 6 months pregnant with a great idea. The doctor offered to tell me what it was but I told him I wanted it to be a surprise. I’m very excited to see how this idea changes my life.