THE THINGS YOU FIND ONLINE

Here it is. The very worst light switch cover ever. Let's just leave this one turned off, okay? Who designed this? Shocking.

MISMANAGED GASTROINTESTINAL CONTROL

Have you ever ripped a nasty fart at the office? What am I saying - of course you have. Probably in the last hour.

What I MEANT to ask was, have you ever unintentionally blasted an obnoxiously loud fart at the office in the vicinity of other people?

Yeah...I just did about 5 minutes ago. It was pretty bad. I could sense heads turning behind me, but I carefully disregarded the sound. At least at first. I tried to remain calm, pretending the sound of a chainsaw revving didn't just roar from my general direction.

Still, I knew I wouldn't be able to feign ignorance forever - it was THAT loud. So I immediately started fidgeting with my chair as though it was to blame for the awkward sound. But it just clicked and rattled in a way my bowels did not. As hard as I tried, there was no mistaking it - I had farted. Loudly.

I decided I would just play it off as nothing and pretend it never happened. And this worked for about 10 seconds until the scent hit my nostrils. This was going to be harder to ignore. The stench was brutal. I was actually holding my breath at my desk so I didn't have to inhale the wretched aroma. If there had remained any doubt as to the mysterious noise, it was now gone.

So here I sit. A farter. Farting at the office. Loudly, without apology. All I can do now is embrace it.

MAN ARRESTED FOR WHAT?!?

At first, I thought this story was another one of those Onion put-on articles. Turns out to be TRUE!

What kind of world are we living in? This is the worst kind of child abuse I can imagine.

THE PEOPLE ASK

Every once in awhile, I actually get a question from the people. It used to happen a lot more frequently before the blogospheric big bang. Back then AYNtK was a weekly e-letter faithfully distributed on Friday afternoons - so much so that if it arrived just an hour late, people would write to ask if I was okay.

Nothing fosters the illusion that you matter like strangers checking in from around the globe to make sure you didn't buy the farm. These days I just throw up a post whenever it suits me and if people come, they come. Not quite as personal as the old 5pm personal delivery, but I do get to post pictures like this one.

Anyhow - back to the point of this post. (I'm easily distracted by the voices in my head). Every once in a while I actually get a question from the people. This week I received an inquiry from Joe C, who writes:

"I love your site & how you write, I'd reply more often if I could get the damn system to work for me. But since you ask, yes, I do have a burning question for you. How can I convert music written in ABC format to standard notation? Sorry, it's a bit of a specialised question, I'm hoping for a simple straightforward answer, I hope such things still exist in this high tech age." - Joe C.

Joe - first off, thanks for writing. Always good to see these keystrokes are meeting eyeballs out in the void of Internetia.

Second, there IS a way to convert music written in ABC format to standard notation. I would go through the details here, but that would be more than you need to know...which is not the name of this Blog. Instead, in the spirit of teaching a man to fish, I will direct your attention to this handy eHow link. If I understood your question correctly, this should be the direction you require.

Happy converting!


(Any more questions?)

MISSIONARY IMPOSSIBLE

Here's a link to the Tom Cruise indoctrination video that was pulled from YouTube by an angry mob of Scientologists. Thanks to G Money for the lead.

While I fully support Tom's right to believe and practice whatever religion he wants, I have to admit, the things he says in this video are downright mind-blowing. I actually, strangely, admire his conviction - in a way I could never admire GW's. He's convinced he's here to help, and as crazy as that sounds to most people, I can't help but wonder how much better our world and daily lives would be if more people felt this strongly about getting mankind to the next level.

If you're going to go crazy, this is the way to go!

HE GAVE ME THE STINGER MISSILES AND A BILLION DOLLARS

Here are a handful of documentaries produced by the BBC that you won't see in America - the one place that really needs to see them. History unspun.

Each one is about an hour long. I highly recommend throwing the earplugs in before bed and zoning out with the laptop to one of these. Free your mind. Helps explain why our country is so obsessed with the "self" and material consumption, and who this self-centeredness benefits in the end. Hint: It's not us.

I recommend the Power of Nightmares. It catalogs the beginning of the "neo-conservative" movement - starting with a pair of divergent ideologies, and ending with the culture of fear we have today. You may be surprised to learn just how long Rumsfeld and Cheney have been behind the scenes buttfucking America. (And there may be something after all to my grandmother's claim that Richard Perle is satanspawn)

These are some seriously bad characters who have elevated themselves to positions of power. War criminals. Liars without conscience. Again, you won't find programming like this on American television - thank Gore we have the Internet.

Pardon my Freudian slip.

These documentaries also provide great historical background for the insanity of Islamic radicalism - a movement founded to destroy the American purveyors of selfish individualism. It is interesting to look back with the benefit of knowing how the story plays out - and how the two divergent ideologies are now locked in an epic struggle. Both the Islamic Jihad and Neo-onservative movements are led by powerful, manipulative extremists and the hard-working people executing their treacherous will are naive pawns brainwashed into believing they are preserving and protecting their ways of life - which, for some reason, is only possible if the other way of life is defeated. How convenient for the power brokers.

Good versus evil? Don't believe the hype. There's no good and evil here. There's no right and wrong. There are the misled and misled. Can someone turn the lights on in this place?

***************************

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light."

-Plato

UNDRESS REHEARSAL

Since the YouTube feed to Paul's interview on Leno was pulled, I figured I'd find something else to share instead. Here's a radio clip of Ronny P educating conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham on the ills of an interventionist foreign policy. She attempts to rattle the popular Republican candidate with a barrage of tough questions, but since Paul's not one to fall back on rehearsed soundbytes, he's able to unload an argument she can't counter. Her tone changes half way through when she realizes that, unlike some of the other Republican nominees, this guy might actually know what he's talking about.

MAPPING YOUR FUTURE

Want to go from Rag to Riches in less than 24 hours? Here's how!

But if you want to get there from here, you'd better use these directions instead.

Although if you've only got 14 hours left to live, you'll be better off making this trip instead From Here to Eternity.

Here's the slowest ride in the world: Zero to Sixty in 10 hours.

And finally, the shift nobody wants. A 22-hour trip from Nine to Five.

IT'S THE SAME OLD SONG

COME ON...THE DUDE IS AWESOME

[LOOKS LIKE THIS VIDEO WAS PULLED FROM YOU TUBE - PROBABLY FOR COPYRIGHT VIOLATION. IT WAS AN AMUSING EXCHANGE BETWEEN RON PAUL AND JAY LENO ON THE TONIGHT SHOW THIS PAST MONDAY.]

Presenting the ONLY Republican candidate who understands terrorism. After finishing with 10% of the popular vote in the Iowa Caucuses (more than twice the votes as Rudy Giuliani), Fox News Channel made the decision to exclude Ron Paul from participating in this weekend's New Hampshire debate. Interesting decision that seems to fly in the face of "fair" and/or "balanced" journalism. It's a testament to the substance of his ideas that he was denied the exposure he deserves. But the real tragedy here is that the American people are denied access to a broader selection of Republican Party candidates. Why would FNC unilaterally limit our choices? What are they afraid might happen? The fact is, they're catering to their viewers - the brainwashed masses.

Kudos to Leno for stepping up and giving Paul a little press. He's far from perfect, but Paul has integrity and he's the closest thing the Republican Party has to a brain. Here's part two of the interview...

PICKING UP (WHERE I LEFT OFF...)

I was recently sent these "redneck" pick-up lines and found them quite amusing. I shared them with my bride-to-be (yes, I am getting married - in case you haven't heard) and she laughed aloud at a number of them. In fact, she told me that if a guy ever tried one of these on her, she'd probably end up talking to him.

The lines are so obnoxious and unexpected, they're actually amusing - and a refreshing change of pace from the standard crap girls are used to hearing. In other words, these lines are so crazy they just might work! And since I can't experiment with them myself, I share the wealth with you.

Take notes all you single cats. One of these awkward come-ons may get your foot in the door...which might get your something else in something else. Just be sure to report back your progress.


Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.


Are your parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.


My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.


Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out.


Is there a mirror in your pants? Cuz I can see myself in 'em.


Fat Penguin.................Sorry. I just wanted to say somethin' that would break the ice.


I know I'm not no Fred Flinstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.


I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.


Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.


If you're gonna regret this in the morning, we can sleep til afternoon.


Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up!!!

MY KIND OF TOWN NEWSPAPER

President Bush paid a visit to Chicago today. He received this warm welcome from the Chicago Sun-Times. Nice.

THINGS I HATE: 2007

It's no secret - America is FUCKED up. We're not as fucked up as, say, North Korea. But we've got problems. Don't get me wrong. America is still a great place to live - especially if you cherish your inalienable rights to go into debt buying as much stuff as you can on credit, eat until you're so full it hurts, and sue whoever is in the vicinity when something unfortunate happens to you.

Okay, maybe I'm being a little hard on Mother America. But it's only because I love her and wish she weren't so lost. How did we end up here? I mean, for criminy's sake, how can it be that a 15 year-old pregnancy is more newsworthy than an outrageously bloated military budget? It is seriously laughable (how oxymoronic is that?) that we spend the percentage of our national budget that we do on guns and ammo. And equally laughable that we remain culturally obsessed with celebrity, instead of accountability in government - where our elected leaders continue approving obnoxious amounts of OUR tax dollars to support the insatiable appetite of the military industrial complex.

Fucking nuts, I tell you.

It's simple math. When over HALF the national budget every year is funneled into military (past and present) spending. That means over half of the money the government takes out of YOUR paycheck every two weeks is buying more bombs, tanks, jets, bombers, satellites, guns, and oil to support them all. We are so focused on military spending, things like education, infrastructure, and health care continue to get the shaft. Entire fucking third world countries are wireless hotspots. We're way behind the curve here and the only way to get this country back on track is to deny incumbency to the elected officials who keep us here.

This kicks off my year-end rant on things that pissed me off in 2007. It's been a while since I went off on shit that annoys me, so this is going to feel good. But I need to get it out of my system now because 2008 is going to be fucking rock star.

THINGS I HATE

***** Universal Health Care Naysayers *****

Can't be done. Doesn't work. Costs too much. Long lines. Poor service. Blah blah blah. These people have been force-fed a line from the billion-dollar health care establishment that runs the risk of getting cut out of the middle if we make the radical (read: rational) decision to follow the lead of far healthier nations in providing guaranteed health care for every man, woman, and child in America.

Newsflash - it CAN be done. It DOES work. It actually costs LESS when there's an an emphasis on preventive care. There aren't long lines for medical treatment in a healthy society. Believe it or not, medical service is actually BETTER when medical practitioners are given incentives for encouraging patients to make healthier lifestyle decisions (i.e. wear a condom, quit smoking, lose 15 pounds, etc.). If people lead healthier lives, they require less medical attention - it's really not that complicated. But you know who that hurts, right? The pharmaceutical companies who LIVE off of the dying and the sick. They're spending a lot of money in Washington to fight universal health care because it's bad for business. And they pay slick spinsters to tell campfire horror stories in front of the cameras to scare us into thinking health care must remain privatized for our own safety. And that's simply not true.

It's easy to buy into the hype about "socialized" medicine when corporate-funded talking heads are relentlessly bashing it in the media. Sometimes all people need are a few soundbytes of information to form an opinion about something. People - we need to stop listening to what these assclowns are telling us about health care and take a LOOK at what's actually happening out there. People around the world...in nations where health care is provided as a fundamental human right, are laughing at how backwards we have it. It's inconceivable to them that America can continue failing to meet the most basic health care needs of millions of people year after year.


***** RADNDOM-OPOLY *****

Holy shit this franchise is out of control. Everywhere you look these days there's a gimmicky version of Monopoly. I'm done with it. The original game is a classic. Why would they feel the need to pimp out their good name and turn the monopoly man into a co-branded whore? And I've seen some really bad ones. Fishing-opoly. Are you fucking kidding me? Who buys this crap? These novelty games exploit affiliations and interest for the purpose of luring last-minute shoppers into buying something that will get a 2-second laugh and then get stashed in the crawlspace for time immemorial. It's time to put these dumbass product extensions to bed. Here are a few of the more ricockulous Monopoly-based spin-off titles I've seen (actual titles with my custom enhancements in parens).

I Love Lucy Edition (Red properties are wild cards that can be paired with others)

Dale Earnhardt Edition (You're instantly out of the game if you roll an 8)

Lord of the Rings Edition (Only $25 for passing "Go", for a much LONGER game)

Pokemon Edition (You have to collect every single property on the board to have a Monopoly)

Coca-Cola Edition (Start with a full set of teeth and lose one tooth every trip around the board)

Red Sox Edition (CHANCE CARD = "Get caught with HGH, pay $100,000 and lose 3 turns")

Star Trek: The Next Generation Edition (Can be played alone since it is unlikely the owner of this would have any friends)

Snoopy Edition (No cash - played with peanuts)

Ford Thunderbird Edition (The railroads are gas stations and cost $500 to land on)

Transformers Edition (Game pieces can change shape, so when you land on a space occupied by another player, you can destroy them)

U.S. Air Force Edition (Every time you land on a spot it is obliterated and you must pay a billion dollars to fix it up before it can be used)

World Cup Edition (Sorry - no hands allowed. Roll with your toes.)

X-Men Edition (See Star Trek Edition)

Golf Edition (Adult rules for "swingers." Will YOU get a hole in one?)

Harley Davidson Edition (I know better than to make fun of this franchise)



You can even "make-your-own-opoly"! It's out of control and someone needs to stop it.


***** Consumerism *****

Did you see the news reports of people sleeping in tents outside of big box stores all over the country on Thanksgiving night so they could be the first people in the stores the following Friday morning? You'd think it was the last day of shopping - EVER. What was the big rush? Were the Cabbage Patch Kids making a comeback?

Haven't we figured it out yet? These open-at-4am "sales" are promotional stunts to get people to buy more stuff we don't need by masking over-priced, disposable consumer goods as must-have deals of the century. And we're in hook, line, and sinker. These stores aren't doing us any favors by opening up at 4am - we're doing THEM the favor by showing up! It is actually a pretty reliable mark of insanity that an otherwise "sane" person would brave the elements for the privilege of "saving" $5 on something they won't be using in 6 months. We need to get out of line and get back into the lives of the people who are important to us.

***** Crocs *****

One word: Fugly. They're not even remotely cute on kids, and adults who wear them look even sillier. There's just something about a nation of people who don't grow (or cook) their own food pretending to be casual gardeners and chefs. It sure is nice to have shoes you can hose off, though - right? Just in case something spills? Might be nicer if they didn't have fucking holes in the top so that anything you might want to hose off later can infiltrate your sock. Crocs are as remarkable an invention as high-heel galoshes. You can find them on sale at the intersection of "unattractive" meets "impractical." I've been told they're comfortable. So are slippers, but we don't wear those to work. Who sets these trends in motion and why are so many people eager to hop on board?

***** Gift Cards *****

It's amazing. Now I can buy gift cards at the GROCERY store that can be redeemed at OTHER stores - like Target, Starbucks, and Best Buy. I see the big display there with all of those colorful plastic cards on pretty cardboard hangers and can't help but wonder, "Who the fuck buys these?" If I want to buy someone a gift, I'll buy them a GIFT - not a gift card. And if I want them to give them a choice so they can buy something they want, I'll give them the universal gift card known as CASH, which is good at EVERY store - not just the one with the pretty logo. News Flash - retailers make a killing on gift cards because people don't use them. Cards get lost. They get filed away for another time when the same $20 won't get you $20 worth of merchandise. Some cards get old and lose value. Some cards won't entitle the user to cash back for the difference, which means you have to spend all of it to get all of it, which usually means spending money out of your pocket to cover any difference. Gift cards do look pretty and sound convenient - but they're one of the biggest scams ever perpetrated on the American consumer.

***** Whining Smokers *****

The State of Illinois and the City of Chicago recently made it illegal to smoke in public, aside from specially designated areas. This includes restaurants, bars, parks, theaters, sports venues, and other places where people come into contact with other people as part of being out in the world. It's fucking sweet. I don't have to choke on someone else's life-shortening habit while I'm trying to enjoy a concert or cup of chili at the neighborhood bar. Doctors have been telling us for decades that smoking WILL kill you, but people are not always rational. All most smokers care about is getting their next nicotine fix. So it's no surprise they feel like their rights are being trampled upon. Unfortunately for smokers, the right to kill yourself does not coexist well with the right NOT to kill yourself - an argument non-smokers finally won in successfully championing legislation that banned the dirty habit from all places public. Most people are digging the change hard core. But every so often you'll hear someone bitching about the fact that there's "no where left to smoke." So fucking quit you fucking baby. I was cloaked in your second-hand smoke for YEARS - coughing and gagging on your wretched exhaust without a single word. And when my asthma kicked in and I could barely fucking breathe, did I complain about it and ask you to stop? No. I fucking bummed a smoke from your pathetic ass so I could join club cool and be a sport. (Probably not the smartest idea, in hindsight) The new law is a wake up call. Smoking is out, baby. Drop it.

***** Global Warming *****

Our globe is warming. This comes after millennia of cooling. After it warms gradually for another 40,000 years or so, it will likely cool again. But we won't be around to enjoy the fresh air conditioning because we'll have wiped ourselves out by then. Global warming, man-made or not, is not the end of the world. It's the end of the world as we know it - which is not the same thing. This chunk of rock that we're on? It's going to be around for a lot longer than we are. It was here for millions of years. Back then it was hot, but habitable. There were these things called dinosaurs that ruled the air, land, and sea. And then they were gone. And then it got really cold, but habitable, and there were woolly mammoths and other thick-skinned mammals that looked like something hatched in the privacy of a secluded, off-shore, third-world lab. They, too, met their demise. And now here we are. Lucky for us. Global warming will be a test of our ability to adapt. We're not quite as nimble as we once had been. There was a time when we were all responsible for feeding, protecting, clothing, and housing ourselves. These days we count on farmers, police, military, textile companies, builders, plumbers, electricians, and so on and so forth, to provide for us everything we need to survive. What happens when our predictable world becomes less predictable? Can we marshal our resources and make the necessary adjustments to survive? Can we migrate to higher ground? Will we be able to rebuild in previously inhabitable places? If the temperature skyrockets, we'll need to move north and south to cooler climes. Who will be left when the world warms, the oceans rise, and coastal communities worldwide are 40 feet under water? Makes for great science fiction, doesn't it? An asteroid or solar flare will probably spell our demise long before we have to wrestle with that reality. All I know is it's 65 degrees in Chicago today. Global warming sure feels good to me.

***** Change *****

The incomparable Geri Lynn and I had some friends over this weekend and we decided to turn the Democratic Party Debate in new Hampshire into a drinking game. The rules were simple. We each picked a candidate and had to drink whenever:

Edwards used the words "Mill" or "Sharecropper"
Obama used the word "Hope"
Clinton used the word "Experience"
Richardson said something remotely intelligible

And then we had a social every time any of the candidates used the word "change."

This last rule was the killer. It had us chugging at times as the candidates hammered home the rhetoric on this abstract promise repeatedly. You couldn't go thirty seconds without hearing the word. We had two beers down and decided to quit just 12 minutes into the game because our livers were not going to do well with so much change. This got me thinking - all 4 of the candidates are current members of Congress in the majority party. Why aren't they forcing change now if they're so big on it? They have the numbers. They have the mandate from the people. They have the means. They just don't have the balls. The only Democratic candidate with the balls to take some action on real, significant change was Dennis Kucinich - who initiated impeachment proceedings for Vice President Cheney. His reward? Exclusion from participating in the debate! Don't rock the boat, Denny.

Do we really want change or do we just want to hear about it? I'm ready for real change. Change in the tax code. Change in social security. Change in foreign policy. Change in our national priorities. I want to see one of these Democratic Party candidates step up and initiate some real change before November instead of yammering on and on about it. Don't tell me what you want to do and what you plan to do - do something NOW and prove you are an actual agent of change.

***** Polls *****

I want polls banned from all public discourse. I don't want to hear what "the people" think. I AM the people. I don't want to know who is leading in South Carolina. I don't want to know who wins what match-up. It's all hypothetical, and all of this reporting on hypothetical scenarios is going to have an impact on the real one. We let the media inside our minds with all of these numbers. They infect our senses so we're not sure what to do or who to support or whether we should even bother voting because "the American people" have already decided. But we're addicted to polls. They're part of every newscast now - and often used to support the most asinine of conclusions depending on the editorial spin. Is it 45% support X, or 55% oppose X? Same study, different message. There's a new poll out every 14 minutes it seems. Stop the madness!

Okay - I'm good now. Wow that felt good. I need to clear the air around here more often. Let's make something great of 08.

COMPUTER BRILLIANCE

This animation is amazing. Took the artist 5 months to build, but it's wildly creative and a joy to watch. Check it out!

NICE RANT ON '07

I was going to do a little bitching about shit I hate when I stumbled upon this gem. It's a link to 50 loathsome people and it's a scream. I thought I'd end up skimming just a few of the entries, but found myself reading ALL of them for their entertainment value. This is language art.

And now it's so jammed it's having capacity problems. Well, hope it's back up by the time you decide to check it out. And you will. It's that good.

PORN LINK OF THE DAY

I've been around for quite some time. And in that time I've seen a lot of sick, twisted shit on this thing called the internet. But this site has got to be the sickest shit I have EVER seen. Dudes be warned - not for the weak of stomach.

Although something tells me the ladies might dig it.

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL'S MAJOR MUSCLE HUSTLE

Everyone's been wondering - is A-Rod actually A-Roid?

Nope.

Not according to the names listed in the Mitchell Report at least. Who DID make it? Here's the list of well-known MLB players that will be announced at 1pm CST. You get it now because I know people who know people who know people. You're welcome. (Of course, I cannot vouch for the accuracy of all of the names, so read at your own risk. This is just what I hear.)

All-stars and MVPs galore!

Chad Allen
Manny Alexander
Rick Ankiel
Mike Bell
David Bell
Gary Bennett Jr.
Marvin Benard
Larry Bigbie
Barry Bonds
Kevin Brown
Paul Byrd
Ken Caminiti
Jose Canseco
Mark Carreon
Jason Christiansen
Howie Clark
Roger Clemens
Jack Cust
Brendan Donnelly
Lenny Dykstra
Bobby Estalella
Matt Franco
Ryan Franklin
Eric Gagne
Jason Giambi
Jeremi Giambi
Jay Gibbons
Troy Glaus
Jason Grimsley
Jose Guillen
Jerry Hairston Jr.
Matt Herges
Phil Hiatt
Glenallen Hill
Darren Holmes
Todd Hundley
David Justice
Chuck Knoblauch
Tim Laker
Mike Lansing
Paul Lo Duca
Nook Logan
Josias Manzanillo
Gary Matthews Jr.
Cody McKay
Kent Mercker
Bart Miadich
Hal Morris
David Naulty
Denny Neagle
Jim Parque
Andy Pettitte
Adam Piatt
Todd Pratt
Stephen Randolph
Adam Riggs
Brian Roberts
John Rocker
F.P. Santangelo
Benito Santiago
Gary Sheffield
Scott Schoeneweis
David Segui
Mike Stanton
Miguel Tejada
Ismael Valdez
Mo Vaughn
Randy Velarde
Ron Villone
Fernando Vina
Rondell White
Todd Williams
Jeff Williams
Matt Williams
Steve Woodard
Kevin Young
Gregg Zaun

Wow - Barry BONDS? That is unbelievable! Say it isn't Sosa? This is too much for me to handle. I may never go to another Cubs game again!

What? They did what? They signed Japanese sensation Fukudome? With a name like Fuck-You-Do-Me he's got to be great. Sign me up for a jersey and season tickets.

Let's play ball!

STUFF MADE SIMPLE

Thanks to JB for sharing this wonderfully insightful gem.

It's called the
Story of Stuff and it will walk you through our system of consumption from start to finish - in simple terms. Where does our "stuff" come from? Where does it go when we get rid of it?

It's quite eye-opening, I have to say. 20 minutes of facts delivered at a comfortable pace so you can actually absorb it. (NOTE: One of the sections had trouble loading - just skip ahead if it happens to you)

Did you know that 99% of the "stuff" we consume - virtually all of it - is trash within 6 months? It's true. Not only that, but it was specifically DESIGNED to end up in the trash. If "stuff" lasted longer, we wouldn't have a need to buy more of it!

Seems hard to believe at first, but think about it. All of the stuff harvested, mined, crafted, manufactured, assembled, shipped, stored, sold, and used by Americans is trashed within 180 days. Practically everything we buy is disposable - and priced that way so we can go out and buy more. That's an awful lot of "stuff" we're going through - and fast.

It doesn't take a Rhodes Scholar to recognize that this level of consumption is a problem.

I highly recommend you check out the Story of Stuff. It's making me re-think my holiday shopping list, as well as my resolution for the New Year - which will be to use less stuff. It's not that hard, really, if you ignore trends, forsake fashion, and invest in things that are built to last.

Everything else is just passing slowly through your house on the way to the dump. The first step is awareness - which is the goal of this great presentation. We won't be motivated to change our behavior if we don't understand why it is harmful. Understanding how our collective consumption habits are affecting the environment, our happiness, and the global economy is a key first step toward moving us off of goods for a greater good.

TOILETIQUETTE • A TOP TEN

Chances are you’ve used a restroom before. And if you’ve used a restroom, you've probably made one of the 10 classic bathroom blunders. Here they are – a handy list of common bathroom mistakes you’ll want to avoid if at all possible.






#10 The Lockdown
Whether your workplace shares a single-commode bathroom, you’re at a roadside Carl’s Jr., or you’re visiting relatives over the holidays, here’s one you’ll want to heed: lock that door. There are few life moments as tense as realizing, mid-loaf, that you may be stormed upon at any moment due to an unlocked door. Every second hangs like an eternity in the balance. And there are few moments in life as awkward as when it actually happens. Trust me – I’ve been on both ends of this bad boy. Play it safe and lock the door whenever possible.

#9 The Roll Check
This one’s bathroom 101. If you’re planning to make a deposit, make sure there are enough deposit slips to complete the transaction. It really destroys the mojo of a good dump when you realize immediately after that there’s nothing within arms reach to wipe with. I had a friend so insistent on a post-game wipe-down he actually used the socks on his feet to get a little fabric between his cheeks. The only reason I ever found out about his coup d’toilet was because he couldn’t flush them and “accidentally” left them rolled up in the corner of my bathroom. The entire situation was hard to handle. Literally. Anyhow, your better bet is to be in the habit of checking the roll before you sit down just to make sure there’s enough paper to do the job. Then you won’t end up doing the penguin dance, sashaying awkwardly across the bathroom floor with your ass in the air and your pants around your ankles in search of the Charmin.

#8 Forget to Flush
Who hasn’t made this “faux poos” once or twice? You get preoccupied by a knock on the door or a cellphone call and leave the stall without giving the handle a crank. Life happens, and with it, shit. Think of all the times you forgot to flush and didn’t even realize it – right before a co-worker, romantic interest, or new acquaintance followed you into the bunghole jungle to discover your pet anaconda swollen and coiled up like a fire hose in a porcelain pot. Not exactly the kind of impression you’d knowingly leave on anyone, unless you by chance found yourself entertaining the Cheneys. Sometimes I’ll actually stand above the bowl and watch everything go down to make absolutely certain it’s gone. You’d be surprised how many dumps warrant the double flush, as remnants and pieces float back up into the bowl for another go. Don’t leave ass shrapnel for the next guest to uncover when they lift the lid – always flush until the job is done.

#7 Check the Floor
When in a foreign restroom, always check the floor around the base of the commode before dropping trou. If the seal isn’t sound, there may be standing water – which isn’t that big of a deal until your pants hit the tile and start soaking it all up. You won’t even know it’s happening until you hike your drawers up afterward and discover your entire crotch is sopping with toilet runoff. Since you can’t take your pants off and ring out the damage like a dishrag, you’ll end up having to blast your pelvic region with the hand dryer for a good ten minutes until things are just uncomfortably damp. Trust me – always LOOK down before you SIT down.

#6 Paper Shoe
This one’s been around so long I’m surprised I still see it – but I do still see it. It all starts when, at some point during your rest stop, your shoe gets a little moist from the water on the floor. If you then happen to step upon a loose piece of toilet paper, the moisture causes the paper to stick to your foot. If it’s thin enough, you won’t even feel it’s down there. So you start dragging it around with you everywhere you go. Sometimes these pet paper trails drift for feet in your wake like the snaking ribbons in a Chinese gymnastics routine. It can create quite the scene. To avoid the embarrassment, just check your shoes on the way out. Takes half a second and will spare you all kinds of unwanted attention.


#5 The Blind Rinse
I bet you never thought your good hygiene would turn against you, but if you aren’t careful, it may do just that. I’ve been in many a restroom where the paper towel supply is completely out or the hand dryer is out of order – only I didn’t realize it until after I washed my hands. So I basically end up standing there with soaking wet hands and nothing to dry them on except my tie. Worse – sometimes there’s no soap either. This happens a lot at the ballpark where I think I am setting a good example for the thousands of slobs who are in and out of the loo without even glancing at the sink. Instead, I often end up getting my dirty hands wet, then realize I have no soap to wash them with, no dryer to dry them with, and no paper towels to wipe them with. And as fellow fans stream freely about me on either side, I’m standing there like a moron in the middle hurriedly wiping my dirty wet hands all over my jeans so I don’t miss anything good. Sometimes it’s a good idea to learn from the mistakes of others, eying up the successes and failures of fellow patrons before committing yourself to a quick rinse.

#4 Sitting On The Back of Seat
Here’s one that doesn’t happen too frequently, but I’ve witnessed enough of it second hand to warrant listing it here. Folks – I know you like to make yourselves comfortable when you’re settling in for a nice long dump session…but you must mind how far your ass works itself back on the toilet seat. If your rear is too far back on the rear of the seat, when you pull the trigger on your shit pistol there’s going to be some collateral damage. Depending upon the angle of your asshole and the force behind your lower bowel’s initial thrust, you may inadvertently leave a thumb sliver of the brown round on an otherwise tidy bowl. And the worst part is, you’d never know to look for it. You’d just wipe as normal and be on your way. Meanwhile, the next person to visit ground zero is left wondering why there is a thumb sliver of brown round on the back of the seat. My advice to you is simple – shit down, not back. Don’t lean forward too much, don’t sit back too far, and don’t push too hard if you anticipate a gassy mix.

#3 Forgetting to Put the Seat Down
As a child, I was brought up to raise the seat before peeing and to put it down when I was done. Seemed like a lot of extra work to me, so when I was older and off on my own I decided to just leave it up all the time to expedite my trips. I didn’t see the logic in the constant up and down until the day I had to shit something fierce, barged into my apartment, scrambled to the john and unexpectedly dunked my entire ass into a frigid pool of bowl water. When seconds count, having the seat down can save your ass an unexpected dip in the drink. This is a long-time battle between men and women that I came around on in one fateful afternoon. Keeping the seat down doesn’t just help in case of emergencies, it’s also good for crapping in the dark and/or when you’re under the influence of one or more controlled substances. Or so I hear.

#2 Lean and Lose
The odds of this happening to you dramatically increase with the number of alcoholic beverages you’ve consumed. You’ve just tidied up after a relieving release, tucked your shirt in, straightened out your pants, and buckled up your belt. To complete the trip, you lean forward to flush away the unidentifiable remains of yesterday’s bean burrito when – SHIT! – your cellphone slips out of your jacket pocket and into the bowl. This has almost happened to me more times than I can count. To date, my cat-like reflexes have spared me the agonizing decision of whether or not to attempt a marine rescue of my Motorola lifeline. It helps to be aware of your angle when reaching across a loaded bowl, as well as any valuable articles on your person with the potential to slip from your possession during the reach. I often stash spare dollars in my shirt pocket, keys in my jacket, or my phone somewhere on my upper body so I can hear it ring when I’m walking about. A number of close calls later I now know to lean and flush from the side of the bowl and not over it. You would be wise to do the same.

#1 Don’t Realize You’re Not Alone
There’s nothing like having the entire restroom to yourself to actually REST. Relax. Whistle your favorite tune. Tap your toes innocently. Sing the theme from the Love Boat. Give the acoustics a test with some bassy blasts from your hind quarters. Moan with satisfaction as you unleash the Kraken. Whatever. It’s all good in the privacy of a restroom that’s all your own. Until you step out from your stall and realize there was someone sitting next to you the entire time. I once gave some dude a courtesy heads-up because I felt embarrassed for him. I had just sidled up to a urinal to take a leak when I heard his ass sputtering in a nearby stall like an idling chainsaw. Suddenly, he rips this gargantuan fart with all the force he could muster and I could just tell he had no idea I was there. So I gave him a vote of confidence to get him through it. “Nice one, bro,” I offered politely. There was dead silence.

MAKER'S MARK

Winter hasn't even started yet and I'm already dreaming of spring. Here's a little ditty I wrote back in 2007. I call it Maker's Mark.

MAKER'S MARK

I'm melting away in the February sunset
Sure enjoyed my stay, I guess I've no regrets about it
All that's left to say is thanks for everything

I'm swimming in myself as the wind is getting warmer
Drowning in my tears as I'm slowly losing form
You're moving onto something else as winter moves to spring

You made me beautiful
You gave me this nose
And when I'm gone you'll go on with your life
Until it snows
I suppose that's the way life goes

I'm drifting to sleep as I drip away the hours
Watering the weeds beneath me so there will be flowers
It's the least that I can do for all you've done for me

Like the soul behind my eyes and the spirit in my humor
When a snowman dies you know I think I heard a rumor
I'll be back again someday...just you wait and see

You made me beautiful
You gave me this nose
And when I'm gone you'll go on with your life
Until it snows
I suppose that's the way life goes

I'm melting away in the February sunset
Sure enjoyed my stay, I guess I've no regrets about it
All that's left to say is thanks for everything