WI THE PEOPLE

I got a chance to play the Nintendo Wii (pronounced “we”) for the first time this past weekend and, as my friend promised, I’m still sore from it.

In case you’re not familiar, the Wii is a video game console system with a twist. Instead of the traditional joystick controller, the Wii features an innovative, interactive remote-control device you actually wave around in the air to virtually bowl, play baseball, play tennis, and a bunch of other simulated activities. It’s a rather sophisticated, quasi-futuristic concept in gaming that combines human movement with computer animation – and it’s way cool…for about 10 minutes, anyhow. After that you start to get tired. And then you get a little sore. And then you start to remember that the reason you liked video games in the first place was because you could plant your ass in some comfy couch cushions and twiddle your thumbs all day long without breaking a sweat.

But I will say this for the Wii – it opens up a whole new realm of gaming possibilities. And it’s opened up gaming to whole new markets. I saw a news report last week about an assisted living community in the south where they play Wii bowling as a recreational activity and the seniors love it! instead of loading up the bus and carting everyone to the local lanes where they’d have to struggle with swinging around heavy balls, home administrators just set up the Wii in the activity room and let the seniors have at it. Believe it or not, the room is packed daily.

The sky is really the limit when you're not confined to a joystick. Adding a little motion or some sensory control takes gaming to a whole new level. So I started brainstorming some fun new game concepts that would let people “try their hand” at some pretty original activities.

Here are a few ideas the folks at Nintendo might want to consider...

Bill Belichick Football ‘08
Perfect your handicam skills, virtually shooting the opposing team’s huddles and sidelines for hot play-calling footage. Zoom in and out looking for hints, tips, and clues as to what play is coming next. The more plays you can steal before being escorted off the field by security, the better your score! And when security does come, make sure you hang onto that camera or scandal will erupt! A cheater's fantasy come true.

O.J.: Juice On The Loose
This action-adventure game starts with a home break-in and physical altercation, culminates in a double murder, and concludes with a high-speed getaway on the LA freeway. Experience what it’s like to commit first-degree murder and get away with it over and over again…just like OJ! Or play in arcade mode where you storm Vegas hotel rooms with guns blazing for more high-adrenaline criminal excitement. Tight-fitting gamer glove sold separately.

Freedom America
Make a run for the border in this action-adventure epic that puts you in the shoes of a poor, hungry Mexican migrant worker. Climb fences, navigate barbed wire, wade streams, fend off border patrol dogs, and fight for the last spot in the back of a Ford pick-up truck that just set sail toward the land of the free. Will you find amnesty or agony?

Kidd-Wife Crisis
Put up your dukes and fight! Try your hand at fending off the menacing fists of NBA all-star Jason Kidd as he beats you down in this domestic abuse classic. Throw vases and dishes at the superstar point guard as he chases you from room to room in a heated frenzy. Then get your guard up and protect your pretty face as the knuckles start flying. Big fun for all ages!

To Catch a Predator
You’re Chris Hansen, Dateline NBC correspondent, in this role-play drama. It’s your job to coax embarrassing confessions out of child molesters as they come snooping around your set-up house for some underage action. It’s all in the timing and arm gestures. Wait until the perverted perp is in position, and then pounce! Offer him a seat on the stool and a stale brownie – but carefully. If the perp feels threatened, he’ll bolt. Make him feel safe and secure so you can pepper him with ridiculous questions – over 250 to choose from including, ‘What did you think was going to happen here tonight?’ and ‘Do you always keep condoms in your car?’ Ask just the right questions and wave a stack of transcripts to reduce future felons to tears. The more footage you can get, the higher your ratings!

Leisure Suit Larry: Woo in the Loo
So, you think you’re pretty smooth? Put your pick-up skills to the test in this homoerotic role player based on the life of Senator Larry Craig. Visit airport bathrooms, interstate rest stops, and public libraries all over America in one man’s quest to find inner peace through random ass and handjobs. Use the controller to initiate eye contact, tap patterns on the tile floor, and wave your consent below the stall divider. Even coax mysterious partners of all shapes and sizes to a complete finish! But beware – there are undercover police officers, skinheads, and plenty of communicable diseases out there. Conduct your tearoom trades with extreme caution!