MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL'S MAJOR MUSCLE HUSTLE

Everyone's been wondering - is A-Rod actually A-Roid?

Nope.

Not according to the names listed in the Mitchell Report at least. Who DID make it? Here's the list of well-known MLB players that will be announced at 1pm CST. You get it now because I know people who know people who know people. You're welcome. (Of course, I cannot vouch for the accuracy of all of the names, so read at your own risk. This is just what I hear.)

All-stars and MVPs galore!

Chad Allen
Manny Alexander
Rick Ankiel
Mike Bell
David Bell
Gary Bennett Jr.
Marvin Benard
Larry Bigbie
Barry Bonds
Kevin Brown
Paul Byrd
Ken Caminiti
Jose Canseco
Mark Carreon
Jason Christiansen
Howie Clark
Roger Clemens
Jack Cust
Brendan Donnelly
Lenny Dykstra
Bobby Estalella
Matt Franco
Ryan Franklin
Eric Gagne
Jason Giambi
Jeremi Giambi
Jay Gibbons
Troy Glaus
Jason Grimsley
Jose Guillen
Jerry Hairston Jr.
Matt Herges
Phil Hiatt
Glenallen Hill
Darren Holmes
Todd Hundley
David Justice
Chuck Knoblauch
Tim Laker
Mike Lansing
Paul Lo Duca
Nook Logan
Josias Manzanillo
Gary Matthews Jr.
Cody McKay
Kent Mercker
Bart Miadich
Hal Morris
David Naulty
Denny Neagle
Jim Parque
Andy Pettitte
Adam Piatt
Todd Pratt
Stephen Randolph
Adam Riggs
Brian Roberts
John Rocker
F.P. Santangelo
Benito Santiago
Gary Sheffield
Scott Schoeneweis
David Segui
Mike Stanton
Miguel Tejada
Ismael Valdez
Mo Vaughn
Randy Velarde
Ron Villone
Fernando Vina
Rondell White
Todd Williams
Jeff Williams
Matt Williams
Steve Woodard
Kevin Young
Gregg Zaun

Wow - Barry BONDS? That is unbelievable! Say it isn't Sosa? This is too much for me to handle. I may never go to another Cubs game again!

What? They did what? They signed Japanese sensation Fukudome? With a name like Fuck-You-Do-Me he's got to be great. Sign me up for a jersey and season tickets.

Let's play ball!