MAKING FACES AT THE PHOTOSHOPPING MALL

In case you weren't aware, I am the Creative Director at an advertising agency. It's not a bad gig most days. It's my job to direct creative, which means spotting talent when I see it, and making people go back to the drawing board when I don't. Since I came up on the copy side, which is writing-based, it never ceases to amaze me what creative people can do with some of these design programs. A friend of mine forwarded me the following pictures this morning with the subject line: When your daddy is a graphic designer.

Love the photo manipulation here. Just had to share as we all recover from our Halloween hangovers. Great stuff. Thanks, JB!

It all starts with the original shot. Helps to have something with a little attitude to it, like this one, which is a great shot without any touch-up work at all.

Then the fun starts. All you need is the right software, a vivid imagination, and a little free time.

COSTUME OF THE YEAR

And the winner is...the chap who dressed up as You Tube. Fuckin' A awesome right down to the comments.

Imagination rules.

CROC HUNTER

I've been directed to this guy's site a number of times in the past and have always enjoyed my stay. I'm fairly convinced he is me - 10 years ago. Still has some fight in him. Still has an edge.

My edge has dulled over the years. I've been reduced to a sorry state of kvetching. I used to have spunk. I used to rant and rave about senselessness and the social ills of our day. Now I just throw my arms up and say, "What are ya gonna do?"

Anyhow, here's a professional bitch-master after my own heart.

For the record - I hate Crocs, too.

INTERVIEW WITH A PRIMATE

The following excerpts are from an interview I recently conducted with myself. I was quite saucy that day!

********TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2007***********

Q: What time do you normally get up?
A: At 7:07 I get up – and nothing gets me down. You got it tough? I’ve seen the toughest around.

Q: Van Halen. Nice. So - if you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be with?
A: Who's paying? I don't know. People don't really impress me. Plus, I'm an introvert - so I wouldn't have much to say to someone I don't already know personally.

Q: Gold or silver?
A: My teeth are all still their original white. Although I have been promising my girlfriend a new grill. Let's go silver on that.

Q: What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
A: I don't remember, but I know I'm still paying off the second mortgage I had to take out on my house to pay for it. No wonder the box office is hurting.

Q: What is your favorite TV show?
A: I have three, actually. The Office, Lost, and Survivor. I move heaven and earth to clear my schedule for them.

Q: What did you have for breakfast?
A: A big bowl of oxygen soup. I usually drink coffee for breakfast. Lots of coffee. And then I chase that with water until I'm ready to squeeze mud.

Q: Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with?
A: That's a toss up between Sean Hannity and a well-wired suicide bomber. Let's go with the latter - I'd have better luck reasoning with a suicidal extremist than that narrow-minded Neanderthal.

Q: What/who inspires you?
A: A really good crap. Every time. Seems all of my best ideas seem to come to me on the toilet.

Q: What is your middle name?
A: I don’t tell anyone that it’s Valentine. That's just between you and me, by the way, and off the record. Seriously. Don't print that.

Q: Beach, City or Country?
A: City, of course. It’s the only way to have an appreciation for the other two.

Q: Butter, plain or salted popcorn?
A: Load on the butter and salt. All old people seem to do is bitch about how miserable they are - sign me up for the express check-out.

Q: Favorite color?
A: I don’t consciously practice discrimination. I think I gravitate toward green, though.

Q: What kind of car do you drive?
A: I don’t see how that is germane to this conversation.

Q: Favorite sandwich?
A: Italian Beef combo, dipped, with hot and sweet peppers, and smothered in melted mozzarella. Can I get cheese fries and a root beer with that?

Q: What characteristic do you despise?
A: Resolve. When you’re in a hole, the best thing to do is stop digging.

Q: Do you have a favorite flower?
A: De-

Q: If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
A: Did you catch the joke about the flower? De-. Get it?

Q: Noted. So if you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
A: La Grange. No, scratch that. I’ve been to La Grange. It’s okay. I would like to see the UK, Australia, and Iceland. And Bermuda once they get that triangle issue worked out.

Q: What color is your bathroom?
A: You seriously did not just ask me that. Antique white, I think. Funny I would know that.

Q: Favorite brand of clothing?
A: If it fits, I dig it. I'm really more into shoes than clothes. A great set of wheels can really bring the ensemble together, don't you think?

Q: Where would you retire to?
A: The couch. Love the couch.

Q: Favorite day of the week?
A: Does anyone ever pick Tuesday? I should pick Tuesday just because no one ever picks Tuesday. But that would be a lie. I hate Tuesdays. Saturday is clearly the best day. What kind of question is that? Someone needs to take your interview card away. Do they even certify people like you?

Q: Not exactly. So what did you do for your last birthday?
A: Probably went drinking, but who keeps track anymore? Really.

Q: Where were you born?
A: Memories surrounding my birth are sketchy, but I seem to recall it was a hospital.

Q: Favorite sport to watch?
A: ESPN seems to think Texas Hold ‘Em is a sport now and I do enjoy watching it…but nothing beats NFL Football. March Madness rocks, too. I tried watching soccer once since they made such a fuss about this Beckham character, but it was like receiving a really slow handjob - mildly enjoyable, but I wasn't sure if anything was ever going to happen. And then ultimately I fell asleep. So there you go.

Q: Coke or Pepsi?
A: I avoid both, actually. I once read that carbonation isn't good for your swimmers and I've been off the stuff ever since. Plus, it all tastes the same to me. I’m not particular in the least when it comes to elastic goods like milk, soda, and cheap domestic beer. I think the Pepsi Challenge proved that most people can't tell the difference, anyhow - even after stating a strong preference. We love to think we know, don't we? We insist we like one better. But we really don't know. The fact that we even have a choice is a beautiful thing, though. We shouldn't take that for granted.

Q: Are you a morning person or a night owl?
A: I’m best between 9-11 in the morning and get a second wind between 5-7 at night. The rest of the day I’m a nap waiting to happen. I could fall asleep right now, actually.

Q: Do you have any pets?
A: No pets...but I do have a lot of pet peeves. Like jackasses who turn suddenly without signaling. I always imagine accelerating through the back of their car as they're winding slowly through the turn. Signaling is fundamental.

Q: Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
A: I’m 6 months pregnant with a great idea. The doctor offered to tell me what it was but I told him I wanted it to be a surprise. I’m very excited to see how this idea changes my life.

CARVIN' MARVIN

What would Halloween be with a little pumpkin carving fun?

Enjoy!

POLLARY CLINTON AND THE NEO-CONSPIRACY

Contrary to what you may have been hearing, Hillary Clinton does NOT have a 33-point advantage over her Democratic rivals for President.

Now there’s a bold statement.

I submit to you that this reported “news” is simply untrue - a fabrication foisted upon the unknowing masses by a neo-conservative media machine responsible for parsing out information in the interest of steering us toward war with Iran, Syria, North Korea, Mars, and Mercury. In case you’re new to politics, the same neo-cons behind the Bush II debacle ADORE Hillary. She’s like ordering up a round of cold Bush Light.

How can I make these bold assertions without any facts to back them up? Fortunately, one of the few freedoms I have left as we wind down Bush’s “reign of error” is the freedom of speech. I can make these claims on suspicion alone because this is a forum for sharing ideas, a basic right (at least as of this morning) still protected by the First Amendment.

Want proof that I’m right? Do a little impromptu research. Ask around. I know a LOT of people. Different people in different states. People who know people. And I have a hard time finding ANY people willing to admit they are planning to vote for Hillary. What I don’t find hard to come across are people who loathe her with every fiber of their being. Democrats, Republicans, and Independents alike. It’s actually been easier to find people who will admit to voting for Bush than people supporting Hillary. That’s saying something.

So where does her insurmountable 33-point lead come from? Are they conducting these polls exclusively in upstate New York? With a lead like that, one might expect to see highways from coast to coast overrun with “Hillary ’08” bumper clings. But here I live in the nation’s third largest metropolitan area and I see virtually no evidence of any support for Hillary anywhere. And she’s FROM here. The people I know – people who vote Democratic more reliably than Britney ends up in rehab – tell me they’ll vote for anyone but Hillary.

Obviously, my personal findings weren’t meshing with the hard numbers, so it forced me to come up with some possible reasons for this. One theory is that people who are planning to vote for Hillary are afraid to tell their friends because they would prefer to keep their friends. Let’s face it – she’s a lightning rod. No one wants to come near her politically. And yet a 33-point lead suggests people are falling all over one another to profess their admiration for her. I think there’s something else going on: poll-fixing.

It certainly does sound far-fetched to suggest that polling data has been misrepresented, or our news so audaciously manufactured. But we know that information in this country is controlled by a few powerful media machines in the business of selling fear, fads, and fashion. So is it REALLY out of the realm of possibility that a handful of powerful decision-makers at the top of the media chain directed a few people behind closed doors to cook the numbers a little to make Hillary’s nomination seem inevitable?

Think about what that lead does to the psyche of your average voter.

Seeing a lead so formidable makes me feel like voting for anyone else would be a waste of my time. And since I’d sooner castrate myself with a butter knife than punch for Hillarobot, the net result is voter apathy. I stay home that night and watch the massacre from the comfort of my couch. The media machine wins.

Look where the money has been coming from. Hillary is loading up on lobby cash. You name the lobby, there’s a cashed check somewhere with her campaign’s stamp on it. Edwards and Obama, meanwhile, have been raising their money from working people who want to see a change in government – not the same corporate-controlled bullshit we’re used to. Takes a lot more people to raise the same amount of money, and a lot more integrity.

Who do you think has a better chance of getting Clinton’s ear were she to be elected – you? Or the lobbyists who put her in office? Why do you think she feels obligated to take all of that campaign cash from lobbyists? Because she doesn’t have the grass roots support. Which brings us back to that 33-point lead. How could Obama possibly be that far behind given that he’s broken virtually every grass roots fundraising record on the books? Seems to me the only way to prevent him from winning with support like that is to prevent his network from voting, and the best way to do that is to make sure they believe they’re so far behind they’d never stand a chance.

A 33-point deficit is a good start.

So why would neo-conservatives love Hillary? Think outside the box here. Their idea of fun is keeping the military industrial complex humming, so they need someone in office steadfastly dedicated to keeping the 21st century Crusades alive. With popular support for Republicans (and Democrats unwilling to take them on) reeling, the best shot they’ve got is a weak opponent. And, believe it or not, despite her whopping “33-point” lead, Hillary is probably the only Democrat in the field capable of losing to fear-mongering morons like Giuliani and “sharp as a catcher’s mitt” Romney.

But let’s say she manages to beat the odds. Let’s say the Republican nominee commits some catastrophic blunder on the campaign trail, accidentally advocating a solution with some semblance of common sense and decency. And let’s say they are promptly alienated by the holier than Yao Christian right as a result. BAM – Hillary wins by 7 votes. And so do the neo-cons – because, of all the Democrats running, she’s the one candidate most likely to continue the policy positions of the current administration. Bush Light.


Let’s recap. Not only did Clinton vote in favor of the Iraq war, she refuses to concede now that it may not have been the best idea. Further, she refuses to commit to pulling U.S. troops from Iraq by 2013! Rumsfeld would be proud of old girl.

More scary facts for your files. Hillary Clinton voted for the Patriot Act, and then, once it was revealed how its language undermined the basic freedoms we had been guaranteed under the Constitution, she voted in favor of reauthorizing it. She also voted for building a wall on the U.S.-Mexican border. She voted to enforce "decency" standards in television and music. And the one that kills me personally is her most recent vote on the Kyl-Lieberman Amendment, giving the Bush administration authority to declare Iran’s 125,000-member Revolutionary Guard Corps a foreign terrorist organization. Why is this amendment so dangerous? Because President Cheney and Vice President Bush could use its language to justify keeping our troops in Iraq so long as they can point to a threat from Iran. They could even use this language to justify an attack on Iran as a part of the ongoing war in Iraq. It’s another step down the path toward expanding our war in the Middle East. Obama did not support it. Edwards did not support it. Hillary supported it. Look at the voting record. Not exactly the kind of change we're looking for.

I wonder if her “33-point” lead realizes what it’s supporting. I can’t imagine THAT many Democrats would prefer our nation continue to pursue these failed policies when the balance of our alternatives is pitching a far more sincere brand of change. Again, it forces me to doubt that 33-point lead.

They can sell it on the evening news every night of the week, but I'm just not buying it.

FEAR FACTOR

THE GREENLIGHT

Want to do something for the environment? Don't just change your light bulbs, change your leaders. Great article from Thomas Friedman, author of "The World is Flat," about how all the individual steps we take from recycling to conservation mean very little unless we choose leaders equally committed to making a difference.

HEADS UP!

I would never advocate suicide, but if you WERE going to kill yourself, this is the way to go out.

BASELESS CHARGES

Check this shit out. Ecuador's President, Rafael Correa, said his country will not renew Washington's lease on the Manta air base, which is set to expire in 2009. Anticipating pressure from the U.S., Manta had this to say:

"We'll renew the base on one condition: that they let us put a base in Miami -- an Ecuadorean base."

I love it. We can have an air base in their country if they can have an air base in ours. It isn't all that unreasonable, is it?

Is it anti-American of me to love that? Because I REALLY love it. It does sadden me as well. There was a time when nations around the globe actually appreciated us. Now these same countries resent us more than they trust us - and that's pretty fucking sad. I have to say - I don't blame them. I resent us more than I trust us right now with the Viva Viagra clan running the show. That doesn't make me anti-American...just pro-human.

President Correa is serious, though. He actually went so far as to say he would cut off his arm before allowing the U.S. to renew its lease. We might as well start calling him "Lefty" now.

NOT SUCH A GRATE IDEA

Everyone is up in arms about the toys we're importing from China being unsafe. Whatever. A little lead-based paint will put hair on your chest.

I'm more concerned about the toys they're making in Wisconsin. This fancy slide was recalled after the first 10 were installed.

Grate ideas always get ripped to shreds, don't they?

MY WORD!

Here's an addictive vocabulary tester you can play and help feed the world at the same time. Try to beat my high score of 44.

BOMBERMAN, START!

Every time I think Bush has completely lost his mind, he proves he had just a little bit left to lose. The evidence continues to mount that an attack on Iran is imminent. G-Dubs was pounding his war gong loud and clear at today's press conference where he declared that if Iran continues its nuclear program, it is essentially starting World War III.

Yes, my fellow Americans, George Bush threatened World War III today. I think I can hear Ozzy cackling somewhere: "All aboard!"

We're definitely headed off the rails on a crazy train. Dubya's war fetish is far worse than Hoover's cross-dressing tendencies ever were. And almost as expensive. There's simply no longer any defense left for the man. He's off the charts out of his fucking mind. It makes me seriously question the intelligence of anyone still making excuses for his policies - all of the brainwashed lemmings unwilling or unable to remove their blindfolds as the lying piper leads us all off the cliff.

Is there anything we can do to prevent the inevitable? Or are we truly paralyzed and helpless? Democrats will badmouth the President to the press over and over again - but when it comes time to pass a war budget, they line up and sign on the line that is dotted. There's dissent coming from every corner of the globe and every state in the nation. Yet a handful of powerful neoconservatives have managed to hijack America and they are now driving all of us, hostages in our own country, to the brink of yet another war we don't want and can't afford. This is absolute madness - and if you aren't outraged, you haven't been paying attention.

The writing is on the wall, and it's in the broken English of a bumbling American dictator.

NOTES ON BEING, ON TIME

Sometimes, in my private moments, I find myself speculating about really important things. Not things about me and my insignificant little life here in a small section of a big city in the middle of a large country that's part of a much bigger world - but important things. Like how to tell time in space.


Thinking about it made my head hurt.


Let’s say you’re floating about in space. Maybe you’re flying in a ship of some kind, or taking a nice, relaxing float in the tightly swaddled comfort of a boundless, black cosmos.


Whatever.


Now let’s say your watch stops. Batteries die or something. You tap it a few times, but nothing. It's done. Digital instrumentation and communications with mission control back on earth would help you keep track, but what if those too failed. What if you're out there and you have no idea what time it is. Does time even matter? And if it doesn't really matter out there, does it really matter down here?

Imagine being alone in space. Time as you know it would come to mean less and less. Sunrise and sunset really don’t apply in the way that they do now. Way out in deep space you’re surrounded by tons of flickering little specks – none quite so helpful as our own flickering little speck, the sun, at giving us the time. So drifting about in space, I imagine, isn’t a whole lot unlike spending a week inside a casino…minus the clanging jackpots and flashing lights.

No clocks. No windows to the sun. No sense for time at all. Just two hands in front of you and a laundry list of biological needs and urges.

And that’s when it dawned on me. Time as we know it – the 24-hour cycle we have neatly broken up into morning, afternoon, and night – is irrelevant in space!

Of course, we would still experience the linear passing of time from now to now-again-but-later to now-again-but-later-than-later, and so on. But without a clock or a sun to set and keep time by, there would be no way (or need) to schedule anything. No meetings to miss. No appointments to keep. No dates to circle on the calendar.

Because there's nothing to keep track of passing time. Even talking in terms of the increments we use today would be pointless. Seconds, minutes, and hours are all derived from a 24-hour day, which only matters here on earth. Out in space, everything is now or never. What is natural here becomes synthetic and man-made as soon as you leave orbit.

***

Interestingly, a recent 60 Minutes report on an indigenous tribe in the south Pacific made note of the fascinating fact that the natives did not have a word in their language equivalent to our word for “when.” They had no need for one because they don't project things out in time. Everything is now. They don’t experience time in the same way that those of us in the hustling, bustling “civilized” world do. Marooned in space, they’d probably far a lot better than we would.

I’d go insane. I am all about time. It drives me up a wall to be late to anything. I would rather be an hour early than a minute late. Wow. Read that again, will ya. Seeing that in print made me realize that maybe I already AM insane. And maybe my relationship with clocks has made me so.

So here I am, thinking about very important things, and I just realized how much time I’ve spent doing it. Was it too much time? Too little? Just enough? I guess when I put things in perspective and remember that I’m really just floating around in space on a spinning chunk of matter, time isn’t the important thing.

The important thing is that I’m floating around in space on a spinning chunk of matter.

And that's pretty cool.

FUN AND GAMES

Just in time for Halloween, here's a great time-waster called Cat Bowling. Entertaining and addictive. Start a league at work and cackle with delight with every pumpkin toss.

PRIMARY SCHOOL

So you're weighing your Presidential options and thinking, this sucks, I'm surrounded by Democratic milquetoasts and Republican war mongers. You don't want another bought-and-paid-for corporate sponsored politician to do the bidding of big business, catering to the very same lobbies currently running our country, from AIPAC to the American oil cartel. You don't want 9/11 profiteers, scarecrows or sissy-ass pander bears. You just want a

If I didn't feel obligated to vote against our nation's growing bureaucratic machine (Hillary) in the February Primary, I'd likely register as a Republican and vote for Ron Paul. He's the Republican version of Dennis Kucinich and only Republican candidate for President with testicles.

Seriously. If you're voting Republican, he's the only one who upholds the true values the party was built upon. He's the only one who understands the consequences of our foreign policy decisions (You Tube recent debates for evidence of this scary fact and pay special attention to the things that come out of Giuliani's mouth). And when he's alone in a room with Mitt Romney, he's the only one with an IQ over 80.

Given the lackluster crop of candidates we're stuck with, the dream card for the general would be a Kucinich-Paul smackdown - America couldn't lose either way. Not even the poised optimist, Obama, can take down Hillary's lobby money, so Dennis is out. But Ron Paul may have a shot yet. Give him a look.

FAMILY VALUES

Hilarious.

LOST IN TRANSLATION

Thanks to Steve for sharing this lovely reminder that men are not very good with the phone.

ABHORRTION

FYI.

The World Health Organization just released the results of a study on abortion rates worldwide and they reveal perhaps the single greatest defense for keeping the controversial practice legal.

According to the study, abortion rates in countries where the procedure is legal are similar to countries where it is not. The conclusion is that outlawing abortion has little to no effect on human behavior. There are some things that can't be legislated, and abortion is one of them. In other words, where there is a will, there is a way.

While the numbers may not provide a compelling moral defense for legality, they do offer a practical one. If it is the ultimate intention of law to control human behavior, and this law does not, then there is no point to having the law. There is, on the other hand, a compelling reason NOT to have it. According to the same study, while abortion rates are similar across countries regardless of legality, the safety of the procedures varies widely and is considered far more dangerous and deadly in countries where it is outlawed.

The net is that banning abortion does not result in significantly fewer people getting them, but it does result in more people dying in the process. If we want to prevent people from getting abortions, a more practical, effective, and SAFER approach is preventing them from getting pregnant in the first place.

THE TRIANGLE OF TRUTH

We try explaining this to our clients all the time and they just don't seem to get it.

THE REAL DEAL

Who said wrestling is fake?

MANAGING OVERHEAD

Nothing like teamwork.

ALL DAY EVERY DAY

Here's another candidate for worst job in the world.

LITTERBUG SHUTTERBUG

This has got to be the trashiest art I have ever seen. Amazing what you can find in the garbage.

SAM HARRIS IS A GOD TO ATHEISTS

"Mormonism, it seems to me, is—objectively—just a little more idiotic than Christianity is. It has to be: because it is Christianity plus some very stupid ideas. For instance, the Mormons think Jesus is going to return to earth and administer his Thousand years of Peace, at least part of the time, from the state of Missouri. Why does this make Mormonism less likely to be true than Christianity? Because whatever probability you assign to Jesus’ coming back, you have to assign a lesser probability to his coming back and keeping a summer home in Jackson County, Missouri. If Mitt Romney wants to be the next President of the United States, he should be made to feel the burden of our incredulity. We can make common cause with our Christian brothers and sisters on this point. Just what does the man believe? The world should know. And it is almost guaranteed to be embarrassing even to most people who believe in the biblical God."

Plenty more good stuff where this came from here.

Love the way this guy makes words dance on a page.

BOWLING

That's how I roll.

WHERE DID PEOPLE COME FROM?

The people ask:

"Where did people come from? If there was Adam and Eve, their son Cain...who killed Abel....where do all of us come from? I hear incest....however the Bible does not cover this topic, it skips around the whole whom begat whom..."

AYNtK to the rescue:

That's because the Bible is full of stories. The truth is we came from monkeys. I know there is, has been, and will always be endless debate about this, but many believe that the stories in the Bible were not meant to be taken literally for the very reason you pointed out. There would have been a lot of incest at the top of our family tree. Doesn't seem biologically feasible, does it?

Some think it's a better idea to take the stories in the Bible as a moral guide and to use them to live a productive, meaningful, happy life. And leave questions regarding our origin to the scientists who will tell you that, without question, our ACTUAL ancestors were swinging in trees long before Adam and Eve took a stroll in the garden...

MONKEY IN THE MIDDLE

Despite the best efforts of the mainstream media to crown Hillary queen of the Democratic Party, I am sticking to the game plan: out with the same old, in with the new. It’s time to bring this dizzying Bush-Clinton-Clinton-Bush-Bush-Clinton merry-go-round to a screeching halt, my friends. Enough of these pandering, two-faced, bought-and-paid-for puppets!

As someone who thinks this country needs to crank the steering wheel hard left, I’d strongly advise Hillarians to review and consider their alternatives if they want to see a Democrat in the White House come 2008. Seriously. I warned people about nominating Al Gore in 2000. He didn’t appeal to the monkeys in the middle – and national elections are all about the monkeys in the middle.

Let me explain.

You’ve got 20% of the left-wing monkeys swinging on the left side and 20% of the right-wing monkeys swinging on the right side. And then you've got a big monkeypile where the rest of us are going apeshit in the middle. The monkeys on the left and the right balance each other out – so it’s really the monkeys in the middle who decide. We’re also called swing voters, as it happens.

It’s important to understand simian psychology when electing our leaders. The monkeypile doesn’t just vote for people they like…they vote AGAINST people they don’t like. That’s how Al Gore narrowly won the election in 2000, and was narrowly defeated in the process. Too many monkeys in the middle voted against him. We kept swinging back and forth in the polls, but when we stepped into the booth to decide, we just couldn’t go with someone we couldn’t stand. So we swung the other way. That’s the business of monkeys - we swing.

Hillary has the same problem. She only appeals to the 20% of monkeys on the left. Monkeys in the middle go bananas just thinking about her. I actually start flinging feces at my television whenever she’s on it, which is not easy to clean up depending on what I ate. So if you plan to vote in the Democratic Primary, just be aware that a vote for Hillary is basically a vote against the Democratic Party in the general election.

To avoid another electoral fiasco, smart Democrats will look to nominate someone who isn’t loathed by nearly half the American people. I’m just one monkey in the middle, but I’m personally keen on Obama, whose popular support continues to swell. Hillary did outraise him in Q3 thanks to more big money from big donors with big interests in big business and much bigger government. But Obama continues drawing record support from little people with big hearts; people whose votes count the same as the people playing Clintonopoly.

Why Obama? For one, he's inherently likable - blessed with the gift of charisma…something Hillary may have accidentally bumped into once at a fundraiser, but never really got to know. Once people listen to him and find out what he’s all about, they can’t help but root for the guy. He has an infectious presence. He’s smart, pragmatic, and optimistic – everything our current President is not (which is a great start, don’t you think?).

The only knock you’ll hear is the ridiculous assertion (from the Clinton camp, primarily) that, somehow, he lacks the "experience" required to be an effective leader. Excuse me while I hurl turds at this preposterous suggestion. Since when did “Years in Washington” become a prerequisite for President? Given Congress’s record-low 11% approval rating, I’d wager the monkeys in the middle may be looking for a leader who HASN’T spent a whole lot of time in Washington. Further, if experience IS what you’re looking for, then it’s important to note that Obama has actually held elected office longer than Capitol Hillary. (Yes, really) He’s passed more bills and has been in public service for over two decades. Hillary, meanwhile, was busily inventing right-wing conspiracies and covering up shady land deals – also relevant experience in Washington, but not exactly the kind that inspires people to action.

In American politics, it's all about getting the monkey in the middle to swing your way. I'm sticking with the plan: out with the same old, in with the new. And if the masses insist on Hillary, I'll be flinging lots of poo.

QUITTERS NEVER WIN

But they don't give themselves an opportunity to lose, either.

I admire that.

F IS FOR FRIES

Study hard, kids! One teacher sends a message to his students with the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

BELIEF SYSTEM OVERLOAD

I'm not the world's biggest atheist or anything. In fact, I tend to error on the side of some divine presence over nothing at all. But this dude seriously cracks me up. His name is Pat Condell and he makes a pretty entertaining argument against the existence of Jesus. I've seen a few of his intellectual ramblings and they're all quite thought-provoking. So well-articulated, in fact, he's been drawing all kinds of hellfire from angry Christians. His latest well-mannered, soft-spoken tirade is definitely worth a listen.

WI THE PEOPLE

I got a chance to play the Nintendo Wii (pronounced “we”) for the first time this past weekend and, as my friend promised, I’m still sore from it.

In case you’re not familiar, the Wii is a video game console system with a twist. Instead of the traditional joystick controller, the Wii features an innovative, interactive remote-control device you actually wave around in the air to virtually bowl, play baseball, play tennis, and a bunch of other simulated activities. It’s a rather sophisticated, quasi-futuristic concept in gaming that combines human movement with computer animation – and it’s way cool…for about 10 minutes, anyhow. After that you start to get tired. And then you get a little sore. And then you start to remember that the reason you liked video games in the first place was because you could plant your ass in some comfy couch cushions and twiddle your thumbs all day long without breaking a sweat.

But I will say this for the Wii – it opens up a whole new realm of gaming possibilities. And it’s opened up gaming to whole new markets. I saw a news report last week about an assisted living community in the south where they play Wii bowling as a recreational activity and the seniors love it! instead of loading up the bus and carting everyone to the local lanes where they’d have to struggle with swinging around heavy balls, home administrators just set up the Wii in the activity room and let the seniors have at it. Believe it or not, the room is packed daily.

The sky is really the limit when you're not confined to a joystick. Adding a little motion or some sensory control takes gaming to a whole new level. So I started brainstorming some fun new game concepts that would let people “try their hand” at some pretty original activities.

Here are a few ideas the folks at Nintendo might want to consider...

Bill Belichick Football ‘08
Perfect your handicam skills, virtually shooting the opposing team’s huddles and sidelines for hot play-calling footage. Zoom in and out looking for hints, tips, and clues as to what play is coming next. The more plays you can steal before being escorted off the field by security, the better your score! And when security does come, make sure you hang onto that camera or scandal will erupt! A cheater's fantasy come true.

O.J.: Juice On The Loose
This action-adventure game starts with a home break-in and physical altercation, culminates in a double murder, and concludes with a high-speed getaway on the LA freeway. Experience what it’s like to commit first-degree murder and get away with it over and over again…just like OJ! Or play in arcade mode where you storm Vegas hotel rooms with guns blazing for more high-adrenaline criminal excitement. Tight-fitting gamer glove sold separately.

Freedom America
Make a run for the border in this action-adventure epic that puts you in the shoes of a poor, hungry Mexican migrant worker. Climb fences, navigate barbed wire, wade streams, fend off border patrol dogs, and fight for the last spot in the back of a Ford pick-up truck that just set sail toward the land of the free. Will you find amnesty or agony?

Kidd-Wife Crisis
Put up your dukes and fight! Try your hand at fending off the menacing fists of NBA all-star Jason Kidd as he beats you down in this domestic abuse classic. Throw vases and dishes at the superstar point guard as he chases you from room to room in a heated frenzy. Then get your guard up and protect your pretty face as the knuckles start flying. Big fun for all ages!

To Catch a Predator
You’re Chris Hansen, Dateline NBC correspondent, in this role-play drama. It’s your job to coax embarrassing confessions out of child molesters as they come snooping around your set-up house for some underage action. It’s all in the timing and arm gestures. Wait until the perverted perp is in position, and then pounce! Offer him a seat on the stool and a stale brownie – but carefully. If the perp feels threatened, he’ll bolt. Make him feel safe and secure so you can pepper him with ridiculous questions – over 250 to choose from including, ‘What did you think was going to happen here tonight?’ and ‘Do you always keep condoms in your car?’ Ask just the right questions and wave a stack of transcripts to reduce future felons to tears. The more footage you can get, the higher your ratings!

Leisure Suit Larry: Woo in the Loo
So, you think you’re pretty smooth? Put your pick-up skills to the test in this homoerotic role player based on the life of Senator Larry Craig. Visit airport bathrooms, interstate rest stops, and public libraries all over America in one man’s quest to find inner peace through random ass and handjobs. Use the controller to initiate eye contact, tap patterns on the tile floor, and wave your consent below the stall divider. Even coax mysterious partners of all shapes and sizes to a complete finish! But beware – there are undercover police officers, skinheads, and plenty of communicable diseases out there. Conduct your tearoom trades with extreme caution!

HOST YOUR OWN DEBATE

I thought this link was pretty damn cool. It's an online Democratic Party debate that you control. There's a moderator asking questions, and all of your favorite would-be presidents to choose from. You select the topic and the participants and Yahoo! creates a custom mash-up for you.

It's a fun way to learn a little bit more about the candidates you're interested in. Check out Bill Maher's questions, too. Serious questions with a fun twist.

KEEP AN EYE ON DUBAI

From the news today: Dubai is planning to acquire 19.9% of the Nasdaq stock exchange in New York, placing the Arab government in an ownership position. The move has raised concerns among many in Congress. They are also acquiring 28% of London's stock exchange.

I've been telling people for years that something's going on in Dubai and they just chuckle at my overactive imagine. Mark my words, people. I will say it again. There is something going on in Dubai.

BELATED NOTES ON THE 4TH

Summer is nearly over and it's been a fun one, my friends. So fun, in fact, I've had little time to report on much. For this I apologize. You deserve so much more than the stream of activist propaganda and Bush-being-stupid-again links I've been posting. All in due time. Thanks for hanging in there.

So what was I up to over the past few months? Well, you may have read that I recently attended the Austin City Limits music festival. That was a nice way to spend an afternoon. It was also an easy way to sweat off about 6 pounds standing still. Damn does it get hot down there.

I also watched the 4th of July fireworks from the rooftop of my Chicago high rise. I can't begin to describe to you the view. Okay, I'll try. First, you should know that Chicago's fireworks are always on the 3rd of July - but the suburban celebrations usually take place on the 4th. So I headed up to the roof around 9:30 and turned to the west to see if I could spot anything.

The sound of tiny, distant explosions filled the air, like muffled bursts of popcorn in a scalding hot kettle. Low along the horizon, as far as the eye could see, bright colorful pinwheels were shattering like tiny Christmas lights everywhere. It was amazing to behold. Some shot higher than others, and they appeared suddenly, randomly - near, far, and beyond. A soft gray haze cloaked distant chimneys, lying flat like a pool of marsh water and flickering orange with every pyrotechnic eruption. Whistles, bangs, and sirens rang out. A stranger would think the streets were under siege with all of the commotion below. But from up there on the rooftop, it all seemed very peaceful. A light breeze stroked my bare arms as I clung to a chain link fence, gazing through the metal diamonds at the world I love.

After several minutes enjoying the view, I turned around and noticed I wasn't alone. The roof had been collecting others - also curious to see the celebration from on high. It was a perspective on Independence day fireworks unlike any other I'd witnessed before. Instead of lying below the massive umbrellas of cascading light, I was watching them from above - crackling, fizzling, and dripping like condensation on a shower door into the urban drain. I imagined what the spectacle must look like from even higher up as a jet plane skated quietly above - lights flickering reliably underneath. They have the best view of all, I thought. To them the world looked like a motherboard short-circuiting.

I remember thinking how great it was that, in the midst of this horrible war, with foreclosures reaching record highs, faith in government at historic lows, recession on the tongue of every other economic forecaster, somehow, we had the temerity to wish ourselves a happy birthday. Now here's a country with a little self-confidence, I said to myself. We're optimistic if nothing else. We know we're not very popular right now, but dammit we mean well. And we're not bad people...we just keep electing bad leaders. Things are bound to turn around at some point, right?

And on that note, I turned around and headed back inside.

THE PROMOTION OF FAILURE

Sing that song, my brother. Olbermann rocks. Let's get on these fuckers.

YOU CAN RESTORE HABEUS CORPUS

Want to get a little freedom back? Become a citizen co-sponsor of a bill in the U.S. Senate that's expected to go up for a vote THIS WEEK.

By signing on, you can actually help Congress roll back some of the dangerous policies instituted by the Bush Administration - policies that essentially made it legal for the government to break into your home, kidnap you, and lock you up for as long as they want without giving you a reason.

Let your voice be heard on this vital piece of legislation. The vote will be close - but if we speak loud enough, we can force our elected officials to do the right thing for a change. Make sure they know you are watching how they vote.

Restore Habeus-Corpus. It only takes a minute!

THE FOURTH REICH

One of the few remaining justifications for the war in Iraq, we're told, is the possibility that – SOMEHOW – by invading the country on false pretenses, toppling a lame dictatorship that posed no more a threat to our national security than any other country in that region, creating a dangerous power vacuum without a thoughtful, viable plan for filling the government void, refereeing an intensely violent sectarian civil war, sparking a broad insurgency across an already volatile region, sustaining widespread, worldwide resentment toward our hegemonic foreign policy decisions, dumping billions into destabilizing the Middle East to promote an aggressive, unilateral campaign of preemptive military intervention, and sacrificing the lives of thousands of Americans who might have done more for our country had they been afforded an opportunity to serve it here at home – SOMEHOW – we’re SAFER for it.

NOW we’re safer, they say. Isn’t that right, General Petraeus?

Shockingly, even the man charged with driving the war bus in Iraq admitted on the record before Congress he isn’t convinced that, despite our best efforts, we’re any safer today.

Because he knows we AREN'T.

The most responsible thing we the people can do right now is to hold our leadership accountable for the bad decisions they've made. And that includes leaning on the Democratic opposition who continue to roll over in tacit support of our ongoing national tragedy. I say this now because the plans have already been drawn up for a military air strike on Iran - and many believe the idiot in charge plans to authorize one before he leaves office in January '09. Google it, my friends.

Someone must put an end to America's military crusade in the Middle East before we're forced to mobilize hundreds of thousands more troops for a wider scale conflict of Third Reichian proportions. Look at the monumental failures we've already accomplished and take notice of where we're headed. The Republican Presidential nominees are blowing hard about "cutting and running" and "admitting defeat." This dangerous mentality is the express route to a national draft and permanent occupation.

Has anyone stopped to consider: Maybe there's no exit strategy in Iraq because Doomsday Dick, Rumsfailed, Condoliesalot, Wolfoshitz and the rest of the neo-conditos never intended to leave.

As the bumper sticker says: If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.

NEW RULES RULES

Not only did Bush manage to turn me from a staunch conservative into a raging liberal, he also moved me off Dennis Miller and onto Bill Maher.

I can't believe there was a time when I couldn't stand this guy. But these days I agree with nearly every bit of biting sarcasm that oozes out of his bitter mouth. His New Rules segments are the bomb - great stuff here.

Thanks to JB for keeping these in my Inbox.

AUSTIN BY WAY OF MINNEAPOLIS

Did a little old school partying this past weekend down in Austin, Texas. If you've never been there, you're missing out on the world's largest collection of white people with really bad tattoos. Quite a collection I should say. They actually have a motto down there they seem quite proud of: Keep Austin Weird. It's on hats and t-shirts and mugs at the airport. They fancy themselves a little different - and compared to the rest of Texas, they are most certainly that.

My reason for being there was Crowded House. Just a month after seeing one of my favorite music artists at the (Crowded) House of Blues in Chicago, I was back for more...this time in the scalding Texas sun at Austin City Limits, a now-famous 3-day music festival that's basically like a corporate-sponsored Woodstock for Generation whoever. Lots of live music, beer, pot, deep fried food, and really bad tattoos. Not the good bad. The bad bad. I'm pretty sure half of them were made at home using a hot skillet and a ball-point pen.

Crowded House rocked, by the way. Again. They even made rain, believe it or not. In the middle of a sunny, steamy hot summer day they managed to conjure up a little liquid from heaven. And it happened during the song "Fall at Your Feet," which features the chorus line: "Whenever I fall at your feet, you let your tears rain down on me." And as we sang along, it actually started to rain. It was more than a little moving - borderline spiritual in a way. I'm sure the beer also helped in this regard. The band immediately recognized their accomplishment and changed their set to squeeze in the tune "Weather With You." Everywhere you go, always take the weather with you...

As a side note to my recent adventure, I wanted to share a little bit of Americana with you. Flying from Chicago to Austin was going to run somewhere between $434-$900 round trip - unless, by some quirk in the system, I flew Northwest Airlines northwest to Minneapolis first and then down to Texas. That cost was $288 after taxes. Sold!

During my layover at the Minneapolis airport, I decided to check out the restroom where Senator Larry Craig was arrested for his wide-stance tap dance routine. I was going to snap a photo of the crime scene for your files, but decided against taking photographs in a busy airport bathroom for fear of meeting the same ironic fate as the Senator himself. I'm pretty sure the other patrons would not have been comfortable with me shooting digital pictures while they did their business.

The best I could do was this shot of the outside of the restroom. I also should note that the stall next to the one Craig was arrested in was closed for business. They'd wrapped the commode in garbage bags and roped off the stall with yellow tape. No joke. Perhaps the Solicitor General wanted to dust for prints.

After snapping this photo I went in and sat down for a few minutes, fucking with fellow travelers by tapping my foot under their stall a few times once they sat down. Try it some time - at your own risk, of course.

JARED'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG

GAY AS YOU LIKE

In case you haven't seen this gem, here's a great clip of Senator Larry Craig on Hardball with Chris Matthews. The clip is from 1999. Listen to what he says about Bill Clinton, and then check out the reaction from Chris Matthews afterward.

Fucking classic.

HORRIBLE NEWS!

Here's a hilarious, if horrible, satire on the sad state of our news media. Seems all the cable news networks have figured out that the sensational sells. The more fear and graphic detail they can jam into a 2-minute news segment, the higher the ratings. Hmmmm...perhaps that says more about our cultural psyche than it does the media.

Either way - you have to appreciate the perspective here, however sensitive the subject matter. Satire at its finest.

FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS

MR. COCKSMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON

So I'm reading the news this week and suddenly cocksmoking is for gay dudes only. When did this happen? What's this world coming to when a straight man can't enjoy a casual cock in the restroom every now and then. Sheesh! I mean, what guy hasn't blown a complete stranger in a truck stop bathroom? Suck just ONE dick and all your friends are calling you a fag. What's up with that?

If you have a TV, radio, or internet connection, you are likely aware that U.S. Senator Larry Craig was flagged for being offsides in a public bathroom. It just so happens that I have first-hand experience in this area, so let me explain where the Senator fucked up.

In 1994, I was randomly propositioned for an encounter of this very nature while trying to pinch off a loaf in the rear restroom on the first floor of the undergraduate library in Urbana, Illinois. I was alone when I entered the facility. I wiped the seat down, gave the bowl a courtesy flush, and settled in with a good book for what I hoped would be a very productive bathroom break.

As I strained to move what felt like a cue ball through my winking sphincter, I heard the bathroom door swing open. The visitor loudly entered the stall next to mine and sat down so fast he could not possibly have had the time to drop his pants. I glanced under the stall and verified that, indeed, his trousers had not been freed. Very odd, I thought. I sat in silence, wondering to myself what exactly was happening with my neighbor in the next stall. Was he having an emotional breakdown? Was he snorting coke? Was he forgetful and crapping in his pants?

All of a sudden I noticed his foot appear below the stall divider. It was clearly on what I considered “my” side of the divider, and tapping.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

Then silence.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

More silence.

I felt naked suddenly. The shit I was about to unleash seized up and my rectum clenched tight. My body went into flight mode. Did this guy know he was tapping his foot on my side of the stall? He had to, I thought. And if he knew it, WHY was he doing it? The tapping continued.

Tap. Tap.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

He became more forceful with the taps, as though he thought I might have drifted off on the pot and needed a louder wake-up call. But I had not drifted off – I was completely frozen and mortified that anyone would dare invade my privacy by breaking the sacred bathroom barrier. I didn’t know how to respond, so I sat there completely still, in deafening silence. The only sound in that restroom was the thundering clap of a plastic shoe sole on heavy tile.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

The tapping must have gone on for minutes – but it felt like hours. At some point it occurred to me that I was being propositioned for an encounter of some kind – and I didn’t like it one bit. I just wanted this idiot to take the hint that I wasn’t interested and take a hike. I dared not move a muscle or utter a word, lest I unwittingly give him permission to expose himself or otherwise take the encounter to another level.

After a small eternity, he rose in a rush, barged out of the stall and exited the restroom – without washing his hands, I remember. Moments later I deemed it was safe to get up. Although I was unable to complete my the mission, I no longer felt the urge that had prompted my visit in the first place.

Leaving the restroom, I looked nervously around to see if anyone in the vicinity was eyeballing me. I then spotted the shoes. They belonged to a chubby black guy sitting in a nearby lounge chair, thumbing through a newspaper. He was auditioning partners with a quick glance as they walked past him, then would follow them in hoping for a little action.

Years later I learned that this type of encounter is not uncommon. Turns out it even has a name: “the tearoom trade.” A graduate student at Washington University in St. Louis actually did a behavioral study of these types of encounters and learned something fascinating that may shed a little light on Senator Craig’s ordeal. According to his 1970 Ph.D. dissertation, an overwhelming majority of the men who engage in these random sexual encounters with other men do not consider themselves gay. They just like having quick, meaningless sexual encounters with MEN. So when Senator Craig says he’s not gay – he may in fact actually believe that in all honesty he is not a gay man. He just happens to enjoy the same sexual experiences gay men enjoy. Powerful what the mind can talk us into and out of.

I personally see a small disconnect here. As a straight man who has been in the same position as Senator Craig, I knew enough not to encourage my solicitor by tapping back, sliding my foot under the stall divider, or making a motion of any kind under the stall. I have to believe Craig knew exactly what he was doing in that bathroom, and unfortunately for him, his story did not have a happy ending – so to speak.

As for the tearoom trade, I feel obliged to submit that sucking cock, at least in my book, makes a man bisexual at the very least. Sexual activities, tendencies, and desires of this nature are precisely what define a person’s sexual orientation. In the world I know, straight men don’t have gay sex. If we did, we wouldn’t be straight. As Dr. Kinsey reported in his famous studies on human sexuality, we’d be something in-between. And that’s fine…we are who we are. Let’s just call it what it is.

And Senator Craig is a gay hypocrite who deserves the shame he has received for the votes he has cast against the very activities he participates in.

GO LET IT OUT

I often hear people say, "I've been real busy - but that's good."

Busy is good, they say.

I disagree. Busy sucks.

When I first started this thing called the “real world,” I had more time than I knew what to do with. My "work" days were pretty stress-free, probably because I didn't have a whole lot of work to do. I played a lot of video games, took long walks around the neighborhood, strolled home to nap and watch Maury Povich over lunch, and brushed up on my ping-pong skills.

That gravy train lasted 4 ½ years, believe it or not. I didn’t bank a whole lot of coin at that gig (some friends were pulling 2-3X my paltry salary), but I was rich in other ways. I had lots of time to drink, think, and write. And I was a fucking blast to be around...or so I imagine. At least that's the way it appears when I thumb through old photos.

These days, I don’t have a whole lot of time to drink, think, or write. Most of my time is paid directly to the man...in exchange for a slightly more lucrative role in corporate America. There’s always a trade-off, I suppose. I wouldn't say I'm a blast to be around anymore – more of a muted bang, or a faded pop. Just loud enough you can almost tell I was once someone alive.

I celebrated another birthday just a couple weeks ago and came to the startling realization that I was missing an entire decade of my life. 10 years vanished. Can’t get those back. I don't regret them – they were what they were. But I do wonder sometimes if, perhaps, I could have been a whole lot more than I am today had I been able to focus on something – anything – productive.

Instead of investing so much time in fantasy sports, what if I had spent years analyzing trends in financial markets?

Instead of spending so much of my hard-earned money at the bar, what if I had been paying off student loans and credit cards?

Instead of clinging to the security and comfort of low-paying jobs for which I am grossly overqualified, what if I had challenged myself to do something far more adventurous and rewarding?

Instead of spending all of my free time playing video games, what if I had continued playing guitar, perfecting and adding to my collection of under-exposed acoustic pop masterpieces?

Instead of sleeping in every morning, what if I had got up just a ½ hour earlier to do a few push ups and run a few miles?

Instead - I am what I am. And 10 years vanished like they never happened; the unspent creativity swelling inside and strangling me like the swollen fingers of visceral fat taxing my vitals.

The Oasis refrain, “go let it out” echoes somewhere inside.

Maybe I should, I think.



Maybe I will.

PRIORITIES

There are people in our government - people we elected to represent our best interests - who made, and keep making, the decision to spend our taxes like this. If you don't like it, do something about it.

THE DECLINE OF THE AMERICAN EMPIRE IN :30

A friend sent me a YouTube clip this morning - perhaps you've already seen it. It's Miss Teen South Carolina answering a question by answering a question. Amazing, really.

I would post the link here, but I think the written transcript is more meaningful.

Question: "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the United States on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

[A sad fact, indeed. The answer to the question, of course, is that education in America is embarrassingly underfunded compared to things like nation-building and gratuitous hand-outs to Israel. Calling attention to our nation's obsession with celebrity and pop culture might have even earned a few points. Hell - anything remotely coherent might have registered as a "good try." The answer provided answers the question in itself. Wow. Heaven help us all if this is the future of our nation.]


Miss Teen South Carolina:

"I personally believe the U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh...people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and...I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., err, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our..."

If nothing else she could become a speechwriter for G_Dubs when he starts making the post-presidential circuit.

BICYCUAL

This chick does shit with a bicycle you gotta see to believe. Ought to be illegal. Damn. She rides the SHIT out of this bicycle. Some of her moves are just plain baffling. See for yourself.

MOVING THE HERD

Here's an excellent article on propaganda that illuminates how simple it is for the ruling elite to brainwash the emotional, narcissistic masses.

It's all about fear and appealing to our survival instinct. Once we are adequately afraid, we'll do whatever they say. We'll give up all of our rights in the name of "security." We'll stop questioning authority. And worse, ostracize those who dare ask questions.

Politics is propaganda. Smear campaigns and attack ads are designed to fill us with fear and force us into supporting those figureheads who promise to keep us safe. Beware the price you will pay for this false sense of security.

Individuals think, not groups. So think. Read. Examine. Open your mind. Discover.

And most of all, live with hope - not fear.

WHAT A DICK!

Oh my-fucking-lanta. How prescient (and precious) is this?

Dick Cheney offers a little insight back in 1994 as to what might have transpired had Papa Bush gone all the way to Baghdad to drop Saddam in Persian Gulf Tourney Numero Uno.

A truly amazing look back in time, given what we now know about the American occupation of Iraq, its tragic consequences and cost to our collective future.

I'VE GOT ISSUES

http://www2.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifThis site is great. It's a simple list of hot political topics alongside some drop-down menus. Go down the list and indicate whether you support or oppose the different topics, from stem cell research to torturing people for sport, and then calculate the results.

The site then spits out a list of the presidential candidates in the order that they agree with you. I can almost guarantee that the person on the top of your list will not NOT be the person you are planning on voting for. In fact, the people you are most likely to vote for are probably a little further down the list - toward the center.

I actually like the idea of an election run this way - on the issues. Instead of sifting through the propaganda of unregulated political marketing to try and come to an informed decision, we could just have the presidential candidates fill out a questionnaire revealing how they stand on the issues. Then we'd all vote on those same issues; each individual's vote would be cast for that candidates who best matches up on the issues. Voila! No negative ads required. It's not about distorting a person's record or destroying their reputation anymore. It's about shit that matters...like how you intend to lead the nation.

But that wouldn't be any fun. There'd be no good guys and bad guys. No one to root for and against. Just a simple questionnaire to fill out. Ho hum. On second thought, never mind. Our twisted, scornful political system is way more fun the way it is.

BEEN AWHILE, I KNOW

That's the life of a busy professional, I suppose. But I'm still alive. And well. Here's a little something to chew on in the mean time.

Stay tuned.

BREAKING (OR BROKEN?) NEWS ALERTS

So I signed up to receive these CNN Breaking News Alert bulletins via e-mail through the CNN.com website. Have you tried this? I figured it would be a great way to keep up to speed on breaking news as it happens. And because I have my e-mail pushed to my Smartphone, I can also stay current when I'm out and about. Unfortunately, the CNN Breaking News Alerts are anything but "breaking." For some reason, they're not sending out breaking news until well after it breaks, at which point I guess it would be considered broken.

Yet I remain hopeful every time my phone jingles with a new e-mail from CNN that it is going to be some incredible news flash I can share with everyone around me. But each time I open it up my eager eyes are met with yesterday's headlines: Michael Vick pleads not guilty. NASA astronauts drunk. Lindsay Lohan all coked up and no where to go.

Then this morning I got one that read "Magna Carta Ratified" and I just gave up. When it comes to news alerts, if it ain't breaking, it's broken.

LAND OF THE BUY-ONE-GET-ONE FREE

Might be time to loosen that Bible belt a little bit. America's getting fat all over, but no where faster than right around the middle.

DIVINE CONSULTATION

Have you ever had a discussion with God? Yeah - He's an awesome listener. Doesn't say anything at all. Doesn't make you feel ashamed or embarrassed or guilty. Just a real good Guy who's there to listen when you need to vent.

And now He's got a website where you can IM back and forth for all of the answers you seek. Check it out. A frustrating, but cool interface for chatting with your Maker.

Have something to repent? Need some advice? Just want to say hi? Go nuts - iGod is all ears (and fingers).

WHO SHOULD YOU VOTE FOR FOR PRESIDENT?

With the presidential primaries scheduled for early 2008, it may be time to start looking at the viability of some of your options. The whole idea behind democracy is that we elect people to act on our behalf in making decisions that will affect us all.

You're going to be hearing a lot of spin in the upcoming months. Obama lacks experience. Hillary is a pandering cyborg. Giuliani is exploiting 9/11. Romney is a fucking moron. Paul is a racist nutjob. The name of the game in political marketing these days is to brand your opponent unfit with a catchy, unforgettable nickname. Case in point: how Kerry was destroyed by the tag "flip-flopper," a term of endearment bestowed upon him countless times by Rupert Murdoch's fair and balanced spin doctors.

I personally don't find it comforting that the media, by and large, discourages our elected officials from changing their minds about the issues once they've voiced an opinion. I know a lot of people. A LOT of people. And I don't know one person who can say they've never changed their mind about something. We all change our minds...quite regularly, in fact. This is owed to something called "learning."

You live and you learn. And as you do, your opinions on and attitudes toward things change. It's only natural. There was a time I voted for Bush and despised Al Gore. Boy have I arrived at a different place today. You live, you learn. Gore's still fucking annoying as hell - but there's little doubt in my mind he was the better option for president. Word now is that Bush plans to declare a police state, institute a draft, and go after Iran before his term is up. And there's nothing we can do about it because our elected officials blindly signed the Patriot Act which pretty much says the president can do whatever he wants without restriction. All of those ludicrous Bush-Hitler comparisons are gaining merit fast.

Anyhow, we're finally into the homestretch of Bush's reign of terror. Just another 18 months, baby! With that in mind, I present to you the following list of issues. May I suggest you get out a pen and write them down. Then, next to each one write down whether you are in "support" of or "oppose." Skip the issues you don't give a shit about because they won't factor into your decision. Ready? You have 60 seconds. GO!

Abortion
Death penalty
No child left behind
Embryonic Stem Cell research
Drilling for oil here at home (ANWR)
Assault weapon ban
Signing the Kyoto Treaty for the environment
Mandatory background checks for gun buyers
The Patriot Act
Guantanamo Bay
Use of torture to gather information
Wiretapping of U.S. citizens
Path to citizenship for Illegal Aliens
Immigration border fence
Internet neutrality
Sanctions against Iran
Military action against Iran
Support for war in Iraq
Support for troop surge in Iraq
Withdrawl from Iraq
Minimum wage increase
Same sex civil unions
Same sex marriage
Same sex constitutional ban
Universal healthcare

Once you have completed your cheat sheet on the issues, click on this link to a table of the issues. It is a chart that illustrates where all of the presidential candidates stand on these very same issues. Compare your options. Find out who thinks most like you and the decision is easy. Unless you end up with Hillary, in which case I completely understand if you just can't do it. I'm not sure America is ready for a cyborg, either.

STUFF I FIND ONLINE

Love it. Click image to view in full.

DOT.FLATLINE

Imagine life without the internet. Hard to do these days. This special news report on the end of the world wide web is a fucking riot.

JUST A TASTE

Here's a snippet from a news article I was just reading.

"Part of the biker's body landed in the southbound lanes," said Town Hall District Lt. Robert Kohnen.

Enough said, I think.

THIRST FOR UNDERSTANDING

SOLVATION!

Here's a Japanese I.Q. Test you will not pass.

There is a solution, but good luck arriving at it. The rules to this logic-based brainteaser are so difficult to keep straight you may find it easier to transcribe everything into algebra equations. Or, maybe you'll just want to click on the pretty picture for fun.

Good luck!

MAP MY RUN!

I jog several times a week - not because I enjoy it, but because I know it's good for me. And because I feel less guilty eating crap food for lunch when I had a good run the night before. Sometimes I wonder how far I've run and try adding up the blocks in my head and equating them to rough miles. Somehow it never seems to be as far as I hoped it would be.

And then I stumbled upon this kick ass site called Map My Run. They basically let you zoom in on a Google Map and trace out your route block by block and turn by turn. The distance automatically adds up for you and - voila - you can see exactly how far you've gone. Found out that my standard trek along Lake Shore Drove from North and Clark to the southern end of Diversey Harbor and back is precisely 3miles long.

A little farther than I thought it'd be. Looks like I'm ready for that 5K next week after all.

THE HAMBURGLAR CALLETH

I love this one.

Authorities in Illinois finally tracked down a 4-year-old girl who called 911 nearly 300 times last month.

According to the report, she was calling from a deactivated cell phone without her mother's knowledge - and driving emergency dispatchers insane for a large portion of June. On the 287th call, they finally asked the little girl what she wanted and she said, "McDonald's."

So they said they would bring her McDonald's if she told them her address...which she did. Minutes later the police showed up at her suburban Chicago apartment - sans happy meal. The girl's mother promptly took away the cell phone.

Cute story - but the thing you need to know here is that, by federal law, deactivated cell phones are required to be able to access 911. Many will also contact an emergency center if the 9 key is held down. So hang onto those old, deactivated cell phones and keep them charged up - just in case. You never know when you might crave a late night Big Mac.

REQUIRED READING

Here's your homework for the 4th of July holiday.

Here's a little perspective on how and why our independence is under siege - and it's not terrorism we have to fear, but rather those who would have us fear it.

AND ANOTHER THING

Will someone take the fork out of McCain already - he's been done for months.

PARDON MOI?

"I respect the jury's verdict," Bush said in a statement. "But I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive."

Case closed! Roll credits. Scooter scoots free.

Good thing we wasted all that taxpayer money trying (and convicting!) Cheney's scapegoat in a court of law so our nation's Great Decider Kim-Jong Bush could wave his magic wand and make it all go away.

There's clearly no point in having a legislative or a judicial branch of government in this country - they have little authority to do anything. The executive branch is calling all the shots. They make their own rules and then decide when to selectively enforce them. No checks. No balances. Oh wait - there was a check...I forgot. A BLANK one for the war in Iraq. Congress really stood their ground on that one, didn't they?

These assclowns are making a mockery of our country. It's downright embarrassing, frankly. Read Bush's statement again:

"I respect the jury's verdict, but I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive."

Well there you have it. Bush has concluded the sentence was excessive. This Scooter chump commits an act of treason in covering up for a bunch of other guys who committed treason and the ringleader of this cirque d' so-liars comes riding in on his white house horse at the last second to save the day.

Justice gets cornholed again.

BUYING A PRESIDENT

Excitement builds in the race for the Democratic nomination. While a lot of media reports are focusing on cash totals, and the fact that Obama just shattered some more fundraising records, a far more interesting statistic stands out to me: the donor toll.

Clinton: 60,000
Obama: 258,000

Clinton's money is coming from politically affiliated, big-money donors who shell out the max because they see her as good for business (and politics) as usual. As Michael Moore's new movie "Sicko" points out, she may as well be on the health insurance industry payroll, among others. Which raises the age-old question regarding money and politics: How can anyone who accepts that much money from any industry be expected to address issues objectively? The idea behind such donations are that they buy access and influence. They're business decisions made in the best interests of business people (read: the wealthy) and the companies and industries they represent.

Obama meanwhile, has proven attractive to many disillusioned, disenfranchised voters, who have identified an historic opportunity to buck the establishment trend. Obama has been resisting the very donations Clinton is counting on, depending instead on populist support. And the donor tolls would appear he is getting it. The fact that he needs 4X as many donors to equal the Clinton's haul points to a population ready for real change - and not just the novelty of having a woman in our nation's top office, or an African-American for that matter. But a return to the idea that our elected officials are supposed to represent "we the people" - not they the lobby.

And we the people are finally figuring it out. It takes money to prevent the special interests from hijacking our options for higher office. But together, as 258,000 people recently testified, this is something we CAN do. We don't have to settle for the oligarchic plutocracy of yet another term in the Bush-Clinton dynasty. We can break away like Kelly fucking Clarkson by electing a different kind of American Idol.

One that's bought and paid for with our own money for a change.

iTRANSFORM

There's a new movie coming out that I have absolutely no desire to see - but I'm sure it will be a runaway blockbuster hit. It's called Transformers, and if you click here you'll find some folks who would kill me for dissing their life passion.

Cool Halloween costumes, though.

SPANISH FLY?

FLASH GORDON VS. THE CURSOR

Creativity at its finest. Someone had a field day with Flash. As someone who pays people money to build Flash presentations, I can tell you this took more than a couple hours to produce. And the concept is winning.

The link downloads a .swf (Shock Wave Flash) file. Takes a few moments, but worth the wait.

A COOL NEW WAY TO GET FROM A TO B

Something we take for granted just got better. Don't you love when that happens? Think about how hard it used to be to get directions anywhere. You had to pull out a big map and start plotting points and planning a route, or your friend would give you landmarks to look for and you'd fill up the back of an envelope with chicken scratch notes.

Not these days. These days we say, "What's the address?" and we Mapquest it. Or Yahoo Maps. Or, my new favorite, Google maps. Why is it my favorite? I'm so glad you asked! Because now if you don't like the route they gave you, you can change it by dragging the blue route line. Try it out for yourself here!

I used to get so frustrated when MapQuest would give me a shitty route and I had to fudge starting points to get a different route. Now I just have to drag the line and the program resets all the directions to accommodate the new route. Very useful!

Life just keeps getting better, doesn't it?

HIGH SPEED HARVESTING

I love this one. Here's a picture of a Dutch cornfield where police were involved in a high-speed car chase with a coke-addled 35-year-old getaway driver. He was ultimately subdued and apprehended, but not before 8000 Euros of damage to this poor farmer's corn crop. Hard to escape the eye in the sky. But imagine how wild a ride like that must have been at ground level! Hot damn!











For fans of the old Playstation 2, this scenario should seem eerily reminiscent of the "Field of Screams" level of Twisted Metal 2.