MISMANAGED GASTROINTESTINAL CONTROL

Have you ever ripped a nasty fart at the office? What am I saying - of course you have. Probably in the last hour.

What I MEANT to ask was, have you ever unintentionally blasted an obnoxiously loud fart at the office in the vicinity of other people?

Yeah...I just did about 5 minutes ago. It was pretty bad. I could sense heads turning behind me, but I carefully disregarded the sound. At least at first. I tried to remain calm, pretending the sound of a chainsaw revving didn't just roar from my general direction.

Still, I knew I wouldn't be able to feign ignorance forever - it was THAT loud. So I immediately started fidgeting with my chair as though it was to blame for the awkward sound. But it just clicked and rattled in a way my bowels did not. As hard as I tried, there was no mistaking it - I had farted. Loudly.

I decided I would just play it off as nothing and pretend it never happened. And this worked for about 10 seconds until the scent hit my nostrils. This was going to be harder to ignore. The stench was brutal. I was actually holding my breath at my desk so I didn't have to inhale the wretched aroma. If there had remained any doubt as to the mysterious noise, it was now gone.

So here I sit. A farter. Farting at the office. Loudly, without apology. All I can do now is embrace it.