MAKER'S MARK

Winter hasn't even started yet and I'm already dreaming of spring. Here's a little ditty I wrote back in 2007. I call it Maker's Mark.

MAKER'S MARK

I'm melting away in the February sunset
Sure enjoyed my stay, I guess I've no regrets about it
All that's left to say is thanks for everything

I'm swimming in myself as the wind is getting warmer
Drowning in my tears as I'm slowly losing form
You're moving onto something else as winter moves to spring

You made me beautiful
You gave me this nose
And when I'm gone you'll go on with your life
Until it snows
I suppose that's the way life goes

I'm drifting to sleep as I drip away the hours
Watering the weeds beneath me so there will be flowers
It's the least that I can do for all you've done for me

Like the soul behind my eyes and the spirit in my humor
When a snowman dies you know I think I heard a rumor
I'll be back again someday...just you wait and see

You made me beautiful
You gave me this nose
And when I'm gone you'll go on with your life
Until it snows
I suppose that's the way life goes

I'm melting away in the February sunset
Sure enjoyed my stay, I guess I've no regrets about it
All that's left to say is thanks for everything

IMAGINE A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE

TIGHT FITNESS

A buddy here at the office told me he was hanging out with Chuck Norris last night. The guy is so VIP I actually believed him for a short time - until he revealed that he was merely partying with someone who RESEMBLED Chuck Norris. So much for that vicarious brush with greatness. I almost had a cool story to share. Instead, all I have for you is verification from the alternative community that Tom Cruise does, in fact, butter his bread on both sides. But you didn't hear that from me. I don't want to incur the wrath of the greater Scientologist community.

On a somewhat unrelated note, the thing I love most about Chuck Norris, besides his well-tailored beard (of course), now that I think about it, is how versatile that motherfucker is. Here's a martial arts expert who Hollywood turned into a no-nonsense Texas Ranger and he was totally cool with it. They said, "Chuck, hear us out. We're going to put you deep in the heart of Texas in cowboy boots and tight jeans and have you work some of your karate magic. How does that sound?"

Could they have made it any more difficult? "Wait - you want me to kick ass wearing cowboy boots and skin tight Wranglers? I suppose I could do that. How much does it pay?"

The whole idea makes me appreciate Chuck Norris even more.

HOLY NIGHT!

FOR AMERICA

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America Heads for the Trash Can of History

by Paul Craig Roberts (Reposted without permission in the interest of saving America by the silly monkey AYNtK)

[http://www.opednews.com]

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11/28/07 "ICH" --- -- In new books writers as disparate as Naomi Wolf and Pat Buchanan conclude that America as we know her is disappearing. Both writers hope, but are not confident, that enough Americans will catch on in time to find the leadership to pull America back from the brink.

If polls are reliable, a majority of Americans are dissatisfied with President Bush and Congress. However, Americans are far short of Wolf and Buchanan's grasp of our peril.

Americans are unable to connect their dissatisfaction with the current political leadership with their choice of new leaders. All polls show that Hillary Clinton is far in the lead for the Democratic presidential nomination and Rudy Giuliani is far in the lead for the Republican nomination These are the only two candidates guaranteed to be worse than Bush/Cheney.

Both Hillary and Rudy are committed to the war. Both refuse to rule out expanding the war to Iran and beyond. Both are totally in the pocket of the Israel Lobby. Indeed, practically every Giuliani advisor is a member of the Lobby. Both defend the police state measures that "protect us from terrorism." And neither gives a hoot for the US Constitution and the civil liberties it guarantees. The Republican Giuliani is likely to overturn the Second Amendment even quicker than the Democrat Hillary.

Both Hillary and Rudy are creatures of ambition, not of principle. Both are one up on Karl Marx. Marx said truth serves class interests. For Hillary and Rudy, truth is what serves their individual interests. They both wear black hats, and the horse they ride is called power.

Yet in November polls, Republicans prefer Giuliani by a margin of five or six to one over Ron Paul, the only principled Republican candidate and a person who without any doubt believes in the Constitution and would protect it.

Democrats prefer Hillary by a margin of twenty to one over Dennis Kucinich, the only member of Congress sufficiently concerned and courageous to introduce impeachment against the notorious war criminal Dick Cheney. By margins as much as forty-four to one, Democrats prefer Hillary to Senator Christopher Dodd, who promises to give America back its Constitution in the first hour of his administration. Former Alaska Senator Mike Gravel does not even register in the polls.

Obviously, the American people haven't a clue. In November 2007 they show a distinct preference for leaders who are even worse than the ones with whom they are currently dissatisfied. What does this tell us about the American people and their commitment to be sufficiently informed for democracy to function?

It tells us that they are not up to the challenge. It is only a matter of time before America succumbs to the plutocracy, against which Warren Buffet recently warned Congress, or the fascist tyranny that Naomi Wolf sees in our future.

A LITTLE CREATIVITY

This Mini owner and devoted Buckeye fan didn't care for her Michigan state license plate options, so she made the best out of what she had.

Rivalries are cool.

SUB-PRIMAL FEAR

It seems the word "foreclosure" has been popping up more and more these days - due in large part to the predictable (if only in hindsight) collapse of the sub-prime mortgage market, a dangerous lending practice recently uncovered as an institution-wide money-making scheme gone south.

If you are unfamiliar with exactly how a handful of financial giants ruined the dream of home ownership for millions of hard-working, low-to-middle-income Americans, I recommend you watch this clip. The participants break down the sub-prime mortgage scandal in such a way as to make it both accessible and entertaining.

Thanks to JB for sharing...

ANOTHER BRICK ON THE MALL

If you're a Chicago White Sox fan or a St. Louis Cardinals fan, you've got to take advantage of this amazing opportunity to stick it to the Chicago Cubs! I'm a Cubs fan, and it pains me to see they're shamelessly hawking personalized plaza stones to bring in a few extra bucks. There's no way I'd fork over $175 to have people step all over my good name. But if I were a Sox fan, I'd sure as shit invest in a brick that forever jams their recent World Series victory down the north-siders' throats. Whose brilliant idea was this?

THE MONKEY HAS A SISTER?

Is that my little sister running for elected office? You'd better believe it. And if she ever lets me spill ALL the beans, you're not going to believe the stories I have to tell about the sorry state of our nation's twisted political system. Grisham-esque.

What we need is complete turnover of every publicly held office in America. New blood. New leadership. New ideas. And this lady sure knows her stuff. She ought to - she and I are cut from the same simian cloth. Monkey see good, monkey do good.

IT'S NOT IN THE BAG, IT'S IN THE TEA

There's a Tea Party brewing...and you're invited! The establishment and fourth estate can jam Rudy and Hillary down our throats all year long, but they can't step into the voting booth with us. Let's shake shit up, people.

Viva la Revolucion!

FOX NEWS PORN

Here's a brilliant follow-up to the expose on Fox News Channel's smut affinity. It's called Fox News Porn - a mock website assembled from actual Fox footage that mimics the look and feel of an adult entertainment site. May as well be hosted by the pimp dad himself, Bill Oh!Reilly.

TO HILLARY IN A HANDBASKET

Here's an enlightening article on how campaign aides at a recent Clinton appearance prepped audience members by assigning them softball questions to ask. The student in the article blew the whistle after a staffer told her not to ask the question she wanted to ask, but to instead ask her this OTHER question, which was all typed up and ready to go in a campaign binder.

At some point, after initially going along with the charade, it dawned on the student that the entire episode was a load of fucking horseshit - so she squealed like a good little American piggy. Yes - I suppose it does make answering questions a little easier if you know what they are in advance. In school, this is called "cheating." Students are warned that behavior of this nature is a violation of ethics, and punishable by expulsion. Sadly, in politics, it's par for the course.

If you're not cheating, you're not trying hard enough.

PUERCO RICO

Every so often I have one of those "heaven on earth" moments where I think to myself life just can't get any better than it is right now. About ten minutes ago I had another such moment while eating what was, without question, the very best roasted pork burrito I have ever had.

Wow.

Still recovering from the experience. And now I'm lapsing into a post-burrito funk - that emotional low following the sensory high of eating something so perfect. I may be in the early stages of addiction here. What was in that burrito? Cilantro! The cilantro gets me every time.

I need more. I have to have more.

A PUCKIN' SHAME

The subject of hockey cheerleaders came up at work the other day. Don’t ask me how. But I did take a pretty firm stance on it that surprised some people. I don’t like it. Period. First period. Second period. Third period. Don’t like the idea at all. Not in favor it.

I don’t know if you’ve been to an NHL hockey game recently, but I can tell you that during timeouts at Chicago Blackhawks games, a squad of skinny girls in tight-fitting clothes cruises out onto the ice with shovels to clear away slush from around the goalie boxes. It's a pretty important job that stadium management determined would be best handled by a crack crew of exotic dancers and night-club bartenders on their day off.

Of course, clearing away slush isn't REALLY their purpose. (The fact is, they clear away very little slush from around the net.) Their REAL purpose is to sex up the sport a little by giving all of the men in the arena something to look at while the athletes are catching their breath. To be completely honest, I find it a little insulting. "Why?" the oversexed heterosexual male might ask. Because I don’t go to hockey games to ogle women. I just don’t. I don’t go to strip clubs to ogle women, either – but if I wanted to ogle women, that’s where I would go...a strip club. Not a fucking hockey game. I go to a hockey game to eat cold, overpriced stadium food, drink flat domestic beer, and watch men with wooden sticks run into each other at high speeds. Gawking at big-bosomed women in tight lycra jumpsuits isn't on the agenda.

So, no, I don’t care for the cheap-ass peep show on ice. And the more I thought about it, the more I started realizing how some element of sex seems infused into virtually everything these days. Even the NEWS! Fox "News" Channel, not surprisingly, is the worst. While they claim to take the high road, it's clear to even the casual viewer what's going on here. Check out this fine segment undressing FOX one hypocritical example of poor taste after the next.







Okay. So sex sells, they say. I get it. But where does it end? I’m already in the ice rink – I already bought the ticket. I already bought the beer. What are the ice girls selling me? An experience? Come on. Can we stop objectifying young women already, perpetuating the illusion that the primary measure of their worth is in turning heads. Women are more valuable to society than this, aren't they? Seriously.

ICE GIRLS: I bet more than a few of these ladies can make a mean ham sandwich, too. It's a real puckin' shame...













Here it is in a nutshell. Just as women resent being portrayed as sex objects, I resent when men are viewed as sex-obsessed objects. I have other interests, you know. Like sports. And gambling. And bar trivia. I am more than a sexual impulse. I am more than a desire to procreate. I am more than a seed seeking purchase. So, yes, it’s a little insulting when it is presumed that women in provocative dress will add value to my experience as a hockey fan. And I also find it disrespectful to the female partners of the fans, who just roll their eyes when the ice girls skate out and do their thing. What's the point to all of this visual temptation anyhow? It's not going anywhere. Come to think of it, neither is this post.

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE, #17

Michael Jackson on the cover of Ebony magazine.

Wow.

That's like putting Jesus on the cover of Scientific American.

Or Hillary on the cover of the New Yorker.

THE WRITERS STRIKE BACK

The terrorists have won. I concede. They finally did it. America is about to become a crippled shadow of its former self.

Somehow Al-Qaeda managed to infiltrate Hollywood, persuading the Writer's Guild of America to go on strike, a move expected to force much of American television entertainment programming into repeats! YES, REPEATS! Just when it's about to get cold outside they hit us with re-reruns. This is simply unthinkable.

They really know how to hit us where it hurts, don't they?

In all seriousness, the WGA did go on strike, and that could mean lights out for some of your favorite shows this year. Here's a select breakdown of shows I have actually heard of for your files:

Late Night TV

"Colbert Report" and "The Daily Show"
Status: Will go into repeats immediately.

"The Tonight Show" and "The Conan O'Brien Show"
Status: Will go into repeats immediately.

"Jimmy Kimmel Live"
Status: Staffed with WGA writers, so it would probably go to repeats. But Kimmel may decide to wing it.

"Nightline"
Status: Will remain live and in originals. Sadly, I more Americans will likely prefer to watch Conan reruns than learn something new and interesting about the world around them.

ABC
"Lost"
Status: Expected to have eight out of 16 episodes ready.

"Cavemen"
Status: Expected to have 12 out of 13 episodes completed; has not received an order for a full season.

"The View"
Status: Will continue uninterrupted, according to a spokesman. Thank heavens.

"Dirty Sexy Money"
Status: Expected have between 11 and 13 episodes completed.

"Brothers & Sisters"
Status: Expected to have either 11 or 12 episodes completed.

CBS

"Jericho"
Status: Will have seven of seven episodes.

NBC

"Friday Night Lights"
Status: Expected to complete 15 of 22 episodes.

"Scrubs"
Status: Expected to complete 12 of 18 episodes.

Fox

"24"
Status: Will have eight or nine out of 24 episodes completed. Midseason, none have aired yet.


FX

"Nip/Tuck"
Status: 22 episodes planned for two cycles: 14 to run from now to February and eight next year. All 14 in the first cycle have been written.

"The Shield"
Status: The final season is written, no date set for airing.

"Rescue Me"
Status: 5th season, just announced, would be affected since production is expected to start in early '08.

HBO

"Entourage" and "Big Love"
Status: Are currently in the writing stages and were scheduled to air in the summer of 2008.

"The Wire"
Status: Completed and will air as scheduled.



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Soaps are also screwed, as they rely on day-to-day writing staff. But Survivor and other reality programming like Big Brother and the Amazing Race will likely survive the WGA strike.

So WHY are the writers on strike? Did someone replace the regular coffee with decaffeinated? Not exactly. It's all about the internet and how more original content is being broadcast, syndicated, and made available online. The networks are claiming ownership of their online content without affording the writers an opportunity to benefit from residuals - an industry term for additional income earned when content is rebroadcast, or in the case of the internet, re-accessed by an audience. The writers see their residuals being affected by the internet and would like to negotiate a revenue sharing deal with the networks execs, who apparently seem to think modern television programming writes itself.

All I know is, this is my big shot! Time to get a writing sample in front of the Conan folks!

THE MIRACLE OF DUCT TAPE

Looks like duct tape also fixes cracks.

Very good to know.

MILK IT UNTIL IT TURNS TO CHEESE

As you may have heard, there’s a new Rambo flick coming out in a couple of months. Stallone resumes his role as John Rambo, this time leading an expedition into the jungle where they, not surprisingly, find themselves ambushed by bad guys with an endless supply of firearms and explosives.




What you may not have heard is how long it took them to come out with a name for the film. For some reason, they were torn between the simple “John Rambo,” the overdone “To Hell and Back,” and a handful of other ridiculous names. Here are a few Rambo IV titles that didn’t make the cut.




REJECTED MOVIE TITLES FOR RAMBO IV

Rambo IV: The Revenge of Old Feller

Rambo IV: Viva Sylvestra

Rambo IV: Last Blood

Rambo IV: Arthritic Bugaloo

Rambo IV: Cashing In Again

Rambo IV: Headband of Brothers

Rambo IV: I Make Dead People

Rambo IV: For Shoots and Giggles

Rambo IV: Trail of Senility

Rambo IV: The Old Man and the Jungle

Rambo IV: Geritol to Hell!

MAKING FACES AT THE PHOTOSHOPPING MALL

In case you weren't aware, I am the Creative Director at an advertising agency. It's not a bad gig most days. It's my job to direct creative, which means spotting talent when I see it, and making people go back to the drawing board when I don't. Since I came up on the copy side, which is writing-based, it never ceases to amaze me what creative people can do with some of these design programs. A friend of mine forwarded me the following pictures this morning with the subject line: When your daddy is a graphic designer.

Love the photo manipulation here. Just had to share as we all recover from our Halloween hangovers. Great stuff. Thanks, JB!

It all starts with the original shot. Helps to have something with a little attitude to it, like this one, which is a great shot without any touch-up work at all.

Then the fun starts. All you need is the right software, a vivid imagination, and a little free time.

COSTUME OF THE YEAR

And the winner is...the chap who dressed up as You Tube. Fuckin' A awesome right down to the comments.

Imagination rules.