TELEVISIONARY

Sometimes I wonder if I watch too much television. What IS too much television? How many hours a week are considered okay? At my age, isn't that just a judgment call?

When I was a kid I remember there being strict regulation on the number of hours spent watching television. My sister and I had a set number of hours per week and we spent them like cash, watching parent-approved programming. Maybe that's why, now, my television is on every waking moment...because I am my own boss now, and those old school rules no longer apply. My time is my own and I can do what I want with it. I also buy a lot of sugary kids cereal because I can. Getting older has a lot of drawbacks - from bills to anxiety - one of its perks is that you can watch as much television as you want.

I must admit there are other, more productive things I could be doing with the idle hours I spend fusing with the cushions of my couch. I could be playing poker online, for example. Or annoying the neighbors by playing guitar. Or reading books - I hear reading is good for mental fitness. Or maybe I could be writing the book everyone says I need to write. No one has any idea what the book would be about, least of all me, but everyone agrees I need to write one. Every time I have an idea for a topic, the comment is the same: "Sounds good, I can't wait to read it." Yeah. And I can't wait to write it. On the commercial, of course.

I like television. Sweet, glorious television. When I come home from work I religiously do two things, in this order: Remove pants, turn on television. Most of the time there's not even anything worth watching - I just like the sound of stuff going on in the background. Makes me feel connected somehow. So I go about my chores or other business while listening to ESPN news, CNN, or that funky jazz music they're always jamming on the Weather Channel. Or Fox News Channel when I need a good laugh. Doesn't really matter - I just like the company...even when I'm in the company of others.

I personally don't think I watch too much television because I'm not really WATCHING it most of the time. It's just on. In terms of actual programming, there are really only a few shows I get excited about, and the total number of hours spent watching is roughly comparable to the number of hours I watched as a kid.

Here's my top 10:

1. Survivor - there's nothing like the real thing, baby. The Amazing Race is fun to catch every once in a while, but Survivor hooked me early on and I never gave it up. Gotta love people playing mind games in the tropics. Yeah, I'm a huge dork.

2. Lost - I was addicted to the DVD collection of season one, but missed the start of season two. So now I have to avoid it every week in order to preserve the integrity of the story. Hoping to catch it in reruns over the summer. Best drama by a mile.

3. The Office - I can actually sit through the same episode more than once. Back to back. The best comedy hands down.

4. The Sopranos - I'm thankful HBO gives us a number of chances to catch this bad boy over the course of the week, especially since it's on opposite Desperate Housewives.

5. Desperate Housewives - I admit it...I watch it, and I enjoy it. Not as much as last season, of course, but I still enjoy tuning in to find out what those zany ladies are going to do next.

6. Grey's Anatomy - Didn't really care for this one when it first came out, but the use of popular music as a story-telling device gave it a curious appeal. I must admit, I do enjoy this dramedy one as well.

7. Scrubs - Close second to the Office for best comedy on television. I don't laugh out loud often, but this show consistently makes me do it.

8. My Name is Earl - Love the concept here, and Randy is a riot. Interesting how my three favorite comedies are among the few on television that don't insult me with a laugh track. Don't tell me when I'm supposed to be laughing - if it's funny, I'll do it on my own. In fact, a fourth favorite comedy would have been Arrested Development, had the show made it.

9. The Apprentice - Big mistake moving it to Monday. I didn't even realize they'd started a new season until it was two weeks in. But Burnett knows how to put together compelling hour-long dramas, so it's always an hour well wasted.

10. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - That Scottish dude is fucking hilarious. Have you ever listened to his monologues? He just rambles on about nonsense for minutes on end - not unlike myself on these very pages, come to think of it. Good stuff.

I also watch a shitload of sports - but that doesn't really count because it's biologically unavoidable. Watching sports is hard-coded in my Y chromosome.

Oh - hey, gotta run. Commercial's over.